JustAYak

I talk about it, I talk around it, I do everything but say the actual word for what it is that happened to me at the hand of my parents (namely my dad). I hate saying it. Words are powerful, I don't like the feeling cause hearing it makes it so real...People say talking about it makes it lose it's power, but the feelings that come forth from talking about it make it actually seem a lot more powerful because I don't know how to deal with the feelings that come up...heck, I don't even know how to identify what the feelings actually are! I feel like we, the children, get trapped with little opportunity for escape. My parents are either literally dead or might as well be as I don't talk to my mom anymore, yet I am still stuck and being controlled by them indirectly because of these feelings...

I often feel less than, not important, down right dumb, etc. etc. The self-loathing and insults don't break often because I have grown so used to it that I can't seem to function without that inner controversy. It's like I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I've been thrown to the wolves, out here in the world where normal IS possible. I go through the day wondering "Why can't I be like that person?" They have it together, they're happy, they're "normal." Don't get me wrong, I know everybody has their own challenges, but I feel like I am more "broken" then so many others. I have more work ahead of me than I can even comprehend. Why don't other people have that? Why is my normal not everybody elses'? It's frustrating to struggle, struggle, and struggle some more and see other people floating through life...I want that. This hurts. I want to be done with this stage in my life.

So...here it is. What I need to admit. I was abused. The ugly word. I was told I am not worthy. I was hit and kicked and bloodied. I was bruised and punished. I was mistreated and most of all...scared. I was really scared. I still am. But this is where I need to make a turning point, there's not much to be afraid of anymore. Just feelings. Lots of them... overwhelming amounts. I think my fear of people is diminishing little by little and fear of feelings gets bigger and bigger as I get closer and closer to the truth. My family dysfunction has been buried so deep inside myself that every time something comes up I feel worse and worse. I'm afraid of the unknown and what it will do to me. Doesn't anybody ever feel like that? What if there are worse things than what I already remember? I don't think I could deal with that. But at this point it's already happened, there is nothing I can do to stop it.

So, I guess to wrap-up my aimless ramblings, fear is the feeling that's torturing me right now. How do you alleviate the fear?

DavidG

You jus' done it, mate. You reached out and shared!

Kialua

From what I remember reading your posts you are pretty fresh out of abuse, it hasn't been all that long. It's no wonder you feel anxious. Be kind to yourself and keep reading and helping yourself. Don't be expecting everything to be perfect so soon. You have had years of abuse and years of coping with it as a child. Now as an adult it's like learning to walk again. Baby steps.

I was beat daily until I was 18 and left home. I was reckless and didn't care if I was hit by a car. The things that helped me cope were just being out of the house, distance, emotionally disconnecting, not expecting anything from my parents, praying, reading, and going to school starting my career. It took me several years to really stand on my own two feet, and truthfully I am still learning and letting go of things even now decades later and that's ok.

Don't be afraid of what had happened to you, it's not happening now. The truth can set you free. Once you name it then you know what you are dealing with. Sometimes secrets can control us and drive us crazy. I can look at that and say yeah, that happened to me and it's done. It helps to know others have gone through it and not only survived but thrived, I did. Read my blog if you'd like. I found the blog to be very cathartic. Just charting down the experiences and feelings released the angst.

Impurrfect

((Yak)) - Not having been in your position, I do think you just made the first step. I will leave it up to those who are more experienced in what you went through, but all I can say is you, NONE of you deserved it. You were innocent beings who were abused by tormented people and it was never your fault.

Love, hugs, and prayers to all of you!

Amy

soberhawk

Jay,

I have been reading your blog, you are not dumb – forget that. That is just not true.

Some scenes were almost to much, very perceptive and well written – I could feel the pain.

You give the impression of being a great kid Jay. I have 3 boys around your age living here, my 2 sons and one more. Youth is in rather overrated, it is not that easy to be young – I am glad I have that part of my life behind me. Coming from a difficult background as you then it is just very hard struggle.

You should be proud of yourself – it has been a struggle and it takes a lot of spirit to achieve what you are doing.

I do not have any advice to offer, I am sorry. I think though that even though we need to face our struggles we do also need to find something we can rest with. It is individual what it is, but we need to find it.

Great picture in your avatar and a beautiful dog – is it a f1 lab?

Take care.

JustAYak

5 years ago when my dad died...it's hard to believe. Though the abuse didn't exactly stop afterwards given my mom and her psycho fiance, the majority was done. I feel like it's been too long, that I shouldn't really feel this way anymore...but I do. It feels wrong. Its amazing how someone can make you feel guilty beyond the grave. Guilty for things I didn't do....guilty over feelings I shouldn't have to feel guilt over. Or just guilty over having feelings at all. Every time I do this, I have to step back and ask myself why I feel guilty. I have no answer. It's just automatic, a reflex. I feel like a terrible person, but why? At this point..no one can make me feel that way but myself, really. So why do we chose to continue beating ourselves up over something that we shouldn't have been beaten up over (both literally and figuratively) in the first place? I don't know what to think and I don't know what to feel. My therapist told me today that no feeling is a "wrong" feeling but to me, that just doesn't ring true.

Soberhawk - Thanks for the comment on my avatar, it's my dog, Moose. He just turned a year old not long ago. Time flies. He is a black lab, not so sure about the first generation part honestly. I was told he was pure, but dogs now days...who really knows. He certainly looks the part.

