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A mother emailed finally, this is what I am not sending her back

Old 07-08-2014, 07:07 PM
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A mother emailed finally, this is what I am not sending her back

From her:
Hi Yo. hope you are well. i am coping again now so want to tell you i love u and hope ur happy in your life. Saffi is fine n sounds like Bronte is doing well now. jimmy tells me suki is good too. hope ur course is still going well. its very impressive.. take care of yourself love mum. xxx

So the animals are doing great then, that's one good thing, I did worry about them, but I found my cat a home (with friend Jimme) when I left, and I begged my stepdad to take the puppy (Bronti) away from the mother, I knew mother's cat (Saffi) would be fine as she was an outdoor cat and could feed herself when needed and escape to go to the toilet.

This is what I vented out this morning but did NOT send. I controlled myself, even through I really want to send this and get her out of my life forever. :
Hi,
well I am not coping, you and dad are not helping me, I cannot stand this, you still seem to think I am trying to punish you, I am not, I want you to get better and do it for yourself, You ringing dad and whingeing (still) about me isn't helping, as the names he called me after talking to you disgusted and hurt me so bad and I just knew you had been in touch with him. If I am that bad, then why do you want to even know me.
Stop saying you hope I am happy, I'm far from it, I am still replaying memories of the nasty disgusting things you said about me and the lies to me, not just you, many people from the crown, (the pub we lived in and ran together)

You hurt me mum, more than anyone else I know. I love you so much still, but I'm hurting. I am even thinking of going to an AA meeting just for some help and clarity, to know I am not mental, I did not ruin your life, and that somewhere deep down inside my mother does love me, The mother that doesn't lie and cheat and blame everybody else.
I know I'm not perfect and I have never claimed to be, but you gotta look at my upbringing to see why I was sooooo bad (in your eyes,) (trust me, the friends I have had, I could have been a hell of a lot worse!!) and it may take you a long time to realise what hurt me and why, But I hope one day you will, hopefully before the alcohol kills you.
I am doing really bad, I am stressed, worried about my future, having major panic attacks anytime anyone knocks at the door, calls my phone, or sends an email as I don't want to hear what I have done wrong now. All I seem to do is p*ss people off and ruin their lives, so maybe you were completely right about everything you told lil pete, dawn and nat etc about me.
Maybe I should just put you all out of your misery, and just get out of your lives, then you can stop asking dad to get me to contact you, I have told you I will when I am ready, Forgiveness is difficult when there is much hurt that lingers.
Then you expect me to email you for my birthday, so I do, and then I hear nothing back until now, thanks a lot, you wanna know what I did on my special day?? Nothing!! P*ssed off my only friend with what I thought was a joke, and then sat on my f**king own for a month waiting for him to get over his over reaction, he came back tail between legs with a peace offering yesterday.
Now I hear from you, I swear I am going to have a panic attack just writing this, my heart feel as though it may explode, and then I probably won't even send this to you as then I will get in more trouble for sending nasty messages, so I should just keep it all bottled up, like I have done all my life, but then that is wrong as well. So what am I meant to do. Slash a blade over my wrists and leave you all be, live your own life however you want to, p*ss whoever you want to off, and f**k every bloke in melton, I don't care anymore.
I understand we all in this world have issues and I am trying to sort mine, but you are not helping. Please just leave me alone for awhile, Thanks for the birthday present, I may send it back after I have read it, it is all about alcoholics and the effects they have on their kids, which you know all about as your dad was one, so how can you not understand what I am going through, you never hit me like he hit you but you hurt me emotionally, to me that feels worse than what he did to you, at least bruises fade, memories don't.

I love you and I will send you birhday and xmas cards but that is all I can handle at the minute, Please leave me be.



So thats the venting, now how do I ask her to leave me alone, in a nice way so she doesn't ring my dad nd b*tch about me sending nasty emais, and stuff. I want to use some of that but feel I may end using all of it.
God I hate this, I just wsh they would leave me alone to live my life, and stop saying they hope I am happy with the decision I made to leave them all. I had to go, had to get away, I was only making everything worse. Now I am still doing it, I think maybe I am done, I can't take anymore.
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Old 07-08-2014, 07:25 PM
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You had a good idea, in maybe going to al-anon. Then you can learn to focus on you , and move on with your life, and make it as good as you want to.

nothing you write to them is going to do anything positive. But you need to have help, with your feelings being out of control. If you feel suicidal you need to call a suicide hotline. they know how to help people who are so angry that they want to self harm.

Let go of them. it will only frustrate you and anger you ,because you cannot change them, no matter what you say, do or write.
please, take care of you. maybe its time to move on, and let them go to live life as they wish. It is their life. and yours is precious, do not waste it mad at someone for something that you cannot change.

