jjj111

Hello my fellow ACOA's! I've been posting for a while on the friends and family of substance abusers board because my sister has an opiate problem, but I'm beginning to realize how much I belong here on the ACOA board, too. My parents were both alchoholics, both dead from the consequences of drinking, and my siblings and I are all struggling with the aftermath of that in our own way.

So my brother has been in a very toxic marriage for over a decade. This woman has attempted suicide multiple times, is delusional. I think she gives my brother about as much drama and heartache as our mother gave us growing up. He called me tonight to tell me that while he was out, his wife became enraged with his daughter and tried to strangle her. My brother seemed to realize that a boundary had been crossed and he needs to separate from his wife while he figures out where to go from here. But then he was wavering, it can wait until morning, his wife does have her good days, etc. He sounded like he is committed to getting her out of the house tomorrow at least. It's just so hard for me to know how to react to all this. I told him that my gut reaction was that he definitely needed to get his daughter away from his wife ASAP and keep her away. I told him to talk to the counselor my niece has been seeing and the school. But what else can I do? I find this exhausting, but I care about my brother and niece and I know my brother didn't have anyone to talk to tonight.

How do other ACOA's manage to balance wanting to be there for siblings with not getting exhausted by their problems??

Kialua

Yeah, good question. When I was younger I was always put in the position to help everyone. But as time wore on, we siblings really separated and have no intimate contact at all. We were all pretty burned out.

I'm glad you are advocating for his kid, and reminding him to rescue her. It is exhausting.

jjj111

Yes, I feel like this is a breaking point for me. There have been terrible problems going on with them for years. He admitted tonight that it's worse than I knew, that CPS has been involved for a while. If he doesn't make a change now, I am either going to have to detach completely, call CPS, or both! I feel like I can't let my niece stay in a situation where my niece is being assaulted. I mean, strangling--that's attempted murder, as far as I'm concerned! But at the same time, I'm not sure how far I'm willing to get dragged into the drama. Sigh.

wifeofanACoA

Well, if a teacher in a school knows about a situation where a child is being abused then that teacher is required by law to let the proper authorities know about it asap. You are this child's relative - tell someone who can do something. Attempted murder is right, this child should be given the opportunity to be safe. Call the school, something. But don't think you're not involved - because the moment we are CERTAIN about physical assault then you are involved.
I am sorry that the situation is so bad but if your niece's father cannot help her then this poor girl is going to get more of this.

jjj111

Thanks, wifeofanACOA. The more I think about this, the more I feel I have to report it. I will talk to my brother tomorrow, and if he has not reported itself, I am going to have to do it. I can't leave my niece in this situation without doing all I can to get her out of it. I'm so sick of family drama, but I do feel like in this situation it's different because there is an innocent kid involved.

NWGRITS

The only times I ever advocate getting involved are when children are involved, and when the A is driving drunk. Other than that, I'm of the Hands-Off camp. Absolutely speak up for your niece. This *is* something that we can help put an end to. I wish you the best of luck.

jjj111

Well, I called my brother just now to see whether he followed through on reporting what happened to the counselor and moving his wife out of the house, and he had totally backtracked on the plan. He said that now his wife claims she only lunged at my niece and didn't actually try to choke her, and that my niece is lying, and my brother says he doesn't know who to believe. He says his wife will stay in the house and he will just keep his wife and daughter separated. So I told him I feel like I have to call CPS. I guess I could have just filed an anonymous complaint, but I guess I wanted him to know how seriously I take this, and I also figured he might guess it was me anyway. He says he is afraid to lose his daughter, but I doubt that would happen unless he is also doing abusive things too that I don't know about. (He does have a history of anger issues.) Now I just have to get up the courage to call, ugh. On the one hand I feel like I should do it tonight because I'm afraid that things will get worse when he tells his wife that I'm calling CPS. But on the other hand, I kind of want to give him a day to go to them himself before I call. I mean, I would call either way, but it might be better for him if he called first. Sigh. Anyway, thanks for your support and replies!