Are my issues related to being an ACOA?
 

My father was an alcoholic. I am the youngest of three. I was his favorite. We were very close. When he would drink, which was every day as far as I can remember, he was very cruel, mostly to my mother and my older brother. I honestly don't remember a lot of my childhood. I have a read a little bit about ACOA's and I do identify with most of it. I have never felt "normal" or that I "fit in." I have always been a loner, despite being married twice to musicians and in the public eye. I don't trust anyone. I expect people to hurt me, abandon me, not like me, etc. I can remember as far back as in my early teens (I'm in my 40's now) just feeling sad most of the time, like I didn't matter. I still feel that way sometimes. I feel invisible. I stay in the background because I don't want any attention on me. I have an awful time making friends and the friends I make - I convince myself that they don't really like me, so I usually stop contacting them. I really want to get to the root of why I've always been this way so I stop making such bad decisions. I am currently married to an alcoholic and am pretty sure I'm going to leave him. I want to focus on how I got this way for now though. I'm just wondering if this is the way the rest of you feel, or if I need to explore other things.

Hey emmy -- welcome to SR.

I can relate to all of those feelings .... in fact, it's pretty much how I felt for most of my life.

For me, I had to quit focusing on the why and focus on how to get better. I found myself overanalyzing the why and never looking at the solution. I think maybe it was a safe place for me because I didn't really have to do anything except think. I told myself "As soon as I figure out the why, I can get better".

It was wearing me out. And for me, I think it was just an excuse.

I'm not sure if that's the case for you and I'm sure some other folks will be around to reply that can offer some good experience, strength, and hope.

Thank you. I want to focus on how to get better. I just wanted to see if my issues were related to ACOA. It's not something I have ever talked about. My dad passed away in July and I've been a mess. I really feel like it's time to heal and let all of the bad feelings go. I'm just not sure how to.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with looking for the why. It just wasn't helpful for me .... as I worked on getting better (I went to a therapist several times a week) things became more clear to me and I understood better, the why.

Hi Emmy. We have a lot in common. I found that when I stopped trying to change my past and accepted the reality of how I was raised, I could begin to heal. In my case, healing meant learning to love, respect, and most of all accept myself for exactly who I am.

I had the help of a therapist in navigating that journey and it made all the difference.

Hi Emmy....it's funny how I was talking to my XABF just a few days ago who is currently in rehab and I was telling him how I was sending him a care package with lots of great recovery articles....as I was sorting through the mounds of stuff, printing, re-reading and highlighting some key points, I was triggered by what I was reading and although I had read before on being a ACoA, it hit me like a ton of bricks! It was like an epiphany! Amazing how all along, I thought people didnt get me when the truth is, I DIDNT EVEN GET ME! I feel like I can finally start to heal. When the denial lifted, I was horrified and the way I treated my own self, the lies, the "I'm fine" "you need help",
"Get it together" I used to tell my A's when the truth is I'm the one that is not fine, I need help and I need to get it together....now it's more like "where do I start?" I know, be kind and gentle to me....um, never done that so I need some guidance in that department! You aren't alone my friend! :grouphug:

It's so refreshing to know that I'm not the only who feels/thinks the way I do. Now that I know why, I can start to heal myself. I ordered a book - can't remember the title, but it was highly recommended on one of these boards. I actually felt hopeful for the first time in quite awhile yesterday that I am going to be okay. I am going to really try to focus on me, which I have never done before. I have always put my needs, dreams, etc. aside for someone else's. Like you said, jacrazz, I need guidance in that department too. Hugh Hefner said "Life is too short to live someone else's dream." I have always loved that saying, but have never had the guts to live it. I can't afford a therapist, so I'm hoping books and these boards can help me at least start to recover.

I've always tried to care for the inner child. Children need to be healthy, learn to play nicely with others, self sooth, and postpone reward. When your childhood was not healthy, you got less of these things. Over-analyzing things is a learned behavior that children don't do.

I have a hard time with this because most behaviors exist for a reason. I have been able to navigate some unlikely situations because I am vigilant, and push my personal best. Its kind of stupid because healthy people understand reasonable effort.

Physical exercise is my most rewarding therapy because it give me a sense of being reasonable and repeatedly floods the body with right-sized endorphins, cannibinoids, opiates and hormones. People, mice and dogs actually have brain chemistry that rewards exercise.

I think knowing the why can be helpful. I also agree that sometimes seeking the why turns into chasing butterflies instead of solving the problem.

I found a great deal of help here at these boards and through an in real life al-anon group. Books, too. Of course, I've been reading books and trying to overcome many of those feelings you talked about since I was in high school. But I do feel it's all helped a lot.

And yes, I can relate to much of what you say.

I look at my younger sister, who I'd say is the favorite to my parents (I'm most definitely the 'scapegoat') and I've often thought she's really not any happier for it. She desperately wanted the close, beautiful sister relationships in all the movies and books, and she may never get that with me--because of the way my parents taught her to view me.

