capersnlox

THIS DID NOT HAVE TO HAPPEN. She could have stopped it. She could have taken one step into rehab, went to one AA meeting. Done something. I'm sorry, I do not feel the same way as if she died from cancer. I don't care if it is a disease. She showed up DAYS after I'd given birth, expecting me to take care of her, just dropping her illness in my lap like a surprise. Here you go! Guess what? I can't help you with your new baby and special needs child. I'm dying, and I did it to myself! Congratulations on the new baby! Now you get to focus on nothing but me, because I'm dead, instead of enjoying your baby and allowing him to have your full presence. You don't get to grieve, because a kid on the autistic spectrum and a baby don't allow you to.

I envision her STILL arguing with me, not letting me have a right to have any feelings about what she did to herself. Because she has feelings about it herself, and she doesn't need to deal with mine on top of hers. So she gets pissed at me.

There's just no resolution. No real goodbyes. How do I never talk to her again? How did she choose the booze over me? Why didn't she try to actually DEAL with her feelings and issues instead of drowning them? This is the foreseeable result of what she did her whole life!

Is this fair? Is this fair to me? I say no. No, it's not. She screwed herself up and now she's gone and I'm the one that's left here to deal with it emotionally. She got to check out.

Kialua

No it's not fair, and we understand that.

Theophania

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I am sorry that you are left behind to pick up the pieces. Have you sought a grief counsellor? How you are feeling is normal but you need to be supported through this tough time. Take comfort in your beautiful family you have created.

Mags1

You're bound to be annoyed, hurt, frustrated!

Alcohol makes us so selfish, consumes us, eats away at us, like there is no one else that matters. There are no excuses for it, I'm not trying to justify it and the actions of a drunk.

It isn't fair she copped out on you, why couldn't she be like other people and enjoy your most precious gifts, you have a beautiful new baby and child who very much need you and love you.
Please, try not to let these feelings consume you, poison your mind. Grieve for her, pity her, shout at her for not being there. All the years she will miss, your beautiful children growing up, she has lost that precious gift and didn't even realise what she had.
Life isn't fair, it stinks sometimes.
My thoughts and love go with you.

Gabby31674

I have been lurking here for a while and your post is the first I have replied to. Both my parents were As and my mother passed just last year. Both died of the disease and I am just now starting to deal with how angry I am and feeling quilts about my anger.

Impurrfect

I'm responding as both a recovering codependent (codie), a recovering addict (RA) and someone who just lost my 2nd mama to addiction (my biological mom was not an A, she had rheumatic heart disease).

I found her, on the floor. I screamed for dad, I tried CPR but I quickly realized it was too late (Iwas an RN for 12 years until I lost that career to addiction).

I'm angry, I'm grieving, and all kinds of emotions. She and I didn't get along, the last several months because of her addiction. Dad chose to stick his head in the sand and ignore it. I grieve because I remember when she didn't abuse meds. I'm mad as hell because she left her granddaughter, who she and dad raised since age 1 (her mom died in a car wreck, her dad is a A back in jail).

I know it's not exactly an ACOA relationship, but I feel like it is.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but anger is one of the stages of grief, and I go in and out of it.

I suggest you keep checking in here and read former posts. This thread has helped me, tremendously.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Eddiebuckle

I had to remove my mother from life support as a result of her disease. My sister gave birth to her first child the week my mother died. We tried interventions, rehab, she went to AA for a while, but ultimately she drank herself to death. I hated her for who she became, the pain she caused my family, and never understood why my father put up with her for all those years.

My less than healthy drinking escalated from that point for another ten years, until I could not deny that I had become everything about her that I despised. Alcoholics drink out of delusion and ultimately despair. It is not a conscious choice, but the by product of avoidance of pain. Whether these pains were significant, real, justified or not is immaterial; to the alcoholic it is all they know, and the only solution to their drinking related problems is to drink more.

I have come to a place of compassion for my mother, and sadness that she lacked the faith and fortitude to change her life. In a perverse sense she is the one who showed me what I needed to do to get sober: I did the opposite of what she did. I didn't hide from my flaws, I accepted that I could never have "just one", and I didn't trivialize the disease or my inability to beat it. I pray that she has found peace, and I remember and honor the good that she brought to my life. My mother was deeply flawed, but her flaws did not eradicate her positive qualities. It took me fourteen years to get from that point to where I am now. Time does heal all wounds, but there will always be scars. That is the price for loving someone so human.

