Should I cut off ties with my mother? Please help.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Should I cut off ties with my mother? Please help.
Today is a bad day. I just need to vent, and would love any advice or comforting words.
I am in my mid-twenties and have been dealing with an alcoholic mother my entire life. Growing up, I learned ways to "deal with" my home life, and counted the days until I could head to college. My mother raised my sister and me as a a single parent, and worked several jobs in order to make sure we had what we needed.
This brings me to her two personalities. Sober mom was a best friend, a shoulder to lean on, and always make sure we had what we needed. Drunk mom was MIA when I needed her (countless memories of being stranded at friends' houses because she forgot me, her being too drunk to pick me up when I was in a car crash, etc). During this time, I endured emotional abuse from her and some sexual abuse from a boyfriend of hers.
Because she always provided for my sister and me, and because she is a high-functioning alcoholic with a job (nurse), she seems to be in great denial that she did anything wrong in bringing us up. I tried to cut her off last year, and started speaking to her when she told me she was getting help. Well, that only lasted a short while. I taught abroad for a year, and I return, and I realize it is no better.
My sister has cut her off. I just had the worst conversation with my mother that I shouldn't have even had because I could tell she had been drinking. She called me a stupid little b****, that when I get my Master's degree like her then maybe I can tell her what to do, that my sister and I don't appreciate ANYTHING that she did for us growing up, that she thinks we hate her, that she feels betrayed because she has done all these things for us and now we are saying she is an "awful monster." (her words, not mine).
Sorry for the long rant. I'm sitting here in tears, and I just don't think I can do it anymore. She is the source of abandonment issues, anxiety, low self-esteem, and general unhappiness in my life. It's going to break my heart, because I absolutely love the sober mom, but I just never know what I'm going to get. I leave in 3 1/2 weeks to go abroad for another year to teach. I'm just so exhausted.
Should I just cut ties?
I am in my mid-twenties and have been dealing with an alcoholic mother my entire life. Growing up, I learned ways to "deal with" my home life, and counted the days until I could head to college. My mother raised my sister and me as a a single parent, and worked several jobs in order to make sure we had what we needed.
This brings me to her two personalities. Sober mom was a best friend, a shoulder to lean on, and always make sure we had what we needed. Drunk mom was MIA when I needed her (countless memories of being stranded at friends' houses because she forgot me, her being too drunk to pick me up when I was in a car crash, etc). During this time, I endured emotional abuse from her and some sexual abuse from a boyfriend of hers.
Because she always provided for my sister and me, and because she is a high-functioning alcoholic with a job (nurse), she seems to be in great denial that she did anything wrong in bringing us up. I tried to cut her off last year, and started speaking to her when she told me she was getting help. Well, that only lasted a short while. I taught abroad for a year, and I return, and I realize it is no better.
My sister has cut her off. I just had the worst conversation with my mother that I shouldn't have even had because I could tell she had been drinking. She called me a stupid little b****, that when I get my Master's degree like her then maybe I can tell her what to do, that my sister and I don't appreciate ANYTHING that she did for us growing up, that she thinks we hate her, that she feels betrayed because she has done all these things for us and now we are saying she is an "awful monster." (her words, not mine).
Sorry for the long rant. I'm sitting here in tears, and I just don't think I can do it anymore. She is the source of abandonment issues, anxiety, low self-esteem, and general unhappiness in my life. It's going to break my heart, because I absolutely love the sober mom, but I just never know what I'm going to get. I leave in 3 1/2 weeks to go abroad for another year to teach. I'm just so exhausted.
Should I just cut ties?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I'm sorry I don't have any wisdom to share with you but I understand totally.
My mum is great when she has not drunk any alcohol.
She is hideous, nasty, spiteful, argumentative, irrational and mean when she has drunk.
She does not have to have many drinks to get like this either.
I suppose I try to manage our relationship if that makes sense.
If she has been drinking then I don't want to be in her company.