So here she is, late 30s, still thinking if I would just quit being so obstinate and listen and shape up, then she and I could be friends. She completely misses the condescending nature of how she's been taught to view me, and the way she's been taught that she can and should correct me and set me straight at every turn, and why that just might not be a good way to build a relationship with your sister!

So we're stuck. There's no relationship to be had with someone who behaves as she does, and she can't see her own behavior for what it is, because she's swimming in the waters of family alcoholism. So yes, she's the favorite. She's showered with love and affection and approval from her parents, but she's still not really happy, I'm guessing.

Both my younger sisters were on anti-depressants for years (they may still be). My mother was on a big kick for years about how nothing causes it, and I've often thought that at least in their case, yeah, something is causing it--the screwed up system in which they live. But it's easier for my mom to get them pills and proclaim depression an illness nobody had any control over, than to look at the abuse and ugliness and her own co-dependency that would cause her daughters to have depression.

I am lucky that my brother, sister and I are very close. I was my dad's favorite, but I didn't get special treatment. I think he just got along with me the best because I never questioned him or talked back. I idolized him. I used to get so mad at my mom because she yelled at him all the time. She was the enemy. To me, Dad was fun (most of the time) and she was just mean. After I grew up, I felt so bad for everything she went through just trying to take care of her family. She and I became very close when I was in my 20's and we still are. My brother and sister are both quite a few years older than me (I'm pretty sure I was a "surprise" - lol). They would argue with dad and were both very rebellious. I was the exact opposite. I never wanted to rock the boat, so I stayed as invisible as I could most of the time. I have found that I still do that. I have put everything in my life to the side for an alcoholic. First, my father, then my first husband, now my current husband. My brother and sister are not like that and I applaud both of them. Neither has ever gotten married and I'm sure it's due to our childhood. I have basically married my father. Twice.

If I had any doubts my mother explained when I was 12, she never liked me because my father beat my older sister until she could not walk when I was born. Then she left me with a relative because, I did not fit in with the rest of the family. I know now she is bipolar, anti-social and a dangerous person. It was very hard for me to understand that as a child, especially when no one was explaining that to me. I don't think we ever escape our childhood or who we are.

I had a long road of understanding the difference between, a problem and a crisis. I studied family history trying to piece together the dynamics. I think it helped me detach and see my parents problems as part of a process. I read a lot too. I learned to use my personality effectively and not to compare myself to others.

I talk to my mother frequently. She lives 2000 miles from me. It still unnerves me when she does something weird to hurt me or someone else. I feel it has helped my sister/me a lot, to have someone to talk to who was actually there. It wasn't something I could do when I was younger. I thought I would never feel better. That's probably the important thing to focus on. You can change you relationship and family status as an adult, if that is what you want. I think a lot of people feel better about being in control, but its not a goal.

I have basically married my father. Twice.

LOL Emmy. I did almost the same thing- didn't marry the second "daddy clone", but lived together for five years and had a son.
I'm fortunate that my individual therapy is covered by the VA, but I also go to Alanon, which is really helping me work through the issues that have led me to repeat these unhealthy patterns in my adult life.
It's a free resource, and might be worth checking out. There are lots of different meetings. You might try a couple before you find one that's right for you. My first meeting wasn't good fit, but with the second one I found my home group and have been active in the program since last October.
Take care. The first step is awareness, and you've got that covered. Keep up the good work. Great post.

Thank you. I have thought of going to an Al-Anon meeting to check it out, but I haven't worked up the courage yet. I don't do well in groups of people I don't know. I tend to want to escape as fast as I can. lol. I am reading a book that is recommended by Al-anon right now, so it's a start. I really do want to heal and learn how to take care of myself instead of always taking care of someone else. I have caught myself before saying/doing something enabling to my husband or giving up something I want to do because he doesn't want to. Baby steps. I'm hoping to have the courage to go to a meeting at some point, but I'm not there yet. I'm proud of myself for having the nerve just to post on this board. lol. Like I said, baby steps. :)

It took me ages to work up the courage to go to a live meeting- I tend to be the same way. Shy in groups of strangers. Then my first meeting was not a good fit. It was at a rehab, held concurrently with an AA/NA meeting. So lots of the people there had a loved one in the rehab- definitely not something I could relate to, LOL. Plus they were kind of pushy about buying the books, etc., which was off-putting because at the time I was flat broke. But I got over my disappointment and worked up the courage to go to another one. It was the only daytime meeting on the schedule, which has worked out great for me since I work evenings, and I got such a wonderful, warm welcome. Those ladies are the greatest. It was worth conquering my fear.
The readings are really good too. Recovery at your own pace. Glad to see you're posting and working on you. Take care!

Hi Emmy

I was fearful of the prospect of attending a group - in the first instance for me it happened to be AA as I broke my pledge not to be like my folks and became an alcoholic - once I walked into the various rooms I've been in, I found that I identified with those in the group (AA, Al anon and ACA).

The feeling of being like others and that I was (in fact) normal or at least not wholly abnormal - the identification if you will - was such a relief that I quickly overcame my fear.

