Our Daughter Seems Immune
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Colorado
Posts: 28
Our Daughter Seems Immune
Our daughter survived a childhood with a "high functioning" alcoholic mother (we're still married). During the day things were fine but at night there was rarely peace until she passed out.
Now she is grown and in college. She's a great kid and I she understands what happened(ing) with Mom. We talked about it many times.
Either she is the best at detachment as I've ever seen or she's keeping it bottled up.
If this seems familiar, how did you cope? How do I make sure she's really ok with all this?
Now she is grown and in college. She's a great kid and I she understands what happened(ing) with Mom. We talked about it many times.
Either she is the best at detachment as I've ever seen or she's keeping it bottled up.
If this seems familiar, how did you cope? How do I make sure she's really ok with all this?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Firefighter, and pleased to "meet" you 
Well.... there's many, many other posibilities. If you go down to your local bookstore and just read the titles in the self-help section you will see just how many different ways people manage to cope.
I was a combination of the "lost child" with the "hero child". These are two of the most common survival techniques in a dysfunctional family.
You don't. There is no way you can look into her mind and read her thoughts. What you _can_ do is be the kind of father that a young adult woman needs for the rest of her life. If you can be a good role model, then she will feel comfortable telling you how she really feels.
That is, if she _chooses_ to tell you. She is an adult now, she may decide _not_ to tell you, or maybe tell you next year, or after graduation, etc. etc. Whatever she decides, you can best be supportive of her by respecting her choice and treating her like an adult.
I helped raise a young woman some years ago, and there were moments when I did not do so well in respecting her as an adult. Many years before that it was me that was a young adult that survived an alcoholic family. Had my parents _ever_ treated my like an adult once I became one, _ever_ respected my choices as I stumbled my way into maturity, it would have made a huge difference in my life.
Mike
Originally Posted by Firefighter 
... Our daughter survived a childhood ... Either she is the best at detachment as I've ever seen or she's keeping it bottled up....
Originally Posted by Firefighter
... If this seems familiar, how did you cope? ...
Originally Posted by Firefighter
... How do I make sure she's really ok with all this?...
That is, if she _chooses_ to tell you. She is an adult now, she may decide _not_ to tell you, or maybe tell you next year, or after graduation, etc. etc. Whatever she decides, you can best be supportive of her by respecting her choice and treating her like an adult.
I helped raise a young woman some years ago, and there were moments when I did not do so well in respecting her as an adult. Many years before that it was me that was a young adult that survived an alcoholic family. Had my parents _ever_ treated my like an adult once I became one, _ever_ respected my choices as I stumbled my way into maturity, it would have made a huge difference in my life.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 168
My sister and I both grew up living with the same life with our parents, an alcoholic/co-dependent father and a co-dependent mother. I find this a bit humorous, as she and I were both affected by it in strongly different ways. Keep in mind I took the brunt of my dad's emotional abuse; I was on the 'front lines' so to speak.
From a young age of about 10, I became really aggressive in my house. I was quiet outside the house (in school, etc) although I would lash out if I was 'pushed'. I graduated on time, and had plans to go to college but when it came time to apply, I was too scared and decided I wanted a year off (partying was easier than going to college). In the end, I bought a condo because my dad had helped lay the groundwork for me, and right now I'm in recovery for an opiate/benzo addiction (27 days clean), and depression/suicidal ideation as I almost off'd myself in April.
My sister, grew up in what I later found out was 'my shadow'. She had a harder time in school than I did, and although she had more friends than I did, dropped out in Gr. 10. She began experimenting with drugs, and at 17 became pregnant by a guy we never thought we'd see ever again. Eventually she developed an opiate addiction that she's now trying to quit; as for the guy, I can't say the same, but he's sadly still around.
I would suggest reading Adult Children of Alcoholics. Full of good information.
From a young age of about 10, I became really aggressive in my house. I was quiet outside the house (in school, etc) although I would lash out if I was 'pushed'. I graduated on time, and had plans to go to college but when it came time to apply, I was too scared and decided I wanted a year off (partying was easier than going to college). In the end, I bought a condo because my dad had helped lay the groundwork for me, and right now I'm in recovery for an opiate/benzo addiction (27 days clean), and depression/suicidal ideation as I almost off'd myself in April.
My sister, grew up in what I later found out was 'my shadow'. She had a harder time in school than I did, and although she had more friends than I did, dropped out in Gr. 10. She began experimenting with drugs, and at 17 became pregnant by a guy we never thought we'd see ever again. Eventually she developed an opiate addiction that she's now trying to quit; as for the guy, I can't say the same, but he's sadly still around.
I would suggest reading Adult Children of Alcoholics. Full of good information.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
I doubt anyone is ever 'really ok' with this. And keep in mind, very few people have an ideal childhood. We all have things we end up needing to deal with, cope with, bad memories, unpleasant events, traumas of varying degrees.
I left for college at 17, and anyone looking would have thought I was okay. I thought I was okay for the most part. The following summer, my dad threatened so often to kick me out that I finally packed up and left. I filed legal paperwork to be declared financially independent of my parents (required affidavits from family members affirming there was a problem and I was really independent), got financial aid based on my own income, and continued college as if nothing had happened. My professor/advisor actually called me in for a meeting with a group of the department professors one day and they all expressed concern that I was 'on such an even keel' all the time. I'd had a trauma, they said, I shouldn't be, and they were worried.
