zoelu

My AM has been living in our basement since April. She lost her house to foreclosure and hasn't had a job in almost a year (her 3rd that she's lost due to absenteeism). She has no 401k, no savings, not even a checking account. She receives a little over $200 a month in food assistance, and has a 1998 ranger that is falling apart. Needless to say, we do not charge her rent of any kind.

She is 56- by no means "too old to work" like she claims. She does have a number of health problems (including nerve damage, fused vertebrae, arthritis, fibromyalgia). We were hoping for the possibility of her receiving disability, but she was denied.

So she is (reluctantly) looking for jobs and blaming everyone but herself. She's negative and moody, and I never know when she'll blow up.

Right now, she's on day two of giving me the silent treatment because I rented a movie in which a character's dad is a deadbeat that expects his grown son to take care of him (as if I could possibly know ahead of time)- she watched it and said: "Point taken. Don't worry; I'll get a job and get you your money back." That was the last thing she said to me. Although she had no problems saying things ABOUT me at the family get-together yesterday (along with mentioning that she's apparently thinking about moving out of state- that there is "nothing for her here").

It's just like being a child again. I'm uncomfortable coming home, I'm anxious all the time, and I hide in our bedroom every chance I get. It's affecting my work and putting a strain on my relationship with my fiance- and I feel guilty for putting him through something I promised I'd never put myself through again after moving out of the house I grew up in.

I just want her gone. Not just out of my house- out of my life. I don't want her at the wedding in 4 months, I don't want to see her at family gatherings and holidays, I don't want her around any future children we might have, and I certainly don't want her showing up here in a few years because she has nothing to retire on and can't even afford assisted living.

And I don't know what to do. Or rather, I don't know if my guilt will let me do what I WANT to do.

NWGRITS

You have to do what is best for YOU. If nobody else in the family will take her in, then just tell her she has to go by X date. You are not responsible for her. Whatever happens is not your fault. Remember the three Cs: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Guilt is a nasty son of a b*tch, and it takes a lot of work in yourself to become immune to her attempts to get you to continue enabling her. Formulate a plan with a clear deadline with your fiance, seek support and guidance from Al-Anon, and keep posting here. We are here for you!

GracieLou

I know how you feel and my mother is not an alcoholic. I wanted her gone. I felt better when she was far away from me but any contact and the anger, resentment and guilt were right there and as strong as if no distance or time had gone by. I felt like I did when I was a kid.

I had to let go of those resentments for me to move on. I was the one that carried them and the burden of them. I did not want to let go. I felt they were all her fault and I wanted an her to say she was sorry for all the wrongs and the mistakes I felt she committed. I wanted her to feel my pain.

What I found was many of the things I did in life were a direct result of harboring the resentments. Decisions I made were affected by them. Paths I took were affected by them. Lessons I should have learned and did not was a direct result of hanging on to them because I felt justified. I justified my actions and used the resentments to help me.

You cannot change your mother nor is it your job. The only person that you can change is you. You can kick your mother out of your life for good, believe me there are many times I wanted to but the guilt held me back, but even if I had those resentments will not go with her. They will stay and grow and affect my life.

I learned I cannot control her or her thoughts, they are none of my business. How she feels, what she feels, what she does, why she does them or what she does not do are not my concern. I had to also apply this to the past. I can only take my piece and my responsibility in the past, admit my part and move one. Sometimes just holding on to a resentment in the first place was my part and my only part but it was still my part.

My mother and I live together and the serenity prayer has become my friend. Sometimes I need it all day long. I am learning and it is a work in progress but it has gotten much easier after I identified my resentments, the reason I have them, my part in them and then let go of them.

zoelu

This. Every time I think about asking her to leave, I think about how it would feel to be jobless without any cash and any real place to go- and that's when the guilt sets in.. Of course, I like to think I wouldn't treat another person the way she has treated me.

GracieLou, how do you do it? True, I have resentment and anger to continue working through, but there's also still fear and a pseudo sense of self-preservation. When I hide in my bedroom, I feel scared. Can you believe it? Scared like that small child afraid of being smacked around. I'm thirty years old and the woman scares me in my own house. And she's smaller than I am! By a lot!