If she rings and it is obvious she is drunk, cut the conversation short. I say someone is at the door or even text someone to ring me on my mobile so I can say I need to answer it.
For me it seems like every time the phone rings after 9pm I hesitate to answer it in case it is my mum drunk again.
She also has a way of bursting into tears whenever broached about her behaviour. I think she thinks the tears mean she's forgiven and the whole incident has been put to bed. But really nothing changes.
You sound like you have a good relationship with your sister. Could you talk more to her about how to handle your mum?
I wish you the best
xx
My mum is great when she has not drunk any alcohol.
She is hideous, nasty, spiteful, argumentative, irrational and mean when she has drunk.
She does not have to have many drinks to get like this either.
I suppose I try to manage our relationship if that makes sense.
If she has been drinking then I don't want to be in her company.
If she rings and it is obvious she is drunk, cut the conversation short. I say someone is at the door or even text someone to ring me on my mobile so I can say I need to answer it.
For me it seems like every time the phone rings after 9pm I hesitate to answer it in case it is my mum drunk again.
She also has a way of bursting into tears whenever broached about her behaviour. I think she thinks the tears mean she's forgiven and the whole incident has been put to bed. But really nothing changes.
You sound like you have a good relationship with your sister. Could you talk more to her about how to handle your mum?
I wish you the best
xx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Hi, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Actually she is/was an "awful monster", and she knows it. My dad was the alcoholic, and he was always employed and functioning, but drank and beat us terribly.
Before you cut ties with your Mom, or even as you do cut ties with your Mom, the only way I found relief was to be emotionally disconnected with my parents. After you have emotionally disconnected then it won't matter as much whether you have contact with her or not. It will be nice to be away for a year.
A few things that might help disconnect:
• Find healing for yourself first. This is likened to an emergency in an airplane where the oxygen masks drop down and we are told to put ours on first before we can help anyone else. If we try to help anyone else first then we risk harming ourself and even die rendering us useless to anyone.
• The Three C's of adult children of alcoholism
You didn't Cause
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it
• Please try reading through the stickies above, they have a wealth of information that might parallel your life more than you think. Knowledge is power.
Before you cut ties with your Mom, or even as you do cut ties with your Mom, the only way I found relief was to be emotionally disconnected with my parents. After you have emotionally disconnected then it won't matter as much whether you have contact with her or not. It will be nice to be away for a year.
A few things that might help disconnect:
• Find healing for yourself first. This is likened to an emergency in an airplane where the oxygen masks drop down and we are told to put ours on first before we can help anyone else. If we try to help anyone else first then we risk harming ourself and even die rendering us useless to anyone.
• The Three C's of adult children of alcoholism
You didn't Cause
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it
• Please try reading through the stickies above, they have a wealth of information that might parallel your life more than you think. Knowledge is power.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
My AM is always an alcoholic. The only thing that makes a difference is the alcohol itself. She's always selfish and mean, but her filter disappears when she's been drinking. I went No Contact a little over a year ago, after she almost caused me to lose my children to either her burning the house down or CPS, whichever came first. I've had most of my life to mourn my mother, so cutting her off was surprisingly easy. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. Nobody tells me what a crappy human being I am anymore, or what a financial drain my life has been, or how I'm nothing but a mistake. It's quiet in my head and I don't go crying to my husband anymore about not understanding why she is do hateful of anything and everything around her. I'm not saying it's the right thing for you, but I definitely think it's worth considering.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Posts: 21
Summer, so sorry you are feeling so hurt and confused. I can relate to almost everything you said as my mother has done/said the same things. My therapist keeps reminding me that she is deep in her addiction and it's not really her that I'm dealing with. I tried limited contact, but it just seemed to give her more opportunities to hurt me. I am going no contact now until I am sure that she is sober and owning up to her behavior. I wish you much love & strength in making your own decision about this. You're not alone!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 29
I am sending hugs your way- and hopes that the next few weeks go by fast... and that the distance will help clear your mind and some of the stress. I wish I could help answer your question, but I'm in the same boat myself.
