Croissant

Yeah, I got that too.

I turned up for the circus. It wasn't my Mothers funeral to me, like you, I felt she had died a long time before that. For the most part, there was nothing left to grieve, other than the finality of how she wasted her life.

irisgardens

"She birthed me. A mother is supposed to nurture and love her child, no verbally and emotionally abuse them. She is supposed to fill hearts with joy, not crush spirits. A mother tells her children they are the light of her life, not the biggest mistake she ever made. So really, she abandoned me first." -- Thanks NWGrits...

I copied this and will be referring to it. I still love her; always will...but I have accepted that she always had to scapegoat either sister or myself...never Dad (who was perfect...not! he did, however show me love) or two brothers. When it was my turn to be scapegoated again...after attending her needs for 11 years after Dad had a massive stroke and also (in the 6 months afterwards) I lost a child to sids and being there just for her...when I was 35 and standing up for sister who didn't attend her but stayed in the family business making money for her...and scapegoating sister all over town...and me also defending sister.

I asked them both to please not talk about each other again in front of me...because all I ever said was...Mom, you know you love sister. Or...Sis, you know you love Mom. They have worked together for at least 35 years now in the family business.

The minute I asked for that...it was all over...they were already turning after Dad died...it was obvious from the body language...prior to that...in my life and being in denial...I would just go live my life quietly until they 'came back'. During that time recognized that I was going to be the scapegoat for a long long time...if perhaps the rest of Mom's life.

Since then I went from being hero to scapegoat...and am doing so much better as I have moved away...but I still have my hard days and times...this weekend being one of them.

Fortunately, hubby and I are standing together as we have through all our own hard times...and we know that we did for Mom together for 25 years of our joint marriage (now 38 years) until she turned on me and tried to get hubby on her side...wow! in addition to telling the family that my crystal meth addict daughter was not the crazy one...it was me (that was 13 years ago...and she is doing fine...but she and grandma still get along...similar family traits).

I am grateful for my Dad who was a giver...of time, presence, assistance to those he loved when they were down or sick or out. He did have rage issues and he did drink and that caused lots of problems, but after his stroke...he couldn't drink and those last 11 years of his life were some of my most healthy and content...despite the loss of my dearly beloved son.

I am getting better at taking care of myself...but it has been a long and slow process...still...it is so good to know that I deserve better than what toxic people dish out...for whatever reason. I now know that yearning for my mom to love/like me and treat me better than she did when I was down and out (I was always there for her as was Dad)...set me up for very unhealthy attractions to men and women friendships in my life...so I continue working on me, setting boundaries which is hard, but necessary, and loving myself as much as I can...in healthy ways.

Progress, not perfection.

FrankieMagpie

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am new to this site tonite and I am learning a lot. I have been struggling now for YEARS trying to understand my mother and our relationship and myself. Literally YEARS. Tonight I was speaking to a friend of mine online and she told me I really needed to check out an Al-Anon type group because what she was hearing were all the classic signs of a drug addict or alcoholic and seeing as her mother died from drug abuse, well she would know. I am in the middle of moving 1800 miles away in a week and will join a group when I get there, but was hoping to find some companionship tonight.

Original poster: my mom is not an alcoholic. My mother is I BELIEVE in my heart of hearts a prescription drug addict. I think she has been for a very long time but as she's gotten older and she's accompanied by aches and pains, I think it's been exacerbated and the lashing out and name calling is coming with shorter and shorter breaks in between. Now it's every weeks instead of months. A few months back ago I DID make a statement to a friend that "I never know who I'm getting anymore when I call her. I don't know if I'm getting happy mom, depressed mom, angry/bitter Mom or off in the ether somewhere Mom" who has no idea what day it even is.

Many of my friends tell me I have to make a decision for my own sanity whether to walk away/cut off ties/back off our relationship or keep being a whipping boy (in my case a girl LOL) and I am at a crux of not knowing what in the hell to do. I grew up with ONLY my mom (father was gone and he was an alcoholic as it was), no siblings, no cousins, etc. I don't think I know HOW to live a life where I am not constantly striving to maintain a relationship with my mother. This is absolutely breaking my heart but I know that I cannot keep going down this path.

