thotful

I have been estranged from two brothers for almost two years now. Long story short, I believed that they were disrespectful towards me, my DW, and my marriage. Statements like "she's crazy", "you're brainwashed", "I don't like her", "she's altered your personality", "it's in your best interest to divorce her because I know you - I've known you for 35 years" were made and ultimately, no amends was made. The most I got was "my bad" and "I'm sorry I upset you" from my two brothers, but then the behavior just occurred again.

Recently, I offered the opportunity for counseling with each brother and their wife (each couple separately). One brother did not respond, and the other responded and said a whole bunch of things that didn't make much sense. For example, he argued that "even though you're wife isn't my favorite person, I realize she will be your wife for the long haul regardless of my perception of her or her impact on your personality". He stated that he would not go to counseling because the last time we went (about a year ago that was all of my family, but not my wife) he thought I had only wanted to tell him and my other brother how horrible they were. He also stated that I'm more angry and cynical as I "weave an alternate life where you are an innocent victim in an alcoholic abusive family". He also stated that he doesn't want to dwell in the past and that he and his wife had been most gracious and kind with my wife and I, except for one incident. He asked if we could just "move past this" and be brothers again.

I'm confused. It seems like he continues to violate the deal-breaker boundaries (insulting my wife and marriage). It's like he is refusing to respect my boundaries, but then demands that I get over the past. It's strange, because I think the issue is in the present. He doesn't have to "like" my wife, I just want him to treat her with dignity and respect.

My father is a functioning alcoholic, and I've accepted that I am in the early stages of alcoholism and am working on sobriety (11 months!). Both brothers drink quite a lot, but I'm not sure what their relationship with alcohol is (not my inventory to take). I don't believe my family is alcoholic (strange to lump everyone together like that) - nor do I believe my family is "abusive". I have simply stated quite clearly the behaviors that are unacceptable to me - calling me names like "lazy", "stubborn", insulting my marriage, etc.

Does anyone have experience with this kind of thing? Do I just let this go completely and continue maintaining the estrangement because they won't be changing anytime soon? And, I have to protect myself, my wife, my marriage, and definitely my sobriety?

Thoughts?

(sorry about the length)

Kialua

Emotionally detaching from your family of origin is what helped me. You have to chose how much contact/stress you need and can handle. There is a long history and no quick fixes.

DesertEyes

Yikes. It sounds to me like you have been exceedingly patient and considerate of _their_ feelings, while getting nothing in return.

I don't have any brothers, so my experience is not identical to yours. I had various aunts, uncles, cousins who were completely against my recovery. Their behavior was similar to what you describe; directing the blame at others, attacking my program, my therapist, my friends.

What helped me deal with them was the concept of "boundaries" and "consequences". With some of my relatives I went completely "no contact", with others I made a list of behaviors to which I would just walk away, or hang up the phone. I guess that would be a "partial contact". Over the years I adjusted my boundaries as I became stronger in my recovery, and they became "trained" to my new strengths.

Basically, what "boundaries" did for me was to place the _reason_ for the estrangement on _their_ behavior. That made it much easier for me to break the "family guilt" that kept me trapped for so long. It was not easy at first, but in the long run it has been wonderfully liberating.

oh, don't worry about writing long posts. Make them as long as you want, we will read all of it just the same

Mike

irisgardens

I went through all of what you are talking about...and it just got worse and worse..finally went no contact in February after such a long period of time that I was 'losing' it and feeling guilty and blaming myself for not being able to 'unify' the family as I did when I was young. That was the crazy part. Grieved strongly for the next 3 months...and am so much stronger, happier, and healthier that I can simply say that you have done much more than can be accepted, but they are unwilling. Be good to yourself and your wife...you guys deserve it and you are doing work that the rest of the family can't or won't do...there is no bright light at the end of the tunnel...it simply gets worse. My experience. I wish I had been able to emotionally detach and go no contact sooner...it is like a new lease on life!

mrschoices

Three words:

Big Book steps.

Stop making it about others and REALLY make it about you.
God bless.