What is going on here? Help me decide--please

Old 05-28-2004, 07:55 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Pooh Corner, USA
Posts: 116
What is going on here? Help me decide--please

I have posted a few threads about a relationship with a friend of mine and I have yet to work things out with her! She is not my husband, not my family, not my children, but I can't seem to pull away. I really don't want to, but our relationship hasn't improved in a LONG time. Much of the hostility and anger comes from me and things that happened during a very difficult time for both of us.

I will try to give a "brief" synopsis...

We have known each other for 8 years.
Our daughters are best friends and she lives 5 houses away.
We got along great in the early part of our friendship. Things started to breakdown a little for me because she has a strong personality and appeared very self-confident, self-assured and she proclaimed that she had no self-esteem problems. She is very good at taking good care of herself and putting herself first. ALong with this she has a way to become friendly and very talkative about intimate things that I would not ordinarily share unless I felt very comfortable. Her personality made me feel less of a person because as a current ACOA thread stated about me...ACOA lack an individual sense of identity. ACOA's begin to take on other people's opinions, defects and needs. WOW... this is so true...In our early relationship when I came across so confident and self-assured, she would "joke" about things that were really things that I was afraid to be like weak and someone with a low confidence level. I knew the things that she didn't believe in for herself were all the things that I was. I held it all in and it began to build but I felt that we could get through it and it was probably me that was the problem. She would paint me on a pedestal for my "accomplishments" and tell me how wonderful I was and that she wished she could do that. I was so good to be able to do it.
Ultimately our friendship "BLEW UP" when she began becoming obsessive about running. (this area of my life was secretly the only thing that made me feel good about myself) She kept going and going and kept pushing the limits and kept saying that she wasn't good and I was the best yet she had to run twice as much as I. I understand that this might seem superficial, but running as an ACOA was an unbelieveable key to my existence. I let up on my running to try to not be so obsessive. Her personality and ways of thinking were very dangerous for me. I was not jealous, but it appeared that way. I was so emotionally intertwined in what she was expecting of herself and what she put me on a pedestal about. It is very complicated, but a lot of hurt has transpired from this and I started to build up resentments. As a result of this, I hurt her also to get back at her. My whole self became intertwined in our friendship and I have now given up the things I enjoy and I have started to do harmful things because I am so depressed and unable to breakfree of the hurt.
She tells me that she wants to be friends and that she is upset that we can not make it and that her sadness is felt but she isn't going to be so sad that she doesn't take care of herself. I gave up running and she is running more. She said another insensitive thing the other day and she doesn't see it as being insensitive. Iasked her twice to apologize and she agreed it was not a sensitive thing to say, but she refused to apologize. After bringing it up again she said that apologizing isn't easy for her and that she apologizes if that will make me happy. It is always something that I take wrong because it "was not meant that way." I know that I have a lot of baggage that 12 months of therapy has not conquered, but I must resolve to myself if I should feel low because this person wants to be friends, but has a problem apologizing for hurts that she has caused even if they were "not meant that way" As an ACOA I have a long road with mental/depression problems that I am not sure will ever be handled completely, but I felt very hurt by this person and even though it might not have been something she could have worked on at the time it occured I was expecting some type of validation that she could have been more sensitive and work through that with me now. She just says because she takes the time to talk about it then she is invested and cares. She would give nothing of her own self for anyone else. It just is not something she would do. For example, she would never give up a run in order to help me out. She would make it out no matter what even if I told her that our friendship may fizzle because of it. I know that I am too dependent on this person and my therapist thinks I should end the relationship but it is going to be a LONG summer when her daughter is over my house ALL SUMMER in our pool and she isn't coming with her. SHe may not mind because I might be a nice babysitter all summer if she doesn't have to be at my house as she once was having fun together.

Now that I have fallen apart and she has seen the light about what happened it is too late. I can't accept it because I have dug myself so deep that it hurts too bad. I just want to live again. How do I make peace without alienating my daughters friendship. I care for this friend but I am so hurt that I destroyed myself.
runningfree is offline  
Old 05-28-2004, 08:21 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
spirit's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: perth,western australia
Posts: 1,460
hi running free, thanks for sharing.

seems there are two things happening here, one is your stuff and one is hers.

in terms of her, sounds like she is playing mind games with you and that maybe she is not as confident as you believe. maybe she likes to have people around to boost her own ego, or rather to give herself a benchmake to work towards, rather than really being able to be happy with HERSELF. she sounds like a sad person really. i bet if you bought red nailpolish she would either a) buy it too to be cool llike you or b) say she wouldnt dare but you are so cool -- sounds like play ground stuff!

