EveningRose

Yet another new thing.

My sibling bought a house for her son and my daughters to live in. So my daughters have spent the past week cleaning and repairing with their aunt and uncle, and no one bothered telling me. Same daughter who sided with her cousin in calling me vulgar names and swearing at me (his thanks for taking him on the cross-country trip he asked to be taken on, and I happily obliged.) Same daughter who didn't speak to me all summer. Same (other daughter) who rarely answers my texts, who spent the summer living with my parents most likely hearing all the untruths they spew about me.

I'm hurt and I suppose a bit angry that my siblings' and parents' behavior led to my nephew knowing he could treat me that way with impunity...in other words, their behavior broke down my relationship with him when my own behavior and treatment of him never deserved that. I treated him like my own son. I, on the other hand, have kept my mouth shut about all the ugliness from these people, and therefore, NOT destroyed their relationships with my kids.

Okay, maybe I'm furious if I think about it. Maybe that's why I try not to.

I think I'm furious that the overall message I've gotten is that either I accept my role as the family scapegoat/screw-up or they will destroy me. Among the things that were said the last time I talked to my father: I pointed out to him very calmly, that I will not accept being screamed at over holiday dinners because I do not treat the rest of them that way. He said, "That's because we're not annoying."

REALLY??? REALLY????? I saw that in his eyes, it couldn't possibly be that they, just like the rest of us, have their annoying moments, but I react with peace and patience because I'm a good person who realizes we all have our quirks and tries to treat people with love. That comment was really eye-opening, to see that he is totally incapable of seeing good in me, and figures I treated them with love, kindness, and respect all these years because they deserved it...and I didn't.

And he wonders why I'm through with them.

And so...I head back to al-anon on Tuesday. I've looked up a meeting. But as much as I move forward with my life, I feel like these things keep me chained in an impossible situation, and right now, I feel no hope that al-anon is going to help me move any farther along toward peace.

tromboneliness

If you keep showing up at holiday dinners, you will keep getting treated like that -- it is not going to change. The nephew and sibling are going to do what they're going to do. Your own kids... are undoubtedly the hard part. It's easy to sit here and tell you to go NC with dad and the others, but your own, hmmmm, no idea what to suggest there. I guess what it amounts to is that the scapegoaters are going to scapegoat you, no matter what you do... which is, in a way, a helpful realization, because like with realizing that we can't make an alkie stop drinking, it means we no longer have to try to placate them or influence their behavior, because we can't do it anyway!

It still stinks, though.

T

DesertEyes

One of the "pearls of wisdom" I heard in ACA was about monkeys in a zoo. Suppose I go to the zoo, walk past the monkey cage and some of the monkeys make lots of noise and ugly faces at me. Would I get hurt and a bit angry that the monkeys acted like animals? Of course not, they're just animals.

Why then do I get hurt when another group of apes, that happen to have no body hair and live in a house instead of a cage, also act like animals? What I have in common with the monkeys in the zoo is _exactly_ the same thing I have in common with the apes in the house: A certain percentage of random DNA.

DNA is not what makes a family ( this I heard right here on SR ). If I give my love and kindness to little specks of chemical that fit in a laboratory tube I am wasting my life.

I think you are right. That is exactly how I was with my family. The trick is to figure out _exactly_ what those "things" really are. For me, it was little bits of chemical in a tube that I had incorrectly identified as "family".

No worries, you are welcome back just the same. There's peeps there who will welcome you as family, because we know it's not the DNA that makes us kin.

Mike

EveningRose

You are right in all respects. I have not gone to holiday dinners in 5 years.

I'm really not so upset about my family's behavior as much as about the fact that my kids have been dragged into it, and their behavior has affected my relationship with my kids, as my kids expose themselves to the toxicity. And it's true, the anger gets stirred up again when I realize more of what's going on.

I think the way I see it, on further reflection, is that my siblings are sending my kids a message, whether it's intentional or not: if my kid calls your mother a b*tch to her face and she stands up for herself, you may feel free to take your cousin's side. Because if your mother has a problem with your behavior, doesn't matter, WE'RE here for you, you don't need her anyway.

cleaninLI

I understand what your're saying. This type of thing happened to me. There was a time, many years ago that I remarried my second husband. My mother did not like him, (he didnt fall for her bs) so she did everything in her power to build resentments in my daughter (from my first marriage).
Although he tried very hard to win my daughter's love, he was never good enough. When, later down the road we had children. My mother poisoned my 1st daughter against her other siblings and against me as well. Trust me we went out of our way to treat her very well, in fact both my husband and I gave in many times about things, spoiling her a little more than the other kids, just because we felt bad that she did not accept him and to try to prove false some of my mother's wicked nonsense that we didn't love her as much as our other kids. I knew better, but it was really hard for me because I wanted us to be one big happy family.

Unfortunately, the resentments became very bad during her teenage years. When my daughter reached the age of 18 and graduated from high school at my mothers nudging and offer to pay her way through college, she applied for a college pretty far away, but very close to my parents. Things became worse than ever! She was way too close to her Grandma and her negitive influence. She would curse at me on the phone and say a lot of mean things to me. That was a very low point in my life.

