Husband is an ACofA...I am so lost

Old 08-07-2013, 04:48 PM
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Husband is an ACofA...I am so lost

I want to start by saying that my father is an alcoholic. His drinking has taken over his life in the last 5 years. Prior to that, he had a very slow build up to daily drinking. My husbands father, however, was the kind of alcoholic I thought only existed on TV.

My husband is an amazing man. He has over come so much, put himself through college, earned his doctorate, is kind and loving and just about all the goodies a woman could ask for wrapped up in a sexy package.

However, he cannot be wrong. If I ask him to do something different, he flies off the handle saying I think he is a piece of junk who can't do anything right. And then he starts in on me. I am bipolar (which I am not), it's stress and not him, I am insane, F you, the whole bit. It seems like the calmer I get, the louder he becomes.

Anyone have any words of wisdom on how to avoid all of this? What I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have happen is that I could say "Hey, baby, would you mind ________________" and have him not blow up, storm off and have to have a 45 minutes discussion on what I do wrong.
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Old 08-08-2013, 09:39 AM
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He and you should really check into Al-Anon.
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Old 08-08-2013, 10:05 AM
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All you can do is your part and stay pleasant.......does he realize he flys off the handle? If hes willing to change, then changes can be made. If not, then that is up to you if you want to walk on eggshells.
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Old 08-08-2013, 02:31 PM
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We see a lot of verbally abusive husband stories here. People think that it is caused from ACoA and I just don't think so. I say repeatedly that I think being ACoA makes us more introspective and more inwardly destructive than outward to others. We are more about being people pleasers and manipulators from having had grown up that way to survive.

Am I wrong?
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Old 08-09-2013, 09:59 AM
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I've been this way towards my husband in the past couple of years we've known one another. I am not sure if it was my drinking, or from being an ACOA. Or both. I am now sober, so we are working through it all. Things are much better. But this sharp tongue... I got it from my grandfather and mother... who were both alcoholics. He is a recovered alcoholic. She is dead from her alcoholism. Anyway, I certainly believe that verbal abuse can come from the alcoholic dysfunctional family, so I am going to have to take a different viewpoint that Kialua on this one.

Unfortunately, this is one of his issues that only he can correct. In the meantime, you can protect yourself by removing yourself from the argument, and from his physical presence if you can. My therapist suggested a 30 min time-out for us, and we've used it a couple of times. Other times, we didn't. But it can work. But YOU can simply not engage in conversation with him once he becomes abusive like this... and if he rants, just leave the room. That will let him know you will not take part in it.
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Old 08-09-2013, 08:19 PM
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I wonder if it is the drinking that when combined with ACoA brings out the verbal abuse and more. I quit drinking when I was 18 so it wasn't a part of my life.

But yes you should protect yourself, absolutely.
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Old 08-10-2013, 11:09 PM
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My husband and I can't have serious conversations face-to-face because I am likely to lash out and hurt him. I'm not an A, and we rarely drink at all. I can be awful to him, and I feel horrible for it. But, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and this is a part of my AM that I internalized and haven't been able to kick. If I get frustrated, upset, or feel that I have been wronged, I will unleash the fires of hell on the other person. It sucks horribly. I wish there was a magic pill to put a stop to it.
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Old 08-10-2013, 11:34 PM
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My mother was a ACOA. She never drank herself. My mother could never be wrong. I don't care what we were discussing, she was always right. She was the most "intelligent"" person in the family. My father was an engineer with a masters degree, but according to her, he was dumb compared to her. If things were not done according to her wishes, She would rank and rave all night if necessary. She was controlling and a perfectionist. Also, she had the view that things were either one way or another way. There were no in betweens. She preferred to be the center of attention in the family. She was over critical of herself, often making statements such as. "I never do anything right" . Or "God is punishing me." "I know you hate me." Etc...

She would go out of her way to help someone. She was extremely responsible . Always made sure we had a perfect meal, our clothes were laundered perfectly, and ironed perfectly. She always made sure we never missed Dr/dentist Appointments. She made sure our house was perfectly organized and cleaned. She always made sure we did well at school and was very involved in our education. She was very generous with money or her time and wouldn't think twice in helping a neighbor, family member or friend.

Are these characteristics of ACOAs?
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Old 08-11-2013, 09:44 AM
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Hello cleaninLI, and welcome to this corner of SR

Originally Posted by cleaninLI View Post
... Are these characteristics of ACOAs?...
Certainly are. We have a short list of characteristics in the sticky posts at the top of this forum.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html

If you browse thru the self-help section of your local bookstore you will find longer lists with many more characteristics.

The name "Adult Children of Alcoholics" was created back in the ealy 80's, when alcoholism was the only addiction studied in depth by the public health community. Things have progressed since then and you will find many groups, and books, listed as "Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families".

Which is my long-winded way of saying that it sounds to me like you are one of us

Mike
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Old 08-11-2013, 09:45 AM
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In a word, yes. Traits do vary, but for the most part those are ACoA traits. I have most of them myself. It's tough.
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Old 08-11-2013, 07:35 PM
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Thank you deserteyes and NWGRITS for responding to my post and making me feel welcome in this section of SR. I don't feel comfortable with hijacking pixie's thread, so I will begin a thread of my own.

Pixie, I wish I had some answers to your dilemma....but, I appreciate your post, since it made me think about some of my mother's behaviors.

Amy
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