gingasaurus

This really hit me hard. I have always just thought there was something wrong with me. Everyone in my family tells me how badly my mother wanted a baby. How being a mom was the only thing she ever wanted. Then she had me and everything changed. Before I was out of Kindergarten she was diagnosed as bi-polar and schizophrenic, started abusing pills and alcohol and I had to move in with my grandmother.

My entire life I wondered what it was about me that was so wrong that changed her so much. My entire life I figured if I was so horrible that my own mother couldn't stand me then what good was there in me?

I spent my teenage years and early twenties trying desperately to be everything my mother wasn't. I was reliable, punctual, sober, prudish, studious, I went to college and tried so hard to forget that she even existed.

Then she died.

I ran out of people to blame then. I couldn't be mad at her, only myself. I started drinking heavily, I started wondering if I had responded to her attempts at contact if she would still be alive. Most importantly, I started looking in myself for pieces of her. I started being more outgoing and made friends everywhere I went, I started dating, tried pot for the first time, dropped out of grad school and generally let go of all those things that I had fought for for so long because if I could find some part of my mother in me, then I was still connected to her somehow. It didn't matter that all I knew of her was destructive and manipulative, it was in me somewhere and it was a part of her.

But I became broken long before that, and I need to realize it can be undone. It's not a permanent state. I am not my mother. We may share some of the same mental problems but that does not condemn me to her lifestyle.

As a child I was the adult, as an adult I feel like a child. I constantly seek affirmation and praise, I never trust my own instincts, I have a tendency to be naive, overly-trusting and loyal even when it's undeserved. I know these are side-effects of growing up with an addict and that is just something I have to deal with, be aware of, and work to fix.

DesertEyes

When I was very young I remember hiding under the bed from my drunken father every time he came home. I remember promising myself I would _never_ grow up to be like him. As a young adult I did everything I could to be the _opposite_ of him. I became over-responsible, super-dependable, always available to help others and be kind to those in need.

However, that meant I never had time for _me_. Never took care of _my_ needs, never had _balance_.

Being the opposite of my father was not the correct answer, find _balance_ was the correct answer for me.

I used to think I was the only adult in my family. I was the only one that cared that the bills got paid, that the cars were repaired, groceries purchased, laundry done. Today I realize I was not at all an "adult" when I was child, I was just the most "emotionally responsible" person in the bunch. At 10 years old I was very much a child, so where does that place my parents?

Welcome to recovery and welcome to our little corner of the web

Mike

DoubleDragons

"But I became broken long before that, and I need to realize it can be undone. It's not a permanent state. I am not my mother. We may share some of the same mental problems but that does not condemn me to her lifestyle.

As a child I was the adult, as an adult I feel like a child. I constantly seek affirmation and praise, I never trust my own instincts, I have a tendency to be naive, overly-trusting and loyal even when it's undeserved. I know these are side-effects of growing up with an addict and that is just something I have to deal with, be aware of, and work to fix. "

Ginga, the above quote really spoke to me. I have such a fear of turning into my mother. People always said we looked alike and my father has always tried to make it out like we are "best buddies." That just churns my stomach.

You are so right about being more childlike in adulthood. Is part of that wanting to give ourselves a chance to be children because we never were??

gingasaurus

I definitely think that's a part of it. In my case, in particular, I adopted a mask of happiness. I was always the happy kid, the fun one, the one that would be friends with anyone, would do anything for anyone, the class clown. When I went home I would self-mutilate, get my mother's mentally disabled sister-in-law to buy me booze, and even tried suicide a few times (and thought about it constantly). No one knew that I was a vastly different person behind my closed bedroom door.

To some extent I'm still like this today. I am the most friendly, outgoing, extroverted person I know. I always have a smile and warm words... for everyone else. My internal monologue is a completely different story. In my head I am the most abusive person to myself.

I think being childlike is just a way for me to cope with all the bitterness and anger inside my head that I refuse to let out. I try to let the tiniest things make me happy and excited so I can remember that there are things worth getting happy and excited over. It seems if I don't enjoy the little things I forget to enjoy anything.

irisgardens

I am late to this thread and 'party' but feel the need to post...I am so touched and tears coming to my eyes with these posts...I first came to realize I was an ACOA when I found something on the internet almost 11 years ago...it was after my Dad died...my mother always said he was 'perfect' until he died and I went into shock hearing her say what she said...she was so angry...and she also told me I was just like him...and although I had stood by her side for the previous 10 years of operations (he had a massive stroke and my own son, 3 months died of SIDS--but it was all about Mom's situation with Dad which I believed was perfectly fine...I did my own therapy and immediate family therapy on the side. When Dad died, she and my sister, who had been my bffs (I thought) all my life...cut me off and there was total silence. I felt hurt by it all...but when I called them...found out that all had moved on and my sister told me that I was angry and horrible (who knows maybe I was) but it was not the family relationship I invested so much into all my life--I was 45.