This is day three of the silent treatment. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or more stressed....

GracieLou

My mother used to give me the silent treatment too. The last time she did I was actually happy and when she did break her silence I told her to shut up, that I liked it better that way.

That was wrong of me. I should not have said that but I was angry.

Today I don't think that way. I am not all hugs and kisses with my mom. I love her but I keep my distance. I do not talk to her about my recovery at all. I cannot and I will not. Just as her issues are none of my business that part of my life is my business.

I cannot change her but I can change how I react to her. Many times I reacted to what I thought she was thinking or how I thought she felt or why she was doing what she was doing. Like the silent treatment. I thought she was doing it to punish me or get her way and while that may be true I do not know that for sure. I can only assume that and creating or hanging on to a resentment based on assumption is only hurting me.

What I can do is not build a resentment about it and not be afraid of it. I just let it be. I can't control it so why would I try. Attempting to control it or wishing I could control it only makes me crazy, not her. It only causes me to have a resentment, not her. In a sense it gives her control, not me.

The other part I have come to in my life is my mother is human. She has made mistakes in the past and I don't see her or I becoming perfect anytime soon.

I also come to a point of deciding what I am going to accept when it comes to others. In many ways I have come to accept my mother for the way she is AND I say the serenity prayer a lot to remind me to accept the things I cannot change.

irisgardens

I did the same kind of work...on myself...that GracieLou speaks of...felt afraid too. Over the past 13 years...I have been able to let go of so much and to realize that she is someone who never learned to be there for me...but that I am not that person. I am so glad that I have the capacity to stand by those I love without losing myself...however, I am content to let her be who she is and where she is (elsewhere, with other people...yes, she too has been a victim and talked bad about me with family)...and I am so happy to be myself with people who actually care...and that is not mom. I don't really care anymore what she is going through (although she is well taken care of by her money and situation left by my Dad, has all family dancing attendance, and I am just content to be me and with myself and those who truly care...because any other way was to just kill myself).

I fought her distance all the way...wanted more closeness...but an AM is incapable and I hope that you can find your way with you AM...my AM is the mistress of silent treatment...almost the entire 13 years since my Dad died (me trying to communicate), when I got married to my husband of 38 years (4 years)...it is funny to me now (wasn't before I worked on myself)...there are simply people in our lives who are not meant to be in them.

As for the caring 'for'...you need to take care of yourself first...and be healthy for you...and then whatever you can do for your AM without harming your own health can come...but she will continue to drain you unless or until you can safely detach and be there for yourself. I find myself very grateful that Dad left Mom with enough for her to manage for the rest of her life. I did, however, keep a place for her to stay (if needed) from the time I got married...realize now that it was sick. She has far more money than I do...I have far more love than she does. I feel like the winner...almost always have and always will.

God Bless.

NWGRITS

This definitely is going to take a lot of thought, and I don't envy you this at all. I've been there and have no desire to go back. How does your fiance feel about this? I can't imagine he's having an easy time of it. You are not required to care for her, just remember that. I couldn't sacrifice my husband and children for my ******* crazy AM. That's just me, though. I had built a family on love, trust, and honesty, and she didn't fit there. You need to figure out what is important to you (do you want children in a home with an A?), and go from there. You have my best wishes for the long, hard road ahead.

zoelu

He has been very supportive of us both (bless his heart) but he told me last night he is hitting his breaking point. He admitted that he doesn't want her in our lives unless she is taking care of herself, taking responsibility for her actions, not drinking, and not taking things out on me. He comes from a very large, very loving family and he is having a hard time trying to understand the dynamics of mine and my mother's relationship. Likewise, I am flabbergasted at the love his family has shown me. To be honest, I'm nervous about them meeting my mother at the wedding.. mostly because in the back of my head I keep thinking, "what if they start to worry that I'll turn out like her and their poor son will have to deal with it?"

The continued silent treatment only frustrates matters. She basically hides in our basement, only coming upstairs to let her dog out- she doesn't acknowledge either of us. Knowing her, part of it is embarrassment.. it isn't an excuse, though. The only thing more frustrating is my inability to just say, "Mom, I love you, but this just isn't going to work."