Kialua

Yeah, it hasn't been that long. Five years since your Dad died, but you still experienced ongoing assault from the mom's boyfriend.

Don't be expecting perfection from yourself. When we learn new behaviors to old traumas we rewire our brain. It can take some time. Right now your brain is wired from the old traumas, and when you experience it all over again while telling yourself it's over. That's what happens to me. With time it gets better.

Guilt might not be what you are experiencing, it's just that you don't have a better word for it. It's the chaos, confusion and fear that you relive. What's the word for that? Cha•fus•fear? And a host of other feelings. Guilt just pops up to cover it all.

I've shared that even after decades of safety my heart pounds when I unexpectedly hear screams or swearing in anger far off. If it startles me my body goes into reaction mode while my head tells me, nothing is wrong, nothing is going to happen. But I have to wait it out, and settle down. It's not disrupting my life and I've learned to handle it. My husband understands and works with me. You will figure this out. I think the key is to expect that it will not disappear immediately and not be upset about it, but work with it. Learn what to tell yourself to talk back to the voice in your head that says "guilty". You have to teach yourself. Like I said, read, write, pray and post. It will get better.

soberhawk

It is no logic to what people feel and I think your therapist is right if you have that feeling – then that is the reality of things, it is not important whether it is “morally” justified – whether that is the right feeling to have.

chicory

(((Yak)))
You are priceless. Worth more than gold, diamonds, anything. It is hard to shake, when our parents strip us of the chance to have self worth feelings.

But their input is over now. Telling yourself that 'I am a beautiful, and valuable soul', will help, I think. replace the negative input with positive and true.

much love. You are precious in this world.

hugs
chicory

tromboneliness

Oh ya, I know exactly how this works. It's certainly that way with my sister, the World's Biggest Codependent™ -- it's just over 3 years since my Dad died, and she is still trying not to hurt his feelings, suggest that anything in our home life was less than a perfect Norman Rockwell™ childhood, or 'fess up to the idea that she and I are allowed to have any of our own feelings about it. (Me, I got the anger part -- I'm still angry with my Dad, albeit ambivalent, because he had a lot of good attributes, too, which is why I've taken up playing his guitar, keep a Gallium Arsenide ingot on my desk -- one that he made in his lab -- and stuff like that.)

And my sister and I never even got physically abused -- just yelled at, controlled, disapproved of, and so on and so forth. This is strong stuff, and when it starts from birth, you don't shake it off all at once. Thanks for sharing, though -- there's a lot of wisdom around here, which is why I like it....

T

makomago

I don't identify with being abused myself. My sister got the abuse. I tried to protect her but I was a child too, I couldn't. That didn't stop me being scared. I was (very) scared, with feelings of guilt!

I thought I didn't know my feelings too. I may not have been able to name them, but I could feel them and fear was one of them.

I now realise (I think through ACoA) that there are only four basic feelings MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED - all others are just shades of the basic four. I can at least identify that I am feeling one of those, even if I can't identify the 'shade' of that feeling.

ACoA Step 1- We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

How do you alleviate the fear: Extract from 'The Solution' ACoA..

As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find freedom to express all the hurts and fears that you have kept inside and to free yourself.... You will recover the child within you, learning to love and accept yourself

EveningRose

Yes, I feel like that. Every time something new happens, it's as if all the work I've done to disengage, to heal, is suddenly wiped away. It all goes down like dominos again, and I have to start fresh.

Except, last night, I realized it's more like, yes, I'm picking myself up off the ground again--right back on the ground--BUT...the ground is higher this time, I'm farther up the hill. If that helps. It reassures me I'm making progress. I feel I can pick myself up more quickly now. And I recover from the STUNNED feeling more quickly.

And yet, yes, it still feels like being knocked right back to square one every time. (I just got A Letter again yesterday.)

What if there are worse things I don't remember? I have a friend who has no memories before the age of 11. She figures probably traumatic things happened, and she's just happy with her life today, and doesn't worry too much about it.

In the past year, I've put together enough memories and incidents that I have no doubt my father took me to a soft porn movie at about the age of 3 or 4. When I described the scene I remember vividly, a friend passed the description on to someone 'in the industry,' who promptly named the movie, and sure enough, its production date matched up exactly to the time frame.

Yes, I do wonder if a man who would do that did worse. He does other things that make me worry I'm going to read about his arrest some day for some perversion. There are accusations of sexual misconduct in his own FOO. So no, it wouldn't surprise me in the least.

But I don't worry about it. If he did worse, it does me no good to know. I know enough to know I'm not the sick one here, which is what's ultimately important. I know enough now to understand where my issues came from, to forgive myself for the things I hated about myself, to cut myself some slack and move on to heal and become better and hopefully help someone else along the way.

How do I alleviate the fear? By assuming responsibility for my life. By reading, learning, healing, growing, going to al-anon, talking with others, making the decision the dysfunction stops with me to the best of my ability--to NOT allow myself to drink or swear or yell or expose my kids to inappropriate things. By giving my children joy to the best of my ability. By teaching them to love others.

By recognizing that living in fear only destroys today. Yes, bad stuff may continue to happen in the future, but worrying about it today does no good. By letting go and enjoying the moment. Easier said than done, I know. It's a lifelong process.