Asked AM to move out
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Join Date: May 2013
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Asked AM to move out
AM didn't get the attention she wanted yesterday when she waited until my husband was out running errands to barge into my bedroom to interrupt my please-make-my-migraine-go-away nap- so I received a slew of messages- which I ignored.
At the end of her tantrum (late last night), I received this little gem in my inbox:
"I know that you hate me but just know that I still Love You and I always will!"
And for whatever reason- this is the one that tore my heart out. I'm done.
I told her that I don't hate her, but I will not do this anymore. I told her I need her to be out by April 1st- 30 days from today. And, finally, I told her that I cannot have a relationship with her unless/until she decides to address her relationship with alcohol.
Probably not the most eloquently worded, but simple, to the point, and not nearly as mean as the things that go through my head when she sends me nasty grams.
..And now I'm waiting for the house to explode.
At the end of her tantrum (late last night), I received this little gem in my inbox:
"I know that you hate me but just know that I still Love You and I always will!"
And for whatever reason- this is the one that tore my heart out. I'm done.
I told her that I don't hate her, but I will not do this anymore. I told her I need her to be out by April 1st- 30 days from today. And, finally, I told her that I cannot have a relationship with her unless/until she decides to address her relationship with alcohol.
Probably not the most eloquently worded, but simple, to the point, and not nearly as mean as the things that go through my head when she sends me nasty grams.
..And now I'm waiting for the house to explode.
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Join Date: May 2013
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It's awful. I feel so guilty.. It's freezing here, she has a dog, and who knows what she's going to do. My best guess is she'll try to stay with her enabler sister. I hate the idea of her sinking worse or feeling hurt but I can't do it anymore. I honestly don't think she'd care if the roles were reversed and it were me living off her for (going on) 11 months. And I can't quit crying because finally asking her to leave makes everything feel that much more real.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Well it's still a month from now, who knows what will happen before that. See if she makes any plans. Might have several more fights. I hope she finds somewhere, you need your life now. But that doesn't mean you have to hate her and be done. It's such a tightrope to walk until emotional detachment can kick in.
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I actually feel better this morning- albeit a little tired and puffy eyes. Thank you for replying; I'm sorry I didn't say that last night- it really did help to read friendly words. This, believe it or not, wasn't a rash decision- it's something I've been wanting to do for a long time.. Just haven't had the courage(?) to out of fear of how she'd react. There was actually about a 24 hour waiting period in between her sending her email and me telling her what I did- mostly because I knew I needed to be calm when I said it... And I definitely wasn't calm when she sent that. She needs to go... I guess I just wasn't prepared for what the decision would do to me. She's my mom. I love her. But she's not "a mom", either, if that makes sense. And the things she's done definitely make me feel like I'm walking that tight rope between love and hate.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Try reading up on emotionally detaching. It's the nether world between love and hate that protected my psyche. Just a survival skill. You don't deserve to feel guilty about a thing, that is the training that has to be retrained.
It won't be easy and she will continue to create one crisis after another that will tug at your heart. Having a plan now how you will encounter those crisis will alleviate the panic and chaos.
It won't be easy and she will continue to create one crisis after another that will tug at your heart. Having a plan now how you will encounter those crisis will alleviate the panic and chaos.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Zoelu,
I am very sorry that it has come to this and that your heart is hurting. I have not ever been in your situation but did have an abusive alcoholic father. I did have to set him straight when he bruised my Mom once. After that, he had a new found respect for me and things actually improved between us. I hope you and your Mom can find some way to continue with a more healthy relationship in the future.
Peace to you.
I am very sorry that it has come to this and that your heart is hurting. I have not ever been in your situation but did have an abusive alcoholic father. I did have to set him straight when he bruised my Mom once. After that, he had a new found respect for me and things actually improved between us. I hope you and your Mom can find some way to continue with a more healthy relationship in the future.
Peace to you.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You're right about the roles being reversed. My AM would be cruel as could be to me, but switch the roles and my doing the same to her would be totally unacceptable. You are doing the right thing for yoir well being, though I know it hurts right now. Time, distance, and true understanding of the alcoholic cycle will help relieve the guilt and give you strength to hold your own. I'm almost two years out from finally cutting the cord with my AM, and there's no longer guilt or shame in my mind about it. I have recognized that she birthed me, but she hasn't been a mother in any real sense of the word. Accepting that has been huge in my recovery. I hope you are able to find some peace in all of this soon.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi zoelu, reading back on your threads, it's been coming for a long time, and had to be done given her behaviour and alcoholism, just to keep you sane.
