maxine1

Hi guys, where do I start! I gave up contact with my dad about 10 years.ago as I couldn't handle the hurt that goes hand in hand with a drug addict. He was violent to my mum when my brother and I were younger and had his moments with us which is why one day it went to far and we finally left and lived in a womans refuge for a while, I stayed in contact and would see him from.time to time when he wasnt to wasted, but eventually the visits got less and when he did come he would be angry I was terrified of him, that was it I was done. I am now 23 and I have got mixed emotions towards him, I love him hes my dad, but I hate him because hes my dad and not the type of dad I had hoped for. I recently heard rumours he was dead which turned out not to be true, I was a mess for those few hours, maybe I could have helped him? Maybe if I gave him my time and love he could have changed? I felt asthough I had led him to this unfortunate end? I feel like the most selfish person in the world not helping him. I can now rectify these feelings as it was a rumour but I just cant bring myself to do anything. .. please someone help my mind is all over the place I cant make this decision myself im so broken

kudzujean

If you're terrified of him, I'd say you're wise to stay away from him.

" I feel like the most selfish person in the world not helping him. "

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

overit263

Noooooo you are not selfish! It's self preservation/protection. I had to cut my alcoholic parents off with only communication via email. Now I'm divorcing a relapsed addict. Boy does that sound bad when you type it...

I tried years ago to have a relationship with my parents again, and it just hadn't changed at all. Very disappointing but you find other friends to replace family members.

Kialua

You can have forgiveness and pity for him that doesn't involve putting yourself at risk. I guess that is why I pray, prayer serves a purpose for me to be caring and hoping without exposing myself to risk until I see that it is safe.

NWGRITS

I haven't spoken to my AM in over a year. She's not doing anything any differently than when I was around. Not my monkey, not my circus. If love saved addicts, none of us would be here, and I wouldn't be in therapy figuring out just how screwed up I really am. You didn't do anything to your father. His choices are HIS alone, and the consequences are HIS to bear. Guilt is a learned behaviorz and we ACoA are really, really good at it. You don't share any responsibility for your father. None.

maxine1

Thankyou all so much for your kind words and advice, I guess I just have to deal with my conscience if I want a pain free easy life, whats the alternative? Spending all my adult years trying to fix something I didn't break? Damn lifes a bitch!! Heart goes out to everyone who is an addict or who are dealing with one, your such inspirational people xxx

NWGRITS

Yep, life sure sucks sometimes. But I've learned to start taking responsibility for my part in my situation, and leave the past in the past. Continuously getting angry or throwing a pity party for poor lil old me isn't going to do a bit of good. I was dealt a sh*tty hand in life, but I have the choice to make the future better. So that's what I'm doing. Or trying to do, anyway.

makomago

COnventional wisdom might suggest that you have (in fact) already helped him by not enabling him. Your very natural and understandable desire and need to self preservation is possibly the only thing that can work for someone trapped in the sickness of addiction (drugs or drug alcohol) i.e. by not being a part of his life YOU are not (unwittingly) responsible for his continuing addiction problems.

It is not selfish to want to avoid situations that are harmful or painful, it is natural IMO. The guilt that accompanies it is understandable too but it his addiction or happiness is not your responsibility.

Its sad that you're experiencing this. I hope you find a way of coming to terms with it; ACoA has been mentioned.... It makes sense to me to avail yourself of all services available. Maybe ACoA Solution is something for you?

Good luck

M

mrschoices

I went through AA's Big Book process and also did some work in Alanon after that.

The way I deal with my alcoholic father is by not saving him and playing God.

However I do have a line of communication open with the family. They're all very sick (some of them drink or use). The contact is very small right now because rather than them blaming me, I want I allow them the dignity of making their own choices (recovery or not.)

It's mail only. Cards at holidays and birthdays from me and small gifts.

My job as a woman in recovery is to do Gods will. That means I let them know I love them but I also Live and Let Live.

Later on it might change, I don't know.
I don't have to figure it out right now, I just have to do what's best today - and I can only know what that is by developing a relationship with God and knowing a Him better.

My job is to do my own work and heal from my own defects and problems.

maxine1

What is acoca? I used to have contact with my dads side of the family but they would set up meetings with my dad when I wasnt aware and too young to do much about it so I stopped seeing them. We did contact via social networking every blue moon but she wouldn't tell me anything about how he was unless I was willing to see him so now we have no contact what so ever, I have a cousin who helped me find out if he had pased away or not but he doesn't see him he had to contact my nan. Your all so kind thankyou all for your help and support xxxx

feeling-good

AC0A - Adult Children of Alcoholics

I hope you are able to get some resolution in your mind and heart. :-)

Thoughtful2

Hi Maxine1

I am so sorry you are going through and have gone through this in your short life.
I am no one to give advice right or wrong
All I can say to you is you are not responsible fir another persons actions whoever they are. We can't expect people to be the way we want especially our own parents. My dad had problem with drink all my life I remember feeling guilty too.
But it's taken me an ex alcoholic boyfriend to realise I am not responsible.
You need to have faith in yourself and lift yourself up you are on no way to blame.
You have been through enough don't let your fathers addiction bring you down anymore.
Be strong xx