Ajay1968

I flew in from Australia to Scotland yesterday (a 38 hour journey) to surprise mum on her birthday. A mere 36 hours later, I'm hiding in the spare bedroom, she's passed out and dad is drinking a beer in the tv room. I'm the child of 2 co-dependent alcoholics and I am current paralysed by indecision about what to do.

I did this same trip last year, but under very different circumstances. In October, mum was admitted to hospital after overdosing on a variety of prescription drugs while in the grips of an alcoholic encephalopathy incident, brought on by a 4 week drinking binge. Her major organs collapsed and she wasn't expected to survive, so I made an emergency trip over to say my goodbyes. Through miracles I will never understand but which she and everyone else has attributed to my presence, she pulled through and was released after about 6 weeks in hospital. During that visits I had a couple of run-ins with dad about his drinking (he would open a bottle every evening when we got back from hospital) but also about his role in supplying her. You see, my mum has been wheelchair bound for 5 years (yes, an alcoholic fall resulting in the shattering of her leg) and her only access to her poison is if he brings it in for her. I've begged him to to, but he says she makes his life unbearable and calls the police to say he's assaulting her (which isn't impossible - there was certainly plenty of that in my charming childhood home). Secretly, I think he provides it so that she gets drunk and then he uses that as a reason to storm out of the house to his favourite pub down the road, where he gets trashed himself, or else to be a able to assume the superior position when she drinks and he doesn't. It's a twisted, doozie of a dysfunctional family.

Understanding a little more about the recent history (and there are a lot of stories of a similar nature to share later, like the time they were coming over to visit me and my children in Australia after not seeing the grandchildren for 6 years, and my mom got so wasted the night before the flight that she couldn't get out of bed the next morning to make the flight - after telling me she'd been sober for 12 months and was so looking forward to seeing us all again.....I'll never forget the look at sheer disappointment in my children's eyes when they cane the realisation, as I had so many years before them, that my moms love for the bottle trumps everything else, regardless of what she says and what she truly believes in her heart.

I'm meant to be here till next Saturday, but I can't stay if everyday is going to be a running battle. I'd rather go home to my own family. But I know how much that will hurt her, and then she'll think of how worthless she must be for me to do that, and then she'll binge, get alcoholic encephalopathy again, probably try to top herself, and then I'll get the guilts.



I have no idea on my next step.

Thanks for reading

NWGRITS

Welcome to SR, Ajay. Sorry for the reason you're here, but I'm glad you've found us. First of all, none of this is your fault. Both of your parents drink because they are alcoholics. Your mother's CHOICE to drink is not based on anything you or anyone else did/does/will do. Period. Your father's CHOICE to drink is not because your mother is insufferable if he won't supply her with booze. Playing the blame game with them isn't going to get you anywhere but enmeshed in their toxic relationship.

First order of business: Be kind to yourself. Take a step back and breathe.

Second order of business: Stop taking responsibility for their actions. They are adults who can manage to figure things out on their own. It might be a righteous mess, but it is THEIR mess.

Third order of business, which aligns with the second: Get thee to Al-Anon or ACA and start working a program for yourself. Learn how to detach (or in this instance, given the distance and level of toxicity, go No Contact). Start taking care of yourself and figure out how you're still in this mess after all this time.

Keep posting and reading here. The stickies at the top of the forum are a great place to start. We are here to support you through every step of your journey. We've all dealt with at least one parent in the throes of alcohol addiction, and we are in various stages of recovery. No question is stupid and no post is insignificant. I hope you find hope and healing in these pages just as I have. SR is a great place.

Ajay1968

Thanks NWGRITS, a quick reply is always so helpful when you're feeling desperate, and my jet lag isn't helping with allowing me to just drift off to sleep!

I was thinking about confronting them in the morning, telling them how hurt I was today (dad will immediately jump in and say he wasn't the one that got drunk....I can already here the conversation!) and that I'd live nothing more than to spend the week with them that I'd planned but it is under the strict proviso that they don't go anywhere near a drink while I'm here. That way, the ball is in their court and I wouldn't be able to feel guilty, knowing that id given them a legitimate option to have me stay around for the week. But then, is that just me being manipulated some more?

I notice people talk of no contact - what form does this follow?

NWGRITS

You shouldn't have to feel guilty about anything. Yes, it's manipulation. You already know where the conversation is going to go, so you may want to reconsider it altogether. Setting boundaries is good, don't get me wrong there. But participating in a discussion that you know is going to end up with you feeling like crap isn't exactly something that's good for YOU. This is where a lot of people get confused. You are responsible for yourself and your well-being. You *aren't* responsible for anyone else's, save for your own children (and even that is only up until they reach adulthood and can make their own choices).

