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Old 04-09-2014, 10:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Could it be possible.....


That the LAST person on earth I expected to be the one that helped me discover who I am would be......My ex-alcoholic boyfriend?

When I first joined SR last summer it was during a time when EVERYTHING bad seemed to happen at once. My DS (21) was in rehab, my AF (77)went into a nursing home, my codie mom (81) was hospitalized, and my XABF broke up with me. Not in that order but it all happened within 2 months time. Putting aside the addiction we seemed like a great couple, to the outside world. We kinda "meshed" from day one and in retrospect I see how and why. Him being an alcoholic and me being an ACoA. We are the exact same age, same ultra religious background, grew up in the same small town and actually had a high school fling for like a week. As far as we were both concerned, we were PERFECT for each other and what took so long (25 years) for us to reconnect?! I discovered early enough that he was an alkie with major emotional issues and he discoverd early enough that I was a hot mess as well but we kept on holding on, for dear life for that matter! Ingnorance is bliss, isnt it? We finally broke up with NC for about 5 months and during that time I came to SR and read all the stories, bought books, went to therapy, went to meetings, etc and as far as was concerned, i was closer than ever to figuring out this whole mess. I owned my part in the break up and I stopped blamming him. Still something was missing.

When we reconnected and put lots of things on the table, the one big question he asked me was "Why do you lie?" What he was refering to was a lie I told about my past relationships. That lie was the reason, the MAIN reason behind our breakup. It was more of an omission, but hell, im not going to start splitting hairs now. I lie is a lie is a lie! He has not been able to get past it and as far as he is concerned, im a liar and cant be trusted. And guess what, I get it and I own it 100%! I dont blame him or resent him at all for not being able to truly forgive me, those are his feelings and his right. It would have been easier to tell the truth. Sound familiar? Well I didnt really have an answer except that I was ashamed of that shady relationship and much have rather buried it for ever!

HIM of all people, calling ME on my BS. I'm not the alcoholic, Im the one that has it together, Working, going to Nursing School, taking care him and the rest of my family. Then more I thought about it, the more I asked myself, could he be on to something? The more and more I read, the more I see what the affects of being raised in a dysfunctional home did to my present life and it hit me like a ton of bricks! Oh the DENIAL!! I was horrifed at lies I told, not just other but to MYSELF!

The one thing I want to say is thank you to him, for being the first person to care enough to say "hey, WTF is wrong with you?" Even though he has lots of work to do. Which is ironic because It was me that offered to send him some literature about addiction while he is currently in Rehab. We hurt each other terribly and both of us have tons of healing to do and while I still love him very much, Im trying to stay on my side of the street. Its baby steps because I still struggle with control issues. I accept them as my issues. Im very greatful and its quite liberating to finally have a better insight to who I am! It may have taken me longer than I would have wished but, IM HERE NOW!
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Old 04-09-2014, 01:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Thanks for sharing this, it shows great insight into the way we are, so genuinely identify with you. Lying when it is easier, or just as easy to tell the truth, I very much identify with, and it can be hard at times with this habit (or by now virtually default setting) to find what the truth is in a situation, particularly an emotionally charged one. I have found that when I bite too quickly, and agree with the version being put in front of me, I can sometimes live to regret it. What I need to do in highly charged situations, is leave space for myself to think about what someone has said, and ponder it for validity. There is anyway always the opportunity to do this.

So, there's a however coming here, did you see it?! I don't think you're accountable to your boyfriend in 'owning up' about every facet of your past. Your past, unless it has a direct bearing on your ability to be present in the relationship emotionally, physically, spiritually if that counts for you, has nothing to do with him, and is for you to share and reveal as trust develops, and intimacy grows. It's none of his business, although he can of course ask, you under on obligation to tell anyone absolutely everything. Wanting someone to reveal facts or history about themselves when they are patently not ready to do so, or are perhaps clearly uncomfortable, can be a form of manipulation, and can also be used later on, either way (y'know the spiel...anything you say can later be used in evidence against you...blah blah to project discomfort or unease. These are also the situations where 'omission' happens. Is that dishonesty then? Or is it a legitimate response to feeling uncomfortable about what we are being asked, because we intuitively know the question is a spiked one?