It'll probably be a rough month; vent here as much as you like.
I'd come and help you clean out the basement but unfortunately it's 12,000km away. But so is everywhere.
It'll probably be a rough month; vent here as much as you like.
I'd come and help you clean out the basement but unfortunately it's 12,000km away. But so is everywhere.
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Join Date: May 2013
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NWGRITS, I'm actually finding some peace now. Not as much as I hope to when she leaves, but at least a little with myself just because I finally told her I'm done.
FeelingGreat, that is adorable and made me smile really big! I'm sure the weather there is much nicer than it is here. =D
On the no-contact front, it's amazing what a week of time does. Last Sunday, I blocked her on all social media, my phone, and set her email address to skip the inbox and automatically archive while I transfer everything to a new account. Just knowing that I'm not going to see negativity from her every time I look at my phone or my computer makes me feel like a giant weight has been lifted. The guilt is already massively fading away. I've gradually been sleeping better and taking slower breaths.
I did peek in my archive folder today.. I'll admit, I was curious if there was feedback that might indicate she's going to fight moving out. She's emailed me twice. Once Sunday afternoon, to say that she would clean her room on Wednesday as she was "too busy to work on it right now".... and then another today, telling me to "please review internet packages" for her that would meet her "streaming and internet needs" with a link to an internet company. "Also, I'm going to need prices." I ignored them both, logged myself out of that account and into the new one. Oooooh, pretty empty AM-free inbox!
FeelingGreat, that is adorable and made me smile really big! I'm sure the weather there is much nicer than it is here. =D
On the no-contact front, it's amazing what a week of time does. Last Sunday, I blocked her on all social media, my phone, and set her email address to skip the inbox and automatically archive while I transfer everything to a new account. Just knowing that I'm not going to see negativity from her every time I look at my phone or my computer makes me feel like a giant weight has been lifted. The guilt is already massively fading away. I've gradually been sleeping better and taking slower breaths.
I did peek in my archive folder today.. I'll admit, I was curious if there was feedback that might indicate she's going to fight moving out. She's emailed me twice. Once Sunday afternoon, to say that she would clean her room on Wednesday as she was "too busy to work on it right now".... and then another today, telling me to "please review internet packages" for her that would meet her "streaming and internet needs" with a link to an internet company. "Also, I'm going to need prices." I ignored them both, logged myself out of that account and into the new one. Oooooh, pretty empty AM-free inbox!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 283
Its been said, and I must take heed as well, "We have to take care of ourselves". It appears that you are doing the right thing and it may feel like you are going through war right now, because there still may be road bumps, but in a long run we have to cut bait for what isn't good for us mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm not sure how much love you have to spare at this time for this individual, but sometimes it gets easier for US not them, if we detach with love. Peace. 
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by zoelu 
Once Sunday afternoon, to say that she would clean her room on Wednesday as she was "too busy to work on it right now".... and then another today, telling me to "please review internet packages" for her that would meet her "streaming and internet needs" with a link to an internet company. "Also, I'm going to need prices." I ignored them both
T
PS -- when it comes time to clean the cr*p out of her room, allow me to suggest Contractor Bags. They're more expensive than regular trash bags, but they're worth it.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Zoelu, your post was a nice surprise because I was expecting your AM to kick up in a major way. It's good to know you're feeling stronger and more confident. Maybe without your AM living with you, you have a chance to repair the relationship with her in the future. Her second email about the internet made me smile. I wish I had a secretary.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 283
On the no-contact front, it's amazing what a week of time does. Last Sunday, I blocked her on all social media, my phone, and set her email address to skip the inbox and automatically archive while I transfer everything to a new account. Just knowing that I'm not going to see negativity from her every time I look at my phone or my computer makes me feel like a giant weight has been lifted. The guilt is already massively fading away. I've gradually been sleeping better and taking slower breaths.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Sounds great so far... Keep it up & try not to let the guilt creep in (I get a feeling it's not only me that suffers this in relation to my mother!)
Stay strong & keep posting xx
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Stay strong & keep posting xx
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 29
What a long month.. and a long post
Well, she's out. Sort of. She left almost all her things, and one heck of a mess- figuratively and literally.
