My father is dying of cirrhosis

Old 08-15-2013, 05:58 AM
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Unhappy My father is dying of cirrhosis

This is hard because I feel such guilt that I was never able to convince him alcohol was harming him. Never convinced him to stop drinking.

When I told him I felt his symptoms might be due to long term damage from alcohol, he got mad at me and insisted he wasn't drinking hardly at all. And sure enough I was right.

I feel some anger that he never listened to me and others who tried to help him.

I know it is just the disease of alcoholism, I shouldn't be angry, he wasn't able to break free of it.

I just have all these feelings. I hope he finds peace in heaven and happiness at last.

The whole situation is very hard.
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Old 08-15-2013, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow View Post
This is hard because I feel such guilt that I was never able to convince him alcohol was harming him. Never convinced him to stop drinking...
Oh goodness I am so sorry to hear that. It must be hugely difficult for you.

Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow View Post
... I know it is just the disease of alcoholism, I shouldn't be angry,....
How could you not feel angry? You would have to be a rock to have no feelings. There is a "slogan" in ACoA out here that deals with that. It says "You should not should on yourself".

Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow View Post
... The whole situation is very hard.....
No doubt. I hope you are taking extra time for yourself to deal with those mountains of grief and emotions. It's bad enough losing a parent, but alcoholism just makes it cruel.

We are all here for you, post all you want, that is why we are here.

Mike
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Old 08-15-2013, 09:48 AM
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Thank you so much Mike!

Those were just the words I needed to hear. It was such a hugely complicated relationship with my father. There was significant abuse but he also did a lot for me. And I know deep down that he loved me.

Alcoholism sucks.

Thank you again.
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Old 08-15-2013, 12:00 PM
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So sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you. Whatever emotions you are feeling are appropriate, as there are no "right" ones...

I lost my mother to her addiction, so I can relate.

Here for you...
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Old 08-15-2013, 01:51 PM
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Thank you SoberJennie! I am sorry for your loss.

How are you doing? I love the ACOA daily meditations you post!
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Old 08-15-2013, 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow View Post
How are you doing? I love the ACOA daily meditations you post!
Doing good Almost five months sober. Glad you like them. I think it's my favorite book so far.
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Old 08-15-2013, 04:03 PM
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I'm so sorry. Please don't be mad at yourself, you couldn't have done anything. It's impossible to control an alcoholic. Yes alcoholism sucks.
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Old 08-15-2013, 11:14 PM
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I am so, so sorry to hear this. Please be kind to yourself. None of this is in any way your fault. (((Hugs)))
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Old 08-15-2013, 11:22 PM
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My heart goes out to you. I watched my mom slowly die of alcoholism. It was devastating. Take care of yourself.
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Old 08-18-2013, 04:27 PM
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After having watched someone I love (my father) slowly kill himself with alcoholism, I can for sure say that alcoholism does suck. I am so sorry you are having to suffer that kind of pain and not be able to do anything about it. You feel so helpless especially when the person you love won't even listen to what you are saying its like talking to a brick wall and getting nowhere. Once again, I am so sorry as I have been there telling my father that we were going to be burying him soon and 8 days later we were.
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Old 08-21-2013, 08:11 AM
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Unhappy Thank you all so much. I looked back through my orders

On a big etailer all have heard of (not sure if its okay to name it here) and I saw I sent "It Will Never Happen To Me" to my Dad in 2008 and "Under the Influence" in 2011.

I bet he never read them. I bet they got thrown out because as he and his current wife kept saying, there is no drinking problem here, we are just perfect.

I wrote to him when I was 25 and again in my late 40s begging him to stop drinking, getting only defensive and angry replies. The one I sent five years ago got a reply of, "I've been drinking all my life, and Im old now and don't have many years left, so just leave me alone."

Last year, I offered to get him rehab with the hospitals here, he said no.

He's not talking to me anymore, and I think in part it's because he knows I was right and he can't hide behind denial anymore.

I'm trying not to obsess about it all but I guess Im not trying hard enough.

I just think, what a wasted life he had, littered with failed relationships, brushes with the law, abuse of children he had power over, and him always in a fog of negativity and depression and cynicism because of the alcoholism.

He got things accomplished, he was a hard worker, but from the outside his life looked like misery and sadness and I always wished for better for him and tried to lead him but he wouldn't follow.

