CatieNole

I am a 28 year old female and my father commited suicide on May 29, 2013. I feel so cheated. He was a hardcore alcoholic, drinking straight vodka out of the bottle. A week before his death he was on a binder and my mother and I had absolutly no idea what to do with him, he was driving drunk on a suspended license which stemmed from a previous D.U.I charge, he was on probation and he just would not stop drinking. I told him that day that I was going to call his probation officer and get him put in prison if he did not go to a detox center. He subsequently pinned me down and kicked me in the head. My father and I had such a wonderful relationship, he never even spanked me as a child. When he would go off on these bender's he became like Dr. Jeckyll. It was crazy psychosis. He was arrested for domestic battery and he violated his probation. They kept him in prison for 8 days straight, detoxing off of the vodka and all his psychotrophic medication that they refused to give him in jail. And on May 29th, he jumped from a bannister on the 2nd floor down to the first floor and hit the steps, splitting his head wide open. I can't help but blame myself since I was the one who put him in jail. My heart tells me that it was my fault, but my intellect tells me it was he who made the choice. Above all else, I just miss him. He was my everything. He was such a wonderful man; giving to so many people. I start back my last semester of Graduate school tomorrow and I am just so scared to re enter society with this tragedy under my belt. I feel as though its change who I am. I have not been the same since May 29th, and I feel as though I will never be the same smiling, happy go lucky person I was before the incident. I feel like no one understands or will even care.

Mirage74

Wow, Catie, very sorry to hear that. I've never lost anyone to suicide, but I did lose my father several years ago. It was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. Just try to remember, it wasn't your fault, you were trying to help. It sounds like the jail may have been negligent. Hang in there, there is a lot of support here.

NWGRITS

My heart goes out to you, Catie. None of this is your fault. Not one teensy, weensy, microscopic bit of it. Your father was an A, and obviously dealing with a demon much greater than himself. You couldn't save him any more than anyone else could have. I don't know the circumstances surrounding his death, but if the jail knew he was a suicide risk, then I would say there's a level of negligence on their part. This is just so awful. Please keep posting. We are here for you!

ACOAHappyNow

Please don't blame yourself. You did the right thing. I know it's awful to lose a loved one to alcoholism.

You did your best to help him (not enable him) and you deserve to be at peace in your heart.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is normal to grieve for a very long time after such a loss.

Impurrfect

Catie - I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree that this was not your fault. I'm glad you've posted here and hope you keep reading/posting. Is there a chance you can talk to a counselor or therapist? I know, years ago, a friend of mine went to survivors of suicide meetings but not sure if they still have them?

I think it would help for you to be able to get some f2f support, though we will do our best here.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Opivotal

Catie, I'm so sorry for your loss. Perhaps some counseling can help you cope with this awful tragedy. Please know, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Kialua

Catie, I'm so sorry as well. Please don't blame yourself, it was his choice. Please get some support and counseling to get through this. Praying for you.

Soberpotamus

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear father, Catie. I lost my mother three years ago, due to complications from a suicide attempt by drug overdose. I had shut her off eight months prior, so I too tend to blame myself. But in reality, she had been drinking since she was in high school... I shut her off because I was tired of the craziness and how much she ripped my heart out.

I can very much relate to what you must be feeling right now. I too know in my head it was her addiction that killed her, but in my heart... I feel I could have somehow prevented this and saved her

I got sober five months ago and am now getting through the grief and anger. And learning how to deal with my own feelings of guilt.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. It is very hard. I hope you can get some grief counseling soon. Hang in there.

Seren

Oh, Catie, I'm so very sorry to hear about your father. I really do hate addiction...such an incredible loss!

I hope you will consider looking into any available counseling services offered on your campus. Face-to-face grief support can be such a help.

Sending you hugs and prayers.

Hevyn

Hi Catie. I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier. I agree with the others - there is no possible way any of this is your fault.

I know how alcohol can distort someone's personality and turn them into a stranger. I was that way - and I never believed it when people told me how crazy I behaved, how mean I could be, how hurtful. The father you loved was not the drunken man who harmed you. Please hold on to the good memories and remember the person he really was. Know that he would never have intentionally done those awful things - and he wouldn't want to hold you back from finishing school successfully. I hope you'll stay with us here and keep posting. It could help you a lot in the days to come. We care.

Tuffgirl

Hi Catie. Rarely am I at a loss for words here, but today, words just seem so inadequate. I can't even begin to imagine your loss, and I am very sorry.

In comparison, my best friend drank herself to death last fall. Yes, it changes us forever. Yes, the grief lingers. Yes, facing people was challenging. And she was just my friend, not my parent. Here it is, coming up on a year, and it still feels so fresh and raw.