Finally, I had reached the point that enough was enough. I went NC with my mother and in doing so made my daughter even more furious with me. So I decided that whether my daughter or not I can not continue to be abused and cursed at, hung up on etc....scape goated by my own daughter! So I stopped calling her. It was extremely hard to do, especially in the beginning. But after some time she did call me. The conversations started out rather cold and distant. Sometimes they remained that way and other times she would start eccusing me of things I knew came straight from my mother's mouth. During those times I would say "I'm going to hang-up now. Feel free to call me when you're ready to have a nice conversation." (Not always in those same words but that was the jest of it.) I would say, after about 1 year of this, she started calling me in a respectful way. Infact, our relationship improved tremendously. Once in a while she would slip....but for the most part, our conversations grew from a little strained to warm and friendly. Now they are actually warm and loving.

So I think, even though they are your daughter's, you will need to draw a boundary. That is the only way that they will learn that you are not the scapegoat and refuse to be treated as one. I know it's hard though.. You fear that you will lose them permanently. That was my fear too, in the beginning, but I just couldn't take my own child treating me the way my mother treated me. I am not that horrible person they say I am.....my daughter now realizes that's true....but it took some time and a very secure boundary to reach that point.

NWGRITS

I'm already seeing family influences on my kids from their sperm donor's side, and I can't adequately explain the sheer terror I feel sometimes. It's easy to create boundaries or go NC with my family, but these are my children. I love them unconditionally and would never try to manipulate them the way XH and his family do (though it's tempting sometimes when I hear things from my kids). I don't have any advice, just lots of hugs for you.

EveningRose

CleaninLI, thank you for your story. It gives me hope and encouragement. I have wondered if I lack maternal feelings, but I already feel very strongly that being my son or daughter does not give them the right to treat me that way. I rarely text these two older kids who sided with their cousin. And Christmas was good. But they don't seem to particularly care or notice that the texts they used to get are no longer forthcoming.

(Disclaimer: they say they both told him his behavior was wrong. However, within an hour of the event, they were at a party having a blast with him. Their actions told him clearly that his behavior wasn't too much of a problem.)

NWGrits--yes, I believe it is manipulation on my family's part. I spent my childhood listening to my mother say horrible things about my grandmother, trying to turn us against her. I refuse to do that to my children, and I think my parents would have been NICE to my kids anyway, but I do think there's an added incentive on the part of parents and siblings to really play it up, make sure my kids see that obviously I'm the problem since the rest of them all get along so great.

cleaninLI

Whatever you need to do to feel happy, healthy, have peace of mind and contentment is what you need to do. If that means going NC with your oldest kids then that is what you must do. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that wether they are your kids or an ex husband, if they are causing you this kind of pain, it's your right to protect yourself. We do not have to sacrifice our health or happiness because we happen to be mothers.

Another point is that you never know how things could turn out in the future. I think that healthy attracts healthy, unhealthy attracts unhealthy. So if your children are attracted to unhealthy people right now...Perhaps they are unhealthy too? Better to surround yourself with healthy people anyway, right? Life is always changing, evolving....when they choose to get healthy themselves....open their eyes to the sickness in your family....then you both can rebuild your relationship together. Perhaps step back and give time and attention to those people who bring you happiness. I know it isn't easy, but try focussing on the positive influences in your life....everything and anything that is possitive right now. Tuck all that other dysfunctional stuff away....leave it for another day.

I know it's tough and may take longer, but I do feel kids (if they are healthy) reach a point in their lives where they realize they are missing their mother. My daughter is now 30, married and has a child of her own, we are just now rebuilding our relationship.

EveningRose

All the other dysfunction....sigh. It's been a crazy week. Lots of upheaval in another area of my life, totally unconnected, in which I also have major decisions to make in dealing with another person. I've spent the morning 'coping' and 'dealing with it all.' Yes, it's time to go play the piano. :-D

I suppose as the immediate surprise (I won't go so far as to say shock) wears off, I remember that this is all relatively short term at this stage, and I am hopeful for the future.

(Somewhat of a side note, but this news about the house comes almost on the heels of (foolishly) opening the standard Christmas letter sent to everyone from my sister, a little surprised she'd even send me one, to find out she had made a major cross country trip to visit my daughter, again, something just not mentioned to me, and again, a reminder that they will build strong relationships with my kids while creating situations that have their kids despising me, and breaking apart all I've done to build good relationships with their kids.)

I suppose in writing, I'm able to boil it down and focus in on the real problem: no matter how much I am able to separate myself from them (and I have), they are still able to ruin my relationships with others by their negative talk. I suppose it helps me see that the answer is to steadily, continually build relationships that can never come in contact with these people.

cleaninLI

So sorry it looks like you have a lot of stress and painful situations to deal with right now! I know if it weren't for moving clear accross the country and building friendships with people not even remotely connected to my FOO, I would to this day be enmeshed with them.....would I'm sure be unable to break away from my scapegoat role. It took a lot of sacrifices and major change to build a contented life with people who respect me. I don't even have any of my FOO as friends on facebook. In fact, there was a time they didn't even know my address or phone number.....boy did I catch Hell for that one, too. According to them I was totally irresponsible amongst other things because I did not give them my address and phone number. Somehow my brother tracked me down to relay the message. I will say that by doing just that I lived several years happy and stress free.

Hugs to you, I know it's so hard!