My mom is pretty nasty regardless of the drinking. Alcohol just makes her slur and a little more difficult to understand. There was physical and (still is) emotional abuse- including beating my you-know-what and calling me a wh*** when I was 14 because she listened in on a phone conversation I had with a friend in which I said I was going to break up with a boyfriend of 3 months. I was so afraid of her, I stayed with him- and he was sexually abusive (the reason I wanted to end it). As afraid as I was of him, I was even more afraid of her. To this day, I still have issues with sex- despite being in a trusting relationship. And now she lives in our basement!
I can only imagine how hard it would be if sober mom was different than drunk mom... I'm taking a guess that she knows you aren't a fan of her drinking (whether you've explicitly said so, or not) based on the history and the fact that your sister cut her off. You could try taking some immediate space to get your bearings and then gradually build up a little contact. If you get on the phone and she has been drinking, tell her you have to go. As time goes on, you'll come to the "should I cut her off" decision on your terms.
My mom is pretty nasty regardless of the drinking. Alcohol just makes her slur and a little more difficult to understand. There was physical and (still is) emotional abuse- including beating my you-know-what and calling me a wh*** when I was 14 because she listened in on a phone conversation I had with a friend in which I said I was going to break up with a boyfriend of 3 months. I was so afraid of her, I stayed with him- and he was sexually abusive (the reason I wanted to end it). As afraid as I was of him, I was even more afraid of her. To this day, I still have issues with sex- despite being in a trusting relationship. And now she lives in our basement!
I can only imagine how hard it would be if sober mom was different than drunk mom... I'm taking a guess that she knows you aren't a fan of her drinking (whether you've explicitly said so, or not) based on the history and the fact that your sister cut her off. You could try taking some immediate space to get your bearings and then gradually build up a little contact. If you get on the phone and she has been drinking, tell her you have to go. As time goes on, you'll come to the "should I cut her off" decision on your terms.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
NWGRITS--I finally went no contact in February...and I am feeling so well, that I am wondering what the heck was wrong with me before.
I no longer do the things you talk about and although no one else in the family supported me...that is not new. It is like having a new lease on life.
I started out where you are summer...keep on coming back.
I no longer do the things you talk about and although no one else in the family supported me...that is not new. It is like having a new lease on life.
I started out where you are summer...keep on coming back.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I have one supportive family member on my mom's side, and it's her sister (who is an RA of about 10 years now). I don't miss the crazy train that carried the others, either! My dad has always tried to get me out of that situation, but I was brainwashed to want to stay in the chaos of my mother's home. My husband enjoys me a lot more now that I'm not having nervous breakdowns every-other day (and I an 3,000 miles from home, but she could STILL get to me!), but he still doesn't understand why I can't relax and get worked up over every single little thing like leaving the milk out. It's an ACoA thing, and I don't expect him to ever fully understand. I'm working on it
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Medford Oregon
Posts: 36
I understand what you're going through people in my life have been telling me cut my mom out for years because she is amazing when she is sober and in a good mindset but when she is messed up ( she's addicted to Xanax) she is incoherent sleeps all day forgets things and when she's coming down or withdrawing between scripts she's so mean!!! She's told me and I quote "I should have just aborted you like I wanted! But your dad said I couldn't because your grandparents would find out" whenever I move away she guilts me by saying the same stuff I don't appreciate anything or care about her. She is the source of a lot of my anxiety depression low self esteem and my own addiction to painkillers 
only advice I can give is do what is good for you and don't allow her to bring you down I'm in a situation I have no place to go at the moment so I'm stuck! Don't get stuck!
only advice I can give is do what is good for you and don't allow her to bring you down I'm in a situation I have no place to go at the moment so I'm stuck! Don't get stuck!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by LaFemmeNikita 
Summer, go abroad, teach and don't look back. Send an occasional postcard if you want, but never look back. You are smart, beautiful and lovable, and you will learn you don't need your mother.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Poway, CA
Posts: 1,636
Dealing With Mother
I am so sorry to read your note and know exactly where you are coming from.
