My Mom is a prescription pill addict... I'm lost...
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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My Mom is a prescription pill addict... I'm lost...
In advance I want to say I'm so, so, so sorry for this being such a long and serious first post. I've never talked to anyone about this issue before and I typed this all out with my heart on my sleeve. 
I could use a little guidance or wisdom, or even just someone to tell me that I will be okay and so will my mom. I just need a shoulder, please.
My mom is so loving, compassionate, gentle and free. She was a child and a teenager in the 1970s and has always been a bit of a "hippie" in her adult life. She will tell anyone and everyone that weed is a drug of love and happiness, and that pot should be legalized and alcohol banned. It's kind of hilarious, really. People think that she's just the cute stoner lady across the street, but in fact, she has two other, perhaps much more harmful drugs of choice that have lead to ongoing problems in our life: benzodiazepines and opiate painkillers.
She'll pop any pill that she can get, but her favorites are benzos and opioids. She takes bottle after bottle to the point where she's often wobbling, slurring her speech and acting a fool by 1 PM. It was always just sort of an unspoken issue within my family, and I, as an only child, just learned to live with it and shut my trap. My mom loved me and cared for me and that's all that mattered. Sure, she would pass out at 6PM on the couch with a lit cigarette and burn holes in the carpet or my favorite bathrobe. That was okay because she was a good mom in every other aspect.
It didn't matter that she spent a lot of our money on her drugs or that we often moved towns and even states so that she could supply herself with new doctors after burning all her bridges. She's nearly almost killed us both in several "fender-benders", one of which happened when I was 9 and nearly ended with her and me hitting a large tree going 60 MPH. Luckily, we went into a clearing and bypassed the tree by several feet. None of that matters, though- she loves me and tries.
Last year it stopped being our problem and became the worlds' danger. She began taking copious quantities of benzodiazepine pills and then found herself all out of the drug. She would quit cold turkey while in search of more. Mom began having what I've come to know as withdrawal seizures due to her quitting cold turkey and not tapering from the drug. The first time I witnessed one it was one of the scariest moments of my life. It was in January of this year and I was 19 years old but I swear I felt like a child when it happened. It horrified me.
We were chatting and enjoying ourselves while watching Breaking Bad. She stopped talking altogether and stared at the TV blankly for a minute, then her eyes rolled back and all I could see were whites. Her entire body began convulsing and her face turned an ugly reddish purple. Her teeth were clenched and I was certain she'd bite off her own tongue! She even lost control of her bladder during the seizure. There I was, all alone and sitting over her sobbing, trying to roll her to her side gently and talk to the 911 operator all at once. After a few minutes of violent shaking and our coffee table being completely knocked over by her seizing, she stopped and went slack and unconscious. Her breathing was so shallow. At that moment I thought she had died on me.
The ambulance came and she went to the hospital where they exhausted every scan, test and questionnaire that they could possibly attempt. She was physically fine and they had no clue as to what could've brought on a grand mal seizure in someone with no history of convulsions. She fessed up and told my father and me. She'd been having these seizures for a couple years due to benzo withdrawal. I was shocked and felt a whirlwind of emotions, but ultimately it ended in short-lived peace for me. Everything would be okay, I thought, because she's finally talking about her addiction and the consequences of it- she'll go to rehab now and get off the pills and be a real person!
That never happened. She spent 2 days in rehab and hauled ass out of there because she couldn't hack it. She has had two more seizures in front of me over the course of the year now and I've been alone to witness them both. I've also been around to hold her down afterward to keep her from getting up and walking in a stunned seizure daze. Once, she became violent and stared at me viciously before scratching my arm full-force with her fingernails during a seizure. I still have scars on my arm from it.
I don't know what to do or where to go. I've honestly considered trying to go to police to get her thrown in jail for this, although I know that would be a cruel and very strange thing to do.
The single most upsetting thought to me is that she could have one of these withdrawal seizures while driving, showering or walking on a flight of stairs. She could drive off a bridge while seizing, or... even worse, hit a car with an innocent family inside and kill them, too. She could kill or seriously harm other people because of her own selfish recklessness. I want to die because of that because in that scenario, I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt or shame. She's just too careless about this and it makes me want to rip my hair out in frustration. What's worse is that my dad enables all of this and always has, despite himself being straight and not addicted to any substances aside from caffeine and cigarettes. Why won't she stop, after all of the arguments, tears, seizures and misery? JUST PLEASE STOP!
What should I do? Is there any solution to this or am I fighting an impossible battle? Thank you so much if you read all of this. Really, thank you for being here for me.
I could use a little guidance or wisdom, or even just someone to tell me that I will be okay and so will my mom. I just need a shoulder, please.My mom is so loving, compassionate, gentle and free. She was a child and a teenager in the 1970s and has always been a bit of a "hippie" in her adult life. She will tell anyone and everyone that weed is a drug of love and happiness, and that pot should be legalized and alcohol banned. It's kind of hilarious, really. People think that she's just the cute stoner lady across the street, but in fact, she has two other, perhaps much more harmful drugs of choice that have lead to ongoing problems in our life: benzodiazepines and opiate painkillers.
She'll pop any pill that she can get, but her favorites are benzos and opioids. She takes bottle after bottle to the point where she's often wobbling, slurring her speech and acting a fool by 1 PM. It was always just sort of an unspoken issue within my family, and I, as an only child, just learned to live with it and shut my trap. My mom loved me and cared for me and that's all that mattered. Sure, she would pass out at 6PM on the couch with a lit cigarette and burn holes in the carpet or my favorite bathrobe. That was okay because she was a good mom in every other aspect.
