ajarlson

I am posting this as a new thread because I want to make sure the questions from previous thread get seen. I went no contact with my mom a few months ago. I was at her house and I let her know that I wouldn't watch her throw her life away anymore and urged her to get help. We had a couple contacts after that but only short necessary contacts (getting my grandmother's piano etc). She called and left a voice mail last week wanting to know why I haven't been contacting her. So this is my dilemma, I feel like I need to let her know but I'm not sure why. I certainly won't call her, but am thinking of sending a letter. Perhaps part of me hopes she'll read the letter and break down into tears and get herself into rehab and become the person I always wanted her to be. Maybe I just feel like she really doesn't know and if she did, even if things weren't different I would have peace knowing that I said what I wanted to say - in a letter - without her interrupting me or telling me my memories are wrong or that it "wasn't that big of a deal". CLOSURE. Isn't that the buzz word? My therapist doesn't think CLOSURE is that necessary especially with an alcoholic. Anyone else have experience telling the alcoholic parent why you don't want to be a part of their life anymore and how that went? For those that didn't, do you feel like your parent really doesn't know why you won't talk/interact with them anymore?

Soberpotamus

I wrote her a note and sent it as an email. It didn't end well. But I don't regret sending it.

ajarlson

Does anyone think it's not ok to go no contact with no extra explanations? Some "social contract" thing perhaps? Not sure why this is tearing me up inside.

Soberpotamus

I went no contact without explanation for eight months and then I finally gave her the short explanation.

I think whatever you choose for yourself is going to be ok. Explanation or none.

ajarlson

Thanks. I was contemplating it last night and realizing that a long drawn out letter with everything she ever did wouldn't really help. Just a short, "I need to step away from you and your addiction for my own sanity", would probably be better.

newbie93

After all of my mom's lies were revealed and she was sent to detox and rehab, I had to go no contact for awhile with my parents. They had done so many hurtful things and their denial was so strong that my physical and mental health were suffering as a result of the stress. I sent a brief email to both of them saying that I wished them well and would let them know when I was ready to talk with no timetable. They weren't happy about it, but I was at peace for finally, clearly establishing a boundary.

Although we have limited contact now, I feel like they really don't get why I'm distant. I often feel the compulsion sometimes to lay it all out there, but I know that I'd have more luck explaining algebra to my dog than making them understand why our relationship is damaged. Outlining all of my reasons would just cause me more stress than it's worth. And, I realize, if they were really able to understand why, we probably wouldn't have half of these issues to begin with.

If telling your mom that you need a break will bring you peace, I think it's the right way to go. But, at least from my experience, an elaborate explanation is not needed, just a strong boundary.

PurpleKnight

I cut back contact with my dad, but that just meant keeping him separate from the rest of my life, relationships, work etc etc, but I didn't stop talking to him, for me I sought to strike a balance between preventing his drinking affecting my life and still having a chat now and again, and I successfully achieved that.

My dad passed away a few years back as a result of his drinking, for me realising that my dad made his own choice and not getting frustrated with the fact I couldn't do anything was important, also not having contact wouldn't in anyway made him stop drinking, he wouldn't have even cared that I wasn't in contact, as his daily focus was sadly when his next drink was, he never admitted he had a problem and never apologised for all the things he did through alcohol, so a letter listing everything would again have not made a difference.

So the best I could do was keep him at a distance, lead my life and keep him out of it, but then see and chat to him on occasion.

At his funeral I never had any regrets, and that is the important thing in my opinion in all of this, as no one will quit drinking unless they want to and my dad never wanted to so I had to do the best I could in the situation.

ajarlson

Thanks for this Newbie93 "I'd have more luck explaining algebra to my dog than making them understand why our relationship is damaged."
So true! As is the next part, if she understood we wouldn't be here.
I wish I could have partial contact but she's not content with a phone call here or there. As soon as she gets any opening she's calling for me to this or do that or she fell down etc etc etc. She has a compulsion to see me take care of her in her "old age" even though she's only 68 and quite healthy other than the addiction.
Any contact with her and I am constantly having to reinforce my boundaries with her, and it's just too exhausting. So I have chosen no contact, and will probably send her a short note at some point. She doesn't have email so it has to be snail mail. I foresee an angry voice mail after that letter gets there. But I would rather have that than her being able to say she doesn't know what's going on. Not sure why I care.

Soberpotamus

That was how it was with my mother too. I'd give an inch, she'd take a mile. Same old, same old. Never ever changed.

ajarlson

Thanks SoberJennie - sometimes it's just good to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes. Most people don't really understand. My fiance has great parents and family, he's completely supportive of me, but he admits he can't really understand what it's like.
Love this forum.

Soberpotamus

Yeah, absolutely, it does help to talk with others who've "been there." Glad you're here! Keep talkin' it out.