I was in a similar situation myself. My Mother was bi-polar (undiagnosed). I wanted to cut ties when I got married at 18. Then I got pregnant the following year, she got reallllly nice. I didn't see at the time the correlation.
She stayed nice until the children were of the age to travel to visit, shop with her, etc. etc. Then she completely bypassed me and made plans with my children on my phones without consulting me. I was emotionally done, being careful to protect my sobriety. I ended up just killing her with kindness and doing what I wanted.
She wanted to drink at my home and I said no and she stomped off to a hotel. She was forever furious with me and used the children, my sister and brother, aunts and uncles as her allies in the war against me....after good counseling, it was determined she was jealous, lonely, depressed and ill. I ended up taking care of her when she got sick but after she passed I didn't not miss the criticism, harassment, vile language, etc. And I don't feel guilty at all. I raised the girls alone, got my BS degree at Pepperdine, and didn't really need that stuff.
There's a better way to handle it and I think moving somewhere far away is the best. Maybe be pleasant and if she annoys you just 'oops I forgot that I have to go to blah blah'. In other words, take back your power. Her behaviors don't really need to be focused on that much. She is apparently quite ill. Hope that helps just sharing my experience.
I was in a similar situation myself. My Mother was bi-polar (undiagnosed). I wanted to cut ties when I got married at 18. Then I got pregnant the following year, she got reallllly nice. I didn't see at the time the correlation.
She stayed nice until the children were of the age to travel to visit, shop with her, etc. etc. Then she completely bypassed me and made plans with my children on my phones without consulting me. I was emotionally done, being careful to protect my sobriety. I ended up just killing her with kindness and doing what I wanted.
She wanted to drink at my home and I said no and she stomped off to a hotel. She was forever furious with me and used the children, my sister and brother, aunts and uncles as her allies in the war against me....after good counseling, it was determined she was jealous, lonely, depressed and ill. I ended up taking care of her when she got sick but after she passed I didn't not miss the criticism, harassment, vile language, etc. And I don't feel guilty at all. I raised the girls alone, got my BS degree at Pepperdine, and didn't really need that stuff.
There's a better way to handle it and I think moving somewhere far away is the best. Maybe be pleasant and if she annoys you just 'oops I forgot that I have to go to blah blah'. In other words, take back your power. Her behaviors don't really need to be focused on that much. She is apparently quite ill. Hope that helps just sharing my experience.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
I am so grateful that the 'cravings' to 'make up with her' finally passed in February. I love her and always have...have always processed through the hurt and forgiven and forgotten...until I finally found out I had to forgive and remember...she just got worse and worse every year after Dad died...and I worked on my own codependency sobriety while going through 3 serial daughters addicted to drugs (2 funcional now; 1 not...still working my program). I am grateful to be in recovery...and to understand that it is possible to experience real love and acceptance...just not from our mothers...they are ill, abusive, and unless they deal with their own issues...will not change...but get worse. I am grateful that I can love her from afar...but cannot risk trying again...as she takes everything the wrong way and turns every positive into a negative or negative memory. I don't even know what the diagnosis is...wish I did...but do know that she is narcissistic and that her mother was clinically depressed...but her denial is so deep and so are siblings that I don't even want to know more any more. Taking care of my own health and recovery...and loving family of origin from afar...and living my own life as healthy as possible...and loving the healthier people who are in it as I learn, grow and change.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Poway, CA
Posts: 1,636
I can only say this here because it would not make sense elsewhere. I suffered so much all my life with my Mother, not understanding how I became such a target for her anger. It destroyed my self-confidence and I was a good kid and deserved much better. She passed in July of 2012 and my blessed cat passed in August 2012. I was so much more devasted about losing my cat. Only people who have dealt with a horrible parent can relate, I'm sure. In any other circles the problem would appear to be me. Thanks for letting me share.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Wow, so many stories here....yet when I was younger, I felt shame and embarrassment about my home life and what my Mother had become. Back then, I thought I was the only one. Everyone else seemed to have a Mum around, to go shopping, give advice, spend time with grandchildren.
