It's been three years

Old 09-26-2013, 07:12 PM
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tromboneliness's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
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It's been three years

... since my Dad died. And I'm still not sure how I feel. Certainly not "sad," in the conventional sense -- hey, if he were still living, he'd be 93, so at some point that's not a realistic issue anymore. I still have some significant anger, which, as you guys know, comes out when situations similar to mine are discussed in threads -- I usually hit the alkies with one of these:

But I have gotten into a pretty steady routine of practicing guitar -- on my Dad's old classical instrument -- on a daily basis. Certainly a positive there -- he fostered my lifelong interest in classical guitar (although that's not the idiom I'm delving into), I use his bowling balls occasionally, and some of the personality traits I inherited have served me well. Others, of course, have not.

So I can't really say. I think I'm doing okay, day to day -- certainly it helps that I have a pretty good job now, and have gotten back into some other things I like to do. I get together with my sponsor pretty regularly, and have made a lot of progress on some of the ACA stuff -- if I may put in another plug for the yellow Workbook, get a copy and go through it with a sponsor. It's the best thing I've ever done, without question.

I don't know... how I feel. Still working stuff out, but as it begins to recede into the rearview mirror (where it will always be visible, even as it keeps getting smaller), there may be hope yet!

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Old 09-26-2013, 11:53 PM
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Location: Florida
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Three years isn't long after a lifetime of this stuff. I'd say you're doing alright. I know emotionally I'm in multiple places depending on the hour. I actually got a phone call the other day that started with, "It's about your mother..." For a moment I thought it might be THE call that would finally let me breathe a sigh of relief, but no. She's still alive, albeit with a bleeding ulcer. And I shrugged it off. Would I have really felt the same had it been THE call? I don't know. We aren't really raised with adequate emotional maturity or coping skills, so yeah, I'd say three years isn't all that long. (((Hugs)))
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Old 09-27-2013, 09:03 AM
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Location: Starting over all over again
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Congratulations on the progress in recovery

When my father died I felt _nothing_. Not even the "don't know what I feel" that you mentioned. It's been what, 9 years now? and occasionally I will get a little twinge of "wow, he really is gone". Not to mention that the word "Dad" is not something I will ever have for that guy. Me thinks you are doing better than me in that department.

Thanks for the reminder that it does get better, it's always helpful to see others doing well.

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Old 09-27-2013, 10:58 AM
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Mine died in 2000. The first few years I felt nothing as well and felt awkward about that. Then I finally realized there was nothing to feel and I didn't need to feel anything. It's such a relief to not have the chaos in my life anymore. Gone are the anxiety and helplessness feelings. What is odd is to have those feelings gone after being so used to having that anxiety lurking about ready to roar. That's what is so different.
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Old 09-29-2013, 11:56 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2005
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
When my father died I felt _nothing_. Not even the "don't know what I feel" that you mentioned. It's been what, 9 years now? and occasionally I will get a little twinge of "wow, he really is gone". Not to mention that the word "Dad" is not something I will ever have for that guy.
My father's only been gone 2 years, but I have these exact same feelings. He was never a father to me, never will be..., although sometimes I have a hard time accepting that.
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Old 10-25-2013, 01:44 PM
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My parents are both still alive, in their early 70s. My grandmother, however, died 25 years ago, and I have never felt any emotion at all, except vague relief and the hope that now there would be family peace. There wasn't, of course, since the legacy lives on in my father's alcoholism and my mother's bitterness. Sadly, my experience suggests to me that I'll feel only relief at their passing, too.

Tromboneliness, it's good to hear an update and the positive things going on. I play a bit of guitar, too, and recently picked up a new musical toy that I'll be writing some music on!
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