I have always done work on myself...grief therapy, family therapy when Paul Daniel passed, recovery work when I discovered that my 16 year old was using ecstasy and cocaine and doing raves (35 now--TYG clean and functional), then later more...don't have the energy to talk about it. I started working on my ACOA even though when I mentioned that I fit all the statements...he told me that he had nothing like that and when I mentioned (after a time of finally remembering that my parents drank from the time I was very young--offering me vodka tonics (to relax) when I was 16 as my mother found me very uptight--I did not accept the offer) and then as my 16 year old was using--I fought, I fought hard...and started to wake up to my own experiences and memories.

I have had some good spots...in the intervening 25 years since my son died...but also...a drinking husband who lived his chilean (latin american) life style while I worked--he always helped me but was usually gone on Friday and Saturday nights with guy friends...and then I stood against that...and he seemingly stopped...but more stuff went on...another daughter...this one with crystal meth and this one harbors grudges because I put her into rehab and did the most I could ... and I had to finally set some boundaries with her...she is unkind and a bully and wants everything for her benefit...even though my husband and I really sacrificed more than was healthy as well as affected her younger sister...as we took care of her and her twins while she finished college--and her younger sister...7 when that all started...22 now...started on heroin.

I have always been fairly intelligent and come up with ideas...with all that has now happened...and the adult kids decided that I was crazy (I have depression and anxiety) and I am working with a therapist again (let go of that as the financial situation all went down hill) and I hope there is hope for me again...I hope that I can do what I can to dig myself out of this hole.

Back here...but just not sure what to do except just one minute at a time...having a lot of bed days since being let go from my job in September...pretty sure I can no longer do a job at that level (professional and manager) because of stress...and I am simply lost.

Working with my doctor...doing what I have to do the best I can...unemployment, resume (had a setback last week), need to write a list to take action...although I am more of a free spirit in my natural state...but with all the crises going on for so long, I was the one who could make more money at a stressful job and now family seems to expect it...and today...i can't.

I am working with the doctor and therapist...they know how I am.

I am feeling lots of stuff and it is really unpleasant and it is hard because I thought that I had done enough work to overcome this...did 11 years of work until stopping at age 53--and now, at 60, seemingly worse than ever.

The stuff here is good...both parents high functioning alcoholics and mother a narcissist...or at least somebody who expected me to turn myself inside out (& Dad too--he was a major caretaker) when she needed me and to not be around when she was having fun...which was always...but I was her person who was there for her in the hard times...none of the other 3 siblings were there...I felt like a mother to my siblings and actually made myself go through the process of accepting them like adults...and letting go of the extreme mother-like attachment I felt...it was hard and it took a long time.

When sister and mother cut me off (prior they always talked to me about each other and I was the peacemaker, mediator...and I truly do like many people) my doctor diagnosed a trauma...and only when I needed to go live in Chile (my husband's home country) to 'start over' and the finances went to almost 0--then I just asked my HP for a miracle and got this job over skype...but continued to try to 'help' my youngest daughter...but I couldn't and I went down stress wise...and now I have hit bottom...and am bouncing along there.

I did go no contact with my mother in Chile...she told me she was disappointed in me as I was living at a subsistence level in Chile...and I think that is what got me up and going...prayed and prayed...asked for direction...and out of the blue came some job opportunities that were open to a skype interview and I was able to interview and get two job offers...and took this last one...but was let go 'this isn't working out'.

I feel hopeless...but am continuing on...the small small steps...did make enough money to have a few months to work on me...but I am so confused, my head is spinning, the anxiety is overwhelming and I just feel tired and exhausted. I keep thinking it is all my fault...but I know, because I did the work, that that is not true...but the harshness with which my FOO and now this one daughter (she had everyone with her and they had reconnected with my mother during our absence and that made it all toxic again...I may be paranoid, but believe that they all just joined together in the scapegoating)...so I set boundaries and am keeping them as best I can. There have been a few bright moments...but they are few and far between.

I am now needing to work on the insurance and the meds...before I will be able to look for a job again. I feel so weak and paralyzed and anxious...the job loss was the last straw...I sure hope that my HP will come back in for me...or that I am taking steps (I am taking steps) and the emotions are just overwhelming because I can't think, keep losing things unless I write it down...and am not able to control the clutter as well as I would like (paper)--some of the issues are from before we went to Chile...husband was supposed to handle and he hasn't. My husband is an underachiever and I am so afraid he will not go to work when he comes back...but there are jobs now.

I feel that i am supposed to do it all...but I can't...and I have told my HP that that is the case...and the situation is so hard that I am posting finally on these sites because it is one form of relief...along with my naranon group weekly (that I just started) and reading my literature...and my son came home from living with the daughter (she was negative...told me how she is tired of holding this family together for the last two years...she invited him to live...we were in Chile trying to do some construction jobs) and I stood up and told her that it was her issue...and if he wanted to come live with me...another long story...but apartment was 1/2 mine and she wouldn't let me stay there when I came home from Chile...feel as if she is my mother...think I am triggering...well, he did come home...and it has been a pleasure...it wasn't negative as she had made it sound.

