lostascanbe

I have had extreme social phobia and anxiety since the age of 11 or 12. I am very quiet, shy, don't have good social skills, have trouble initiating conversations, hate small talk, and don't have any close friends just some acquaintances. It's not that I don't like people. I just don't put myself out there like that. I want to be more social, more outgoing but I don't know how to do it. I even have anxiety about having anxiety. It has been bad. School was torture. I excelled academically because I felt that was the only area of my life I could do something right. I learned to deal with it somehow and found diversions tv, video games, food, etc. As I am getting older, I realized that I have not dealt with this issue hoping it would just go away on its own. Sadly, it has not. You see.......I grew up with a father who was an alcoholic. He wasn't just an alcoholic, he was emotionally abusive to me, my brother, and my mother. He was violent, angry, and called me cruel names regularly. We had no relationship and I left the room, whenever he entered. He was a tryant and a control freak. The home revolved around him. No one could be happy, laugh, play, be normal (whatever that is) without having him come down and curse at us or "cut his eyes" at us. It was very hard. Well, I see that the damage that was done to me has not healed. I am still very quiet, shy, and I am terrible at making conversation, making friends, having fun with people. I suffer from extreme boughts of loneliness and depression. I have frequent thoughts of ending my life (though i don't think I'd ever go through with it because I'm too much of a coward). I just wanted to get this off my chest and hope that someone out there can tell me what to do with this pain. I am very skeptical about therapy but I feel I need to talk to somebody who can help me figure this out. I have been told to seek out alanon group but I've been afraid to do so. With my social anxiety, I would drive there, get to the front door but be too afraid to open it and come inside. At least the internet, gives me a sense of anonymity. Well, just wondering how I can get better, be normal, be fun, talk to people, and not be afraid doing it. I also wonder if anyone knows whether growing up in an alcoholic family with an abusive parent, can lead to social phobia. I think I already know the answer to that. I just have to figure out, how to heal. I guess that's the real question here. Sorry for ranting.

Hopeworks

Hi Lost,

My father was very abusive and there in nothing worse than being a helpless child in a toxic family such as you experienced.

The good news is that you can find your way out but it is not passive.... staying on a path of discovery through reading here, books, counseling and alanon will all help with finding the peace and happiness you are looking for!

Alanon is a great place to start working on your social phobia! Go to a meeting and at least drive to the parking lot! The next time you might walk to the door and one day you will find yourself inside. Its one day and one step at a time.

As an ACOA who ended up in relationships with A's I needed Alanon... I cried through the first few meetings but found them to be very, very helpful.

Keep coming back and posting your feelings... that's a great start! Welcome...

EveningRose

I do believe it's related. To me, it's fairly obvious that, as often as everything I said and did at home was WRONG !WRONG AGAIN! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?--well, it's no wonder I was afraid to open my mouth and say the wrong thing at school, too.

It got a lot better when I left home for college.

DavidG

My dad too, my life also...

I was a brainbox as a kid- I wrote this poem about my situation:

"He has hands afraid to touch,
and a mind that knows too much..."

I worked my way through Alanon, and then through ACA... taking the first steps are the hardest. It is quite possible to do it online, more or less. Once we gain confidence things will change naturally....

I always look out for newcomers shares...



DavidG.

tromboneliness

That pretty much sounds like a somewhat "worse" case of exactly what my household of origin was like. And I've struggled with a lot of the same types of social phobia/anxiety -- again, in somewhat attenuated form, probably because my Dad was not as bad (but was, qualitatively, as you describe). I'm still not great with getting out there, networking, schmoozing, or even picking up the phone (it's so much easier to "hide behind e-mail," as one of my business-school profs put it). Relationships? Ha! I do have a wedding ring on my finger, but am still not sure exactly how that happened. I never had so much as a date until I was 30.

So ya, that's a familiar scene, you describe....

T

PlasticInsanity

I know how you feel. My dad was a weekend alcoholic technically - although if there was a reason during the week to drink, he would take it; ie: holidays, birthday, baseball game, hockey game, etc etc. EVERYTHING was centered around his drinking. He would get blacked out drunk to the point of being incoherent, and I as a child took the responsibility of watching him to make sure nothing happened to the house. Of course as a result, I took the brunt of his words (emotional abuse), and because of that I was anti-social and suicidal.

Once I was about to turn 18 I slowly became more outgoing, and then once I turned 18 it was like a complete 180 - I think it was because I had money to do what I wanted, and then the freedom of being 18. I still had the low self-esteem, and as a result I myself became a weekend partier, and then as the years passed became an addict. I'm now working on becoming the person I know I'm capable of being, and recovering from my addiction.

I highly suggest you see a counsellor. Being an ACOA comes with many "knots" that need to be de-kinked, and as you work through them, you learn to accept the good ones and release the bad ones.

caboblanco

I was basically told I was a horrible person and made to feel I was the reason for my fathers unhappiness and his heavy drinking. I'm not completely sure but i think some of my fathers friends would support him and agree with him. My father had a pretty high social status. I would actually get yelled at and

looked down on by other people because of what my dad told them behind my back. My father would sometimes turn around the other way and say I love you babe...usually followed by all the condescending bs and would blame me for not having a good relationship with him. i believe some of the stuff

early on stayed with me as it was planted early and deep. but after a certain point i decided there is no pleasing this guy and it was about him and not me.

kudzujean

To answer your question, heavens, YES!

My father was an alcoholic too and boy, could I relate to a lot you said. Through therapy and 12-step groups I've gotten over a lot of it, but it still is hard for me to make friends. Yet compared to how I used to be, I'm like a social butterfly now.

Another thing that helped me greatly was experiential group therapy. But I encourage you to find a therapist and/or Al Anon.

Best to you!