Letter from AF

Old 10-24-2013, 03:10 PM
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Letter from AF

I can't even bring myself to use the word 'father.' We all know what AF means.

I'm just rolling my eyes...been there, done that, had that conversation, know his answer to anything I can possibly say.

And I also feel sick to my stomach because it just reinforces that this is the family narrative, I'm the rotten apple yet they all try so hard to love me, anyway.

It was a two page typewritten letter asking over and over why I'm doing all these awful things, outlining all my sins and crimes, against them, my children, my siblings, while telling me all the wonderful things he and the codie 'mother' have done for me all my life, how they're now taking care of my children even, yet this is how I repay them. Toss in more of my sins. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Why? he asks again. We want to solve this, but we don't know what's wrong.

Last time we had this conversation by phone. I told him just some of the ugly, abusive things he's said and done. Hateful, destructive, hurtful words all my life. Physical abuse. He's been to jail for assaulting codie 'mother.' Most recently, he called drunk threatening to come to my work and make a scene if I didn't drop my business call then and there and talk to him, and left a dozen hateful voicemails calling me vulgar names when I didn't talk to him. I was scared to death, as I work in an isolated room one on one with small children.

His response was: "None of it ever happened. So why are you mad?"

I could send him a letter back reiterating these things. Reiterating my very clear memory of a very inappropriate place he took me as a very young child. Guess he thought I wouldn't remember. And I suspect that that incident is why I got labeled a liar, when I told codie 'mother' what happened. I suspect it's that event and/or others that have caused me a lifetime of being branded a liar when I am not. Which has impacted my relationships with everyone in my extended family, I'm starting to suspect.

So...if I say these things again, it only gets me branded more of a liar. Again. Still.

If I say nothing, it's more evidence to them that I'm the trouble maker who won't even answer his heartfelt plea.

His facts aren't even right. He believes I kicked my daughter out of my house. I didn't. And ironic he should have an issue with that, since I finally left home at 18 in the face of his repeated threats to kick me out. But telling him I did no such thing is not going to have any impact whatsoever. It's now in the family narrative, another bad thing I did, and there it shall stay, regardless of the truth of the matter.

I read his letter and understood even more deeply that this is the family narrative, this is what they tell each other and anyone else who listens. I've had people at my church come and tell me some of the garbage they're saying about me. Because they believe it down to their bones.

I've long since come to see that it never ends with an alcoholic family.

The question is once again: how do I deal with it?

I've given the letter to a very close friend. He's of the mind I should answer it in black and white, where AF can have the words to read and re-read, this time.

I don't know.
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Old 10-24-2013, 06:21 PM
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*sigh* I want to come give you a big hug right now, because I know exactly how this plays out. There's no winning here, even when we know the reality of it all. I came to terms with the fact that my AM truly believes her version of events and has no recollection of what really happened. I've gotten similar emails and voicemail, and have had to refrain from lashing out in response, knowing that it would get me nothing but a one-way ticket to Nowheresville. God, but it hurts. It hurts so much to know that a false belief has taken place of the very real, very painful history for so many people. The lies have been repeated so much that everyone adopts them as the truth, and there's no going back. If only we could say our piece and be heard and understood. We deserve the explanations and apologies that we will never get, and they have the audacity to insist that we apologize to them for their delusions. I don't frequent this forum as much as F&F because it touches so many raw nerves and I become heartbroken for all of us all over again.

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Old 10-24-2013, 09:52 PM
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Thank you, NWGrits.

This is just it. There's no winning.

I wouldn't even care if it were 'just' my entire family, parents and siblings. Even extended family. I notice over the last year or two, fewer of them are showing any friendliness at extended gatherings.

I moved out of state for 12 years to get away from my dad (big mistake moving back, couldn't see from a distance that nothing had changed). I'd be fine without them.

But they're sucking my kids into it. Teaching them the family narrative. And he wonders why I don't want my younger kids near him. (He's a pervert, too.)

