Starting Step 4, Opening that Can of Worms...
Starting Step 4, Opening that Can of Worms...
So, I got my Blueprint for Progress book last night and am starting Step 4 ("Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves..."). I've been avoiding it for months. Who wants to look at themselves and make a brutally honest assessment of their strengths and WEAKNESSES. This is harder than I thought it would be, even though I got the book because I'm ready to start. This is like opening Pandora's box, not knowing what you will find. I don't know if it's harder for us ACoA because we have a whole lifetime of crap to weed through to get to the good stuff, or just because I lived in an I'm Perfect and Always Right and I Have Control of EVERYTHING bubble for so long. Obviously I haven't been in that fantasy land of pain and disaster for all of the time over the past year-ish, and I've made strides in the I Really Can Do It and You Don't Always Have to Open Your Mouth departments, but this is still hard. I don't like putting the spotlight on myself because that means facing reality. Anyway, I don't know if this makes any sense at all, but if anyone would like to share their thoughts on Step 4 as an ACoA, I'd love to hear them!
This is interesting to me because I find it hard to understand. My life was like being run over by a high speed train daily totally out of my control no matter what I did or didn't do or think. "Making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves..." is just something I can't relate to if it refers to any part of my childhood home life. I think I will benefit from others input.
I understand that feeling, Kialua. A couple of years ago I wouldn't have understood the point of doing this, and would have likely gotten angry if someone had asked me to. My life was hell growing up, that's all there is to it. This is going to be a long, slow process. I just browsed through some of the sections of the book and started getting totally overwhelmed. Then I reminded myself that I'm not doing this all at once, there's no deadline, no pressure. But gosh this is hard.
That's exactly how I feel. Well if you figure it out please share. Others have said what we did to survive is so ingrained that we don't see it as a problem, and I get that. It's very hard to see what saved your life as wrong. I guess if it doesn't serve a purpose anymore and I've heard that, but I can't even see if it doesn't serve a purpose. Maybe I have let go of those too long a go to remember.
The word "brutal" is not in the steps Neither is "weaknesses", never mind it being in caps
I don't know about anybody else, the reason it was hard for me is because I got my weaknesses brutally shoved in my face almost every day of my childhood. The whole concept just triggered me all over the place.
What helped me was to do that "inner child" stuff at the same time. Instead of imagining my parents doing the inventory _against_ me, I pictured a seven year old child for whom _I_ am going to do the inventory. Therefore I am going to do it with _extreme_ kindness and gentleness.
The inventory is a list of _skills_ that I have. It is a list of how I use those skills apropriately, sometimes, and how I use them inapropriately other times. It is also a list of what triggers me into the inapropriate use of those skills.
I see it like taking an x-ray of my emotions, to see where they are broken and need mending. The spotlight is _not_ on the patient, it's on the damage that needs repair.
I am not the one that did the breaking. My parents did the damage. I am just the one that gets stuck with doing the repair job. The spotlight is _not_ on me, not at all. I'm the guy that's _holding_ the spotlight and going to illuminate exactly what _they_ messed up so I can get it fixed.
All of which is a bit of self-trickery to get myself "un-triggered" by changing the context of the inventory. I'm re-wording the situation so it is not an examination of my faults, but an examination of the damage done _to_ me by others.
Am I making sense with that? It's hard to explain.
Mike
Thank you for that, Mike. Yes, it makes sense. I realized after reading your post, that my original post was full of the exact ingrained garbage that I'm trying to get rid of. I don't often see myself as feeling things from a triggered perspective, so I appreciate having it pointed out to me. Maybe one day I will be able to catch myself and adjust accordingly.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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I think at one time, I would have been afraid of this (I've never done it.) But at this stage, I would find it reaffirming to realize there's lots of good stuff there. I would imagine all of us growing up heard lots of bad things about ourselves from our parents. I would see this inventory as a way of balancing that out, taking a more realistic look.
We all have plenty of good in us, but are often unable to see it due to our backgrounds.
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