I am sorry you are hurting. let go. do something healthy for yourself. look into counselling. it helps us Adult children of alcoholics. believe me.
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Old 07-08-2014, 07:27 PM
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First, why don't you just tell her thanks for the gift, but you need some time away from them to sort yourself out. Or just don't contact them at all.

Second, what your mom and dad do or don't do or what they say about you - you have no control over that.

Third, take some time for yourself and get some help. I feel bad for the pain you are going through, but you need to take care of yourself. If they upset you so much you really need to talk to someone in confidence who is trained to help you through this type of stuff. There is a way out. You don't have to be this unhappy.
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Old 07-08-2014, 07:49 PM
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Ya, Chicory hit the target. This was a good "write but don't send" letter. Actually sending it would just provoke more defensiveness, manipulation, insults, and all the stuff you don't need any more of. Trying to talk sense to an alcoholic "just wastes time and annoys the pig," as we say around here. (That's the punch line to, "Never try to teach a pig to sing.") They're perfect, so any Sturm und Drang of the type expressed in your letter would just provoke another firestorm of denial and criticism. Who needs that?

So ya -- I'd second the no-contact suggestion -- and no "I can't go no-contact, because..." There are no "yeah-buts" in Al-Anon!

But hey, if you do feel compelled to communicate in some way, just be non-committal, and basically don't say anything of substance. That's how I handled my Dad toward the end, while just "running out the clock." I used to say, "I'm 47 and he's 89, so I don't need to win this game -- all I need is a tie!" No need to put the ball in the goal -- I just kept dribbling it around, and finally the clock ran out.

Lose the toxic people, and do some self-care, would be best!

T
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Old 07-08-2014, 08:44 PM
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I agree, I do have to take care of me, but they don't let me not keep in touch, I live alone,with a hormonal issue and pass out every now and then, In Australia, they call it Epilepsy, in the Uk, Hormonal Vesavegal Syncope, so if I don't get back to people within a couple of hours, or days as my parents are in the Uk. Then they worry about me, some days I just don't wanna message them back, some days I worry about what they want, so I don't answer them.
I have told my father that I don't want to be in contact with my mother, I left for a reason, to sort my head out, stop all the phone calls to my dad from my mother about me, and to finally try to be happy, and have everyone else happy too, I know this is not possible to keep everyone happy, but I try.
So I have told my father that I am going to send him all the video's of my drunken mother from CCTV footage, the voice recordings I have of her telling people I am crazy, I ruined her life, I am this, she is perfect, my stepdad ruined this, my dad ruined her life, etc etc. But I have been told not to send them to him, I realize I shouldn't as he doesn't need to go through what I am with her, they were divorced long ago, and I would never wish her on him again.

I just had a look at a flat next door, and the real estate guy was a litle Asian dude, we got talking about my so called epilepsy and how the western world takes all these pills and stuff to stop these ailments, when all we need is a healthy lifestyle, he also told me about transcendent meditation and pointed me in the direction of a buddhist temple, so may give all this a try, as I feel I am losing myself, and I just want to get better and be happy, Everything runs around in my head constantly, he said this, she did that, why did I say that, etc etc.
I don't sleep I can hardly bring myself to eat most days. I struggle to get out of bed the last week or so, as it is so cold and I had to move bedrooms as some random guy came through my window, so now I am in a room with no windows, no light, no sunshine, I feel more depressed now I think, not that I have ever admitted to being depressed, but I really think I am getting that way, before I just stressed and worried to much, and had an attitude with my slave driving mother because of the cheating she did and the lies, and denial.

Wow sorry, went off on a tangent there, I do see what you mean, and I do wish everyone would just leave me alone, I do understand people worry abut me, but until I ask for help they cannot help me. I just need time to myself, to think and put all the pieces together again. I am still remembering things now that I have been told all my life, and believed as my parents told me these things, we as children are supposed to believe and trust everything my parents said, and now I find out it was all hypocritical bull s**t. They say do one thing, they do the other. I always tried to keep them happy and do what they want, whenever I tried to do or did something for myself I got in trouble, Now I am taking time to look after myself, I am still doing the wrong thing.