I had to cut my Mother out of my life for the most part, to ensure peace. She could become very unpredictable and spew vile insults when drunk, so it was for the best.
I am very lucky though, I can remember the wonderful person my Mother was before alcohol consumed her life. She deserved a better life than she gave herself....the world would have been a better place had she let herself shine.
Unfortunately, apart from when I was a little girl, the most peaceful relationship I had with my Mother was after she died. My family were worried I would regret cutting her off. But I never did. I felt I hadn't choice or her life would consume mine.
I had to cut my Mother out of my life for the most part, to ensure peace. She could become very unpredictable and spew vile insults when drunk, so it was for the best.
I am very lucky though, I can remember the wonderful person my Mother was before alcohol consumed her life. She deserved a better life than she gave herself....the world would have been a better place had she let herself shine.
Unfortunately, apart from when I was a little girl, the most peaceful relationship I had with my Mother was after she died. My family were worried I would regret cutting her off. But I never did. I felt I hadn't choice or her life would consume mine.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by Croissant
Wow, so many stories here....yet when I was younger, I felt shame and embarrassment about my home life and what my Mother had become. Back then, I thought I was the only one. Everyone else seemed to have a Mum around, to go shopping, give advice, spend time with grandchildren.
I had to cut my Mother out of my life for the most part, to ensure peace. She could become very unpredictable and spew vile insults when drunk, so it was for the best.
I am very lucky though, I can remember the wonderful person my Mother was before alcohol consumed her life. She deserved a better life than she gave herself....the world would have been a better place had she let herself shine.
Unfortunately, apart from when I was a little girl, the most peaceful relationship I had with my Mother was after she died. My family were worried I would regret cutting her off. But I never did. I felt I hadn't choice or her life would consume mine.
I had to cut my Mother out of my life for the most part, to ensure peace. She could become very unpredictable and spew vile insults when drunk, so it was for the best.
I am very lucky though, I can remember the wonderful person my Mother was before alcohol consumed her life. She deserved a better life than she gave herself....the world would have been a better place had she let herself shine.
Unfortunately, apart from when I was a little girl, the most peaceful relationship I had with my Mother was after she died. My family were worried I would regret cutting her off. But I never did. I felt I hadn't choice or her life would consume mine.
No, not really. She's been dead to me for a while now and I honestly know that when the day comes that she passes for real, I'm not likely to be too upset. I know I won't attend the funeral. I have nothing to say, and I really don't want to hear people talk about how wonderful she was. She wasn't wonderful to me, she was a selfish b*tch who made me feel so tiny on a regular basis. In the interest of not snapping and causing a scene (my FoO is just as sick as she is), I'm not going to show. I couldn't afford a plane ticket, anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Poway, CA
Posts: 1,636
Should Have Cut Off Ties With My Mother
From my counseling over the years, I guess my Mother needed a target for her anger. I have struggled for years with not only being that target but having a brother and sister who weren't. My daughters confronted her about that and her response was "she wanted so many clothes". I found that interesting since I used my babysitting money from age 12 up buy or sew my own. As I once said in a family gathering at age 50 plus (sounding like a baby) "you treat everyone else like Kings and Queens and yet I can't do anything right".... No one stepped up for me. She had money so there you go. Behind the scenes they supported me for the 5 years I had 'No Contact'. Then she had a stroke and I ended up being the one to help her the most. A truly messed up situation. I just thank God I have found this resource because the outside world looks poorly on speaking negatively about your Mother. So I don't. I allow myself to feel bad for that little girl who was hit, screamed at, treated with scorn, etc. for the most ridiculous transgressions. I pouted when she hit and was hit again for that. At least Mommie Dearest hugged sometimes!!!! God Bless You All For Many Similar Circumstances!!!
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