No one can say I never tried to help him.
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Old 08-21-2013, 09:54 AM
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You will get through this, it will get better. You did your best, but we can never control others especially alcoholics.
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Old 08-21-2013, 12:02 PM
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I am so sorry... you did try to help him. We always wish we could have done more. I wish this too, with my mother. She is gone now. I still go through all the things in my mind and backtrack, still trying to figure out what I could have done differently. And she is dead. It's just nuts.

I hope you can somehow accept that he is beyond your control, like Kialua said above. He really is. It is his choice that he has lived, and is now dying, this way.

You are in my thoughts.
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Old 08-21-2013, 12:34 PM
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Thank you both so much! I even looked up if I could

Possibly give him a portion of my liver but my blood type is different so that wouldn't work.

I hope he knows I love him. I hated what alcoholism did to him and to all of us, but I loved him.
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Old 08-21-2013, 12:37 PM
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Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow View Post

I hope he knows I love him. I hated what alcoholism did to him and to all of us, but I loved him.
Of course you do. And I'm sure he does. And if you haven't, just tell him.
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Old 08-23-2013, 09:23 PM
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I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending peace and love for you. It is so hard when our addicts don't listen (& they never do)--out of contact with AM for this reason...she just had to pretend everything was perfect...and project all her 'stuff' on either my sister or me...when Dad died...I was the one that lost the game of musical chairs. It is very sad, but I know that I didn't cause it, can't cure it or control it. I am so grateful to be alive and living life apart from all that misery. I took a lifetime to go no-contact, but in the 6 mos since I did...life is SO much better...and your life is going to be ok. Just let him know you love him and know that you do. That is all you can do.
Gentle, gentle huggs.
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:19 AM
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I watched alcohol kill my father too, then I became the alcoholic. Finally sober for 6 months and I know I don't want my kids to watch me die. I am so sorry. I know how you feel.
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:33 AM
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Congratulations on your sobriety, Linda! Your children are so fortunate to have you seek recovery. That is a great thing for them. I'm 30, and my AM has been drinking for about 35 years. I live vicariously through other people who have "normal" parents. Lol

How are you doing, ACOAHappyNow? What have you done for yourself this week that is loving, nurturing, and kind?
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Old 08-24-2013, 06:07 AM
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Thank you so much everyone, I am so touched by your kind words and no longer feel alone with this. I am so sorry that you guys had to go through this too. Alcoholism is a terrible disease. It's like a tornado tearing through lives.

Linda, congratulations on your sobriety! I am so happy for you and for your children that you have broken the chain of alcoholism and misery!

NWGRITS, thank you for asking! I wrote a letter in a card to my father telling him I loved him very much and will be sad when he's gone. So he knows I do love him, just not the things he did when drinking.

I had a visit with my psychiatrist and talked about my struggling with guilt and how much the people here on SR are helping me. I know in my head that I didn't cause it, and can't cure my father or anyone else, but there is a disconnect between my head and my heart sometimes.

I spent time cooking and going for walks, things I enjoy. With the MS, I can't walk very far or long anymore, but I still get out there and it nurtures me.

The one thing that I did that I feel a bit ashamed of (but it helped me a lot) was to make a list of some of the more abusive things he did to me over the years and a list of all the times I tried to help him see he had a problem.

After I saw both very long lists, And discussed them with my husband, he said my father was very lucky I had anything at all to do with him after 18. I had to agree with that list fresh in my head.

At that point part of me (most of me) thought, I don't owe him anything at this point. Not my problem. And Im not wasting any more of my precious life worrying about him and trying to make him love me and trying to save him.

I know I sound very harsh but that's where I am and I like it better than the guilt and sadness so Im going to try to stay in this frame of mind.

Thank you all so much. I hope I won't dissolve into a weepy codependent mess again. I will try not to.
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Old 08-24-2013, 07:41 AM
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ACOAHappyNow--I applaud you for making those lists...you told yourself the truth. I may sound strong in my post, but still thinking of 'trying again' with AM...even though I know that it won't work. The feelings are so hard. However, after having spent so many years as a 'weepy codependent mess' and AM getting mean and rejecting...I, like you, had to acknowledge that there was more bad than good...and it affected my immediate family too. I hate alcoholism.
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