On another note, I just found out my great gay uncle has has a fall the other night, he is around 89 ish, and has dislocated BOTH shoulders!!! They think he may have had a seizure and are running tests in hospital, so he is there for the next 6 weeks at least. and also my great aunt had a fall on the weekend but not a bad one, These members of my family are not close to me, I found out my great uncle tried to touch my father when they were younger, and my great aunt has never known who I am, even before dementia/alzheimer's kicked in, I have always been 'Ray's daughter'. But they treat me a hell of a lot better than my own mother has!!!!! and now I am worrying about them. Just more to add to my list of things to think about while I'm supposed to be sleeping. :-(

So there is a bit of info, now how do I get it through to them that I am fine, Im a big girl and I just need space. I don't mind dad calling once a fortnight from England, but I have told him I don't wanna talk about the mother, I don't want to argue with him, I haven't shouted and got angry about it yet, I don't think I should have to, he should listen to me when I am talking to him, specially when I am crying about it all most of the time, I am hurting so much and no one seems to believe how I have been treated by my mother, as she makes out she is perfect and it is all me, and the stepdad, even my father has been blamed for ruining her life and marriage, and I understand dad doesn't want all this bad feeling, but he needs to stop sticking up for her, and for once look after his only child, I know she is my only mother and she loves me, I love her, but I don't like her much at the minute, I still worry about her, being out wasted and the men these days that take advantage of that, I have witnessed it with her,and I have been raped on a couple of occasions, I worry for her, as it is the worst feeling in the world.

I just want to be left alone to do what I need to do to be happy, only I can do this for myself if only they would just leave me alone. :-(
I am not suicidal all the time, it was worse years ago, I am not going o hurt myself as I worry what the family would think and I wouldn't want to hurt them like that, but some days I do.
I have been to a psychologist, but she talked to my aunty about the things I said, and as the aunty was having issues with another aunty, thats all the psych really asked and talked to me about, the aunts are not my problem, any more, I have got rid of that rubbish they caused me.
I have been told about kineziology, and am going to look into that when/if I ever get a job as it's pretty expensive. I do think meditation may help, if I can stop the brain thinking, I just don't know anymore, Im so confused, I just want to run away out bush and never be seen again.
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Old 07-09-2014, 12:58 AM
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One good thing that came out of today........

So finally I have sorted it, I am moving into the unit next door, which gets sunlight, doesn't leak and is much more my size.
I have a big 2 bedroom unit but it gets no sun and is so cold, the house is so old and full of termites, there are holes in the walls, floors, ceilings and around water/gas piping. So it is windy and leaks in the rain, it is an extortionate amount of money for the sate of the place, Rotting is not even the word close enough to describe this place wooden mess. It is heritage listed, hence little to no repairs.
So this new place is smaller and cheaper and warmer and I can put a table and chairs outside so I don't have to be constantly cooped up inside in front of the heaters burning electric. I can't wait,
It's not far but hopefully the issues and stress should lessen soon. Even having a shower in this place is so stressful and I'm going to catch pneumonia or something.
So something positive comes, now I wait for the negative to hit.............

fingers crossed it doesn't...................
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Old 07-09-2014, 01:48 AM
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Hiya synfulv . I'm so sorry you are going through all this emotional drama.

I'm sure at least writing out that letter was freeing in a way .its good to vent .
To me , you seem very much on the defensive , with everything , like one big ball of stress.
Everything is a negative ;-(
There is a way out of this internal turmoil.
Try not to take every single thing that happens to you personally .
You need to let some things just go .

You cannot change other peoples behaviours or addictions , only they can do that .
I'm sure deep down , you love your Mum , but hate what she has done and said in the past .
I feel for you as i was probably that mum when i was drinking too .

We are different people to the people we are sober.
Keep seeing you psych to talk through your issues .

I thought your Mums email was a way of reaching out , mentioning the the pets was common ground between you and breaking the ice.

I sensed love in her message .

Perhaps write one back to her and thank her for her email but tell her how much she has hurt you . No getting angry or anything ...as a mother , that would be enough just to make her think .

I really wish you well , with a good dose of peace and happiness .

Keep posting , it's so much easier sharing with us instead of going through this alone .

There is ALWAYS Someone here to talk to .

Much love xx
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Old 07-09-2014, 02:09 AM
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Thank so much everyone, I have taken all day to think about it, and this is what I wrote back:
Hi,
I hope you are well, Sorry but I'm really not at the minute, I am still hurting so much, and losing myself more than ever.
Thank you for my birthday present, it's very good so far, I really appreciate it. I have no photo's from my birthday as I had a really really bad day.
Like I said I am not coping right now, I will send you a letter as soon as possible, but I need some time still.
I love you and always will, but please just give me some time.
I am moving soon, but only next door, my address will be
.................................................. ......

I love you and will be in touch soon.



