Self-Esteem Depleter
 

Two days ago my mother manipulated, shamed, humiliated and taunted me...she is f-cking brilliant at this...there may be no one smarter than her anyway, never mind the fact she's getting sicker with each passing month now...

Maybe when she and my father were together over the weekend (he travels an awful lot these days) there was some tension that built between them...maybe it's just the disease building up again...I'm not sure, it doesn't really matter why it happens...

In the past I would email my father when she did this all hurt and upset but did not do that this time...

When my father did not receive an email from me but did speak to her, he emailed me himself to manipulate, needle and push the thorn in deeper...you know, that subtle but not so subtle "Im validating your mother's abuse" type of manipulation...he's sick too....I did not react.

I sat with all my pain and took it to God...I got out AAs Big Book and read step 4 resentments where it says they are perhaps spiritually sick...we don't retaliate...we would not treat sick people that way...and if I retaliate I only give others more of my Power.

I was screwed up anyway and could not find my voice at the meeting that night...I was confused and all over the place...I could not be of service...the damage was done for that day anyway...

The next day I unfortunately had to go see my mother and take care of some paperwork. She sounded very happy on the phone...she had gotten her relief...sucked me dry of emotional security the day before...she was ok again...for a while anyway until the pressure builds again.

They do not remember what they did...not really...whether its taking a drink or beating the heck out of another psychologically, all they feel is that they've gotten relief...they can't really recall the horror they were in before or while they abused you.

On the phone with her Planning what time I'd come do the paperwork, she tried to start topics of conversation like we did in the good old days before i knew what was going on...her doctors appointment had to be rescheduled and her plans for the day were a bit off now, oh darn...and Aunt Betty called this morning and the lawn mower guy is at the door...I just did not give a shite about her day..I was tired and depleted...I was sick of the whole cycle of psychological abuse thing...I had nothing to say except what time would you like me to show up...I've got to go brush my teeth and get dressed.

I was too wiped out for even a shower...my health has been getting bery bad lately and i was in the hospital with machines hooke up to my heart last weekend...my day would contain nothing but trying to not have a heart attack due to adult child exhaustion...I would work hard on myself and stay at home isolated, too tired to go anywhere...reading my recovery books...a job? Are you freaking kidding me? Lol...

She seemed a little surprised i did not want to talk about the weather or people or her day. She actually suggested I "bring my swimsuit" to her house and was chipper and cheery running around high on her morning coffee to inflate her
once-again fed narcissistic ego...she was good, man...she was alive...she had bery effectively sucked me dry of self-esteem and could survived for another few days or weeks even maybe this time...

I showed up, took care of the paperwork...I did not want to stay for lunch or see her garden. I watched her run around with my self-esteem unside of her...I could actually see it this time...she could deal nicely with the landscaper and other strangers..it was f-cking good for her, real good...

I was not my usual happy people pleaser self... after 5 minutes I said I needed to get going...she seemed shocked. She was so uncomfortable with this she tried to hold me there for a few minutes longer with new topics of conversation...when is my next doctors appointment where they will check my heart and see what's been wrong with me (LOL) and did I know what to do about this or that aspect of my life...I felt sorry for her as I know that well...don't go, don't leave me, it's not what I expected things to go like...let me fix you now that I've abused you...let me control you and tell me the details of your life so I can manage it for you...I'm bored, I'm lonely, stay here with me please...

No thanks Mom...I'll take care of myself,... Enjoy your day...I gotta go now...bye bye.

Great post, Mrschoices. Thanks for painting a picture of psychological abuse at the hands of your parents and/or other family. When they team up on you is when it's at it's worse. Human history is filled with examples of atrocities that people have done to others, families are no different. It's interesting you point out that they are sick, I sometimes wonder if some people, whether they're related to you or not, are simply inherently just more bad than good.

Going No Contact and/or detaching are new concepts for me, but I should have learned them years ago.

If the paperwork is involved and concerns legal/financial issues, is it possible to get a family attorney/accountant to deal with it? That way you won't be dragged into the drama every five minutes when yet ANOTHER piece of paper needs tending to. You can just cite illness as a reason for getting the attorney if they needle you.

Knowledge is power. You've got them figured out. They may get you down, but now they can't keep you there.

You go girl!

This post could have been written by me. It means a lot to me that we have similar situations-my mother to is a self esteem depleter. I admire your ability to recognize the importance of emotional detachment. It is something I have always had to work on.