Capers, I am sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself, and be the mother your children need and deserve. Anger will yield to grieving, grieving to acceptance, and acceptance to peace.

capersnlox

Eddiebuckle, that was beautifully, beautifully written, and so wise. I believe that you are right. I had therapy today and my therapist was discouraging me from going around and around in circles in my brain about the whole thing. She wanted me to accept that my Mom is gone. I don't know how to get there. It's been just 3 weeks. I still yearn for her, and I'm still angry that she wouldn't try something. But I never truly believed that she had the strength or the will to get sober. I just don't know how to accept any of this and stop raging against it. I feel like she could have made a different choice at some point, done the harder thing. She used to watch sop operas a lot "for fantasy escapism", she said. But what WASN'T fantasy escapism, for her? I feel like I deserved more from her. I'm an adult, but I'm still her daughter, and I still needed/need her.

Eddiebuckle

Capers, I know what you mean. It doesn't matter how old you are, your parents will in some way always represent ultimate security. Losing that security is brutal, and only time and reflection will ease it.

The thing that held me back was that my feelings came from the perspective that by drinking my Mother chose to be an alcoholic, and by continuing to drink she chose to abandon her family. The reality is messier - alcoholics do not have choice in the sense that "normal" people understand the word. It often takes the alcoholic coming face to face with the death/abstinence dilemma to chose abstinence. I had to come to that place to get sober - and as insane as it sounds, the choice wasn't a no-brainer. My mother either never recognized when she was at that crossroads, or was too consumed by fear and guilt to take the leap of faith abstinence requires.

The hardest thing to accept about losing a loved one to this disease is that it never had anything to do with us, it was strictly an inside job. In truth, our healing from the loss is not that different.

Be good to yourself Capers, and know that you are not alone.

capersnlox

It IS about me in that I'm the one left here holding the bag with all of these feelings and trying to process what happened, and she's gone. I'm cleaning up her mess emotionally, and literally: adopting her cats from out of state, paying all of her bills, managing her estate.

I wrote that it had only been 3 weeks, I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to have some kind of Zen attitude about it all already. Is it self-pitying to be sad at this great loss, and to be personally impacted by my mother's choices, whether she had control or not at the end? Yes, it's a disease. And it doesn't make sense that I'm angry, regardless?

From what I understand, grief is a process and acceptance is not the first step. But thank you for your judgment.

DesertEyes

Hello capersnlox, and pleased to "meet" you

Been there, done that. My alchoholic father, uncle and aunt all died within a three week period. _I_ got stuck with all the paperwork. Never mind that I had gone no contact some _fifteen_ years prior.

Grief over a parent has to be one of the worst things anybody has to go through. Add "dysfunction" on top of that and I wonder how I ever managed. 3 weeks? The general suggestion around ACoA is that you can take as long as you want to deal with this stuff. Forget the calendar, you heal on _your_ schedule whether it take you 3 years or 3 decades.

Mike

audreyd

Capersnlox, I understand what you are going through. My mother passed away a week ago from an esophageal hemorrhage due to advanced liver disease. It was horrible and I am still stunned. My father is still alive but drinking heavily and grieving terribly. The anger I am experiencing toward him is too much to bear. My mom was a wonderful, beautiful woman who had this terrible disease. I can't fathom that she is gone. And instead of being allowed to grieve in my own way, I have to listen to drunken rambling stories and the memories of my dad. I have been spending time with him since she passed and when I leave, it is with such fear and anger that I feel like I have been through a war.
Last Christmas, she almost died. She was bloated and jaundiced and it was absolutely terrifying. After a hospital stay, she was released with a very strict diet and the order to stop drinking completely, to save what was left of her liver. She wouldn't be put on a transplant list until six months of abstinence from alcohol. And, she got better. It was a miracle! It was like having her back for the first time in years and I was so grateful. It only took two months for her to improve to that level. But then she started slipping. My parents went on a trip for a month and I am sure she was drinking and not following her liver diet (no salt or meat, among other things). Long story short, she declined quickly and passed away. I was blindsided because I had seen her a month before she died and she looked fine. But her body gave out. There are a lot of details about her actual death that I won't go into, but I am very very angry and my father for continuing to drink while she was so sick and for not supporting her in recovery and getting help. I am angry at her for her deep denial about what was happening. I am angry at her for dying and leaving me here to take care of my dad and that she won't be alive to see my kids grow up.
I am trying hard to contain the feelings of anger and just grieve my loss but it is so hard. The anger has no bounds. I miss my mom terribly and I love her so much. Just so angry at both my parents for their stupid drinking.