By Sunday, March 23rd, she still had not moved a single item and the stench coming from our basement was unbearable to the point that we would gag when we walked into the house. We've basically confined ourselves to the master bedroom/bathroom and office for the past few months, and I hit my breaking point. I had what I'm calling a mental meltdown in the bathroom- and she must have heard me, because that day (literally 2 minutes after I stopped crying) I received an email from her: "I will move out on April 1st as you asked and you will never hear from me again." [I still have a filter set in my email to auto-archive her messages... I just, for some reason, decided to check it after my freak-out.]
The next day, her older sister sent me a forward of an email chain between the two of them from Sunday the 23rd. In it, AM made it sound like we had a fight and I kicked her out with a week's notice. My enabling Aunt responded by telling her it'd be much more convenient if I could let her stay longer, as she is recovering from the flu and unable to help AM move right now. AM agreed, and asked enabling Aunt to ask me to let her stay until May 7th. Hence, the email- along with a handful of jabs (such as my Aunt insisting that the most important person/relationship in AM's life is her dog...).
Needless to say, I said "no". [Aunt replied that she understood, that AM was out of control and that she was glad I was taking the initiative as she was too scared to. I didn't reply back.]
Fast forward to Monday, March 31st- I worked from our home office that morning. The building across from the company I work for burned down the prior weekend. My company closed due to smoke and water damage. AM emailed enabling Aunt that morning who.. forwarded it to me- in it, she insinuated that I stayed home to spy on her because I knew that movers were supposed to come that day. I responded to enabling Aunt that my building was closed and not to contact me regarding AM anymore.
Tuesday, April 1st- I received another email from enabling Aunt at work. Another forward from AM. This one said that she was "about to have a heart attack". That my husband and I had promised to help her move, that she was unable to fit anymore items into her storage unit as she is storing things for me there, and that she cannot lift all my items to bring them to the house. Could enabling Aunt please email me? And she did- "could u please help ur mom move ur things?"
"You" and "your" are not overrated.
So I called my DH and we came up with a "solution". I told enabling Aunt (EA?) that we would meet AM at her storage unit after work to remove whatever it is she was storing of mine that needed moved (I have no idea what this could be). That the movers needed to remove all her furniture, and that the remaining boxes could be left in our garage for pick up on Friday at 5pm. EA tells AM. AM texts me (GOD I LOVE THIS GAME) not to worry about it, everything is fine but could I please leave the garage door unlocked on Friday so that she can collect her items without having to see me.
Then EA spends the afternoon emailing me. I didn't answer her or AM.
Tuesday night my husband and I came home to what I expected would be a stressed out dog... ecstatic and full of energy that she hasn't had in months. Awesome!
Then we went to the basement. Not so awesome!
- That stench? It was left-over Fazoli's Fettuccine Alfredo. I don't know how long it had been there, but I know it was long enough for it to turn black- and long enough for me to safely say I'll never eat at Fazoli's.
- Boxes everywhere- in all the rooms. Silverware, beer cans, food wrappers shoved under the bed. Food smooshed into the carpet. Scuffs and dings all over the walls and doors.
- The toilet was so clogged it took over an hour to fix. The vanity was foggy and dusty; the once-white tiles were gray; and the once-bronze door knob was, well, also gray.
- The only thing that was "cleaned out" was her closet- with the exception of her mother-of-the-bride gown that she wore to our wedding in November, and the coat we bought her as a wedding / Christmas present. Ouch?
There's more. So much more. I could write a book. Just.. gross. I don't know if I'm more disgusted that my "mother" could do that to our home, or that a human being could live like that. She's convinced EA that her only option now is to live in a tent (it's been lows of 20's and highs of 50's here- we had a light dusting of snow this morning). EA is on a guilt-zoelu-rampage. So I set a filter for her emails as well.
What's really messed up? In between twinges of anger, I feel guilt. Should I have done something different, is she warm, is she eating? And then I remember the fact that my heart races whenever I turn onto my own street.
[Oh, and side note- yes, against our better judgment, we left the garage unlocked for her this morning before we left for work. DH took a video and pictures of the garage before we left.. in case anything went missing. Everything looked good when we got home- except that she didn't collect all of her things. It's locked now. So more fun to deal with later.]
Therapist recommends massages, meditation, long walks with fur baby, and quality time with our healthy family members (i.e. my in-laws). Right now, I'll settle for getting used to leaving doors open in our house.
