FeelingGreat

Lotus you are making the best of a horrible situation. Your mother sounds very disturbed.
Just a couple of thoughts that might make things easier in the long run. You're an adult now, so please consider making friendly contact with your relatives again, as an adult, not attached to your mother. You must have cousins and aunties who you could visit occasionally and who would like to hear from you. You don't have to refer to your mother at all, but I bet they have a shrewd idea what's going on.
The other thing is that there may be professional counsellors from within your community who would have a good understanding of the cultural pressures you're under. You might be able to find them through the community association.
Well done for making your plans for the future. This won't last forever.

lotusdreams

I know what you mean. I wished he removed me too...he is weak and had alcohol problems himself, but he cares for me and he is the only one I can actually tell my thoughts to and who will listen. He is also the one who makes sure I eat and he supports me financially too.

lotusdreams

The family from my mother's side lives in another country which is like a 5 hours drive, but they are always fighting with each other. I recently (and also after reading a lot of posts on this forum) came to realize that the family from my mother's side are sort of alcoholics too or had severe problems with alcohol (even her mother). Her father died when she was 14 or something and he used to drink a lot too apparently. My mother had a sister who died when she was 36 years old. She drank a lot too due to marriage problems, but she was the only one who wasn't an aggressive drunk. My mother's elder brother had alcohol problems all his life and would start random fights about money and stuff and my mother's younger sister is sort of the same like my mother. She is the one who taught my mother to drink. She abused her daughter by burning her and stuff and scolded her a lot, apparently she still does. But my cousin moved out with the help of her father and she moved in with her boyfriend. We talk with her husband (my uncle). He lives alone, they didn't divorce. My mother hates my uncle now for no reason and forbids him to come and visit us or she'll kill him she said. Me and my father talk to my uncle and he knows almost everything about her, since his wife is sort of the same.
My father's side relatives are sort of nice. But unfortunately they live in Asia. My father went to visit them a few months back after not seeing them for over 20 years or so. He told them everything and now they know. One of my dad's brothers and his wife call me and my dad regularly and they are worried about me and my future. I really like them and I tell them what's been going on at home. They have 2 children and both of them live abroad. But also in other countries so moving for me at the moment isn't an option, if I finished my studies I could.
I barely know any people from my community, because my mother doesn't go to any birthdays, marriages etc. my father knows most of the people, but they never met me or my mother. She says that they are all bad people and will take advantage of us and come asking for money etc. Maybe I should talk to someone at college? Like a counselor?

FeelingGreat

Hi Lotus, if you can find a counsellor through college, or your community, I think that would be of enormous help to you. You've carried this burden almost by yourself for too long, and it's an amazing feeling to talk to someone who understands.
Can you ask your father to take you to some community gatherings and introduce you to some other people, especially young ones? It's your mother who's crazy, not you, so you have no reason to stay isolated just because that's what she's chosen.
It's great that your father has made contact with his family again and that they are so concerned about you. I know you can't move but you can do something about the isolation. All the best - keep telling us how you're going.

DoubleDragons

Lotus, I just want to offer you hope that once you get out both physically and mentally from your situation, things get much, much better. My original family life sounds similar to yours, although my mom's alcoholism has only really kicked in since I left home. (but the crazy making happened for years. Pathetically, she is almost easier to handle emotionally, as a drunk) I got married in my early twenties basically to escape the craziness of my family of origin home. I needed a good year of therapy and a round of anti-depressants while I was in therapy, to deal with my family of origin issues. I recommend that to you when you can afford it. Luckily, my husband is my soul mate and our marriage is very good (though I would never advocate getting married early like that, we are unusually lucky). Our children are very well adjusted and I feel like we have stopped a lot of sick patterns that both of our original families had started. It hasn't been easy, but it is rewarding to know we are doing it right. I am happier now than I have been in a long time and certainly happier than when I was growing up in chaos. My heart goes out to you. Just hang on and survive the best you can.

josepejv

Have you been financially forced to stay? U live there to guilt is worse then taxes Draw ur line and lie to cover if u need to whats worse then addiction is dulling our responsibility to ourselves.

lotusdreams

Thanks for your encouraging words...it gives me hope for the future that life can indeed get better once I get out of this situation at home.

lotusdreams

Not forced, but I see no other way out besides dropping out of college and finding a small (probably low paid job). I'm in my 3rd year now so almost at the end and I don't want to quit just yet and at the moment is seems impossible to get a side job and combine my studies with it because I have to attend a lot of classes to be able to finish my assignments and papers.

bluebelle

I came from a dysfunctional home and left at 18. It is possible to work and go to school. I assume you could get some financial aid once your parents stop claiming you on taxes? Maybe it would help to at least spend less time at home. Maybe you could get a part-time job so that you could meet people and have more independence. I was really broke while I was in school, but it was worth it. I'd also look into counseling available through your school. It helped me. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You don't have to quit school, but you could work some. A little spending money helps with self-esteem and with the feeling of independence.

SLady

Hi Lotus, my daughter went to university but one of her friends managed to get an apprenticeship with a global company straight after college and the company send him to asia a couple of times a year as part of his apprentice training. This is the type of opportunity that is available to you if you managed to get good college grades.

Are you able to go somewhere else to study without distraction away from the home environment? How about the college library or the local library?