No Contact is exactly what it says: No. Contact. It can be short-term or longer. For example, I've been NC with my own mother for a little over a year. That means I haven't talked to her, I ignore her drunken emails and phone calls, and refuse packages and letters from her at the door. Some here have gone a decade or more, and some do it a few weeks at a time. It's a matter of personal preference, really. I have no problem not talking to my mother. She was never really there in a mothering capacity, and my life at home was hell. But not everyone had an A parent from day one, so to some, my personal take on it might be a bit extreme.

Kialua

Hi Ajay! I second NWGRITS's comments. Sounds like a rough week, I hope you take care of yourself first. Depending on their rate of intoxication confronting might not do any good. Even when they are not drunk their common sense is not functioning enough to register your pleas.

Emotionally detaching is a great survival tool. Physically detaching is the no contact form. I never quite did total no contact but certainly had emotional detachment.

NWGRITS

Yes, detachment is a great tool if you don't want to make the No Contact leap. You can set a boundary that you will talk with them if they are sober/being civil/not acting batsh*t crazy, but if either of A/B/C happens, you hang up. In their presence, you can choose to leave the room or the house altogether for a bit if they start getting in on each other or while they are drinking. You can sing songs to yourself in your head to block out the quacking, mentally smack each of them with a wet noodle, or whatever it takes to bring yourself some peace. And the great thing about detachment and NC, is that none of it is permanent unless you want it to be. Should my AM ever seek sobriety and work a program, I will be open to communicating again. Just not right now. I hope that helps clarify a bit.

soberhawk

Judging from your age your parents are probably in their late sixties, see them for what they are – understand what upbringing you have had.

You can not change them Ajay.

Take long walks in the Scottish autumn, do grief work and take care of yourself.

Look forward to returning to you own family and spring in Sidney.

Ajay1968

Thanks to all of you for responding, it means so much to me to know that there are others out there who can relate to what I'm going through.
An update on the current situation - my AM apologised profusely this morning and promised that it won't happen again (I'm sure she means while I'm here), so I'm giving staying on for the week assuming that all goes well. Once I get home, I'll log in again and look forward to sharing more and working through my recovery with your support.

Just a couple of quick things to answer to some of the responses above - a) there are very few ACOA groups in Sydney (in fact, I've looked and never found one) and b) parents are well into their 70's and you're so right soberhawk, I can't change them. Why haven't I learned that yet!!! What an idiot!

Lots of thanks and hugs

NWGRITS

Take it easy on yourself. If having addicts in the family and codependency were simple things to fix, this site wouldn't exist. You still have many, many years of happiness and serene living ahead of you.

Kialua

Try to have a good time, don't expect anything from your parents and enjoy the weather if nothing else.

We've heard before that the opportunities for community and groups is limited in Australia. But we have a lot of books that will help maybe just as much. A list was compiled by some of the posters that were the most helpful.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oks-acoas.html

DoubleDragons

I can only say that you are not alone. I hope that brings you some measure of comfort. I am 42 years old and I dread any and all visits with my alcoholic mother and possibly alcoholic but extremely enabling father. My father has engaged my sister and I to help him with this madness more than once, but then takes my mother to bars nightly and buys her martinis. I am trying, trying to detach, but easier said than done. You are not alone.

Ajay1968

Wow, DoubleDragons, sounds as though we might have been born into the same family! I struggle to understand how my father holds my mother responsible (whenever there's a fight, they call me and take turns at hurling abuse at each other while I listen....wtf?). He calls her all kinds of names and accuses her of being an out of control alcoholic who is ruining his life....and then he goes to the liquor store every day and buys another 2 bottles of wine and a bottle of whiskey (and beer for himself). Go figure.

Thanks to everyone who replied here, it means so much to know that I'm a) not alone and b) not insane for being confused!

I'm now back in Sydney and in the arms of my own loving family, and hoping to start working through some of the recovery materials available here.

Kialua

LOL, you are far from insane, and unfortunately you're not alone. You've got all of us to keep you company in this turmoil. You will soon figure out some strategies like boundaries when they call and fight.

DoubleDragons

Ajay,

The biggest pride I have coming from an extended family that sounds every bit as dysfunctional as yours, is that my family (husband and four children) is turning out to be a relatively healthy one ~ full of love and support for each other and drama-free!!! (I cannot think of a stretch of time longer than a couple of days that my parents didn't have ridiculous, dramatic arguments. They have ruined countless vacations, dinners, family relationships etc. etc.) So focus on the pride of your beautiful family and be happy that you live far, far away from the crazies. I used to live hundreds of miles away from mine until they moved to the state I live in. ugh

NWGRITS

You most certainly are not alone! There are more of us out there than you realize. After all, in A homes, the adage really sticks that "as far as anyone knows, we are a perfectly normal family." You never know what may be hiding behind someone's front door.