Mom died 3 days ago from alcoholism

Old 11-01-2013, 10:46 AM
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Yes, I did think that what she said about it being possibly the last time we saw each other was a manipulation. That was how I took it at the time. I also think she knew she was going to go home and drink herself to death and it would be the last time.

She and I were just so incredibly close. We talked every day up until the last few months when she almost completely avoided my phone calls-in part because she was angry at me for getting upset with her and in part because she was drinking and knew she shouldn't have been and I was telling her to go to treatment. She told her friends she wasn't talking to me because I kept bugging her to go.

We were so close, I don't know how to live without her. I just want to wither away. I don't want to go on. I have to because my boys need me. I wish they didn't so I didn't have to go on. I feel severely depressed. Yes, my psychiatrist knows. No, I'm not going to harm myself. I just don't want to be here.
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Old 11-01-2013, 01:39 PM
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Oh, sweetheart. I know that your pain is so raw right now, and that everything seems so hopeless. Please keep talking to your psychiatrist and to us. There is nothing, NOTHING you could have done. You couldn't force her into treatment, you couldn't make her quit drinking. You couldn't even force any other medical intervention on het unless she was declared legally incapacitated. She seemed to know exactly what she was doing. More than likely, she hid a lot of stuff from you that you probably don't know about. Yes, you were close, but she would only tell you what you wanted to hear. Think about that for a moment. She did NOT want help. Period. That was a choice she made, and no one could have changed the situation. The disease of alcoholism leaves nothing but chaos in its wake, and like suicide, the families are stuck with the burden of the person's illness after the fact. It's not fair to anyone left behind. But just know that this is not your fault. Your mother wanted this, hard as it is to accept. But once you do, things will start moving along, little by little. (((Hugs)))
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Old 11-01-2013, 04:01 PM
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How much do you know about codependency? It may help a great deal for you to read up about it and realize that what you are experiencing may not even be guilt but just codependency.

Here is a post from the stickies above about guilt, have you read it yet?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-guilt.html

Here is one on codependency
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependency.html

But the most important thing you have to do is relax and give it time, this is a blow on top of postpartum. Realize with your brain that you will live and be happy even though your heart is hurting. Write it out on sticky notes and place around your home. Remind yourself you will get through this and you will thrive.
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Old 11-01-2013, 04:40 PM
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Oh definitely, I'm codependent, and that guilt stickie resonates with me as well. I don't know why I feel like an infant who has lost her mother.
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Old 11-01-2013, 05:05 PM
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Capers, I am so sorry for your loss. My mom is getting consumed by her addiction to alcohol, too. It is so painful to watch someone whom you love self destruct and feel like we can only watch with our hands tied behind our backs. I think I have come to terms with losing my mom to alcoholism some day if she never wakes up from her denial but I am sure it will still feel like a shock if it happens. I have decided to make my mom's problem a gift of love to her family by being an example of what I never want to become as a mother or a grandmother. I have twisted it in my mind that my mom is sacrificing for my sister and I so that we will use her example as a way to stop the family legacy of alcoholism. I have been sober for 34 days and my mom's problem has been my biggest motivator to stay sober.

Sending love peace and prayers to you and your family!
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Old 11-01-2013, 06:13 PM
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Capers, even elderly people who have grandchildren who have lost their parents have said that they feel like orphans when it happens. When my friend lost both of her parents in the same year said she ran around asking "for the adults" to come help. She is in her forties. Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are God's built-in release valves for us.
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Old 11-05-2013, 05:16 PM
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I'm still not doing very well. I keep coming back and re-reading all of your responses to me here. I'm just in shock that she's gone. I can't fathom how you would keep drinking when you have been told repeatedly that it's going to kill you. It was about 4 months between her first diagnosis of stage 2 cirrhosis and her death. It was so senseless. During the last 4 months she basically didn't answer my phone calls and would never return the messages I left for her, because she was too busy drinking herself to death and told her friends she didn't want to hear me bug her to go to rehab. And now I'm left without a Mom.
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Old 11-05-2013, 06:32 PM
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The disease is stronger than any of us non-addicts can ever possibly understand. Your mother wasn't even in the same universe as you when all of this was happening. They don't live in the real world. Trying to look at this with reason and rationale doesn't work, because addiction is unreasonable and irrational.
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Old 11-05-2013, 09:08 PM
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Yes the disease is stronger than we can fathom. I'm glad you keep coming back and reading. Have you read all the stickies yet? They help as well. But time will help you in particular. Please be patient and give it time. You might not have a mom but you are a mom. Be a good mom for your babies so they don't have to feel what you are feeling now.
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