Tonite was my first nite reading the 13 signs of an (adult) child of an addict. I have like 12 of the 13. Now I understand me more but I guess it doesn't change anything other than being aware.

Ipanema

To Frankie Magpie,

Dealing with an addict, whether it's alcohol, prescription drugs, etc. is nothing short of crazy making. I know from experience with my own Mother, Father, Husband, etc. I truly believe that this is an inherited disease that you can't cure or even help. The addict will lash out at whoever is there as my Mother did until the Nursing home put her on heavy duty meds as she was about to be evicted from there.

I am not a professional but dealt with addiction myself and with addicted people. Your move 1800 miles away is fantastic. Going to Al Anon would be fantastic. These people know what they are talking about and experience is the best form of insight. I applaud your idea to do so and hope this is a great help to you. There is a fourm on this site for Adult Children of Alcoholics which help me greatly. Being an addict and a child of addict I qualify for almost all 12 step programs and probably could start some new ones, ha!

Your life is so important and she has to take responsibility for her own addiction. Maybe you could write kind letters to her but maybe "not able to afford a phone" to protect yourself. My life was greatly impacted by the "walking on eggshells" and "not knowing what to expect with each encounter" and I found out it wasn't my fault. I found out when I was over 50 years old and spent much of my life with great anxiety about her next behaviors before the fact and manipulations beyond belief. I wish for you that your Al Anon meetings and other support systems will help you to exit this relationship that is causing you such anguish. Life is hard enough moving, supporting yourself, etc., that you need supporting people in your life, not those who would try to bring your down. The better I became, the more accomplishments, etc., the nastier she was. This mindset is so foreign to me I never figured it out and really don't have to. Much luck to you and hope to hear from you how things are going. I feel your pain. God Bless.

aimeelouise1994

This is the same situation im in but ive recently juat learnt im pregnant, so I have to learn to let her get on with it for the sake of my child I have to walk away. Always remember you did not cause it and you cant cure it, one day she will look back and realise what has happened and come back to both of you, im hoping this happeneds in my situation, always feel free to message me I understand how u feel xx

overitall

YES!!!! I'm 36 and have dealt with the same thing my whole life. My sister and I both just cut ties with her for good. After she was abusive to my kids that was the last straw. She will continue to be a problem I wish I would have done it years ago.
It's funny how they all say the same thing they did so much to provide for you?! Really providing some love and protecting me from sexual abuse from her boyfriend too would have been good enough. And we are so ungrateful? What should we be grateful for that we didn't go insane? Ugh unreal!!! Let her go!

EveningRose

Ipanema, my heart goes out to you. At the risk of thread-jacking, and yet, I think it helps all of us to hear the stories, because it helps us see we are NOT crazy, I'm right there with you.

In so many ways, on the surface, we looked like a good family. My mother did not beat me, she fed us, our house was spotless, we had clean clothes. I ran into someone who knows her and was gushing about how CHEERFUL and PERKY she is.

REALLY????? My memories of her are bitter, complaining, saying nasty things about other people, lips pursed, eyes narrowed, gossiping, ANGER, swearing, crying, meltdowns. Finding fault with me. I realize only as an adult that this woman has thought I was a liar since I was quite young. I absolutely am not. I've been honest too a fault, telling people more than is appropriate and I realized it's because I'm trying SO HARD to make sure I don't inadvertently mislead them...because she treated me like a liar.

(I believe it all backs up to my dad taking me to a soft core porn movie when I was quite young, figuring I wouldn't say anything or ever even remember--but I have SHARP, clear, vivid, Technicolor memories of that movie to this day.) I believe it was easier in the early 70s to call a 3 year old a liar and insist on it for years than to face that she'd married a creep and a pervert and better figure out how to become a single mother.)

Like you, I was a good kid. Straight as an arrow. Good grades. Involved in activities, did well with them. I deserved better.