Well, rambling and blabbing everywhere but just hanging on to my HP and asking for guidance and direction one step at a time...no matter what it is...that it be ordered ... and my husband took 7 months to finish the final job (although since we ran completely out of savings...he didn't take any from savings and worked with the client--looking for silver linings) instead of the two months promised...so I guess I'm here bouncing on the bottom...

I am powerless of alcohol and addiction.

DesertEyes

No worries, there are _no_ dealines or pressure in this forum. There is no such thing as "late" in this corner of recovery.

Before I reply to your post I have to say that I am amazed at the _huge_ amount of stress you are dealing with. I cannot imagine that I would be even _close_ to being as functional as you are. You are an incredibly resilient survivor.

Yeah, I've had some of my relatives do that sort of thing. It's like they have some kind of "personality dial" that they turn. They can be the _best_, most _wonderful_ friend. To the extreme in wonderfulness. And then one day there is come kind of crisis and the "dial" gets turned to a different personality. Now they are the _extreme_ of resentment and anger. Just like that, from one minute to the next.

Goodness, that must have been devastating.

Good for you. I have not, I have slacked off many times. If I had persevered the way you have I think I would be in a much better place today.

I think that addiction in a child has to be the worst nightmare any parent could experience. And you have had _so much_ of that. You must feel so overwhelmed.

Okay, I have to be honest here. I have read your post and you say you have depression and anxiety. My reaction is that how could you possibly _not_ have depression and anxiety? With all the stress you have accumulated on you I think only a _rock_ would be immune to depression and anxiety. You know, I really have to say that if _all_ you have is depression and anxiety you are doing incredibly well.

Good heavens, of course you are stressed-out and feeling lost. You have a wilderness of stress all around you.

You are _human_. All humans have a limit, nobody can go on forever. I think you have _earned_ this time to heal and recover.

It sounds to me like you _have_ overcome a huge amount of "dysfunction" from your childhood. What I see is that stuff from the _outside_ has piled up on you. I think that if you did _not_ have all that outside hardship going on you would be feeling perfectly normal and doing just fine. I know that if I had _half_ the external problems you are dealing with I would be _much_ worse than you.

I felt something similar. I felt that I was the only adult in the family, that I was the only one responsible and dependable.

Well you just keep visiting this forum and we will "bounce" along right with you. Please write all you want because that is the whole reason SoberRecovery exists, to give _you_ a place where you can "let it all out" with people who understand.

I did that too. It was _hard_. I kept "giving in" again and again. Took me a whole year to _really_ stand up for myself and stop answering the phone.

Good for you. Just from reading your post it is _way_ clear to me that _none_ of this is your fault.

Of course, that is the typical symptom of being over stressed. It's your body telling you "stop, I need a break !!"

Me too, that is one of my "ACoA symptoms". I am _over_ responsible and _over_ dependable, at the expense of my health. I went thru a huge "stress avalanche" some years ago. Not as bad as what you are dealing with, but enough to overwhelm me. I did not go into "over stress" mode like you have, instead I had a series of heart attacks. Eleven ( 11 ) over two years.

No worries. All of us here understand exactly how that rambling and blabbing goes.

Yes, we all are. What you are _not_ powerless over is your own recovery, and it seems to me that you are surviving with grace and dignity.

Please do post all you want. Ramble and blab as much as you want. We will read every word you write and let you know that we are all cheering for you.

Mike
Moderator, SR

kudzujean

I see that one of my sisters and I hooked up with weak people too, for the same reason.

Kialua

Wow that's an eye opener that deserves much though. Great insight!

Eddiebuckle

To me, acknowledging the unmanageability initially made me think I understood the step. Over time I have come to see that unmanageability was a symptom, or evidence that I continued to act as though I wasn't powerless (with predictable results).

Karlo84

Thanks for all these shares. I'd like to write that I read them all, completely, but I didn't. I did however read enough to get the point. Yeah. I'm all-in with Step 1. There is little doubt about it. I do have an issue with the term unmanageable. I certainly haven't managed very well up to this point. But I can manage my life with help. Hopefully ACoA will provide the help I need. But that's just semantics I suppose. Thanks for these posts.

seasaw

oohh I'm glad I popped in when I did - nice to see some familiar 'faces'! This is great, I would love to go through these steps with you guys.

I had to say that real quick before bed - I'll catch up tomorrow! (((SR))) Is Ajarlson in on this?

DesertEyes

This thread pretty much covers step one. What do you think if I start a brand new thread for step Two and we just take it from there?

Mike
Moderator, SR

Carpathia

Thank you, DesertEyes.

DesertEyes

Sorry for taking so long. Had a bit of a personal emergency over here in normie-land. Gimme a couple days and i will get this all set up and organized.

Mike
Moderator, SR