I gave the letter to a friend who read it and said all sorts of crazy people leapt to mind--Bashir Asad, insisting in the face of overwhelming, hard evidence that he did no such thing. It felt better to know there's someone in the world who see the crazy for what it is.
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Old 10-24-2013, 10:50 PM
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Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
But they're sucking my kids into it. Teaching them the family narrative.
I can handle pretty much anything regarding my FOO at this point, but I am paralyzed with fear when the thought occurs to me that my children could reestablish contact with them. And then everything could go to hell in a handbasket, and there's very little I could do to stop it. I swore I would protect my kids from that craziness, so to think that they could CHOOSE it scares the everloving crap out of me.
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Old 10-25-2013, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS View Post
I can handle pretty much anything regarding my FOO at this point, but I am paralyzed with fear when the thought occurs to me that my children could reestablish contact with them. And then everything could go to hell in a handbasket, and there's very little I could do to stop it. I swore I would protect my kids from that craziness, so to think that they could CHOOSE it scares the everloving crap out of me.
My feelings EXACTLY.

And my older kids are choosing it. Two of them in particular.

I understand it's human nature, when you see a bunch of people who seem normal and healthy, and they're ALL saying the same thing, of course you believe it. I just don't know what the answer is.

My friend keeps reminding me over and over: It's a marathon. The truth wins out in the end. Keep being who you are. Your actions and words will eventually be seen for what they are.

I'm not convinced it's true, unfortunately. I can only resolve myself to knowing that GOD knows the truth, and in the end, His judgment is the only one that matters. In the meantime, it helps a great deal to be reminded that other people see my integrity and worth and see the truth of what's going on.
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Old 10-25-2013, 07:10 PM
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Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
I can't even bring myself to use the word 'father.' We all know what AF means.

I'm just rolling my eyes...been there, done that, had that conversation, know his answer to anything I can possibly say.

And I also feel sick to my stomach because it just reinforces that this is the family narrative, I'm the rotten apple yet they all try so hard to love me, anyway.

It was a two page typewritten letter asking over and over why I'm doing all these awful things, outlining all my sins and crimes, against them, my children, my siblings, while telling me all the wonderful things he and the codie 'mother' have done for me all my life, how they're now taking care of my children even, yet this is how I repay them. Toss in more of my sins. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Why? he asks again. We want to solve this, but we don't know what's wrong.

Last time we had this conversation by phone. I told him just some of the ugly, abusive things he's said and done. Hateful, destructive, hurtful words all my life. Physical abuse. He's been to jail for assaulting codie 'mother.' Most recently, he called drunk threatening to come to my work and make a scene if I didn't drop my business call then and there and talk to him, and left a dozen hateful voicemails calling me vulgar names when I didn't talk to him. I was scared to death, as I work in an isolated room one on one with small children.

His response was: "None of it ever happened. So why are you mad?"

I could send him a letter back reiterating these things. Reiterating my very clear memory of a very inappropriate place he took me as a very young child. Guess he thought I wouldn't remember. And I suspect that that incident is why I got labeled a liar, when I told codie 'mother' what happened. I suspect it's that event and/or others that have caused me a lifetime of being branded a liar when I am not. Which has impacted my relationships with everyone in my extended family, I'm starting to suspect.

So...if I say these things again, it only gets me branded more of a liar. Again. Still.

If I say nothing, it's more evidence to them that I'm the trouble maker who won't even answer his heartfelt plea.

His facts aren't even right. He believes I kicked my daughter out of my house. I didn't. And ironic he should have an issue with that, since I finally left home at 18 in the face of his repeated threats to kick me out. But telling him I did no such thing is not going to have any impact whatsoever. It's now in the family narrative, another bad thing I did, and there it shall stay, regardless of the truth of the matter.

I read his letter and understood even more deeply that this is the family narrative, this is what they tell each other and anyone else who listens. I've had people at my church come and tell me some of the garbage they're saying about me. Because they believe it down to their bones.

I've long since come to see that it never ends with an alcoholic family.

The question is once again: how do I deal with it?

I've given the letter to a very close friend. He's of the mind I should answer it in black and white, where AF can have the words to read and re-read, this time.

I don't know.
Put it in the f890in' shredder. No reply. Ever. That leopard is not changing his spots. Further interaction just wastes time and annoys the pig (as we say around here).

That's all's I got, for advice.

T
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Old 10-25-2013, 09:27 PM
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I think you're right. The urge to defend myself is strong. The urge to give some response so I can't be accused of ignoring his 'effort' is strong. It's frustrating to know that I'll continue to be accused of kicking my daughter out of the house when I didn't. And yet I know no answer will do any good.

I've considered reminding him I already told him why I walked away and he already told me none it happened, and telling him to please go to AA and then maybe we can talk.
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