PurpleKnight

The thing that hurt so much is that my dad never cared about his father/son relationship with his son, that was the killer for me, my dad and I therefore never really got past being acquaintances, never were as close as friends, and the father/son relationship ship had sailed.

I dunno what the right answer is Ajarlson, maybe there is no right answer, we can't compete with alcohol, that was my foundation in my perspective, that was my dad's love in life and I sadly didn't match up to that, but in addition to that frustration, I had to accept I couldn't change my dad, only he could do that, and he didn't want to do that, so nothing was going to change until he changed it, in a way that brought me a freedom to not feel like I wasn't doing everything I could, as there was nothing that could be done, and I clung onto that concept.

For me I successfully kept my life segregated, there was my dad, and then there was everything else, and I guess I just wanted in the end not to have any regrets, and in the end I didn't!!

But it's far from easy either way!! Hang in there!!

Soberpotamus

PK, I'm not close to my Dad, either. He's not alcoholic but his father was. So my father didn't have a great role model, and it affected his relationship with me. We are more like acquaintances now that I'm grown up. It's really odd and uncomfortable for me.

ajarlson

No dad to speak of here. My grandparents raised me though, and I credit them to raising a semi functional human being in spite of being abandoned by both mom and dad, then brought back to mom almost an adult and expected to be the dutiful daughter. But it does explain why I help on so long and tried so hard to make it work. In the end she has chosen her addiction over her family and friends. And she doesn't even know it!!

ajarlson

Purpleknight - YES! Just replace dad with mom and it could be me writing that.
We can't compete with alcohol, that was my foundation in my perspective, that was my dad's love in life and I sadly didn't match up to that, but in addition to that frustration, I had to accept I couldn't change my dad, only he could do that, and he didn't want to do that, so nothing was going to change until he changed it, in a way that brought me a freedom to not feel like I wasn't doing everything I could, as there was nothing that could be done, and I clung onto that concept.

Soberpotamus

I'm sorry you had to go through some of that, ajarlson. Like you, I had some good grandparents who picked up the slack where my mom failed because of her addiction. So I can relate Thankfully, I had a pretty decent childhood because of them. My parents divorced when I was five, but my Dad visited regularly and paid child support. He did the right things, but there was just this emotional disconnect. I have a lot of anger toward my Dad now as an adult for things he didn't do. It didn't seem he was "all there" for me or that he really could give a rip. I dunno if that makes sense, but he did what was required without seeming genuine.

PurpleKnight

I know what you mean Jennie, I worry a lot now about if I ever have kids that somehow my inner learning of how to be a dad not passed on by my dad is now missing, and in many ways as I then developed my own drinking problem, it would have been a disaster had I not gotten Sober, so at least I have that on my side.

But in hindsight at school I never had what other kids had, a role model of a dad, I grew up with my mum and sister, and then had to deal with my dad's drinking as an adult, when that I'm assuming is when dads share their life experience, the only male that I remember passing on wisdom to me was my grandfather on my mum's side, but sadly he passed away when I was 10yrs old, I now have this weird respect for my grandfather in later life due those memories which my dad can never match up to.

So at school I bottled it away, got engrossed in music and eventually developed my own drink problem.

You ever hear the quote:

“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain.”

I love that!!

ajarlson

Yeah, my dad didn't do all the right things but he visited every now and then so I know what you mean about emotional disconnect. I looked him up recently (hadn't even heard from him since I was 17 and he sent me a sweet 16 bday card LOL). He is living a great life, married for 20+ years, 2 beautiful kids. I felt like the poor beggar looking into a rich family's picture window. He sent some blah blah in response to my message but I'm still friends with him on Facebook. Probably going to unfriend him soon as the pictures and stuff he posts are just hurtful.

seasaw

ajarlson - i went no contact with my mother in 8/2014. she tried to get in touch with me a few times to plead and beg and scream and hurl insults - i blocked her numbers on my phone and her emails in my *****. i don't owe her an explanation - the fact that it's not crystal clear is symptomatic of the diseases from which she suffers and will not treat. i did everything i could to help her, and i am clearly not the one who can help her think rationally about anything now.

ajarlson

That's right about the time I went no contact with my mother too. However, she has responded by calling and leaving nice voice mails, not calling drunk, only one "I'm not sure why you're not calling me" message and it wasn't overtly hostile. She's doing everything in her power to prove to me that she's NOT a drunk or an addict because the last time I was at her place I told her I wasn't going to watch her throw her life away anymore. I am pretty sure she remembers everything that led up to that, but she's acting like "What could possibly be wrong?". She never insults me (leaves that to her friends) but drinks and takes pills to excess, gets sick (pancreatitus) and falls down and hurts herself and expects me to take care of her. Sorry yours is more hostile, mine tries to use guilt. But what she doesn't know, I don't have any when it comes to her!