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No contact. Now what?

Old 06-10-2014, 10:57 AM
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No contact. Now what?

I blew up at my mom today during a phone call and long story short I told her I couldnt have her in my life anymore. She has extreme narcissistic tendicies and something happened while listening to her garbage and I snapped. While I am going a bit back and forth between anger and shock about her blatant lies and selective memory, my biggest feeling is relief.
Now how do I keep my boundaries intact without harming my relationship with my sisters. Especially since my mom is living with one of them out of necessity though my sister isnt real happy about it
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Old 06-10-2014, 11:12 AM
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If you decided to have no contact for a while, remember each if these relationships is separate. No gossiping about anyone to another. No punishing mom, just moving ahead yourself to recovery. No harming others' relationships with each other.

This of course means we have to have our own program of recovery to work through out pain
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Old 06-10-2014, 11:28 AM
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Thank you build. I just dont want my sisters to feel they have to shoulder the entire burden regarding her. You know, if things get tough I will help out but otherwise I dont want anything to do with her.
Since my mom quit working 5 years ago she also quit taking responsibilty for her life. She resists us stepping in and taking charge but when she is overdue for a doctors visit or out of medication she comes to me normally acting all helpless and demanding help being taken to appointments and such. It is like dealing with a spoiled child.
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Old 06-10-2014, 11:48 AM
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Now what?
I think that you should take it one day at a time, don't plan too far ahead and let whatever emotions you have rush over you and try not to be dominated too much by them.

I am in a similar place with my mum (I'm UK) but my sister and I have no relationship too at the moment. I'm hoping that will change but if it does not then its meant to be. It was part n the tangled mess too though and gave me anxiety so maybe it will turn out for the best.

I do enjoy the peace and quiet.
I hope you will too.
I don't miss the constant thoughts all day and the manipulation, the nasty phone calls or the being made to feel worthless.

I did start thinking 'What will we do when it is christmas?' or 'Am I a horrid daughter for doing this'.
Now, I don't think any further ahead than the day I am on.
So christmas, mothers day, easter, birthdays are not on my mind.

Maybe it might result in you and your sisters having a better relationship when they see how peaceful your life is?
I also think that there is a big difference between being involved with the care of someone who is grateful for the help and caring for someone who is ungrateful, difficult and abuses the resources that they are given.

Its not as straightforward as saying that you are not involved anymore.
Its not that black and white.
I have found that there are people on this earth who have the ability to let the insults wash over them and ignore them.
I'm not like that, my sister is though.
And some people might be better at doing the caring bit that involves contact where as you could be managing her bills, her paperwork etc. So you are still helping but you don't have to have physical contact.

Wishing you the best xx
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:07 PM
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That's the thing, though. They don't have to do anything. They don't have to carry the burden. They make the choice to be caretakers, just like you made the choice to get off the crazy train. You don't owe them or your mother anything. We are taught differently as children of alcoholics. Maybe they will see your happiness and lack of stress and start to seek that life for themselves. I was the first of my FoO to cut ny AM out of my life (ok, my dad was first, as he divorced her when I was four), but now two years later, every last one of us has gone No Contact. And you know what? It hasn't made a bit of difference in how much, when, or where she drinks. Your mother is a grown woman and can fend for herself.
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Old 06-10-2014, 11:28 PM
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NW, you are absolutely right. And yet I am still wracked with guilt. It doesnt help that she is an alcoholic. Just dysfunctional. So, she is often viewed as helpless. And I am the eldest. And...and....and.
I know telling her that it wasnt healthy for me to have her.in my life anymore was the smartest choice for me. There is that lingering guilt. There is that part of me that says "But she is your mother" It is the pits
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Old 06-11-2014, 03:01 AM
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Originally Posted by happybeingme View Post
my biggest feeling is relief.
Now how do I keep my boundaries intact without harming my relationship with my sisters. Especially since my mom is living with one of them out of necessity though my sister isnt real happy about it
The feeling of relief often tells me that my decision was right.

I'm managing to keep my boundaries intact because they're working i.e. my lack of contact seems more peaceful and serene than the opposite.

I don't make NO contact, I have limited contact, but my boundary includes putting me and my immediate family (my children for example) first. I do not negotiate around that. It means my Sisters have to do a bit more but their boundaries are their business.

M
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Old 06-11-2014, 03:12 AM
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Originally Posted by happybeingme View Post
There is that lingering guilt. There is that part of me that says "But she is your mother" It is the pits
I have suffered from that guilt too. I suffered from it for exactly the same reason 'she is my mother', then I suffered from it because 'but she is very ill' then I suffered from it because 'Does this mean I am not practicing my program', then I suffered because I thought 'how would I like it if I were treated that way' etc etc etc

Where does all this guilt come from, where is the rule that I must put up with BS in my life..... It comes from myself that's where!!! I developed certain traits 'I get guilt feelings when I stand up for myself (trait 7).

As I said in a previous post; I make some contact with my Mother as opposed to zero. That helps me balance the sense of duty, guilt and having compassion. I need to remember that my Mother is an Adult Child as well, she just hasn't had the gift of discovery/recovery and nor is she ever likely to.

M
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Old 06-11-2014, 03:58 AM
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First my above post should say she is NOT alcoholic.