By Sunday, March 23rd, she still had not moved a single item and the stench coming from our basement was unbearable to the point that we would gag when we walked into the house. We've basically confined ourselves to the master bedroom/bathroom and office for the past few months, and I hit my breaking point. I had what I'm calling a mental meltdown in the bathroom- and she must have heard me, because that day (literally 2 minutes after I stopped crying) I received an email from her: "I will move out on April 1st as you asked and you will never hear from me again." [I still have a filter set in my email to auto-archive her messages... I just, for some reason, decided to check it after my freak-out.]
The next day, her older sister sent me a forward of an email chain between the two of them from Sunday the 23rd. In it, AM made it sound like we had a fight and I kicked her out with a week's notice. My enabling Aunt responded by telling her it'd be much more convenient if I could let her stay longer, as she is recovering from the flu and unable to help AM move right now. AM agreed, and asked enabling Aunt to ask me to let her stay until May 7th. Hence, the email- along with a handful of jabs (such as my Aunt insisting that the most important person/relationship in AM's life is her dog...).
Needless to say, I said "no". [Aunt replied that she understood, that AM was out of control and that she was glad I was taking the initiative as she was too scared to. I didn't reply back.]
Fast forward to Monday, March 31st- I worked from our home office that morning. The building across from the company I work for burned down the prior weekend. My company closed due to smoke and water damage. AM emailed enabling Aunt that morning who.. forwarded it to me- in it, she insinuated that I stayed home to spy on her because I knew that movers were supposed to come that day. I responded to enabling Aunt that my building was closed and not to contact me regarding AM anymore.
Tuesday, April 1st- I received another email from enabling Aunt at work. Another forward from AM. This one said that she was "about to have a heart attack". That my husband and I had promised to help her move, that she was unable to fit anymore items into her storage unit as she is storing things for me there, and that she cannot lift all my items to bring them to the house. Could enabling Aunt please email me? And she did- "could u please help ur mom move ur things?"
"You" and "your" are not overrated.
So I called my DH and we came up with a "solution". I told enabling Aunt (EA?) that we would meet AM at her storage unit after work to remove whatever it is she was storing of mine that needed moved (I have no idea what this could be). That the movers needed to remove all her furniture, and that the remaining boxes could be left in our garage for pick up on Friday at 5pm. EA tells AM. AM texts me (GOD I LOVE THIS GAME) not to worry about it, everything is fine but could I please leave the garage door unlocked on Friday so that she can collect her items without having to see me.
Then EA spends the afternoon emailing me. I didn't answer her or AM.
Tuesday night my husband and I came home to what I expected would be a stressed out dog... ecstatic and full of energy that she hasn't had in months. Awesome!
Then we went to the basement. Not so awesome!
- That stench? It was left-over Fazoli's Fettuccine Alfredo. I don't know how long it had been there, but I know it was long enough for it to turn black- and long enough for me to safely say I'll never eat at Fazoli's.
- Boxes everywhere- in all the rooms. Silverware, beer cans, food wrappers shoved under the bed. Food smooshed into the carpet. Scuffs and dings all over the walls and doors.
- The toilet was so clogged it took over an hour to fix. The vanity was foggy and dusty; the once-white tiles were gray; and the once-bronze door knob was, well, also gray.
- The only thing that was "cleaned out" was her closet- with the exception of her mother-of-the-bride gown that she wore to our wedding in November, and the coat we bought her as a wedding / Christmas present. Ouch?
There's more. So much more. I could write a book. Just.. gross. I don't know if I'm more disgusted that my "mother" could do that to our home, or that a human being could live like that. She's convinced EA that her only option now is to live in a tent (it's been lows of 20's and highs of 50's here- we had a light dusting of snow this morning). EA is on a guilt-zoelu-rampage. So I set a filter for her emails as well.
What's really messed up? In between twinges of anger, I feel guilt. Should I have done something different, is she warm, is she eating? And then I remember the fact that my heart races whenever I turn onto my own street.
[Oh, and side note- yes, against our better judgment, we left the garage unlocked for her this morning before we left for work. DH took a video and pictures of the garage before we left.. in case anything went missing. Everything looked good when we got home- except that she didn't collect all of her things. It's locked now. So more fun to deal with later.]
Therapist recommends massages, meditation, long walks with fur baby, and quality time with our healthy family members (i.e. my in-laws). Right now, I'll settle for getting used to leaving doors open in our house.
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