I wouldn't go as far to say that I felt immediately 'at home' (as such), but seeing people who had recovered, or had some recovery gave me hope and it is from them that I was able to able to take my baby steps into recovery.... I'm very glad I did.

All the best

Mark

Keep in mind that it's perfectly acceptable to go to a meeting, sit down and listen to the whole thing without saying a word, then just slip out the door after they close -- I do it all the time, and I've been going to Al-Anon since 1995! No one will ask you anything (except, usually, your first name -- and you can make one up if you want!), and there is no expectation that you'll say anything at all unless you want to.

And if you do say anything, the likely reaction is that heads will start nodding all around the room, because there will be other people who have gone through what you describe -- "It's not exactly the same song, but it has a lot of the same notes," as we say in my household!

T

Hi Emmy. I could have written your post. My family is dysfunctional not As. I just recently saw the Laundry List and I was like, OH!

I am your background girl getting things done. Miss Invisible. My RAH and me have a running joke that he married the "wrong daughter."

I've done a lot of things right but my Step 4 has been very enlightening thus far. I am also seeing a therapist. I'm not sure I will ever be exactly normal, but I get along...

hi emmy - so relate to your feelings here, and this thread has been really important for me to read. we are not alone, that means a lot to me. i had a different role in my alcoholic family but i also was my dad's favorite. lost him a long time ago and was devastated for years. he was alcoholic and my mother had mental illness. eight kids, total chaos…..

i started drinking as a teen and now know a lot of the reason for the years of alcoholic drinking by me was to numb the pain. my recovery journey actually first began with acoa but i didn't stay with it as i wasn't done drinking. next part of my recovery journey was getting sober. have happily been recovering from my alcoholism for many years. then comes my son's addiction and i start the next part in my recovery which is from my codependency which i have found has it's roots in my first dilemma acoa! so at this point i have come full circle and the recovery work now seems to be all inclusive and hopefully will have even deeper results.

all of the recovery work over the years has made for a journey worth taking. each step brings me closer to the person i believe i was always meant to be. it is this latest codie work which is really making a difference. this is the first i have ever heard the concept of 'self care' and the fact that it was so foreign to me showed me how deep rooted my warped concept of self was. understanding that some of my wrong thinking about myself and how i interact with the world comes from the reality of my early childhood has been the catalyst for finding solutions now.

i don't spend a lot of time back there, i have accepted it was what it was. i am close with my siblings and was very close to both my parents before they passed. but i have had to release repressed thoughts and feelings so i can look at them. and i love the baby steps you are doing. that's how i'm doing this too, baby steps. probably the best way. and i think it may be more that we are building a solid foundation for our strong recovery.

did not mean to ramble! so much food for thought in this thread….. i actually chose this part of your post to quote because i have always had a hard time with friendship. i like people, they like me yet i always back away and that is beginning to change. i too am doing a lot of reading on sr and books. and have found a great therapist. but most importantly, for me, i started alanon meetings just a couple of months ago and have really shocked myself with how open i have become with people there.

i have exchanged numbers with 3 different people and it feels good! this may not seem like a big deal but in all the years i've done aa meetings this is not something i have done. and i am also not feeling any of the old anxiety about it or the oh what ifs and talk myself out of making friends. as others have said trying a few different ones to find a fit is good. i actually have three different ones that i really like. it is the safest most welcoming place i have ever been. the understanding and acceptance and just plain goodness i have encountered is overwhelming. in a really good way.

however you move forward emmy know you are moving in the right direction. i already feel so much better with myself and the joy is coming back. and i gotta tell ya, being nice to myself is a blast! sending good thoughts your way!!!

Thank you all, I hadn't had a chance to get on here again until today. I am reading "From Survival to Recovery", which is an Al-Anon book right now and wow, I can't believe how familiar it all is. I would like to eventually attend a meeting, that's the goal anyway. I really want to stay committed to this and learn how to help myself and do things for me instead of just trying to make everyone else happy. It's so ironic, I had chinese the other night and my fortune was "Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else." I'm not sure who I am yet, but I'm hoping to find out. I am also taking steps to stop enabling my alcoholic husband. He is also an ACOA, but is not receptive to learning more about it. I am hoping he takes an interest in it and hopefully sobriety as well, but that's his decision, not mine. See, I'm already learning. lol. :)

I cannot add too much to the wise words posted here. I been going to Alanon since 2008 and it has been essential to my progress. One tip - if you find a meeting to be not to your liking, check out another one. Each meeting has a different vibe/atmosphere. I find the ones that are in the same building as a concurrent AA meeting to be the best (not sure why, except AA meetings always have coffee that they are generous in sharing).
In my case, the meetings (and talking with a sponsor), helped me uncover PTSD from my childhood (related to several surgeries, not abuse). Alanon is still my essential recovery tool, and massage and visualization therapy are helping with the PTSD.
You are on the right track. And stick with this forum. You may notice that 'cross-talk' (directly commenting on others' sharings) is strongly discouraged in Alanon, but is welcome at SR. They are different tools, with different rules, but both are very helpful.
And I must say that PaperDolls described my particular bad habit very well: