getting back to normal hopefully.
 

Ok I have had a couple of days stress free, so far so good, I have stopped trying to get in touch with my "friend" Scott, as I was having panic attacks, again. Let him ignore me, his loss. I really thought he was one of the good ones, but obviously just like the rest of the a**holes in my life. He was the only one who hardly ever drank though, so I knew the things he said were true and he wasn't going to forget he said them, he gave me so much confidence back and I really miss him. But I don't want to burden people or make them suffer for my happiness so I will let go, if he wants to still be friends, he knows where I am.

I'm still so confused, but I fortunately missed a drunken phone call from my dad, he rang back when he was sober so I could talk with him properly and I think he is going to stop hassling me about keeping in contact with the A mother, my stepdad said he is not getting involved anymore and will not tell me the disgusting things she is still doing. So now to get the aunt n uncle off my back by paying them back and I am done, no more miss nicey nicey, do what they all want, I will be gone and out of here before they try to give the next piece of advice.

Hopefully this carries on and I can get through this rubbish. It's so hard.

On a good note, I have just been informed there is an al anon meeting just down the road from me on tuesday mornings, so I am going to try and get to that, but I'm so scared.
I can't quite put my finger on why, but maybe it is still because my mother told me I was never allowed to talk about it all, as they are all allowed privacy but I am not, my family tell everyone everything about me, (even strangers in shops,) the guys coming to look at the flat next door got told that some strange man tried to climb through my bedroom window, so now I fear they may try as they were not all there in the head, and now know I live alone, (I now have a bigger knife above my bed!!) My mother and aunt have always opened my mail, and in their drunken stupor's told lies about me and some truths that others should never know!!! but yet I have to keep my mouth shut so no one knows the truth, just the made up drunken stuff.

My stepdad said the same, when my mother would go out for drinks n a chat with people they would come back and the other people would be off with him and me, and we had no idea why, all because my mother had been telling the that we were the problem.

So with this website and al anon hopefully, I can rid myself of the agoraphobia, stress, anxiety,depression, crying, panic attacks and I can get back to eating and sleeping properly, I have developed a habit of turning around in bed, so now I can't sleep as I have to keep turning like a chicken on a hot spit or something. I hate it, I have the panic attacks and throw up all I have eaten, then I stress about my weight and can't eat anymore, I think I have always been borderline, but now am developing a full on eating disorder.

I constantly think about ending it all, not suicide as I don't think I could put my family through that hurt and pain, I would just run, and go out bush, far far away and never come back. :headbange

Who said you had to talk? You can go to an Al-Anon or other 12-step meeting and just sit there and listen -- for proof, look no further than Andy Garcia in "When a Man Loves a Woman." His wife (Meg Ryan) goes away for treatment, and he goes to Al-Anon, where for months, he just sits and listens. Eventually, he decides to share -- but it's not required. Even after all the years I've been going to Al-Anon, I often sit there the whole meeting and don't say anything. I promise no one will hassle you about it -- because at Al-Anon, you'll be in the company of a bunch of people who get it, like we do.

Some meetings even have coffee and stuff. Check it out! Be not afraid!

T

That's pretty typical of alcoholics. They need everyone to keep their secret, because any time it becomes public knowledge their addiction is threatened.

trom is right -- you don't have to say a thing in an Al-Anon meeting. The only thing expected of you is, when everyone goes around and introduces themselves, you say "Hi, I'm Vixen" -- that's all. You should feel absolutely free to NOT share in the meeting if you don't feel comfortable.

Don't Talk, Don't Think, Don't Feel. The life lessons learned by children of alcoholics. You don't have to talk at meetings. Participation is not mandatory. Neither is attendance. Sometimes I share a lot, and sometimes I just sit and listen. Nobody seems to mind either way. We all get it.

I hope you're able to make your move soon and with as little stress as possible. Do you practice meditation, yoga, or breathing exercises? Each of those combined with self-coping statements helped me get my anxiety under control. Give it a whirl. It can't hurt. :)

SV, I am not an acoa, so I am not qualified to give any advice.

A few years ago, I had six months of craziness and I developed most of the symptoms you mentioned. Cant sleep, no appetite, crying most nights, panic attacks, so confused and so angry. It took me a while before I realised that my acoa husband was being manipulated and that I was sucked into the craziness.

Your stepdad has given you the best advice which is 'dont get involved anymore'. In our case, zero contact; the woman who manipulated my husband keep writing threatening messages on her Facebook wanting to kill someone. So I close my Facebook account so that no one can access our lives, and leave her and her Facebook well alone.

The good news is I no longer suffer from any of the symptoms.