No contact. Now what?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Rowd,
I understand your thinking. You think 'a mothers love' ' the mother/daughter bond'. But that is the problemm there is no love from her nor do we have a bond. They never existed. I give, she takes, I do, she accepts. But nothing is returned. I wish she were an alcoholic or addict. Those things I could point to and say "see thats the problem". Instead I have a mother with a personality disorder. She lies, whines, cries, manipulates, denies, blames. I am 42 and just cant deal with it anymore. She is only 67. She is not infirm. She just doesnt want to deal with her life and actively tries to sabotage it so "her daughters" will ride to the rescue and she can point and say"see how much they love me. See how good they are to me"
So you see there is nothing to fix because there was never anything there to be broken. Personal boundaries dont work because she feels they dont apply to her. It is all or nothing
I understand your thinking. You think 'a mothers love' ' the mother/daughter bond'. But that is the problemm there is no love from her nor do we have a bond. They never existed. I give, she takes, I do, she accepts. But nothing is returned. I wish she were an alcoholic or addict. Those things I could point to and say "see thats the problem". Instead I have a mother with a personality disorder. She lies, whines, cries, manipulates, denies, blames. I am 42 and just cant deal with it anymore. She is only 67. She is not infirm. She just doesnt want to deal with her life and actively tries to sabotage it so "her daughters" will ride to the rescue and she can point and say"see how much they love me. See how good they are to me"
So you see there is nothing to fix because there was never anything there to be broken. Personal boundaries dont work because she feels they dont apply to her. It is all or nothing
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by happybeingme 
Rowd,
I understand your thinking. You think 'a mothers love' ' the mother/daughter bond'. But that is the problemm there is no love from her nor do we have a bond. They never existed. I give, she takes, I do, she accepts. But nothing is returned. I wish she were an alcoholic or addict. Those things I could point to and say "see thats the problem". Instead I have a mother with a personality disorder. She lies, whines, cries, manipulates, denies, blames. I am 42 and just cant deal with it anymore. She is only 67. She is not infirm. She just doesnt want to deal with her life and actively tries to sabotage it so "her daughters" will ride to the rescue and she can point and say"see how much they love me. See how good they are to me"
So you see there is nothing to fix because there was never anything there to be broken. Personal boundaries dont work because she feels they dont apply to her. It is all or nothing
I understand your thinking. You think 'a mothers love' ' the mother/daughter bond'. But that is the problemm there is no love from her nor do we have a bond. They never existed. I give, she takes, I do, she accepts. But nothing is returned. I wish she were an alcoholic or addict. Those things I could point to and say "see thats the problem". Instead I have a mother with a personality disorder. She lies, whines, cries, manipulates, denies, blames. I am 42 and just cant deal with it anymore. She is only 67. She is not infirm. She just doesnt want to deal with her life and actively tries to sabotage it so "her daughters" will ride to the rescue and she can point and say"see how much they love me. See how good they are to me"
So you see there is nothing to fix because there was never anything there to be broken. Personal boundaries dont work because she feels they dont apply to her. It is all or nothing
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
Originally Posted by happybeingme
Not sure I understand. Could you explain please
Live - I'm invited to live and live my own life fully - I can't live my life if I am stuck/emeshed in the mind of another , the resentment, the rage, the grief....all those feelings need to be brought under the light of the Steps - at least for me they did....I needed the Al-anon book "from survival to recovery", there are not any promises but a lot of healing to be found.....I needed to do the steps with a sponsor, especially the blueprint for progress......after the step work, therapy I began to learn how to live.......
I learnt to have fun, feed myself, love myself, re-parent, (or maybe parent) the little inner me ....
Let Live - I have no way to control another, and not really the right either...it just burns when it is a relative esp. a parent....It used to be too muc h for me that I longed for death but in al-anon ive learnt to accept the choices of others, even if I DESPISE the nature of those choices - why> for me....for my serenity.......accepting what is is painful but through the other side of the pain is freedom, accepting that if I LET my family LIVE (even if that leads to death and insanity) I will have full focus on Gods will for me, for my life, my side of the street......
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Happy
The guilt took me about a year to work through, maybe a little longer.
After that I wanted out so badly I would have done anything.
The longer we rescue these people the more harm we cause ourselves and them.
We seek out other Ns and get abused etc
Bite the bullet and feel the guilt. Embrace your pain. Do the work and you'll get out
My N mother is also not alcoholic
Being raised by adult children can be just as damaging and Ns are the worst
Don't react to her!!! That gives your power away.
Start reading Hope For Today every single day and get a sponsor or a small group of safe friends in Alanon to make this journey with
Hope For Today is Alanons Adult Child book and it tells us how to work through this
It also gives us compassion for the Alcoholic parents (or Narcissists) to ease our anger
You could be starting a beautiful journey of your life with God because of this
Nothing is wasted in this life as long as we are willing
May God bless you and yours
The guilt took me about a year to work through, maybe a little longer.
After that I wanted out so badly I would have done anything.
The longer we rescue these people the more harm we cause ourselves and them.
We seek out other Ns and get abused etc
Bite the bullet and feel the guilt. Embrace your pain. Do the work and you'll get out
My N mother is also not alcoholic
Being raised by adult children can be just as damaging and Ns are the worst
Don't react to her!!! That gives your power away.
Start reading Hope For Today every single day and get a sponsor or a small group of safe friends in Alanon to make this journey with
Hope For Today is Alanons Adult Child book and it tells us how to work through this
It also gives us compassion for the Alcoholic parents (or Narcissists) to ease our anger
You could be starting a beautiful journey of your life with God because of this
Nothing is wasted in this life as long as we are willing
May God bless you and yours
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