These are of course only my opinions, based on my experience. But the kind of questions that try and hit the jackpot of discomfort is key in relationships that are less than healthy. I'm not saying yours was, but only that latching onto this now seems to me to be convenient, and to be honest, not entirely frank, and lacking integrity on his part. You are absolutely right of course that his feelings are as they are, but it doesn't necessarily have to be that you agree with them. Part of the deal is we get to decide for ourselves what is true or not for us, even if that means disagreeing with someone, and (yikes!) standing up for ourselves. None of that has to involve pointing the finger either.

So, love too that you mention your side of the street (now I've written an entire post taking your ex's inventory!) but your post prompted a 'hang on, note of caution' in me. By no means makes me right though! As you say, clearing our side really is all we can do, and it sounds like you're making great progress, but do remember it is your 50%....no more, no less.

Wish you well
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Old 04-10-2014, 07:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Your past, unless it has a direct bearing on your ability to be present in the relationship emotionally, physically, spiritually if that counts for you, has nothing to do with him, and is for you to share and reveal as trust develops, and intimacy grows.
And there you have it! My dysfunctional past being raised in a home with an Alcoholic father had a direct affect on all my relationships. I was brought up in a "EVERYTHING IS FINE" world... LIES! Lying is the foundation of an alcoholic household. I didnt ever realize this until very recently. Why did I lie?
Because I wanted to avoid confrontation, and not let him see the real me, the me with flaws. Low self esteem...there is another one I didnt know I suffered from, because I thought I had it all together...WOW, when I finally figured it out, it wasnt so pretty. I feel very blessed to have been able to have the courage to start to make postitive changes. And to be honest, I really dont know if i would have had somebody not ask me "Why did you lie?" Hmmmmm, why did I? I didnt have to so let me look into this further....
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Old 04-10-2014, 02:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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This is typical for ACOAs. I have the same problem with lying and have posted about it here and in my blog here http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...9051-lies.html Many others have written about his too. It is a survival skill that has become ingrained and no longer serves us. Identifying it can really help.
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Old 04-10-2014, 03:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Oops, that was the wrong link, this is the right one about MY lying
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...dont-have.html

The previous post is about my parents lying.
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Old 04-10-2014, 09:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
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This is typical for ACOAs. I have the same problem with lying and have posted about it here and in my blog here http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...9051-lies.html Many others have written about his too. It is a survival skill that has become ingrained and no longer serves us. Identifying it can really help.
yes Kialua, thank you, i did read your blog earlier this week!
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Old 04-11-2014, 08:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thanks! Before coming to this forum, I had never written down the traumas of my childhood. I thought it would be too hard, but it has been a great tool and has really helped me heal. I hope you find a lot of comfort here too. Welcome aboard!
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Old 04-11-2014, 05:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks! Before coming to this forum, I had never written down the traumas of my childhood. I thought it would be too hard, but it has been a great tool and has really helped me heal. I hope you find a lot of comfort here too. Welcome aboard!
Strange thing is I didn't ever know I had all this in me!! Im so grateful!
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Old 04-11-2014, 07:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Strange thing is I didn't ever know I had all this in me!! Im so grateful!
Yeah it's buried deep, and will come out when you least want it to. It's so nice to have a place like this to explore it without any detrimental ramifications.
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Old 04-11-2014, 07:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Yeah it's buried deep, and will come out when you least want it to. It's so nice to have a place like this to explore it without any detrimental ramifications.
Yes, except for the occasional one that i somehow offend with my own thoughts and feelings....TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND LEAVE THE REST!
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Old 04-12-2014, 06:41 AM   #11 (permalink)
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JACrazz,

Around year 16 of my marriage we decided to file all of our long distance correspondence chronologically. So there is at least a paper box of it. Email was still intranet when we got together! Well I found the process sickening bc I could see by my H's handwriting that when he opened up he had probably been drinking. I could see I was hooking him and lying by omission. I could see this perfect relationship was not so perfect. THEN RAH started accusing me of sleeping with several males way back when we first started dating and we had not made a monogamous commitment yet. I was blindsided and could not figure out why my past which is pretty darn past was all of a sudden a huge argument. So I took the line - this is none of your business especially when I am committed marital partner here every day. But he just got more and more worked up claiming I was lying. I was flustered. We had several HUGE blow outs witnessed by DS. So fun to be called up by the Spanish Inquisition in front off your child.