It isn't your fault. I often wonder about the "what if's". What if I said something different? What if I let her sleep on my couch after her foreclosure? What if I gave her more money when I knew she was barely rubbing two pennies together? What if I went to AA meetings with her until she felt more comfortable? But I know, intellectually, those wouldn't have mattered. Her choices were hers alone. My "what if's" are my own wishful thinking. I miss her. A lot.

Peace to you tonight. I hope you finish your graduate studies. Your Dad would be proud of you if you did, I'm sure. Do it in his honor.

So sorry for your loss,
~T

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Catie.

I was an active alcoholic for years - nothing anyone did or said made a difference until I was ready in myself to make a change.

This is not your fault - you were doing the right thing for you both - please be gentle with yourself.

D

EternalQ

Catie your pain is profound and above all I hope you hear in all the posts that we're here for you.

It struck me in reading your post that you had no choice but to do what you did... you were attacked. You were not safe. To not guard your own safety wouldve been very self destructive ....or worse, lethal.

Whereas despite all the mitigating factors, those who commit suicide do in fact make a choice. Which is something additional that the survivors are left to struggle with... on top of profound loss and grief.

Someone very near and dear to me survived a suicide in her family. One thing that helped her and her family tremendously was the group "Survivors of Suicide". If you feel up to checking it out here is the link for your state:
Florida Suicide Support Groups - Suicide.org! Florida Suicide Support Groups, Florida Suicide Support Groups, Florida Suicide Support Groups.

Key in helping my friend put her head around it all was to be with others coping with the same tragedy. It is very important Catie that you understand you are NOT alone.

Please keep posting and let us know how you're coping. We care.

Ann

Catie, I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain in your heart. Please know my prayers are with you and all who loved your father.

MsPINKAcres

Please allow me to add my sympathy in the loss of your father ~ my thoughts & prayers are with you during this time of grief & healing ~

Please take comfort in the memories of the good times & things you share together without the darkness of his addiction ~ because all of us who love someone affected by addiction know - they are way more than their disease ~ They are a part of our hearts and we can love them no matter what ~ even if we had to love them from a distance to protect our mental & physical health.

You did what was best for you & I'm sure deep inside your Dad would have wanted you to protect yourself.

take good care of you ~

gentle pink hugs

tootsl1

Catie you are in my thoughts sweetheart. You do not deserve for any of this to have happened to you, you are an innocent here. I hope you are able to talk through your feelings of guilt and grief and come through to the other side.

ACOAHappyNow

And Im keeping you in my prayers, Catie

irisgardens

Catie, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your father.

Suicide is a very challenging beast...although the underlying reasons are complex...and the alcoholism is truly not your fault, nor your choice for him to commit suicide...it is, in fact, an act of anger of the person against others. It creates terrible damage in survivors.

I hope that you can do what you need to do...support group, therapy, here...to believe that you truly could not have done anything to make a difference. On top of that, you were attacked and needed to protect yourself.

I am praying for you as you start your last semester of Grad School...that you can continue on with the life that you have chosen to live with healthier choices than your father. It is so darn hard, but you deserve it.

Blessings are going out to you.

guiab

I cannot put myself in your shoes, but I have walked a similar path. Grieving is rough, especially so when the loved one ends their own life.
Key point - Your dad ended his own life. It is not your fault.
My mother died in a car crash in my 2nd semester of university. She had developed a diabetic condition from drinking and has been blacking out. She should not have been driving. She was in a lot of emotional pain at the time from dealing with my alcoholic father. I once thought I could have said something the last time I visited, hugged her, or told her I loved her. I did none of these in the last visit. Like others who have lived with alcoholism, I have a strong and very false conviction that I can change the addict/alcoholic, make them walk a different path, and avert the disasters that they bring on themselves.
I compounded that mistaken belief in preventing the death by not talking to anyone (no a soul) upon returning to school. I had this male teenager idea that I could just move on, that grieving was weakness. I almost flunked out of school in my sophomore year (very distracted, lost motivation).
Talk to your teachers - you aren't asking for a easy semester or making excuses, you just need a little understanding as you work through the grief. They will understand. Find a few trustworthy friends/relatives to talk to. Don't be surprised if some fellow students/co-workers show indifference or make insensitive remarks - they likely have not endured anything remotely similar to your situation. I second the use of school counseling, but with a bit of caution. I used counseling in my senior year and in grad school, and I was not (in retrospect) impressed. In grad school I found a counselor from a private office that was much much better than the school's counselor.

ACOAHappyNow

Sending you hugs today, Catie