When your AM asks you to buy her beer
 

Today is the sixth day of the past ten in which my mother has emailed or texted me at work to ask me to buy beer for her. (I should note she's emailing my personal account in hopes I'll see the notification on my phone; she doesn't have my work email.) My general method of dealing with it has been to ignore the messages and then when I get home (she lives in our basement), she asks if I bought her beer and I simply say "No". I told her a few months ago that I would not buy her alcohol and it turned into an argument about how she doesn't have a problem and what a rotten daughter I am- and I would really like to avoid having that "conversation" again if I can. This is the first time she's asked since then and I'm sure it's because she just lost another job and has no cash flow. She's even gone so far in her text messages as to offer to trade beer in exchange for groceries- because she can buy those with her food assistance. I am at a loss for words. Has anyone else dealt with anything like this and/or have any words of wisdom?

I wouldn't do it. You've already told her you won't, so don't. Nothing has changed except she found a more creative way of asking. Addicts are very creative.

I agree with Suki. Stick to your boundaries. If she is that desperate, she can always sell her food stamps to one of those less than stellar deli or bodega: addicts do it all the time.

Yeah just say no. My brothers used to by my alcoholic dad fancy booze for his birthday and such and I tried to get them to stop but they wouldn't. They just said he would drink any way. Great. While I was still living at home it always ended up with me getting beat. Thanks a lot. After we grew up I told them much later and then they were sorry.

I'm sorry to hear that, Kialua. :(

My intention is still not to buy her alcohol; I just wondered if anyone else had been through this and whether they found a better way of dealing than what I'm already doing. It's just frustrating..

My best friend is actually dealing with the same situation. She is very stressed and frustrated with it. She always vents to me and I am willing to listen. I am sorry you have to deal with that. It is hard and puts you in a bad position. I do know that my friend had to finally give the "speech" again and bring up the situation at hand very straightforward. She had a family sit down and called her mom out in front of the family. Things got a little out of hand for a bit, but things smoothed over after a while. If my friend tells me more recent info I will post to this thread. That is a tough one for sure.

"No" is a complete sentence. If she gets mad, that's just proof she's got a problem, and I wouldn't have hesitated to throw that in her face (although I gather that would not be advised in your case). Just say no, and if she doesn't like it, she can manipulate someone else into being her supplier.

T

Continue saying no, or just ignore her. Why is she living in your basement?

She lost her house last April; that's when she moved in. I'm an only child and my dad passed away when I was a teenager, so it's just me. And as much as I want to kick her out and make her fend for herself for once, I can't bring myself to do it. She does have two sisters- one is very sick and my cousin moved back in to take care of her, the other is an enabler and she has a verbally abusive husband.

At one point this fall, mom had a decent job and was looking at apartments, but she lost the job the week of thanksgiving due to absenteeism. She's been meeting with voc. rehab to look for jobs, but nothing yet.

She's got a cushy setup. I wouldn't plan on her doing anything to jeopardize that, so probably you should be thinking about yourself and how long you want to do this dance. You all deserve better.

She does, and it's making us miserable. It's that whole guilt thing of where does she go if I tell her to leave.

Well, meanwhile it's your way or the highway. I'll bet even if she squawks she will comply. Steel yourself.

Yep. She either plays by your rules or gets out. Honestly, what happens to her if she doesn't, isn't your problem. Guilt is a learned feeling, and we ACoA have it in spades. When you learn that you aren't responsible for anyone but yourself, a lot of things fall into place for recovery.

Hi zoelu,
My advice is stick to your guns & keep repeating NO
Kept telling Ex AW no but I gave in 1 time & that was huge mistake. This created wiggle room coz I had moved my boundary. Know it's tough but you'll be better off in the end

Guilt has always been one of my bigger issues. My mother would beg to hang out at a bar with her because she missed me dearly. She would tell my friends to call me (bless them they didn't) she would tell everyone how dearly she missed me (some would tell me how horrible I was for ignoring her). So I once told my mother I would not hang out with her until she could come up with something to do that didn't include alcohol. I didn't see her for four months! After years of looking at it she's no longer a burden for me she barely even angers me, mostly I feel sad for her that she could not pull her mind out of the booze long enough to think of doing lunch with her daughter. Basically, I made my rules, I stuck to them and I gave her an alternative, it helped me to remove the guilt I was feeling from myself because I gave her an opportunity, all she had to do was think of me instead of the booze long enough to get it. Sticking to my guns also gave me a source of pride and control which I desperately needed. It wasn't always easy but it was worth it, for me, in the long run. I wish you strength, and the same feelings of pride every time you stick to the rules you have given. Congrats, every time you haven't bought her beer you have been a champion.