stoopid guilt
 

My family of origin.and I mostly split last Easter we have kept a tepid polite "relationship" so that I can continue to be involved in my niece and nephews lives. I have made it clear that I do not feel like family to them, but I also will not be disrespectful I keep my lines clearly drawn. They are now flipping out because they are my"parents" and feel they should be at my surgery. The truth is my friend will be taking me and she is well aware of who they are and the games they pull, and I am not in the mood to ask myself nor her to put up with that while she does me a favor and I'm vulnerable. Realistically they will be perfectly pleasant but its a waspy unpleasantness derived from a search for power. I explained to them I do not want them there and have refused to tell them when or where it will be to protect myself. I told them I heard their opinion and have asked them to respect my choice if they want toshow they care. Last night it erupted with guilt flying every which way at me as I did my best to place it in the proper constructs of who they are and how they react.I'm well aware they care, but I am also well aware they are incapable of giving me what I need to have a loving healthy relationship with them.and quite honestly I have a right to recover in total peace!! Against my better knowledge I still feel guilty. Guess today is a good day to remind myself I need to focus on what's best for me. and by standing up for myself I have and that's something to be proud of!

Best wishes for your surgery. I'm glad your friend is going with you. Hugs.:grouphug:

Yes you do have a right to recover in peace. Read over the rights of the ACoA above for resolve. And maybe the How to handle guilt. You got a double whammy. I do understand recovering in peace. I had a surgery and I had a list of who I didn't want to come while I was in the hospital. You are an adult and can do what you like. Good luck, prayers for you.

As an update. Surgery went better than expected a full recovery seems to be on the way. My amazing best friend was there for me every step of the way, and when I cam home my other friends were too.

Family are the people who love you and care about you and support you. I consider my best friends to be my family, along with my husband and children. I count two actual immediate members of my FOO as family, but that's it. And I've never been happier. When people find out that my mother is still alive and that I haven't talked to her since July 2012, they act as though I've committed some cardinal sin. She birthed me, but that doesn't give her any rights to my life. She's gone, and I am so much better for it. (((Hugs))) for a great recovery and good friends. You deserve happiness.

Thank you very much NWGRITS. I have been pretty quiet on the board lately as life has become so wonderfully crazy. In a turn of events a week after my surgery I met a wonderful loving patient man who has brought so much joy to my life. I am now surrounded by so much love and support some days the only overwhelming part is realizing my blessings. Just last month I was without a car and five friends stepped forward to offer help. How blessed is that?
Without being in pain constantly lately I have actually managed to look around at the life I built in the last few years. It is calm and peaceful filled with loved ones and opportunities. I have had a few hiccups with the people I cherish in the past few months but I can proudly say that I managed my ACOA tendencies in at least my actions even when they tried to overtake my thoughts. Today I logged on in the pre-holiday stillness and for once lack of stress (a feat I never imagined possible) to see how far I have come and I'm almost shocked at the difference.
I wanted to write and update to show a good point in recovery and say how grateful I am for the tools, books, and people I have met in real life and on this forum. I know I have a long road ahead but for now this seems like a pretty good place to pull up a chair and enjoy the scenery. Today, I own my own life and my own happiness. My mother still drinks, the family is still crazy, but I own my life and they only get the pieces that are spares so they can't hurt me or steal my happiness. It's a feeling I truly never thought possible.