my father needs help

Old 10-06-2013, 10:00 AM
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my father needs help

my dad is 49 years old and he is drinking a lot. as far as i can remember (i'm 25).
he has a job, but drinks every evening. during weekends he gets so drunk he cant stand. he peed himself.
he's quite nice guy when he's sober, but totally different when drunk. he's arguing.
he quit his job today and told my mom he's going away and doesnt want to hear from any of us anymore.
when we try to talk to him he gets upset and telling he's not an alcholic and that he just works all the time.
i'm pretty sure parents are divorcing now but for mom this is probably the best cause she cant take it anymore.
my dad hit the floor so many times, but never quit drinking. he's embarrising us when he goes out drinking.
its so hard. i just want to get away and let it be. but i am aware my dad needs help but he doesnt want to listen to any of us. he actually decide for alcohol over family

any advice would be very appreciated..
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Old 10-06-2013, 12:27 PM
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The hardest thing about alcoholism is nothing works until he wants help for himself. We all want our parents to stop drinking and have tried to help them a thousand times. But until they do it for themselves it doesn't work. You can let him know you love him, if he is anything like my Dad was he probably won't care. You can tell him you will be there for him WHEN he does get help.

Meanwhile taking care of yourself is job number one. There is a lot of helpful information in the stickies above to get yourself started. I know from personal experience it is very painful to have a parent chose drink over family. But taking care of yourself first is the best thing to do when feeling torn between running and staying. It's like in an airplane and the oxygen masks drop down, they tell you to put yours on first before you can help anyone else. Learning more about this and how to treat yourself will help your Dad in the long run.

Are you near a city with any AA or Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings?
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Old 10-06-2013, 06:40 PM
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Welcome, kokolo, but sorry you had need to find us. Kialua is right, you should focus on taking care of yourself and moving forward. In Al-Anon we learn the 3C's: you didn't cause, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Do you have any Al-Anon meetings nearby? I would suggest your whole family going, but definitely make sure you get yourself there. Also be aware that it's probable your father will try to come back promising the moon and the stars to you and your mother. Unless he has quit drinking and is actively working a program like AA or Celebrate Recovery, it all amounts to quacking. That's our term for things addicts say that have no basis in reality. You can learn a lot more about that and this disease in the Friends & Family forum. Be sure to read all of the stickies above and over in F&F, and definitely keep posting. We are here for you!
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Old 10-07-2013, 06:38 PM
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NWGRITS: we learn the 3C's: you didn't cause, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
There is also the idea of establishing Boundaries - firmly setting the limits that I will go to help so as to preserve my own well being. Addiction and alcoholism hurt both the drinker/addict and those around them. Friends and family get pulled into a swirl of broken promises, resentment, fear, and anger. I found that the best approach, as awful as it sounds, is to let the alcoholic know that I love them, but I will not sacrifice my own well-being to prevent them from harming themselves.
In fact, by establishing boundaries, I show sane healthy behavior. This is the one thing that may change the alcoholic - behaving rationally and with self-respect.
A relationship is a function of 2 people, a(me)+b(alcoholic)=c(our relationship); the only way to change the relationship is to change myself.
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Old 10-07-2013, 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by guiab View Post
There is also the idea of establishing Boundaries - firmly setting the limits that I will go to help so as to preserve my own well being. Addiction and alcoholism hurt both the drinker/addict and those around them. Friends and family get pulled into a swirl of broken promises, resentment, fear, and anger. I found that the best approach, as awful as it sounds, is to let the alcoholic know that I love them, but I will not sacrifice my own well-being to prevent them from harming themselves.
In fact, by establishing boundaries, I show sane healthy behavior. This is the one thing that may change the alcoholic - behaving rationally and with self-respect.
A relationship is a function of 2 people, a(me)+b(alcoholic)=c(our relationship); the only way to change the relationship is to change myself.
*nods* We have a saying around here: "Nothing changes if nothing changes." You can't change your father, but you can change yourself and the way you react to him. Setting boundaries and detachment will help you start making your life better.
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Old 10-08-2013, 10:29 AM
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kokolo how is it going? I hope we have been helpful. I know it's a lot to absorb and it might feel like it's hopeless but it's not. My alcoholic dad didn't want help until he was incarcerated at 80 and it was forced upon him. But he did great and died sober at 87. There is always hope

But taking care of yourself first is important.
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