Blow out with AM last night

Old 09-01-2013, 10:24 AM
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Angry Blow out with AM last night

My AM lives with me and my fiance. She lost her house in April after not making any payments for nearly two years (and losing three jobs due to excessive absenteeism). She has no bills and receives $200 food assistance per month from the state. The deal was, she wouldn't pay rent but there wouldn't be beer in the house (that was a HUGE fight).

2 weeks ago, she got a new job. She borrowed $ from her sister to get her through to her paycheck. Since then, she's lived on beer and fast food, and our home life has been unbearable.
  • She's asked for money every night since Wednesday (2 days before payday)
  • She's asked when mine and FI's paydays are
  • She's stolen all the pop from our pantry to return the cans for beer money
  • She's stashed so many beer cans and left-over (moldy!) Wendy's that we now have ants in our basement
  • She's told my FI that I was such a needy/high maintenance kid that she feels sorry for him
  • She's given her dog bowl after bowl of our dog's expensive, allergy-specific food (despite her dog having her own food)
  • She's ruined pans from trying to cook while drunk
  • Some of our kitchen utensils / accessories have mysteriously disappeared
  • She once hid all our dog's toys because she knocked over a pile of clean clothes mom had stacked on the floor
  • She's criticized the amount of time we spend with my future in-laws (they live 2 hours away) and claims I'm turning my back on my family
  • She says repeatedly that she may not be able to attend the wedding because she may be in pain or just may not feel like it
  • And two nights ago, she yelled at me for not sending her a text message to let her know that her paycheck had not arrived

Yesterday, I hit my breaking point and we got into a big fight- all via email because she's a coward and wouldn't talk to me face-to-face (after shooing me out of my own basement in the morning and locking the door). The mail came at 4:30. FI checked it, and I messaged her to say that her check had not arrived. She replied back an hour later asking for $100, saying that she would pay me back that and that she is "trying to get the f*** out of here".

Before I could reply, she emailed back twice. The first saying "If you can't do $100, that is fine......" and "Could you please just f****** answer me so I can get the hell out of here?"

My FI was so irritated that he pulled $70 out of his apparently surprise honeymoon spending fund and said to give her that. I replied to her FI would let her borrow $70, and she replied: "So when can I get it? I am sorry but this is not my fault that I didn't get paid. I will move out as soon as I can and you and [FI] will never hear from me again."

I replied: "I am sorry, but it is also not my fault that you didn't paid, and I did not say that it was yours. I will leave the cash up here in the mail holder and you can pick it up when you are ready."

She replied: "The check may not be your fault but you could have at least checked your mail earlier."

And then I turned into Dr. Jekyll and I lost it. I said a bunch of things I shouldn't have and followed up with a Xanax.

"I'm sorry, but we checked the mail as soon as we noticed it was here. If you were so concerned about it, why weren't you watching for it? Your check is your responsibility, not mine.

I am tired of you taking out your bad moods on me. It is not fair. I have done nothing but try to help you, despite the fact that we are struggling to get by. Why do you think we have been living out of our pantry? Why do you think I ride the bus to work? Yet you get to go on drives to Summerset and drink your beer and feed your dog chicken and noodles every night. I can't afford to do that with Layla.

Don't worry about paying me back- just concentrate on getting what you need done so you can find your own place and you and I can get space from this defective relationship. If you need help moving your stuff, let me know. I am done feeling like this.

Also, I don't want beer in this house anymore."

To which she replied: "Don't worry, I will be out of your life soon.. relationship severed. You have a new family now anyway. Also, I wouldn't be in this mess if I didn't provide for you in Florida. And I'm still driving and old vehicle because of it."

(Regarding Florida, she is referring to college- which she didn't pay a cent for. I worked so I could afford my apartment and my meal plan was included on my college loans. And she was borrowing money from me then, as well- while telling me I should drop out of college because no man wants a woman with debt [i.e. gold digger].)

