Self esteem, feeling alone related to alcoholic father
 

My father is an alcoholic. I haven't seen or talked to him in over 12 years... When I was in elementary school. My mom and dad divorced when I was a baby due to his alcoholism. I have three older half sisters that hated my dad and even though I tried to keep loving him, slowly I began to hate him as well. Due to influence from my family and his actions.

The earliest thing I can remember was having visits with him on the weekends. He would always drink. He never did anything to hurt me physically but seeing him belligerent always frightened me. I remember running and screaming, fleeing the house to get away from him because I was just a kid and didn't understand. One night he had a friend over to drink, they started fighting and the cops got called. That was the end of my visits.

Afterwards I rarely saw him and I began to hate him. He never sent birthday cards, never called to say hello. Except on Father's Day... What a jerk. When I got older my sisters and mom would tell me stories about him. Just horrific stories about how he would be negligent to me. Stories like this... When I was a baby and my mom was out of town, she left money to him to buy necessities. He spent all the money on booze and I ran out of diapers, but he didn't care one bit. My sister had to ask the neighbor for money to get me diapers.

Now that I am getting older I am realizing the negative effects that my childhood and my relationship with my father have had on me. I constantly feel alone and deal with depression and anxiety. I think about my dad a lot even though I don't want to. I hear some gossip from relatives every now and then. He is still jobless and an alcoholic.

I am now dealing with my own substance abuse issues and I feel bad for not making an effort to retain some kind of communication with him. I feel like I want closure but I don't think it's ever going to happen.

Hi! You will find many of us cannot control drinking/substances and abstain totally, myself included. When our lives are damaged from our parents we self medicate and then damage it further. If your friends and fiance don't understand they are not meant to be in your life. You are young enough to find your answers and live a good life. Joining AA or another group is good step. Another good first step is emotionally detaching from your parents and even family of origin if they are causing you angst by teaching you hate. The hate you have, rightly so, only eats at you like a cancer. Most of us have found forgiveness of the offending parents to be key in emotional health. Forgiving is very difficult. But it helps to realize that forgiveness doesn't mean that nothing happened and that we carry on as if they are perfect. We can't change the past and what they did but we can change our futures and how we will live our lives.

There is a lot of valuable information about all these subjects throughout this part of the forum that may help you as much as it has helped me.

I did not see my father from I was 12 until in the beginning of my twenties – I spoke with him a couple of times on the phone that was all.

I think it is sensible to meet your parents, it punctures some myths and you understand things differently when you are an adult. I was partly disappointed by the meeting – I did fear him as a child (with good reason) and had in a lot of scores to settle – and just met a rather weak man with a lot of demons hunting him – the anxiety he had meeting me did change my anger to worry or pity.

I think you should do it – but be prepared that you do not quite know what you will meet.

I did not experience it as a miracle cure – it was more grief involved I think.

I am sorry you are struggling with depression and anxiety, do not fight such things alone.

Take care timeflies.

Thank you both so much for your kind words. I think going to some kind of AA or substance abuse meeting. But I'm so scared to admit that I have a problem. My fiancé is extremely supportive no matter what. I think he just doesn't want me to feel bad about myself so when I put myself down he says it's okay. He doesn't believe that I have a problem.. But if I seriously had a talk with him, he would support me.

As far as meeting my father, I don't know if I ever will. There is way too much emotion involved and I don't think I can deal with it. I just know someday Ill hear he's passed away and I won't know whether to be sad or not. It sucks. I feel so cheated. Hopefully someday I can forgive him.

Yes you were cheated, we know what it feels like to be cheated. My friend wrote the other day about her aging father and how hard it was on her because he was such a great dad. I told her I was sorry he was ill and to cherish her good memories because I wouldn't know what it would be like to have good memories and miss my Dad.

I hope you think more about attending some meetings, and try to work through the program, it could only help. Read through the stickies above too, and my blog as well. You have to take care of yourself because only you know what you need.