My father is dying of cirrhosis

Old 08-24-2013, 08:06 AM
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Thank you so much, IrisGardens.

My father had narcissism going on along with the alcoholism so the list is really very long. There are some things that would have had me taken from the family for protection, had anyone known.

So I think it is really okay for me to just take care of myself at this point.
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Old 08-24-2013, 08:11 AM
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The one thing my husband said that really struck home with me was, "it's not normal for kids to grow up being terrified of their fathers."
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:07 PM
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I was terrified of both father and mother, but father always made things right afterwards...mom just cut me off and took years to get over her anger and silent treatment (even as a child)--she didn't speak to me for 4 years after I married hubby (yep, she didn't like him...and although she came around...lots of scars). After Dad died, it was 8-9 years before she spoke to me...I had to stop going to the one day a year (Christmas) I was invited--because I couldn't handle it anymore. Now, 4 years later...went no-contact in February. Sometimes our husbands are a lot wiser than we give them credit for....my husband tried to tell me for years.
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:10 PM
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I'm sorry for what you have gone through. I'm glad you are safe and free now.
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:15 PM
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Hi. I'm sorry you are in that situation. Believe me, it is not your fault. I am praying that you will not blame yourself.
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Old 08-24-2013, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow View Post
My father had narcissism going on along with the alcoholism so the list is really very long. There are some things that would have had me taken from the family for protection, had anyone known.

So I think it is really okay for me to just take care of myself at this point.
I'm the adult child of alcoholic parents that will never stop drinking. I had to cut them off years ago, only letting my mother contact me via email. I got so tired of feeling like I was less than because my mother would get drunk and tell me what I disappointment I am. My dad was very violent, and as the other poster said, it's not normal to be scared to death of a parent. All you can do is forgive them, it is a disease, but you don't have to continue to have it be a part of your life. Abuse is abuse no matter physical or mental, and it's okay to walk away from it. Forgive him in your heart and accept that he doesn't want to change. Make your life the best life you can have.
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Old 08-25-2013, 04:56 AM
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Thank you everyone for your posts....a lot of hard won wisdom here. Thank you.
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Old 08-26-2013, 12:39 AM
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It's not harsh. It's exactly how we go about setting boundaries and detaching. You love him, but you can't go down with the ship. It's perfectly ok for you to feel the way you do. I still remember my therapist's reaction when he read my open letter to my mother. It was angry and raw, and painfully honest. He told me to use that energy to fuel the change within myself, to take all of that and turn it into nothing but positive, nurturing, self-love. That was the first time I ever really accepted myself for who I am.
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Old 08-26-2013, 03:55 AM
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Thank you so much NW! I am so glad you were able to not go down with the ship! I like that idea of using the energy to create a nice life for myself! I don't have very much longer, I think. I have MS that for the past few years has caused me to decline rapidly both physically and mentally (before I got this I thought MS meant you end up in a wheelchair...now I know it's also about hours where you can't get out of bed due to fatigue and about lesions in the brain and atrophy of the brain so that when you get to where you can't use your legs or arms, or talk or swallow, you usually also have bad dementia as well.)

I've been told I have a 40% chance of being alive at age 60. I am 52 right now.

I feel I do need to row away from that sinking ship because my time left is not unlimited. I will never be healthier than I am right now, at this moment. Time's a wasting. No more Codie weepy mess allowed for me, I gotta kick myself when I start going that way again!
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Old 08-26-2013, 04:09 AM
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I wanted to share something my psychiatrist said to me this week in the hopes it will help others.

She said my father used alcohol all his life so that he wouldn't have to feel. She said he was a coward in that sense, and that those of us who don't use substances to mask our feelings were brave.

It really helped me because I grew up thinking I was weak and cowardly because I had feelings and fears and my father didn't seem to have any emotion besides rage that I could see. I concluded there was something wrong with me for not being like him and felt badly about myself.

Now I realize he wasn't superhuman, he was just numb from the substance abuse. And that it's more brave to feel the feelings, than it is to drink to make the feelings go away.
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Old 08-29-2013, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow View Post
She said my father used alcohol all his life so that he wouldn't have to feel. She said he was a coward in that sense, and that those of us who don't use substances to mask our feelings were brave.

It really helped me because I grew up thinking I was weak and cowardly because I had feelings and fears and my father didn't seem to have any emotion besides rage that I could see. I concluded there was something wrong with me for not being like him and felt badly about myself.

Now I realize he wasn't superhuman, he was just numb from the substance abuse. And that it's more brave to feel the feelings, than it is to drink to make the feelings go away.
hello ACOAHappyNow. This really struck a chord. My father drunk to deal with his feelings as he couldn't live with himself. Then he raged. I am reminded of this when I see his family ("oh, your father had such demons" etc etc).

They drink, and then cause misery to others. You are brave as it took real vulnerability to have those feelings and sit with them in the environment you were in. I drunk on them, and it's really no way to live your life.

My father was also narcissistic... it's very damaging to those around them and we are no way to blame for their behaviour, pouring alcohol on disorders like that is total mayhem. Dealing with conflicting feelings for you at this time will be hard but you using all the support on here and outside will help you (as you are doing) . Thoughts are with you
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Old 08-29-2013, 07:51 AM
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Smile

Thank you so much! I'm doing okay really, found a couple of family group al-anon meetings close by where I live so think I will go to one, to help me fight against my Codie tendencies.

I've found some good info on the Internet about children of NPD's. The stuff about ACOA fit me, but there was always the feeling that there was something more going on, and finally when I read about NPD and the effects on children raised by NPDs, my family and my own struggles made so much more sense.

Well, brava to us for surviving, and high hopes that we all will thrive now and find peace in our lives.

Thank you so much for your post!
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Old 08-29-2013, 08:54 PM
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ACOAHappyNow...same story...my mother, not my father. Yes, ACOA works for me...but reading 10 years back about children raised by NPD's made all the connections.

Doing better and happier every year...even though there are tough times along the way.

Blessings to all here!
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Old 09-02-2013, 10:00 AM
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Good luck with the Al-anon meetings. I've been going to them for a while, and have formed a wonderful group of supportive friends.
Keep in mind that each meeting has a different vibe. They all work from the same script - the 12 steps, traditions, etc - but the players are different. You may have to check out several before finding one that works for you.
And you will see people putting boundaries to work and keeping those boundaries.
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Old 09-02-2013, 11:58 AM
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I read all your posts with tears in my eyes, I'm an alcoholic who is willing to get sober for good, lots of first days but I'm willing to stop. I'm only writing in this thread because my 6 year old girl asks me daily, every morning to promise her that I won't drink beer during the day. I am realizing she is already suffering because of my selfishness.

Another motive to make it sober to day two. Thank you, all of you.
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Old 09-02-2013, 02:22 PM
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Good luck to you fifth.
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