soberhawk

I do have many memories from my childhood, they are not haunting me as such. I am though a kind of person that always tries to make coherent sense of things and when my world view is challenged I need to settle things again and go through some thoughts and memories.

One memory that stands out tells about the loyalty children have towards their parents. When my parents divorced I was soon to be twelve. My mother brought me with her to the first meeting with my father and booth layers, probably in hope my presence would make my father constrain himself or maybe just not to being there alone. It went of course out of hand and I am not repeating what was said – most would probably be censured here, they did their best to hurt each other as mean as possible bringing up sexual performance, overweight and other weaknesses– angry people are creative when mean. That did in reality not impress me much it was the face of the layers a mixture of surprise, contempt, perplexity and amusement.

That got me – even to an extend I cried, that was not something I did and certainly not with witnesses. I ran out of the office used a couple of minutes to calm me down and pull my self together and went back in calm and controlled. I did notice some worry in my fathers eyes when I went back – only blame in my mothers.

I felt that as a break of trust. I had struggled to keep this chaos hidden. My school had noticed something was wrong. Mostly as I did perform reasonable in writing but never spoke at least only few words. I did stammer terrible at many sounds – and I only spoke if I could create sentences without these sounds, that was very limited. But during interviews with psychologist and counselors I did my best to protect the madness of my home and no say anything that could compromise my home. I do not stammer today so my stammer was of course neurotic due to emotional pressure.

It was not the chaos that made me loose trust in them, that I understood. It was when I saw that they were not to be trusted in keeping it a secret.

This is of course insanity – but this is not uncommon for children in this situation.

I even see shades of such thinking with me today so many years after.

jaynie04

Soberhawk, I am so very sorry that happened to you. Do you understand what an incredibly damaging thing that was?

I have a lot of childhood amnesia, so do my brothers, apparently it is not uncommon when one has a rotten childhood. The dynamic you described that day must have been present throughout your childhood...it doesn't really sound like you had the chance to be a child. How could a child feel safe with selfish, narcissistic parents like that. Your needs were dismissed because theirs came first.

We have a tendency to protect our parent, it is amazing how people who have damaged us so much are worthy of any loyalty at all. I have learned a lot through a decade of therapy. I discounted how I felt, actually never knew how I felt because my thoughts and feelings were dismissed. I too grew up with 2 selfish parents who divorced. I see parents who worry about their children and the consequences of divorce...not mine. The damage that is done at such a young age becomes a part of your identity.

I have learned that one of the most dangerous and harming environments to grow up in is one that is constantly shifting and where the abuse and neglect are covert. Children that are given black and blue marks can look in the mirror and see that they were harmed. Children like you and me grow up confused and assuming we did something wrong.

You were a victim, an innocent victim, and what you grew up with was a damaging as being swatted across the room. Understanding that is the first step at healing. Children that grow up like we did have a lot of buried rage, we couldn't express it when we were younger, because it would have been dangerous to do so, so we turn it inwards...which leads to a whole host of longterm issues.

There are some very good books out there on being a child of narcissistic parents and emotional abuse. Now that I have an 8 year old myself I shudder to think of the things that were said to me, and the cold neglect I suffered. Part of healing is understanding what you never had and what you lost. It was not your fault, no one was there to take care of you, I am very sorry to hear your story.

soberhawk

I was touched by your sympathy Jaynie, thank you.

It is long time ago and I do have some understanding of this now.

Such things are often a chain of miseries through generations and we should when we get our own children do our best to break that chain – and give them a better position than we had, and be thankful if we have the strength to do so.

I think you have done right to work through this now that you have a child. I was in reality to young when I got children – I should have done more work first.

There were brushes and blue marks on my siblings, never me and one of my sisters – we were booth to good at controlling them and ensuring we never did anything wrong – more or less that we never did anything.

I sometimes meet such kids at larger gatherings with alcohol. I recognize their worries and attempt to control and later that night I understand why by seeing the drunk parent (mostly fathers).

Booth my parents are dead. This is over and I do understand to some extend how this has marked me.

I am not sure why I shared this story, maybe because it is important to understand how much loyalty, at times rather insane loyalty, can be seen in young children.

My mother did say to me shortly before she died that I had never been a child, that was with sadness – I did like her the last 10 years of her life – she did her best and became a rather balanced and brave person in the end.

Apparently I can not spell lawyer (layer).