SnoozyQ, yes I am mess at the minute, not sleeping, or eating, all I do is worry and stress and have panic attacks. Hopefully, that email will suffice and not have her ringing my father to tell me to talk to her.
I understand where you are coming from, I do love my mother, so much, I just don't like the person she is at the minute, I would still do anything for her, and that's why I left, as I was just making things worse, I was hoping for everything to get better, but now I just feel alone, and like I should have stayed slave to the cheating manipulator. I don't know. I am glad I have this site and all you guys to help me or I dread to think where I would have ended up a couple of years ago. It all just seems never ending, and I try not to take things personally, but it feels like everything is against me at the minute, I take each day as it comes, and try to smile through and keep my mind occupied but it's hard when the people who hurt me the most are the people I love and trusted the most.
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Old 07-10-2014, 03:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Synfull Vyxun View Post
I agree, I do have to take care of me, but they don't let me not keep in touch, I live alone,with a hormonal issue and pass out every now and then, In Australia, they call it Epilepsy, in the Uk, Hormonal Vesavegal Syncope, so if I don't get back to people within a couple of hours, or days as my parents are in the Uk. Then they worry about me, some days I just don't wanna message them back, some days I worry about what they want, so I don't answer them.
Well, this is kind of what I was getting at. This is a "Ya, but." At some level, you are still addicted to them. They're poisonous, but there's always a reason why it is impossible to let go -- even from 12,000 miles away. Cut the leash? Ya, but I can't, because they'd find me. Get AM out of my life? Ya, but I can't, because Dad calls and talks about her. Refuse to talk to him about her? Ya, but I can't, because AM gets all over him if he won't talk to me about her. Cut off contact altogether? Ya, but I can't, because they'll worry.

A therapist once told me, "If your parents weren't there, you'd have to invent them!" That was in response to my continually holding them responsible for how messed up I was. I had said something like, "I'm thinking of moving to the west coast, because that way, I'd be out from under their thumb, and I could start living my own life." He kind of tried to convey that even if I did move to the west coast... that wasn't going to solve anything. There was some reason behind how... well, how inhibited I was -- and although my parents had a lot to do with it (since they "installed my buttons," etc.), there was more to it than moving away was going to solve.

If you need someone to check up in case you pass out... well, if you go to meetings, you'll have a whole bunch of program friends in no time, and one of them will be happy to do a little "service work" by checking in to make sure you're OK.

Toxic parents can "worry" all they want, but "worry" is a code word for "control." When someone says, "I worry about you," that can be translated roughly as, "Do As I Say!"

T
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Old 07-10-2014, 08:49 AM
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Yes I agree T. We can live with Ya Buts all we want but they only tie us to the problem. It's our responsibility to mature and move on staying away from parents that are negative and injurious. When I was healing I read a lot. I read stories of torture victims and WWII survivors. How they put the past behind them and moved on to successful happy lives was of particular interest. If they could do it, having an entire regime trying to destroy them, and I only had 2 parents and some siblings out to mess me up, made me realize it was MY JOB and my job alone. No one was to fix it but ME. It was my decision to be healthy and happy. I leaned on God and many resources and succeeded. But I never had the good parents that cared and participated. They didn't heal, they continued on their toxic ways until my A Dad was 80 and finally in lock up treatment. That was a lifetime. I am so glad I didn't wait for them to apologize and fix anything. I didn't live my life wanting them to either. I got on with my own life and my own happiness.

Please try it, you can do it.
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Old 07-10-2014, 06:08 PM
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Thanks T and Kialua, I know I need to let go, and there was nearly a but there, I see what you mean now. I know I try to make excuses, I always have, to excuse the a**holes in my life from doing the things they do, So maybe I do need to stop trying to look after everyone else, and it is going to be hard, mother always said I needed to learn to be more assertive and learn to say no to people, unfortunately I feel so bad when I do, that it's very hard for me.
I have tried to go no contact and no one listens to me when I say how much I am hurting and how I don't want to contact my mother, I think the only time I have ever shouted or got mad with my dad is when we have been with the mother and all argueing. I don't feel so much hate towards him so it is hard for me to get angry with him, it hurts that he doesn't listen to what I want, so I do have to learn to stick up for myself, It's just that no one has ever stuck up for me, I deal with it all alone, and do what everyone wants, I don't really know how to say no, go away, leave me alone.
I am not fearfull of my own safety, I know the ins and outs of my passing outs, and it doesn't scare me as I always wake up, maybe with a smashed in face or broken something, but I always wake up.
Sometimes I wish I could just pass out and never wake up, make all their lives less stressfull, then I would be left alone.
I am still a ball of stress, needing desperately to let some frustration out, I am thinking of asking an uncle to spend an hour in his shed with his punching bag.
Just to punch and kick and cry my eyes out. I feel that may help, as I am so lost, confused, wound up so tight I could snap at any minute, then regret it.
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Old 07-10-2014, 08:04 PM
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No one helped me but myself. I got myself to meetings, I read the books, I changed my thinking. I didn't ask others to stop, or do this or don't do that. I did what I needed and ignored the ones who hurt me, while I was healing myself with God's help. And I still do it.

The way I have no contact is to have no contact. Not asking or talking about it. Just don't have contact anymore.
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