Like you, I can't foresee myself being upset over her death, when it happens. Only sad that she took this beautiful life God gave her and spent it on anger, hatred, and bitterness.

EveningRose

As you've seen, many of us can relate to what you're going through.

I don't think you have to make a cut and dried decision. Go abroad, teach, as someone else said, send a post card now and again if you want, and simply carry on with your life.

I never formally 'cut ties.' After one particularly unpleasant day of listening to my mother say nasty things about everyone, including me, I said good-bye and headed home, knowing I would never bother calling her (and setting myself up for another session like that) again. Lo and behold, she has never called me, either, in 5 years.

Ipanema

These people are not Mothers. They are using the fact that we owe them to dump all their problems on. When I got sober my Mother was Mad..now I would be able to compete with her in her mind. She wanted me to be errand girl, psychologist, companion, and put up with all the nastiness at the same time. I quit calling her after I decided she was ruining my life. She didn't call me either and acted with my children that she was so distraught. After 5 years, when I did see her under family circumstances, she stuck her dang tongue out at me and said I never lost any sleep over you!!! When she became ill I took care of her..then put her in Board and Care..and then a Rest Home...She was diagnosed later in life as Bipolar...I found it being in the same room with her so uncomfortable..knowing she was thinking critical things. The last time I saw her she said, "come here so I can hit you" because I had to pay her bills. If she could have found someone else to target her anger she would have. She made Betty Davis in Mommie Dearest look like a Saint. May she rest in peace. I feel a great sense of releaf that I no longer have to deal with her. I was the oldest and had a younger brother and sister. She never treated them like she treat me. I would suggest to anyone to move far far away. It's a prescription for disaster to stay...Also, when she interfaced with my friends she also picked me apart, but my friends understood that she was a real crazy B.

Ipanema

What ACOA did for me was realized how damaged I was and go easy on myself.

I wrote down all my good traits to offset some of the problems and I came out way ahead.

It gave me a sense of freedom knowing why: I don't like big groups, I am afraid of authority figures, hate conflict of any kind, don't like being the center of attention, etc.

I later learned that the world would be fine if I didn't push myself to be some of the above things..and, it turned out to be true. I can be Me which is a pretty good thing, most of the time. Since I am retired now and my children help me to have comfortable life, I think I turned out pretty ok. It was hard to realize that I really didn't have a Mother like others did..but many Angels in my life helped to ease the pain. I had to learn it was not about me..some Mother's visit their son's on Death Row..her big thing with me was I pouted when she screamed at me. Now I pout every chance I get, ha! Good luck1

EveningRose

Wow, I feel like I must have written that under a different username! Yes, my mother has never been interested in anything I think or have to say. She has used me for years as 'the wall,' expected to sit and listen while she vents her spleen against everyone she hates. It's the emotional equivalent of being beaten, to be subjected to such negativity and hatred and anger. I have in the past left the phone to use the bathroom or run the laundry, and when I come back, she's still talking, never noticed I'm missing.

Yes, she acts to my children as if she's distraught, though she has never once called, and walks right past me in church without so much as looking at me!

Yes, she'd sit down and visit with MY friends and tell MY FRIENDS bad (and untrue) things about me. Luckily, they, too, think she's just crazy. But who DOES that to their kid????

And Yes, she treats my sisters differently. She's all happy, cheery, drinking alcohol from the bottle with my younger sister, and laughing it up, gushing over her kids (she frets over whether mine hung the hand towel back in the right centimeter of the towel bar), and laughing about how this sister is sending the kids home with their dad so she can go get sloshed at a party! (With me, she's a teetotaler, it's the sperm donor who's the alcoholic. Not that I want to be laughing over a bottle of alcohol with her, just to say, she behaves very differently.)

