anybody else shudder at the thought of...
 

...multi-generational living?

I read about how it's so normal in other cultures, and was in times past here, too. On a forum I frequent, they're discussing the likelihood of it coming back into vogue.

From a very young age, I have been so grateful it's not the expected, accepted, or norm here and now. I have often, on reading these things, thought what an incredibly nightmare it would be to have to live with my parents, with my children, being a responsible, hard-working adult, and still having my parents berate me, find fault, and correct and chastise at every turn. I would have either become completely suicidal, and totally self-loathing, or I might have turned into a very aggressive b*tch and finally gotten in their faces about their behavior, without the option of just walking away from it.

I've often wondered about those in times past or in other cultures who have dysfunctional parents and are caught living with those destructive parents throughout their adulthood.

What's sad is, I imagine multi-generational living could be a wonderful thing, with a loving family. But for me, it would have been horrible.

Seems to be the sign of the times due to economics. hmmmm Not for everyone.

eeesh, not with _my_ parents. No way. Forget "multi generational", it would be "multi dysfunctional".

When my father was out of work he wanted to move in with me. I was in L.A. at the time and he was back in Chicago. I told him right out that if I ever found out he was in the same _state_ as my children I would call his parole office so fast it would make his head spin.

I would never have an abuser anywhere near my kids, that's a hard boundary with me.

Mike :)
* yeah, just the _thought_ of it has got me going *

NEVER happened in my family of origin. Wasn't allowed by my parents and wasn't desired by the us kids.

Maybe for other people that are not consumed with alcoholism it might work. But it just isn't the culture we grew up with.

Likewise I would let an abuser near my kids as well.

I am in the older generation category, and living with my adult children would be the best way to destroy our good relationships. I've seen it done with mainly Italian families around here but they often have a separate apartment for the elder, or adult child so they're not sharing kitchens, bathrooms or living areas. That could work.
What I would like would be to live down the street from them, or around the block, so I could help with babysitting. One rule I have now, is I never visit without calling and checking it's ok.

The words "Just Effing Shoot Me" come to mind.

:smashfrea:camper:

not without recovery, I think for those affected by alcoholism or other dysfunctions a lot of healing is needed. I know of friends who have those alien loving and nurturing, let each other be as they are, kind of families but not I....I am grateful my extended family lives on the other side of the world.Sometimes I miss them but when I see communities of "families" using the word love when they really mean, obey me or I will cut off and manipulate you it makes me feel sick and GLAD I am spared that crap.

Love is not guilting your kids or paying back squat. Kids don't owe anything -

LOL, yeah, me, too. In all seriousness, I struggled with suicidal thoughts during high school. AMAZINGLY....(or not so much) they went away when I left for college. When I used to drive across country to bring the kids to visit their grandparents, I had times I would literally feel that black cloud of suicidal depression drop back within TEN MINUTES of arriving.

This was a strong thought of mine just yesterday, due to some other circumstances in my life--the realization of how very much my father's 'generosity' was really puppet strings, how when I wouldn't continue being the target of bad behavior, I was told in no uncertain terms that I would come to visit before 6 pm New Year's Eve or I would forfeit my (quite hefty) Christmas check.

In retrospect, it's become sad, funny in some respects, and even pathetic. I've found I can earn my living and manage my money quite well on my own. I may just end up doing better than my father in life (who obviously did well enough to leverage money against us.) And this is where the pity comes in: that's all he knew, as far as having a relationship with his own children, to try to control and threaten, to try to convince us we couldn't handle life without his help. So now he has his money. In the end, my siblings will get a little more because I have no doubt already been cut out of the will (wait, he's more powerful than God, he's never going to die, so he hasn't written a will....oh well.) But there they are with their money. I don't think they're happy.

That probably wandered off into a tangent, but there are my thoughts on the matter.

I think some people, who've never experienced multi-generational living themselves, think of it in an idealized way, like the Waltons.

When she was alive, my FOO lived with my paternal grandmother, and it was NOT like the Waltons.

In some cases, where you don't have any active alcoholics, BPD's, control freaks, etc., it might be OK. (But how many cases like that do you know of?)

I know I moved back with mom for numerous reasons, and good ones but MY alcoholism got in the way of giving. Also, the generational gap was there which cowabunga, really through a bomb into the situation.

I've done it. Grandmother, AM, me, my two kids. I moved home a couple of times. I stayed because someone had to be there for my aging grandmother. She would have died had I not been there the night she went into diabetic shock. AM was too wasted to even put together a coherent thought when I told her an ambulance was coming. I finally had to put my life and my children's lives first and got the hell out of there. Grandmother just recently left AM's home, and took the bill money with her. I left three years ago. It was a slow process for her. Anyway, you couldn't pay me to go back. My kids have issues relating tp how they were treated by my mother and grandmother. Lots of therapy and peer groups for all of us.

This. Exclamation point.

My AM moved out Tuesday, after living with my husband and I for eleven months. We'll be cleaning for a month. And painting, and fixing walls, and replacing carpet.

Never. EVER. Again.

Granted, letting an alcoholic parent stay with you while they "get help" (ha ha) is different than having a functioning, I-fell-on-hard-times non-alcoholic stay with you while they find a new job.

#Excellent!

T

I could have lived with paternal grandfather. I could live with my father and MIL. But not my mom or paternal grandmother or maternal grandparents.

Money is loaded with expectations in my family too.

My parents are 81 & 77 and live with me. My father was/is an Alcoholic. My mom buried her head in the sand and chose to deal with the hell of living with a drunk. They are STILL together after 45 Years. I'm an only child and a text-book ACoA. I have forgiven, accepted and moved on. I could have kept myself trapped in those terrible emotions but I chose to mourn the loss of my childhood. I cried, raged, accepted the situation for what it was, and still is. I love my parents and I choose to take care of them in thier "Golden" years.