It didn't matter that she spent a lot of our money on her drugs or that we often moved towns and even states so that she could supply herself with new doctors after burning all her bridges. She's nearly almost killed us both in several "fender-benders", one of which happened when I was 9 and nearly ended with her and me hitting a large tree going 60 MPH. Luckily, we went into a clearing and bypassed the tree by several feet. None of that matters, though- she loves me and tries.
Last year it stopped being our problem and became the worlds' danger. She began taking copious quantities of benzodiazepine pills and then found herself all out of the drug. She would quit cold turkey while in search of more. Mom began having what I've come to know as withdrawal seizures due to her quitting cold turkey and not tapering from the drug. The first time I witnessed one it was one of the scariest moments of my life. It was in January of this year and I was 19 years old but I swear I felt like a child when it happened. It horrified me.
We were chatting and enjoying ourselves while watching Breaking Bad. She stopped talking altogether and stared at the TV blankly for a minute, then her eyes rolled back and all I could see were whites. Her entire body began convulsing and her face turned an ugly reddish purple. Her teeth were clenched and I was certain she'd bite off her own tongue! She even lost control of her bladder during the seizure. There I was, all alone and sitting over her sobbing, trying to roll her to her side gently and talk to the 911 operator all at once. After a few minutes of violent shaking and our coffee table being completely knocked over by her seizing, she stopped and went slack and unconscious. Her breathing was so shallow. At that moment I thought she had died on me.
The ambulance came and she went to the hospital where they exhausted every scan, test and questionnaire that they could possibly attempt. She was physically fine and they had no clue as to what could've brought on a grand mal seizure in someone with no history of convulsions. She fessed up and told my father and me. She'd been having these seizures for a couple years due to benzo withdrawal. I was shocked and felt a whirlwind of emotions, but ultimately it ended in short-lived peace for me. Everything would be okay, I thought, because she's finally talking about her addiction and the consequences of it- she'll go to rehab now and get off the pills and be a real person!
That never happened. She spent 2 days in rehab and hauled ass out of there because she couldn't hack it. She has had two more seizures in front of me over the course of the year now and I've been alone to witness them both. I've also been around to hold her down afterward to keep her from getting up and walking in a stunned seizure daze. Once, she became violent and stared at me viciously before scratching my arm full-force with her fingernails during a seizure. I still have scars on my arm from it.
I don't know what to do or where to go. I've honestly considered trying to go to police to get her thrown in jail for this, although I know that would be a cruel and very strange thing to do.
The single most upsetting thought to me is that she could have one of these withdrawal seizures while driving, showering or walking on a flight of stairs. She could drive off a bridge while seizing, or... even worse, hit a car with an innocent family inside and kill them, too. She could kill or seriously harm other people because of her own selfish recklessness. I want to die because of that because in that scenario, I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt or shame. She's just too careless about this and it makes me want to rip my hair out in frustration. What's worse is that my dad enables all of this and always has, despite himself being straight and not addicted to any substances aside from caffeine and cigarettes. Why won't she stop, after all of the arguments, tears, seizures and misery? JUST PLEASE STOP!
What should I do? Is there any solution to this or am I fighting an impossible battle? Thank you so much if you read all of this. Really, thank you for being here for me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Mercuryforever, Welcome to SR!
I'm just so sorry for what brings you here, but I am glad that you found us.
One of the hardest things that I had to learn....and accept....is that there is nothing I can do to stop someone I love from taking drugs or drinking. That desire to stop has to come from within, when the pain of using is greater than the fear of stopping.
I wish that I could provide you with some magic insight about what you can tell your mother that would get her to realize the self-destructive nature of her actions. But there is no such thing, I'm afraid. Although you can encourage her to get help when you can, please do not place any expectations on her actions.
One thing you can do is protect yourself. You have the right to refuse to spend time with her as long as she is using. It's a boundary that my husband and I set with my stepson.
Others will be along to shrare their ES&H (Experience, Strength, and Hope) soon. Please stick around, make yourself at home, and keep reading all you can. Educating yourself about the nature of addiction really helps.
S
I'm just so sorry for what brings you here, but I am glad that you found us.
One of the hardest things that I had to learn....and accept....is that there is nothing I can do to stop someone I love from taking drugs or drinking. That desire to stop has to come from within, when the pain of using is greater than the fear of stopping.
I wish that I could provide you with some magic insight about what you can tell your mother that would get her to realize the self-destructive nature of her actions. But there is no such thing, I'm afraid. Although you can encourage her to get help when you can, please do not place any expectations on her actions.
One thing you can do is protect yourself. You have the right to refuse to spend time with her as long as she is using. It's a boundary that my husband and I set with my stepson.
Others will be along to shrare their ES&H (Experience, Strength, and Hope) soon. Please stick around, make yourself at home, and keep reading all you can. Educating yourself about the nature of addiction really helps.
S
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome. Are you still living at home? a minor?
Yes the desire to quit has to come from her internally. There isn't much we can do get our parents to be sober aside from praying and hoping. I realized that very early. It took me till I was about 20 to also realize my job was to care about me and take care of myself instead of them. I had to get well and then maybe I could reach out. The angst living with an addicted parent is mind breaking. Deciding to not be an enabler or codependent was hard fought and long to accept for me. But it helped me to become much more emotionally healthy. My Dad kept drinking until he was 80, so I had a lot of practice.
Yes the desire to quit has to come from her internally. There isn't much we can do get our parents to be sober aside from praying and hoping. I realized that very early. It took me till I was about 20 to also realize my job was to care about me and take care of myself instead of them. I had to get well and then maybe I could reach out. The angst living with an addicted parent is mind breaking. Deciding to not be an enabler or codependent was hard fought and long to accept for me. But it helped me to become much more emotionally healthy. My Dad kept drinking until he was 80, so I had a lot of practice.
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