snsaundersva

I can sympathize and actually need a little encouragement myself. I'm 30-something and grew up with a father that was a hero when sober but a junky more often. His thing was crack and weed. We could almost bear with the latter but the crack had things out of control. Mom was always working, doing extra jobs to make sure ends would meet, so being the oldest I was a mom for my brother and sister. When he was not high, he was our hero. A stay at home dad. Taught us how to cook and had us in the bible learning about God. But just about every 3-4 days, or on payday (we had it down to a science) Some weed head or drughead was in the house. When I was 19 with a 3-month old baby I moved out. I couldn't bear my child being in the same house with someone smoking crack in the next room. I love my dad, but I hate him when he is high. Here in the last few years he has had numerous bypass surgeries and a strong decline in his health, partially related to his drug use and other injuries he had from the military. This last surgery the doctor told him there was nothing else he could do and if he had any more episodes with blockage he would amputate his leg. Do you think that stopped him? No, he still can't keep the pipe from this mouth. So I tried one last effort and let him stay with me for 2 weeks while my mother went on a business trip/vacation. He was recovering from a severe infection related to his surgery and needs constant care to remember his mountain of medicine he takes every day. We kept him fed and comfortable, the husband and kids all working together to take good care of him. He STILL couldn't keep the pipe away and so I am in the process of emotionally detaching. He left this morning to "go for a ride" and I packed his stuff up and took, it over to my parents house. I never want to see him again, I'm so hurt and angry. I hurts so much but it hurts more when I think he has finally stopped and then he does it again. Sure, I don't live with him but he IS my father. It also hurts when my mom goes overboard to take care of him and protect his health while he throws it away. We are a Christian family, so I wouldn't ever condone divorce, but I told my mom she should leave him and enjoy her senior years without having to run behind him all the time. I just don't know what else to do.

Ipanema

To SNS....,

I am so sorry for all you have had to deal with and it's sounds like you're at your at your wits end.

There are Counselors who specialize in this type of dysfunction. I hope you can find someone thru your Physician or friends and family. You really aren't responsible for someone who doesn't respect their body. You have your own family to be concerned with. Good luck and be blessed! Ipanema

Ipanema

To EveningRose,

Yes, you identified with the writer and I identified with you ..the part about telling your friends bad things about you is just heartbreaking and I had the same thing. And she's oh so happy with everyone else and you get the "wall". Bizarre and frankly I think these nuts are just freakin idiots, determined to try to destroy their own children's lives for some unknown reason.

I went 5 years not speaking to her...then she needed help after a stroke and I was back because the 'good children' were, for various reasons, unable to handle it. I did everything necessary to see she had a comfortable life until she passed 2 years ago.

There's nothing to miss and nothing to mourn. I guess, just because they are your Mother, doesn't make them Kind, Loving, Supportive, etc. I always had the wrong look on my face and was 'too self centered if I asked her a normal teenage question'. I heard other Mom's being so sweet and I cried myself to sleep.

I went the opposite with my children and they turned out great...well educated with successful husbands! I rarely disciplined and, if so, it was 10 minutes sitting on the side of the bed. They were actually kind of bratty but, by being the opposite of my Mother was the only way I could figure out to Mother.

My Counselor told me it was never about me. He applauded the years as he observed my constant help for her. She took all her anger out on me until she passed. Sometimes we are just dealt a difficult hand and do the best we can. I didn't move because I wanted the interaction of some of the other relatives.

My life is much easier now except for some debilitating health issues. All that I went thru made me stronger and very protective of myself. I don't allow anyone to abuse me in any way. I kill some with kindness that I have to interact with and it works. That's my story and, again, I was happy to hear it was never about me from my Counselor. So I'm working hard to get better physically and have a Surgery to help me. Then, I'm ready to go!!! Hope this helps a bit!! Be Blessed and know you are not alone!!! Ipanema

NWGRITS

God would never want us to stay in abusive marriages. The "no divorce, ever" thing irks me to no end. You have a right to be safe and loved. When the spouse is an addict, they have already broken their vows. They are cheating, and their lover is their DOC. I would never, ever tell someone to stay in a relationship with an addict because divorce is wrong. Even the Bible lays that out.

With that being said, whether she were to choose to divorce or not isn't your business. It's not your choice to make, and it's not your place to judge. You can't make another person do something just because you want them to. They're grown adults. They'll figure it out in time. Or they won't. There's nothing you can do about it either way.