tromboneliness

That only happens at the really late stages of cirrhosis. My qualifier was at that stage -- I got home from an Al-Anon meeting one night, and my neighbor caught me to say that she had been taken away in an ambulance. She was coughing up blood and fainting, but managed to call 911.

The problem is that even when things are that bad, most alcoholics still won't get it -- it took 5 months at "the Spa" for mine to get healthy. Most of them would rather die than give up booze.

T

capersnlox

Thanks for your replies, guys. I'm so sorry for your loss, audreyd. You are describing how I feel to a T, I can't imagine dealing with another parent who was still drinking. I feel like I need a lot of validation for my anger and it seems like it doesn't really exist...my Mom's gone, so I certainly can't get any from her, and I want it! I want her to say that she was an idiot! And tromboneliness, my Mom definitely would have preferred to die than give up booze, and it's one of the reasons I'm so mad...it's just selfish as hell.

ETA to add bolding.

DoubleDragons

I really, really appreciate you all sharing your stories. My mother is in full blown alcoholism and her denial is stronger than ever. She has had chronic diarrhea for years but refuses to even go near the idea that perhaps alcohol is the cause of it all. It doesn't help that my father talks a good game, but then buys her martinis every single night. My last conversation with her was on Friday morning. She was slurring her words and repeating the same things at 8:30 in the morning. Sometimes I can't even wrap my head around how bad it has gotten. I think I will be like you all, in utter shock when she dies from this, yet I am expecting it.

Eddiebuckle, I so appreciate your story. I have quit drinking out of utter fear of turning into my mother. I don't want to lose the respect of my children and future grandchildren. So, in order to feel better about everything, I have twisted it in my head that my mother loves me so much that she is willing to be a terrible, horrible example so that I would quit drinking and not go down her downward spiral. Silly, I know, but it kind of helps. . .

I really relate to everyone's anger. I accept that addiction is very difficult to overcome. I think I may have been more addicted to alcohol than I thought I was and it has been harder to quit than I thought it would be. Still, it infuriates me that my mother won't even take the step of admitting her drinking is out of control. In my experience, non-recovering alcoholics are among the most childish, selfish people in the world who don't want to do anything "hard." And everyone else is left to pick up the pieces . . . . .

audreyd

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving..and two weeks since my mom's passing. She always had it at her house. My dad is drinking himself into a coma very day starting in the afternoon and is just a mess with grief and guilt. My siblings and I have been taking turns staying with him but we all have our own families and kids and jobs and this can't go on forever. It's hard because I know he keeps replaying what he should have done or could have done..and yes. We do have anger toward him and feel that he bears some responsibility for what happened to Mom. It isn't his fault but he didn't stop drinking and support her after they knew the severity of her liver disease. I love him to pieces but I don't know how much more time we can give him to behave like this even if he is grieving. We are grieving too but having to carry on with life. I am having thanksgiving at my house and I hope he can abstain for the day and let us have a peaceful holiday. We all miss her and getting drunk just makes it worse. I'm not serving any liquor so hopefully he will not bring his own. I don't know next steps but I think I will wait until after the funeral, which is in a week, and then decide what, if anything, we should do about dad's drinking.

capersnlox

It's so hard, because he has to know he's doing himself grave harm by continuing to drink. He is going to have to make the decision on his own to stop. My family spent Thanksgiving at a friends' house. It was ok. I was upset, but we have these small children and I have to do what they need and not fall apart.

Yesterday we bought a Christmas tree . I don't really know what to do with this holiday thing. I've been having some panic attacks. I keep listening to voice mails of my Mom's that I've saved. I'm not sure if that's helping or hurting.