zoelu

AM is still in our house. In April, it will be a year.

Voc Rehab has been working with her. The plan was... enroll in additional job training through the community college, get a part-time job (~30 hours), apply for low-income housing.

She enrolled in the job training. She's not yet found a job. And the virtual second she received her living expenses money, she bought a 30-pack of Natural Light. That was a Thursday night. Between 10pm that Thursday and the following Sunday, she drank that 30-pack and two 12-packs. I don't know how she is still alive.

Our basement is destroyed. There's a pile of clothes on the floor of the laundry room that's stacked taller than our washing machine. I don't know how long it's been there, but it's definitely damp and smells moldy. There are beer boxes and fast food burger wrappers covering what's left of the space. The sink and vanity are covered in beer cans. The shower door is closed because- what's inside? More beer cans. It looks like someone tried to make a ball pit using a corner shower stall and Natural Light. There are vomit stains in the living room carpet from.. I'm hoping.. her Labrador Retriever.

Tonight, hubby ran into her in the hallway and asked if she could work on cleaning up the basement this week. Cue drunken tantrum. Hubby is a good man. He stays calm and doesn't lose his temper. I cower in our bedroom listening to it because, even at 30, I'm scared to death of her rages.

I have a "You need to move out by xx/xx/xxxx" letter typed up and saved on my computer. Just haven't had the guts to give it to her... both because I'm scared of her and for her.

I have a therapist appointment tomorrow- hoping she can help me find some courage in myself.

Kialua

That is so hard for you. Is this a legal apartment that you don't have access to? With an alcoholic like this you have to take care for your own property, meaning don't let it get that bad before you go in and clean up. If it's not a legal apartment that she is renting and you are a landlord, there would be no asking on my part, only telling. Good luck, I know it's hard.

Raider

Tough situation. I'm sorry.

PurpleWilder

This whole situation sounds awful - I'm sorry.

As much as you may not want to, it might be advisable to have a police officer on hand when you give her the letter. That way, she cannot claim she did not receive it or that she was threatened in any way with regards to leaving. Also, letting the officer see the living conditions she has set up for herself will further support your grounds for having her leave should it get ugly. At it will make it very clear to her that you are dead serious about her leaving.

Hope this helps.

FeelingGreat

zoelu, she sounds totally out of control, and a bully. She's used to her rages intimidating you. Is your husband intimidated by them? If not, can you use him as support and present a combined front to her? Be prepared for the bullying and tantrums, but try and think of her as a spoiled child. Also better to say anything you have to say when she's sober.
Whatever you do, don't get into a confrontation with her when she's drunk and you're on your own.
If you can get her out, you may have to do the cleaning yourself, but it will be worth it. I'm not sure if she's been sober at any point, but is she mentally ill? The horrible mess you describe doesn't sound normal.

tromboneliness

(None of my business, but the part I can never understand is: If someone wants to get as plowed as humanly possible, why drink beer? You'd float away, on a 30-pack... Why not just cut to the chase and drink vodka? But hey, what do I know...?)

zoelu

Hey everyone, thanks for all the replies. It's really amazing to know that you all took the time to read and respond.

It's not an apartment. We have a split level house that has a bedroom, bathroom, living room, three storage closets, and a laundry room in the basement. The living room, bathroom, and laundry room are on the opposite side of the basement from the bedroom she is staying in- and we never go in there because that is her personal space. There's never been rent charged (nor paid).

It does help- and it's a good idea... As sad as it is, we actually took pictures of the common areas after we realized how bad they were..

Oh my gosh, I'd tear up all the carpet and beer cans myself if she'd get out!

I haven't seen her sober in weeks. As far as mental illness,.. it wouldn't surprise me. She's never been examined by a doctor for it. Her mother was bipolar and alcoholic, and had stints in ICU and padded rooms. She has a lot of the same... tendencies? Habits? Reactions? Personality quirks? AM is afraid if she talks to a therapist about it or admits to her doctor that she downs her nerve pain medication with a beer, she'll be declared crazy and put in a straight jacket like her mom was. She's also told me in the past that if I ever tried to put her in a nursing home or assisted living, she'd kill herself... I'm not sure how that is different from what she's doing now.

I talked to my Therapist tonight for over an hour. She reiterated a lot of the things you all said (especially having an officer present to view her behavior and the living environment and not trying to address anything by myself), and gave me a few other things to think about as well:

1. Intervention with the help of a professional (or multiple professionals)
2. Court Order to have her evaluated and/or hospitalized
3. Call the police the next (and every) time she gets in her truck and she's been drinking

I'm scared. Mostly because I don't know what's going to happen next, or how long it's going to take, or how much harder it's going to get. And why is it always when you reach the decision that something has to be done that you think, "But it's my mother"?

zoelu

Lol, Tromboneliness. Agreed.

If SOMEONE ELSE foots the bill for vodka or tequila, she'll gladly drink it. There were margaritas when I went dress shopping for our wedding- she drank more than everyone combined.. but she'll never buy it herself. Only Natural Light- and Bud Light in a pinch. Or occasionally she'll drink cooking wine that's so old we forgot we had any...

tromboneliness

That's another one. My wife and I dragged my Dad to tour an assisted living place once -- he hated the idea, but my wife and I said to each other, hey, why don't WE get an apartment in this place ourselves! That is THE LIFE, I tell you. Everything's taken care of -- housekeeping, cooking, activities, all the logistics, there's a help button if you fall and need help... BUT you're still basically living independently -- you can come and go, do what you want, they basically leave you alone. You can even have a car and take off on vacation, if you're able (there are assisted-living residents who do that -- who knew?). So the rent is $5,000 a month? That's really not too bad, when you consider that it includes pretty much everything you need in life! (It can even be tax-deductible as a medical expense, at least a portion of it. Keep in mind that the correct answer to every tax question is, "It depends," and this one is no exception. But I digress.)

Nonetheless, my Dad hated it -- he said he wanted to die in the house he'd been living in for 47 years. OK, fine, that's exactly what happened. I hope he's happy now.

T