Keep running into infinites on my way to trust.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
Keep running into infinites on my way to trust.
"But what if she bails?" I say to my friend of 15 years, "then well figure something out, you have got to learn to trust, history shows she's never let you down, its called trust, trust means you may have a plan b, which you do, but it also means you don't agonize over creating a plan b,c,d,e and in your case f and g! Just trust please."
And this is how a conversation went tonight. I entered into what ifs and nevers and always. And now I'm sure that I've NEVER trusted because people ALWAYS bail. That's not true. That was mostly (but not always) true other life, in my life with my alcoholic family. While working on trust my AM called. We work two blocks away from.eachother, I was having an especially hard day with my leg but I needed.food I hadn't packed to take the anti inflammatory I needed. However I had to park now or park several blocks away and walk three times as far. So I parked and walked to a subway two blocks away. It was excruciating and in that moment of weakness my AM told me she was driving by in a few minutes so I asked her to drive me back to the office. She said sure. So there I waited until four minutes before I had to punch in for work, no show. I jogged back two blocks for the worst run of my life to just barely punch in on time. I knew trusting her wasn't a good call but I tried anyways.
And tonight its definitely affecting me. I'm second guessing everything. However getting to the root of what has caused yet another awesome spiral should be encouraging. But in true form I need to write down a new interpretation.
No, everyone does not always bail, my AM and codependent father were wrapped up in their vices and did not find the strength I have to break patterns. Because of that they weren't always able to deliver the support I needed as a child. However, now I am my own person and protector, I have beautiful wonderful friends who aren't ALWAYS there, but are to the best of their ability. I have the presence of mind to solve a problem.in case of emergency without fearing that the rules will constantly change making a solution impossible. I ask for trust from those I love anordeto create loving relationships must learn to.give it also, in a at a comfortable pace that protects me yet promotes growth and strength beyond my past hurt and fears.
Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. I've allowed myself to feel, I've allowed myself to talk, its high time I forgive myself for expecting what any child would, for their parents to follow through, and trust myself to know who and when I can trust now....or something like that
:P
And this is how a conversation went tonight. I entered into what ifs and nevers and always. And now I'm sure that I've NEVER trusted because people ALWAYS bail. That's not true. That was mostly (but not always) true other life, in my life with my alcoholic family. While working on trust my AM called. We work two blocks away from.eachother, I was having an especially hard day with my leg but I needed.food I hadn't packed to take the anti inflammatory I needed. However I had to park now or park several blocks away and walk three times as far. So I parked and walked to a subway two blocks away. It was excruciating and in that moment of weakness my AM told me she was driving by in a few minutes so I asked her to drive me back to the office. She said sure. So there I waited until four minutes before I had to punch in for work, no show. I jogged back two blocks for the worst run of my life to just barely punch in on time. I knew trusting her wasn't a good call but I tried anyways.
And tonight its definitely affecting me. I'm second guessing everything. However getting to the root of what has caused yet another awesome spiral should be encouraging. But in true form I need to write down a new interpretation.
No, everyone does not always bail, my AM and codependent father were wrapped up in their vices and did not find the strength I have to break patterns. Because of that they weren't always able to deliver the support I needed as a child. However, now I am my own person and protector, I have beautiful wonderful friends who aren't ALWAYS there, but are to the best of their ability. I have the presence of mind to solve a problem.in case of emergency without fearing that the rules will constantly change making a solution impossible. I ask for trust from those I love anordeto create loving relationships must learn to.give it also, in a at a comfortable pace that protects me yet promotes growth and strength beyond my past hurt and fears.
Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. I've allowed myself to feel, I've allowed myself to talk, its high time I forgive myself for expecting what any child would, for their parents to follow through, and trust myself to know who and when I can trust now....or something like that
:P
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Good post...and thank you.
I feel and talk...after working on this for many years...but have no trust at all for the family members around mother, including two of the five adult children...one of whom I did massive amounts of work to assist (tough love) when she was a crystal meth addict, then had her twin baby girls and lived with us for 7 more years to finish college and get a job. Well...lesson learned well and fully. I have done enough, have enough and am enough.
I probably need to work on it...but actually was advised long ago to go no contact with whole family of origin after dad died...and it took 13 years (this year) to do it.
I think I am going to let it rest...just for today...as now that I have fully processed the grief (before it was like a chronic illness...down, discouraged, trying to get the relationship back, etc) and now...after going through two excruciating months of full on grief and despair...feel so much lighter and better. Wow! wish I had had the courage and ability to let it go sooner.
Makes me more able to deal with all other people in my life and not see them through the 'don't trust' lens...and the people around me are so much more dependable and caring...as I've slowly but surely realized that it wasn't me.
I feel and talk...after working on this for many years...but have no trust at all for the family members around mother, including two of the five adult children...one of whom I did massive amounts of work to assist (tough love) when she was a crystal meth addict, then had her twin baby girls and lived with us for 7 more years to finish college and get a job. Well...lesson learned well and fully. I have done enough, have enough and am enough.
I probably need to work on it...but actually was advised long ago to go no contact with whole family of origin after dad died...and it took 13 years (this year) to do it.
I think I am going to let it rest...just for today...as now that I have fully processed the grief (before it was like a chronic illness...down, discouraged, trying to get the relationship back, etc) and now...after going through two excruciating months of full on grief and despair...feel so much lighter and better. Wow! wish I had had the courage and ability to let it go sooner.
Makes me more able to deal with all other people in my life and not see them through the 'don't trust' lens...and the people around me are so much more dependable and caring...as I've slowly but surely realized that it wasn't me.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
I intended to go no contact around easter this year when I was politely told it would be quite alright if I just didn't show up. But several of my relatives rallied upon me leaving and we truly have had a better relationship than ever. Also I cannot see my niece and nephews without seeing my AM so I debated long and hard and am trying to be disconnected from her but with the rest. Most days I'm ok, but the vulnerability of my situation right now is definitely a new challenge.
I'm sure I should thank life for giving me a new challenge to overcome and become stronger but I feel so run down that simply getting up.and getting by can be a struggle. However I guess that's all I need to do. I do have to say, creating a new level of detachment with my family of origin has been infinitely.helpful for me. Losing a lot of that disfunction to focus on me was an amazing step. It took me years to get there, months to commit to, a week to shift it as they changed but I have definitely benefitted. My heart goes out to your grief, but I'm hopeful for those days you dont grieve and instead get to just love, they'll get more frequent!
I'm sure I should thank life for giving me a new challenge to overcome and become stronger but I feel so run down that simply getting up.and getting by can be a struggle. However I guess that's all I need to do. I do have to say, creating a new level of detachment with my family of origin has been infinitely.helpful for me. Losing a lot of that disfunction to focus on me was an amazing step. It took me years to get there, months to commit to, a week to shift it as they changed but I have definitely benefitted. My heart goes out to your grief, but I'm hopeful for those days you dont grieve and instead get to just love, they'll get more frequent!
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