I feel AWFUL. Guilty, like a jerk. And also.. sort of relieved. I'm sad to say it felt really good to get those things off my chest and give her a taste of what she does to me / everyone else. But then I feel like instead of being a bigger person, I did just what she does so that makes me like her... which makes me feel worse.

The truth is, I just want her gone. I have no disillusions that she will ever pay back any of the $ she owes me, and frankly, I think having her at the wedding would hurt more than not. She has made life hell since I was a kid and now she's affecting my life/relationship with my fiance. He is so stressed out by this whole thing he's been staying in the bedroom all morning.

I know I shouldn't have done it, but I'd appreciate any words of wisdom anyone has to offer.
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Old 09-01-2013, 06:06 PM
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Stop putting up with it. Stop giving her money. Stop letting her WALK ALL OVER YOU LIKE A DOORMAT. Doing that just validates her conviction that you are a doormat, to be walked over, taken advantage of, robbed, and humiliated.

Never mind she "might not go" to the wedding -- she should be BANNED from the wedding.

Block her e-mail, while you're at it. E-mail and text messaging (which is even worse) are the two worst things ever invented, for people who want to break away from toxic people. Because the T.P. keep e-mailing, and they keep reading and getting baited, etc., etc., etc.

I highly -- highly -- recommend that you buy Angelyn Miller's The Enabler: When Helping Harms the Ones You Love." If you have a Kindle, buy it right now -- this minute -- and read it tonight; it's a short book.

Really -- AM is doing these things because you are allowing and encouraging her to keep doing them.

T (struggling with the same issue myself right now, although circumstances are very different. Enabling is enabling, and we need to stop it!)
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Old 09-01-2013, 06:20 PM
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It's hard to know how to fight your way out of the paper bag when you don't know you are in it because it's all you've ever known. It sounds like you now know it and you are ready but then vacillate between freedom and guilt. I hope you can find your freedom. You deserve it.
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Old 09-02-2013, 12:31 AM
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Pack her bags for her and give her a big shove out the door when she leaves. Your AM and mine sound like sisters. Getting over the knee-jerk reaction of feeling guilty will pass in time, especially if you are working a program in Al-Anon and/or therapy. There is a quiet, sane life for you. Hard to believe. I know. I still want to pinch myself sometimes when I wake up and I know I don't have to face that crap anymore.
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Old 09-02-2013, 01:15 PM
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I am so sorry that you are in this position, however it happened. You feel a responsibility to your Mother even tho the addiction(s) are most likely causing her behaviors. I think she has really destroyed the relationship by her negative comments to your husband about you. Sounds like she has been a huge problem for you and you have been just a nice, normal, hardworking student who means no harm. Professional help would be hopefully be able to assist you with these circumstances. Perhaps they would know of a place to go that would take her. I am praying for a quick resolution for you on this because it sounds like you are at your wit's end.

Behaviors like this from her have or will have consequences, such as not interacting with her for the foreseeable future. I was done when my Mother was at a celebration for my Daughter's college graduation at my house. I invited many of my own friends as well. She did exactly what I expected. My good friend who knew all I went thru to raise my children on my own and get a degree and work as well. My friend said, I bet you are so proud of your Daughter and Granddaughters. She told her that she was proud of her Granddaughters and left me out. I was fuming and decided that was the final straw and that I couldn't put up with her anymore. What a betrayal. The nastiness just gets worse. I feel your pain and hope you find some available resources to help as you are being harassed and abused. Much luck to you and God Bless!
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Old 09-02-2013, 02:56 PM
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I truly hope that you will be able to let your mother get out...in any way, shape or form you can.

Addicts will turn on you for anything...no matter how compassionate and kind and wonderful you are...and you sound like all three.

Have been through this with my mother and sister (alcohol)...and my middle daughter (crystal meth--only drinking now)--the selfish piece seems to have been there before and have found that both sets turned on me...one set after dad died 13 years ago (no longer needed my compassion and willingness to stand by them) and now (no longer have the financial security to 'give' what daughter believes she deserves from life although she and her twin daughters lived with us for 7 years so that we could 'help' her...but she is fine now and has turned her back and is being aggressive and angry with me...and still seeking to manipulate dad...who is coming out of that...thank you God.