Nonetheless, the even keel continued. I simply had no respect for my dad, I read a few self-help books, went about my business, graduated with my class, and went on to do well in my chosen field and raise good kids.
Who knows, maybe had he changed his ways then, things would have been okay. In some ways, I think maybe the real problem is that he never did. When I was 23, and the mother of two young children, he threw me on a bed and tried to choke me. I moved across the country--smartest thing I ever did.
I moved back 12 years later--stupidest thing I ever did--thinking he'd changed.
And lo and behold, here I am, surrounded by toxic people, seeing finally, clearly, how the toxicity spreads and affects everyone in the family, finally understanding dynamics I couldn't see then.
So is your daughter okay? Maybe in some sense she is. Her chances of being okay and/or staying sort of okay and/or continuing life well are better if she has one grounded, loving, respectful parent (I have two screwed up nutcases) who respects her, helps her, loves her, builds her up, and encourages her, and better yet if her mother is in recovery, changes her behavior, and better yet, apologizes and makes amends.
I left for college at 17, and anyone looking would have thought I was okay. I thought I was okay for the most part. The following summer, my dad threatened so often to kick me out that I finally packed up and left. I filed legal paperwork to be declared financially independent of my parents (required affidavits from family members affirming there was a problem and I was really independent), got financial aid based on my own income, and continued college as if nothing had happened. My professor/advisor actually called me in for a meeting with a group of the department professors one day and they all expressed concern that I was 'on such an even keel' all the time. I'd had a trauma, they said, I shouldn't be, and they were worried.
Nonetheless, the even keel continued. I simply had no respect for my dad, I read a few self-help books, went about my business, graduated with my class, and went on to do well in my chosen field and raise good kids.
Who knows, maybe had he changed his ways then, things would have been okay. In some ways, I think maybe the real problem is that he never did. When I was 23, and the mother of two young children, he threw me on a bed and tried to choke me. I moved across the country--smartest thing I ever did.
I moved back 12 years later--stupidest thing I ever did--thinking he'd changed.
And lo and behold, here I am, surrounded by toxic people, seeing finally, clearly, how the toxicity spreads and affects everyone in the family, finally understanding dynamics I couldn't see then.
So is your daughter okay? Maybe in some sense she is. Her chances of being okay and/or staying sort of okay and/or continuing life well are better if she has one grounded, loving, respectful parent (I have two screwed up nutcases) who respects her, helps her, loves her, builds her up, and encourages her, and better yet if her mother is in recovery, changes her behavior, and better yet, apologizes and makes amends.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
First of all, I admire you for caring enough about your child to get a program of recovery and want to be a good father. I would give anything for my parents to come out of denial and attend a meeting.
Very few parents know how to pass down spiritual principles to their children. That's why the world is getting sicker. But we can change that as you are doing. In other words, you are not alone. forgive yourself.
Alanon is excellent for the questions you have.
I went through the 12 steps and made amends to my family members. Once that was done I had to allow them the dignity to make their own choices. Either they would choose recovery or not.
All I can do is pray for them. I am not God. I cannot drag anyone into recovery and Step 1 in Alanon is about understanding that. I am powerless over others and when I try to control them my life becomes unmanageable.
I ask God on my knees, "God, have mercy on my mother. Have mercy on my father. Have mercy on my brother. Have mercy on his wife." In other words, I ask God to bring these loved ones to Him. In HIS way, in HIS time.
This is intercessory prayer.
When a child of God does intercessory prayer, it is an incredibly powerful thing.
Never think it doesn't work. Never doubt Him. He does in fact exist and He is all-powerful while we are not.
I love you, God loves you and you are not alone.
Trust Him to do His job while you do yours.
-BWM
Very few parents know how to pass down spiritual principles to their children. That's why the world is getting sicker. But we can change that as you are doing. In other words, you are not alone. forgive yourself.
Alanon is excellent for the questions you have.
I went through the 12 steps and made amends to my family members. Once that was done I had to allow them the dignity to make their own choices. Either they would choose recovery or not.
All I can do is pray for them. I am not God. I cannot drag anyone into recovery and Step 1 in Alanon is about understanding that. I am powerless over others and when I try to control them my life becomes unmanageable.
I ask God on my knees, "God, have mercy on my mother. Have mercy on my father. Have mercy on my brother. Have mercy on his wife." In other words, I ask God to bring these loved ones to Him. In HIS way, in HIS time.
This is intercessory prayer.
When a child of God does intercessory prayer, it is an incredibly powerful thing.
Never think it doesn't work. Never doubt Him. He does in fact exist and He is all-powerful while we are not.
I love you, God loves you and you are not alone.
Trust Him to do His job while you do yours.
-BWM
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
My family of origin was bigger, and two of my sisters were completely ok with my alcoholic parents beating the rest of us, not them. They have grown up successfully and had families of their own which they love and are loved back, BUT with no connection to the rest of us because of their denial. They just can't handle it, and blame us for being "brats".
The brain does what it has to to survive.
The brain does what it has to to survive.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
It wasn't my siblings job to protect me. That would have meant more codependency.
Usually siblings feel tremendous guilt if they felt they couldn't protect their siblings in childhood.
Millions of people were abused as children and now as adults we have the choice of going through the 12 steps and now blaming others.
This included having solid boundaries for our lives today.
Usually siblings feel tremendous guilt if they felt they couldn't protect their siblings in childhood.
Millions of people were abused as children and now as adults we have the choice of going through the 12 steps and now blaming others.
This included having solid boundaries for our lives today.
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