ACOA Red book - Step Six
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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ACOA Red book - Step Six
So, friends, I am definitely spending my time on Steps 4 and Step 5. I went to an Alanon meeting this week and I picked up a Step 4 workbook. I am still trying to sort out which faults of mine are real and which are projected on to me. So for those of you who are ready to move on, here is Step Six.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all of these defects of character.
Luckily for me, I have a huge faith in my HP. I trust Him (her, Universe, whatever) more and more every day of my life, so when I figure out my real defects (and ones I haven't accepted or faced yet), I hope that I want Him to remove them, because I certainly trust that He will do so.
I guess my overspending and impulsivity is a hard one for me to give up. In a sense it is an addiction, because is feels so good when I am doing it. For the most part, I am a bargain hunter, so I have hidden under that "veil" that I get things for "cheap" so it is not really a problem. (kind of like alcoholics comparing themselves to others and saying, I'm not THAT bad)
Anyway, I always appreciate everyone's feedback with how they are doing with each step. Thank you!
Were entirely ready to have God remove all of these defects of character.
Luckily for me, I have a huge faith in my HP. I trust Him (her, Universe, whatever) more and more every day of my life, so when I figure out my real defects (and ones I haven't accepted or faced yet), I hope that I want Him to remove them, because I certainly trust that He will do so.
I guess my overspending and impulsivity is a hard one for me to give up. In a sense it is an addiction, because is feels so good when I am doing it. For the most part, I am a bargain hunter, so I have hidden under that "veil" that I get things for "cheap" so it is not really a problem. (kind of like alcoholics comparing themselves to others and saying, I'm not THAT bad)
Anyway, I always appreciate everyone's feedback with how they are doing with each step. Thank you!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I'm muddling through this one. Right after my fourth and fifth steps, when I was starting to think I might be getting the hang of this whole recovery thing, life threw me a couple of curveballs to deal with.
I saw that I had the choice of resorting to my old character defect behaviors or applying my program. It has been a daily and sometimes hourly struggle to maintain my "emotional sobriety" and not go back to my old ways. The light at the end of the tunnel is starting to peek through, though I am being careful not to do too much future tripping, which used to be one of my favorite pastimes, lol.
Had a good talk with my son yesterday. He was very emotional but it ended up being productive because I was able to just listen to him without justifying myself or trying to talk him out of his negative feelings. I think he appreciated that.
This step six is no joke. I really thought it would be kind of a breeze because it doesn't seem so much like an "action step" as the previous two, but that's because the action is all kind of in your heart and your head.
I saw that I had the choice of resorting to my old character defect behaviors or applying my program. It has been a daily and sometimes hourly struggle to maintain my "emotional sobriety" and not go back to my old ways. The light at the end of the tunnel is starting to peek through, though I am being careful not to do too much future tripping, which used to be one of my favorite pastimes, lol.
Had a good talk with my son yesterday. He was very emotional but it ended up being productive because I was able to just listen to him without justifying myself or trying to talk him out of his negative feelings. I think he appreciated that.
This step six is no joke. I really thought it would be kind of a breeze because it doesn't seem so much like an "action step" as the previous two, but that's because the action is all kind of in your heart and your head.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
The secret to this step, for me, is that tricky little business about "entirely ready". I had some character defects I _liked_, and I was not completely sure I wanted to go along with this whole process.
Which means I had taken short cuts on my inventory. I had _not_ gone deep enough into _why_ I have those character defects. They had a "payoff" for me, a "reward" that fed some part of my injured self that I still needed.
One of my defects was that I was _painfully_ shy. Talking to people was absolutely impossible. I would do _anything_ to avoid dealing with a person, which made it difficult to hold down a job, rent an apartment, etc. etc. I did not think that was a defect, it was the natural outcome of being an abused child. It was my parents fault that I was so shy, not mine, so why should I have to deal with it in my 12 step work?
well.... yes it was my parent's fault that I was shy, but it was _my_ fault that I _stayed_ shy.
What a good therapist helped me unravel in the process of working these steps is that the shyness was my defense against taking a risk. If I never stopped being shy, I would never get hurt. My sponsor then pointed out that hanging on to my shyness was another way of saying my parents were _right_ in their emotional abuse of me. If I was a worthless human being then I should _not_ work on my issues. But if my parents were _wrong_, then I _deserved_ to work on my issues.
That stung, but it worked and it got me started.