I hear Mako. I hate the guilt and am quite aware I do it myself. I was a limited contact with her. But, I realized in hindsight that she was gearing up to cross my boundary by again calling me every week and bringing up topics I dont want to talk about with her. Then after a few more things I knew that was it. I think part of my guilt is from deciding to finally stop putting up with her. I have done it my whole life why not keep doing it. Plus there is the guilt from knowing she is deliberately sabotaging her life to force my sisters and I to be involved.

It is just an ugly vicious cycle. Like your mother my mom is also an adult child and knowing her family as intimately as I do I understand where and how she came to be who she is. Yet I still feel somehow some of this is my fault
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Old 06-11-2014, 06:52 AM
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Originally Posted by happybeingme View Post
Yet I still feel somehow some of this is my fault
Knowing what I know now about generational dysfunction and how it gets passed on, I 'know' its not my fault. But I catch your drift, knowing doesn't always help. What has caused me the most difficulty is trying to stop fixing 'it' & her. Maybe that fixing is just a another form of believing its my fault??

Today, I'm a bit better and I don't mean a recovery talk 'today' I mean in the true sense a short time frame i.e. very recently I've have managed to stop trying to fix :-)

Mako
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Old 06-11-2014, 07:03 AM
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Guilt?
Oh my goodness yes!
The first morning when I woke up after the row that led me to decide I could not carry on being made to feel like this, my immediate thought was 'oh my go, what have I done? Everyone will hate me'

I still get the guilt now.
But then I remind myself that no-one has rung me to say sorry.
No-one has admitted that this does happen.
The gas lighting still continues even with the minimum contact I have.
When I have pointed out that their behaviour is gas lighting and it is cruel and mean and nasty, I sill have not had an apology.

I try to deal with the guilt logically, rather than let it take over and make me feel bad.

Still wishing you the best xx
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Old 06-11-2014, 08:15 AM
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Thank you sasha. That was exactly how I felt this morning. Knowing rationally I am doing the right thing doesnt seem to be making it to my heart where the lifetime of dysfunction is resting. I think one of the other things I am having a hard time with is the factI didnt plan it. It just happened and I didnt mentally play out a thousand different scenarios before I did it.
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Old 06-11-2014, 11:06 AM
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Guilt is a learned behavior, and we ACoA have it in spades. We'd all make wonderful Catholics. I will tell you that I didn't just cut the cord and then go do cartwheels shouting "Free at last, free at last. Lord Almighty I'm free at last!" What I *did* do was haul my butt to Al-Anon and threw myself headfirst into a program. I still get the well-intentioned guilt trips from strangers or extended family who have no effing clue what's been going on for the past 30-something years. I just tell them that my mother is an alcoholic and it's in my best interest to not speak to her. If they continue to prod, I either hang up or walk away. Not much I could tell them that would do any good.

These things take time. Just know that you are doing the right thing and what anyone else thinks of you is none of your business.
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Old 06-11-2014, 11:24 AM
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Thanks for the giggle about being a good Catholic. It is very true.
I now accept that in order do this right I am definitely going to have to make a commitment to doing what I have to to fully recover. In the meantime it is nice to know I have finally given myself permission to let her go
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Old 06-12-2014, 12:10 PM
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At last I have done something the catholic church would be proud of!

All those years at school with the nuns were not wasted.
Yes I am an unmarried single mum, but I am brilliant at doing guilt!!!
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Old 06-13-2014, 11:53 PM
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live and let live.....

the live part is the hardest part for me. invited to live life fully.
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Old 06-14-2014, 11:24 AM
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utopia

Not sure I understand. Could you explain please
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Old 06-14-2014, 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by utopia View Post
the live part is the hardest part for me. invited to live life fully.
Yes, this is hard. I got a taste of it this afternoon, at a company party/outing to an amusement place that featured food, miniature golf, bumper boats, ice cream, and various family activities. My wife and I had lunch with the people I work with, socialized a little, walked around, took a spin on the bumper boats... and then looked at each other and said, we're outta here.

On the way back, I said, "I always feel so disconnected at these social events." I'm lousy at having fun -- OK, the bumper boats were fun, but that's the sort of thing I don't seek out... pretty much ever. I don't do much of anything to have fun for its own sake.

I forget the line exactly from The Promises (ACA red book), but it talks about "We will recognize the importance of play and figure out how to have fun in our lives," or something like that. That's not natural -- it just doesn't occur to me to go out and do something fun. (My wife's pretty much the same way -- but she's also an ACA, so that's no big surprise.)

The "let live" part is, somehow, easier to identify and implement. "Live," well, how are we supposed to really do that?

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Old 06-14-2014, 04:54 PM
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Having a strained relationship with your mom to the point of no contact is not good in my opinion. I think the questions is how do you try to mend the relationship vs. how to keep someone like your mom out of your life. Perhaps you need to pray for her instead of being angry. We've all made mistakes and forgiveness albeit difficult is one of the best approaches then keep side up healthy boundaries.
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Old 06-14-2014, 07:22 PM
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Originally Posted by rowd44 View Post
Having a strained relationship with your mom to the point of no contact is not good in my opinion. I think the questions is how do you try to mend the relationship vs. how to keep someone like your mom out of your life. Perhaps you need to pray for her instead of being angry. We've all made mistakes and forgiveness albeit difficult is one of the best approaches then keep side up healthy boundaries.
Sometimes it is not good to be in contact with our alcoholic parents as well.

It is imperative that some of us have no contact with out alcoholic parents, in fact it can be a matter of survival. We may or may repair that relationship depending on many different factors. But it is never an easy decision and it is one that the OP must make alone without guilt.
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