I need to get this out and see if anyone has any advice. My family treats me like crap, have for years. Whether I deserve it or not is another issue, but I think their reluctance to stop is long since overdue. They are very blatant about it, they show no remorse or guilt for their behavior. They almost take pride in it. This makes it doubly insulting and offensive. The worst part is, they expect me to spend time with them. This makes it triply offensive. If you keep kicking someone, they're not going to want to come around. If you kick them and expect them to keep coming around, what does that make you? An awful person?

It makes complete sense to those enmeshed in dysfunctional families. Mine operates that way. I used to play the game until I hit my bottom with them, and decided I wanted off the merry-go-round. See, that's where most people get it backwards. We can't make THEM stop. We have to take action to make OURSELVES stop participating. Once you make the choice to find recovery and get yourself healthy, life starts getting better.

That's what I'm working on, NW. The more I pull away, the more they try to pull me in. It's like the enjoy the dysfunction. Somehow it benefits them, makes them feel superior at my expense. Thanks a lot family, but no thanks.

Thanks for sharing, NW

Wow, double checking, do I have a split personality and I came here and wrote this and don't remember???

I'm still trying to disentangle my mind and emotions from The Letter I received three weeks ago. Same thing--over the years, it's been yelling, insults, name-calling, swearing, telling me they don't like me, I'm annoying, throwing boots at me!!???? (seriously? That was a younger sibling, but we're NOT talking when she was a kid), choking, slapping my kids in front of me, screaming rages at me over holiday dinner....

...and the 'apology' I got was, "I'm sorry...but you have to admit your part in it." (Uh, no, actually, by your 40s, you ought to be able to get through a meal without breaking into a red in the face screaming rage hissy fit, and if you do, you ought to be able to say, 'Wow, I'm sorry, I was stressed.')

...and I was informed that I deserved it.

....and now they're mad at me that I don't want to spend time with them?

It truly baffles me, from any rational standpoint. If I'm really that 'annoying' and that much of a trial to them, they ought to be grateful I'm not inflicting myself on them anymore. Why in the world would they want me there?

Whew! So...welcome to the club, I guess.

This is what happens here. The letter I referred to was yet another attempt to pull me back in.

I imagine some of our very wise members will chime in, but the Scapegoat is a vital part of the family system. If the Screwup Who Causes All the Family Problems isn't there...then what? Who do they blame it on when they still have problems? There's a real danger someone might come to the uncomfortable realization that maybe other people in the family have done a few things that need to be looked at, too. As long as they can keep the focus on the supposed problem child, nothing has to change.

It's a delicate balancing act, and we upset the balance by backing out of our assigned role.

One of my favorite things about being an adult is that with the exception of my job, I get to decide who I spend time with, and for how long.

I don't really GAF what anyone thinks about it either. Including the oh so "important" and "special" dysfunctional family members.

I'm with DB on this one. Have your own celebration and leave them to their dyfunctional mess. EveningRose's "scapegoat" theory seems right on here--don't get "guilted" into buying into the drama.

I suggest you be polite, distant, but absolutely firm in declining any family functions you don't want to join in. They will get used to it over time and maybe they will see the problems are still there, with or without you.

Most importantly, their opinions are not facts. Don't internalize their BS. You are a good and loving person and don't let their meaness get to your heart.

You all are really hitting the nail on the head with this. I think the root of it with my family is they don't understand we live in a free country. If I don't want to come, I don't have to come. Period. They think they can team up on me and make me do what I don't want to do. It is an insult to me and ,personally, everyone who's ever fought for the country. I'm actually not kidding about that. The gloves are coming off. They need a history lesson.

Sorry, I may have gone off on a tangent with that last post. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me. Trying to work on that, lol. I need to deal with this in a rational manner.

Nope. You aren't being inappropriate at all.

The word NO. its really powerful, and once you get used to using it, its amazingly simple, effective and leaves zero room for debate. Feels really good, despite the anxiety leading up to saying no, when you realize how easy it really is.

Through the 12 steps I looked at my part, cleaned it up, stopped doing things to feed into their insanity or create any of my own with them and used Alanon tools to set boundaries (out of love, not punishment.)

Then i continue working on who I became with my own patterns and my other relationship problems and start really healing. I use AAs Big Book, some Alanon and some ACA. It's a lot of work and it takes time but it's worth it.

For now I highly suggest reading Hope For Today to get some tools and going to whatever meetings you feel are right for your program of recovery.