Synfull Vyxun

I am realising just how screwed up I am,

I have not heard from my mother for my birthday, it would have been fine if she hadnt sent one of our mutual friends to email me and ask me to email the mother so she could send me birthday wishes. so after wanting to cut contact other than snail mail, I gave in, emailed her, and suprise suprise have heard nothing back, one of my good friends was going to come and see me for my birthday and then for some reason has ignored me ever since, I really wanted to catch up with him as it's been awhile and nothing, Now I understand why I hate birthdays!!!! I do everything to make others people birthdays real special, well no more, I hate people, I hate myself, I hate my life, Im so sick of it all.

Sick of trying to keep everyone happy, and not worrying about myself.

Well on the weekend just gone, I had a bloke climbing through my bedroom window at 7am!!!
Turns out it was a real estate agent trying to get in next door as someone locked the keys in there, this guy was lucky, I have a huge, very sharp hunting knife next to by bed, which he nearly made friends with.
Apparently he was mortified and sent me a big bunch of flowers to say sorry, needless to say I have now locked all doors and windows, blocked them off, and moved my bedroom to the middle of the house where there are no windows.

I am a single female living alone, and I thought I was pretty tough but now I am sorta scared. I feel I am losing it more and more each day, I feel I am turning into my mother without the alcohol though.
I hate it, I hate it all. I can't handle much more, Im so alone and lost. :mog

Dee74

I'm not a single female but I keep all my windows and doors locked anyway
That real estate guy sounds a bit fishy to me - did you check out whether he was genuine?

As for your mum - that's the hard bit of no contact - it means no contact even when you might like some, SV.

If you send mixed signals to your mum, then the likelihood is nothing much is going to change I'm afraid.

D

Synfull Vyxun

I like to get the fresh air in my house and my window locks are a pain to lock and unlock, but will be locked from now on, I checked with the real estate and he was genuine, and is never going to live it down now, poor guy.

As for my mother, I only contacted her as if I didn't my father would have been on my back about it, and didn't need that on my birthday, I have told her I do not want to have her on facebook and I will send her stuff in the mail and she can do the same, then we can't get into arguments.
I didn't contact her for over a year until she text my dad asking when I was going to stop punishing her and breaking her heart, more guilt trips and he just wont let me off, I want to send him all the foul text messages and video, pictures I have of her disgusting, lying, cheating and manipulative behaviour so he gets off my back, but people on here say I shouldn't, He says she is my mother, if it was the other way round he would want me to talk to him, but it is not, he is not as bad as her.
I love my mother I just don't like the person she is, and everyone else thinks she is perfect as she is very manipulative and good at guilt tripping, so they all think I am the bad guy coz I left my mother.
I am 29 now and need to live my own life, not be slave to someone who hates and disrespects me.

I am finding it so hard as I always had blinkers on and now I see what my family really are and I hate it, I love them all but I don't want to end up like them. and if things carry on, I will.

greeteachday

Wow, that is crazy about the real estate guy! I'm glad you checked it out - I can understand your concern. I know it is no consolation for the scare, but it is nice that you received some beautiful flowers.

Happy birthday! I hope this year brings new opportunities to meet people who share your interests and open doors to new friendships and more peace of mind.

Kialua

I know you are not a religious person but your posts alarm me. I hope you won't do anything drastic to yourself. I will be praying for you. I don't want to push anything on you but sometimes a spiritual intervention does wonders. It did for me.

Synfull Vyxun

Thank you very much, I hope something good comes along soon..

Synfull Vyxun

Sorry for alarming you Kialua, I try not to hurt myself or do anything, but I always end up pi**ing someone off for just being myself and I'm sick of it. I just want to run away from everyone I know, and never speak a word again, then I will stop messing everything up. I ruined my mother life and also my own.
I have nothing and I am nothing to anyone. No one cares, loves or respects me, so what is the point, might as well make them all happy. I just don't know anymore, sick of being ignored, sick of being told what to do with MY life, sick of everyone else being involved, as much as I try to stay home, not go out drinking, partying or anything else, I go nowhere, I see no one, when I do I annoy people, I don't know how, I am not loud and annoying, I am easy going and laid back, and just don't know anymore. Dont worry Kialua, one day I will be fine, but thank you so much. I don't think God can help me now, it's to late.

tromboneliness

It sounds like you have a clear understanding of what's going on. NC with the maternal 'rent, but paternal one refuses to go along... so he is allowed to continue twisting the knife on her behalf. He can't do it, though, if... you don't let him.

My cousins (mostly) all think my parents were the bee's knees. Well, they were not. And I am not interested in hearing about how my parents were the bee's knees. So I do not talk to (mostly-all of) my cousins. I do not take their calls. I do not send them Christmas cards. I do not visit them. They are not permitted to visit me (should they want to, which they probably don't anyway, but who knows). And -- when a funeral must be attended, as was the case a few weeks ago -- I get there late, put in the minimum amount of time required to have my presence duly noted, pay my respects, and depart without saying much.

It's pretty clear, from what you're saying, that Dad can't/won't stop being the conduit for Mom's manipulation. It's not for me to give advice, but if he's going to keep doing that, well.... Time for some self-care.

T

Synfull Vyxun

Than you, yes I am in a hard place, I only talk to me dad about every 2 weeks and he always asks if I have sent A mother a card for mothers day, or birthday, or just to be nice, but I don't see why I should. I think I am finally getting through to him that I will only be in touch with her by mail, he is slowly coming to terms with that. So birthdays and christmas cards are all she will get, with minimum wording and no mothers day anything. She is far from deserving any of that!!! Which is what kills her the most I think, but she is still out partying and drinking, she accidently rang my stepdad the other day, he thought it must have been an emergency and answered to hear her drinking having fun in a local pub with some random man, broke his heart all over again. She will never change, she has lost all morals ad respect for herself and others, but dad will never understand this, as he has never known any alcoholics and has never been in this situation, and thinks it is all me, mother is fine apparently.

NWGRITS

SV, I hope you realize that you aren't at fault for anything your mother does or feels. The guilt trips are just manipulation to keep you on the crazy train. We care about you. We've all got at least one A parent with one codie parent, or two A parents for the super unfortunate lot. Please don't beat yourself up over any of this. Being an ACoA basically make a you "Damned if you do, Damned if you don't." It doesn't matter what you do, it'll always be the wrong thing. Your AM could trip over a rock and it would be your fault somehow. See how ridiculous this is? It's not you! You are important. You matter.

Synfull Vyxun

Yep I got two A parents, and the families attached to them, I think Im about the only one who doesn't drink that much. I do feel that 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' everyday. I have always tried to keep everyone happy, and they never care about me, when I am down or having a bad day, I still have to do what they want. then I get in trouble for not studying or something. I hate it, Im so lost, what you say makes sense and good to know Im not alone, but I really really feel it.

NWGRITS

I don't know your background. Are you living at home or on your own? I wasn't able to really separate myself from the madness or heal until I was out of the family home. It's taken a lot of time, Al-Anon, and therapy to get to where I am today. The depression of living with an active A can be so, so painful. Just know that their words are reflecting their feelings about themselves and aren't about you at all. There is a better life out there for you. It takes a lot if work to make that happen. If you'd have asked me five years ago if my current life was possible, I'd have laughed hysterically and then asked to have some of what you were smoking. I thought I'd be stuck in the abyss forever. It really can get better. Really. (((Hugs)))