in terms of your stuff, you need to take a step back, think of youreself (separate to her) and write down who, what, where etc you want to be. then focus on being and doing those things. you dont need her around to do them, rebuild your confidence in yourself, grasp the things you want for you first. if she wants to come along that is ok, but dont lose sight of the fact that you are there for you first.

so if running is your thing, then do it!!!! no matter what she thinks or does, do it cause of why you want to etc.

hope this helps, but i understand that when you fall into such a hole it is hard to climb out, so start with things that you can manage, maybe things that are only visable to you, till you get your confidence back.

hugs kath
spirit is offline  
Old 05-28-2004, 08:35 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Don't get undies in a bunch
best's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Forgiveness covers over many a mistake.
To forgive her will start to remove the pain inside of you.
Forgiveness doesn't need mean full reconciliation back to what was.
To end things all she needs be told is the truth as you posted here...

You want to work things out by yourself as that will help you grow faster then relying on her for support

If she is like a family member of mine, she will move on when she feels she can't be of help. The family member of mine does that often. By befriending people and then looking for things she thinks she could help with is what gives her purpose. Not saying this person is like that but from what you posted, it sure looks like that same person in many ways. Intentions are good but may not be there if a time comes you really need the help.
best is offline  
Old 05-28-2004, 08:41 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Don't get undies in a bunch
best's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
What Spirit/Kath said...
That is the other part of the family member here that fits as well.
best is offline  
Old 05-28-2004, 08:48 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Supply Manager
JT's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Running free,

What I saw in your post is something I have struggled with. I have a hole in my soul and for alot of years I waited for someone to fill it. What you said about "expecting some kind of validation" is what makes me think that. I want to HEARD.

I had a similar friendship not that long ago and it ended because it became a competition and she was the only one competing. I know myself well enough now that I know I get defensive so maybe that is what brought it out. The more I reacted the worse it got. And we WORK together, too!

I am with your therapist...let it go. And by all means RUN! OMG that can be your sanity!

The friendship I am speaking of has worked it's way out...we still work together and we talk. There is the familiarity of old friends but I will never hand my heart to her again. That might be a nice goal because your children are friends.

Time heels...
JT is offline  
Old 05-30-2004, 12:55 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Pooh Corner, USA
Posts: 116
Hey GUYS--- Thanks for the replys!!!

I have battled with this for quite some time. SInce I wrote this thread she has asked that we talk and I told her everything again. She has had her issues and she could not have given to me at the time. I understand that, but that time has passed and now she thinks by saying this that it will be all better. I don't know how to get rid of the resentment and feelings of inadequacy. She was sad that our relationship was failing but she never let it bother her life in general. She can be somewhat controlling or strong and I perceive this as being unequal. She is surprised that I would think of that as inequality. :banghead: I feel like I keep hitting a brick wall!
It is hard to give it up and it is so hard to start over again after throwing in the towel.
Thanks for everyones kind words...
runningfree is offline  
Old 06-07-2004, 09:20 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2004
Location: fresno, ca
Posts: 17
Keep running it help with the depression. Usually when I have slipped back into a depression stopping exercising is the first to go. Then I will stop doing things I enjoy and beore you know it I am thinking negatively and begin isolating or sleeping too much. Next thing I know the depression is right on top of me and I wonder why I did't see it coming. It is always a downward spiral. Now if I see any of those signs I know its time to check myself and see whats going on in my life. I urge you to start exercising again. Take little baby steps to get you moving in a positive direction again. Before you know it things will get better. The doctor that told you "that thats about as good as you will get" is an idiot. Just because he is a doctor doesn"t make what he said true. A doctor once told my mom she had cancer, it wasn't true, a doctor told me I had a heart problem. Ten years later I get checked and guess what I have a healthy heart. I am sure there are all kinds of stories out there like that. So don't accept that as your personal truth, keep trying never give up and settle for anything less.
dark angel is offline  
Old 06-08-2004, 09:28 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by dark angel
The doctor that told you "that thats about as good as you will get" is an idiot.
I totally agree. There are a lot of doctors out there who are clueless when it comes to this stuff.

"So don't accept that as your personal truth, keep trying never give up and settle for anything less."
Excellent advice dark angel.
Gabe is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:53 PM.