I did get rid of the shyness. Eventually I was able to play in rock bands, one of which went on tour across the western USA. Our biggest concert was 20,000 people. I started a clown troupe and went all over the southern USA putting on shows. I became a photographer and had the opportunity to shoot some of the world's top super models. You can't be shy and be able to talk to some of the most beautiful women in the world... and their husbands
The secret to this step, for me, is that if it is _not_ a "slam dunk", easy as pie and "of course I want to get rid of my defects" it's because I need to back up and go deeper on the inventory.
Mike
Which means I had taken short cuts on my inventory. I had _not_ gone deep enough into _why_ I have those character defects. They had a "payoff" for me, a "reward" that fed some part of my injured self that I still needed.
One of my defects was that I was _painfully_ shy. Talking to people was absolutely impossible. I would do _anything_ to avoid dealing with a person, which made it difficult to hold down a job, rent an apartment, etc. etc. I did not think that was a defect, it was the natural outcome of being an abused child. It was my parents fault that I was so shy, not mine, so why should I have to deal with it in my 12 step work?
well.... yes it was my parent's fault that I was shy, but it was _my_ fault that I _stayed_ shy.
What a good therapist helped me unravel in the process of working these steps is that the shyness was my defense against taking a risk. If I never stopped being shy, I would never get hurt. My sponsor then pointed out that hanging on to my shyness was another way of saying my parents were _right_ in their emotional abuse of me. If I was a worthless human being then I should _not_ work on my issues. But if my parents were _wrong_, then I _deserved_ to work on my issues.
That stung, but it worked and it got me started.
I did get rid of the shyness. Eventually I was able to play in rock bands, one of which went on tour across the western USA. Our biggest concert was 20,000 people. I started a clown troupe and went all over the southern USA putting on shows. I became a photographer and had the opportunity to shoot some of the world's top super models. You can't be shy and be able to talk to some of the most beautiful women in the world... and their husbands
The secret to this step, for me, is that if it is _not_ a "slam dunk", easy as pie and "of course I want to get rid of my defects" it's because I need to back up and go deeper on the inventory.
Mike
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Had kind of a breakthrough with this step in the past couple of days. Something happened in a long-running situation that I had projected as the worst possible outcome. As far as I know, the world is still turning, the ground is under my feet and the sun has risen and set at least twice.
I was able to accept it and life goes on. I was able to push aside all my childhood projections and see it for what it was- a negative outcome, but certainly not the end of the world. My son will be having some negative consequences, repeating the seventh grade, but only because he made a series of choices starting last September that led him to this point. He is still dealing with the emotional fallout of his dad's death, and I will be signing him up for additional counseling when he returns from visiting his grandparents in August. He did a program through the local hospice, but it was only a few weeks long and he really needs something more.
I can't help comparing how my parents would have reacted in the same situation and feeling like I have learned a lot of valuable lessons about how NOT to be a parent, so I am grateful to them for those lessons.
I was able to accept it and life goes on. I was able to push aside all my childhood projections and see it for what it was- a negative outcome, but certainly not the end of the world. My son will be having some negative consequences, repeating the seventh grade, but only because he made a series of choices starting last September that led him to this point. He is still dealing with the emotional fallout of his dad's death, and I will be signing him up for additional counseling when he returns from visiting his grandparents in August. He did a program through the local hospice, but it was only a few weeks long and he really needs something more.
I can't help comparing how my parents would have reacted in the same situation and feeling like I have learned a lot of valuable lessons about how NOT to be a parent, so I am grateful to them for those lessons.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
LS I am sorry to here of your sons struggles. Try to view it as hitting the reset button. Better to have him repeat the grade.than have him advance and spend another year struggling because he isnt prepared.
Mike, I am quite shy as well.
While I would love.to have my defects removed I dont view it as something that God would do but something that I would have to let go of and say good bye to.
Mike, I am quite shy as well.
While I would love.to have my defects removed I dont view it as something that God would do but something that I would have to let go of and say good bye to.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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((((((Ladyscribbler)))))). I have learned to let go with my kids, too, and stop pretending like I have all the answers or that my preset ideas and molds, are the right ones for them. I notice when I let go and let God with them, is when I see them truly blossom. I remind myself that God loves all of us the same and infinitely so. If I trust the universe with my life than I should trust the universe with their lives as well. They are not "of me", they came through me. That being said, mothering is the hardest job in the world. I admire and respect your post!
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