EveningRose

Thank you, Gleefan. I need to read this thread carefully, and I have recognized there's a problem even in the fact that I have a difficult time even reading about this step, stemming (presumably) from years of being told how I'm to blame, and years of having already accepted blame and accepted that I'm a flawed human being, and worked hard to be a better person.

gleefan

Evening Rose,
I encourage you to keep trying. This step has changed the way I look at everything, especially my resentments. I'm finding forgiveness in this step, not necessarily towards my family of origin (yet, although I'm getting there), but definitely towards the people in the messy relationships and codependent entanglements I entered because of my childhood dysfunction. I am blown away by the depth of the truths that I am uncovering in this step.

Do this step gently, at a pace that comfortable for you. Unload your burden here; let us comfort you. If that's not enough support, is there a real life meeting you can attend, or a counselor who can work through it with you?

makomago

Hi ER

I'm doing the ACA steps by going through the Twelve Steps of Adult Children Steps Workbook. It is known within the fellowship as the Yellow Book. There are a few more Inventory lists in this step, in this book than the standard 4 per AA.

For the record I am an alcoholic and have done the 12 steps in AA and I'm now doing them in ACoA, the ACoA way. OK.... there is some background info and 'stuff'.

Taking a drink is not necessary - Trait 13: Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up a drink.


Put another way: Alcoholics, addicts and adult children aren't the only ones who have elements of themselves which would benefit from self examination which is step 4.

But I guess in answer to the question 'what does the step mean' (from the Yellow Book) "The following worksheets and assignments will help detail the effects of being raised in a dysfunctional family. The worksheets include an inventory of survival traits, secrets, harms, resentments, sexual abuse, PTSD."
That's what the book says

Both the Big Red Book and the Yellow book seem to agree with your comment about recognising good points. Indeed the Yellow Book contains "Gentleness Breaks" and "Affirmations".

What Step 4 did for me in AA was provide a framework for self examination to enable me to understand how I 'worked' i.e. how I thought.

By looking at elements identified in the step and understanding why I thought like I did 'addressing my part in it' I came to know myself.

Where I once thought one way, I came to know how that thinking was flawed and ultimately harmful to me. The old thinking caused me problems in relationships and life - that made me thirsty. By understanding myself better (self examination which is step 4) I developed a better way to think and therefor act. Ultimately the new way is a better way for me to be; by knowing myself I can be myself.


Mako

tromboneliness

My Fourth Step experience was with the ACA yellow workbook, with a sponsor. And somehow, none of the negative connotations of "moral inventory" came into it at all. There really wasn't much "exact nature of our wrongs," either. Frankly, I think "moral inventory" is archaic language -- "wrongs," too. Look at it this way: the Steps were originally developed in AA. Alcoholism is not a moral failing -- it's a disease (in some sense or other), which has been recognized since the Big Book first got committed to paper (I think -- Dr. Bob said he felt it was a physiological thing from Day 1).

That being the case, how are our failings "moral," in any way? And what "wrongs" are we doing -- if we're talking about disease/illness?

So I try not to worry about it too much -- and by just doing the writing exercises in the workbook, a lot of things came out -- none of them having to do with morality or wrongs at all -- that my sponsor was able to spot, and interpret for me in terms of behavior patterns, primarily self-abandonment and self-belittling/minimization. The main recommendation coming out of that being, "OK, now you see the pattern -- so don't do it anymore!"

Put blame aside -- along with morality and wrongs. They're really not -- in my experience -- an essential part of Steps 4/5.

T

soshea

Wow. This is good stuff! I loved step 4 and 5 personally. AA says it's about a moral inventory. To me and my sponsor, moral is just another word for truth. It doesn't mean what's right or wrong "morally". It means come out of denial and see what's real. That's exactly what step four was for me. I finally got to see that I blamed myself for all the crap my family and world put on me. Sure, I had part in some of it. But a lot of it was brought on by the abuse in my childhood and forced family role. It was so freeing to see all the negative self talk was just a bunch of BS I was believing and not real. I could stop taking responsibility for hing that weren't mine and own the things that are.
Then my fifth step was beautiful. It was like all the stories and lies I took on were finally lifted off me. I could then them for what they were, actually were. And the most amazing thing happens with that. Fear of people subsides, life gets a bit lighter but most importantly, I had a tangible, palpable experience of God. I no longer doubt a higher power. Which is Huge for a cynic like me.

Step four took me a few months but hang in there with it. It's really amazing