It took all the kids blaming me (I was the codependent who helped 2 daughters with their drug addictions and hubby with a business that didn't make money) for hubby to 'see' that it was really bad for me and that the fruits of my giving were to be blamed and turned on and refused a bed when I didn't have a place to sleep (long story)...even though my money paid 1/2 of the security deposit daughter is living in and our credit got the apartment for us in a hard time which we 'shared' with daughter and two twins so she wouldn't go 'down'.

I am a much wiser person today. I am very disappointed but glad to be alive and working and to realize that drugs and alcohol and the people who use them...even when family and who I love and want to be better...can only help themselves and need to hit bottom before they are ready...their bottom...not mine. They will take us down with them.

I can only hope that my experience is helpful to someone...as I am really working my program...and being as realistic as possible about those I love and care about...and always have; always will; and I have learned that those I give to, will most often turn on me when I am in need...so in recovery will improve and hopefully find better people for me in this lifetime.
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Old 09-02-2013, 05:21 PM
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Blow Out With AM Last Night

Dear IrisGardens,

Your wisdom is amazing and in answer to you: you have helped me by posting the experiences with addicted people immensely. In short, you nailed it that, for me, they find everything about me after that something to pick on, lecture about, and I'm coming away in turmoil. This has been a problem for too many years and it will stop.

I think a visit or more with Alanon is a good idea in order to find more loving people in my life. I am only looking for friendship and support and the common bond we experience. In turn I am able to offer support to them as we. Thank you for sharing your wise information. Many Blessings To You!! Ipanama
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:18 PM
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Thanks, everyone, for your replies and letting me vent. Things have been pretty quiet around here since my post... I keep bouncing back and forth between feeling anger, guilt, denial, and just general sadness. It's like being in a perpetual grief cycle. I feel numb. I remember the pieces of her that are maternal and loving, and then I break down. I know that I will likely never see that side of her on a consistent basis- and I have day dreamed about going no-contact more times than I can count. It would be better for me (and my fiance)- and I am fortunate in that I am very close to his family. God forbid we have any children in the near future; I can't subject them to this kind of behavior.
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:13 PM
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Originally Posted by zoelu View Post
Thanks, everyone, for your replies and letting me vent. Things have been pretty quiet around here since my post... I keep bouncing back and forth between feeling anger, guilt, denial, and just general sadness. It's like being in a perpetual grief cycle. I feel numb. I remember the pieces of her that are maternal and loving, and then I break down. I know that I will likely never see that side of her on a consistent basis- and I have day dreamed about going no-contact more times than I can count. It would be better for me (and my fiance)- and I am fortunate in that I am very close to his family. God forbid we have any children in the near future; I can't subject them to this kind of behavior.
I'm so glad you have the forethought to consider how children would fit into this. I nearly lost my kids to CPS for something my AM did. That was when I went No Contact. I haven't talked to her in 14 months, and I can honestly say I don't miss that craziness one bit. I thought it would be really hard, but it was actually easy. It's amazing how quickly one can adjust to peace and serenity! Granted, I still struggle daily with my rampant ACOA-ness, but she is no longer fueling a raging fire. I can focus on myself without even thinking about her. Some of my family is even getting on board with detachment/No Contact. I never thought I'd see the day that I wouldn't be the black sheep who is just completely crazy and my AM is FINE. God, I hate that word.
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Old 09-19-2013, 12:12 PM
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My am is like yours. I cut contact years ago and my life improved.
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Old 09-25-2013, 10:16 AM
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Throw her out, but keep her dog. I hate to see animals suffer living with a drunk person.

Best to you - you deserve a sane life.
Nancy
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Old 09-25-2013, 10:57 AM
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If and when you do have children NEVER let them say with her. Never, not even for one hour. I never did and I am so glad I didn't. And don't burden them with the "why". Just make it so from birth and they won't care much.
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