When my future H came into my life, he was vague about our possible relationship so I was vague too! We were living in different states. I had a vague Guy that we had demoted our monogamous relationship to FWB. Though that term was not really around then. We both knew we were not marriage material as when we fought - we went for each other's throats. Although now I see at least I could express anger with him! I had an interested guy who I did not sleep with. I had a guy that had broken up with his forever GF that we messed around a bit but went back to just being friends. We never had sex. THEN I had another friend I felt sorry for so I had sex with him basically just to show him how. Lord how arrogant was that and I did it sober too! It took me awhile to clean these fellows out of my life. I was a Codie with boundary issues. I was a liberal woman with 5 guys on the line... It was a wall to make sure I did not fall in love and get abandoned again. However, when my future H and I did commit, I did it. I also moved which probably saved my butt from all these guys drinking at a pub and talking about me!

So 16 years later I could not remember how or exactly when I stopped all of the relationships. But I vaguely remembered an argument with future H and I had had then reflecting that he meant the most to me and started cleaning out my life... He wanted me to figure it out with dates! I adamantly refused and eventually he moved on to some other issue. To this day I have not completely figured it out! But heck yeah it took me a bit to wrangle. I was 22-23. I definitely lied by omission. But that sleeping dog(s) are sleeping! I imagine all of these fellows are just fine and I do not FB stalk them. I did not love them!

You know what I think now - RAH probably had a few women I don't know about. He poured some of his guilt down my gullet.

So let sleeping dogs lie. Ha ha!
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Old 04-12-2014, 07:26 AM   #12 (permalink)
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JACrazz,

Around year 16 of my marriage we decided to file all of our long distance correspondence chronologically. So there is at least a paper box of it. Email was still intranet when we got together! Well I found the process sickening bc I could see by my H's handwriting that when he opened up he had probably been drinking. I could see I was hooking him and lying by omission. I could see this perfect relationship was not so perfect. THEN RAH started accusing me of sleeping with several males way back when we first started dating and we had not made a monogamous commitment yet. I was blindsided and could not figure out why my past which is pretty darn past was all of a sudden a huge argument. So I took the line - this is none of your business especially when I am committed marital partner here every day. But he just got more and more worked up claiming I was lying. I was flustered. We had several HUGE blow outs witnessed by DS. So fun to be called up by the Spanish Inquisition in front off your child.

When my future H came into my life, he was vague about our possible relationship so I was vague too! We were living in different states. I had a vague Guy that we had demoted our monogamous relationship to FWB. Though that term was not really around then. We both knew we were not marriage material as when we fought - we went for each other's throats. Although now I see at least I could express anger with him! I had an interested guy who I did not sleep with. I had a guy that had broken up with his forever GF that we messed around a bit but went back to just being friends. We never had sex. THEN I had another friend I felt sorry for so I had sex with him basically just to show him how. Lord how arrogant was that and I did it sober too! It took me awhile to clean these fellows out of my life. I was a Codie with boundary issues. I was a liberal woman with 5 guys on the line... It was a wall to make sure I did not fall in love and get abandoned again. However, when my future H and I did commit, I did it. I also moved which probably saved my butt from all these guys drinking at a pub and talking about me!

So 16 years later I could not remember how or exactly when I stopped all of the relationships. But I vaguely remembered an argument with future H and I had had then reflecting that he meant the most to me and started cleaning out my life... He wanted me to figure it out with dates! I adamantly refused and eventually he moved on to some other issue. To this day I have not completely figured it out! But heck yeah it took me a bit to wrangle. I was 22-23. I definitely lied by omission. But that sleeping dog(s) are sleeping! I imagine all of these fellows are just fine and I do not FB stalk them. I did not love them!

You know what I think now - RAH probably had a few women I don't know about. He poured some of his guilt down my gullet.

So let sleeping dogs lie. Ha ha!
Thank you for sharing.....Gave me the chills....its like I'm reading about my relationship now with my ex, although we are not currently communicating.....I exploded into a huge argument over the phone which ended with him hanging up on me, which was the best thing to do at that point. He is in rehab and the last thing he needed was that and I truly feel awful. We are both experts in going for the jugular with each other. He isn't the only one in recovery, I am too. Its time for me to start to "man-up" and take ownership of my feelings so i can be a better me! Thanks again!
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:23 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Yes, except for the occasional one that i somehow offend with my own thoughts and feelings...
No worries That is why we have Moderators and Greeters and many other peeps behind the scenes. We clean up any accidental mess caused by those obnoxious ACoA emotions that get out of control now and then.

It does help a great deal that we have a collection of peeps in this forum that are quite wise and dedicated to recovery. That is the main reason SR has become such a haven on the web. It's you members that make it a welcoming shelter. Us volunteers just keep the lights on and the trash out.

Mike
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