EveningRose

When I finished work tonight, I found a voicemail from my daughter saying she needed to talk about some things. I called and at 10:00 at night, over the phone, got the news that she had packed her things and left this morning to move in with my parents.

I found out a few days ago that they'd offered her a place to live. As with so many other things involving my parents/siblings and my children, all done behind my back again. No word to me. They seem to think I'm like the parents in Charlie Brown, just this sort of non-existent unseen voiceless existence who doesn't really matter or have anything to say about my own kids. My daughter, btw, is now 18, but they've been doing this with all my kids when they're minors, too.

I let my daughter know when she first mentioned it that I do not want her moving in with my parents because of my dad's history of abuse and alcoholism and my mother's history of telling untrue and hurtful stories about me. She said my mother 'always' tells her to respect me because I'm her mother, and 'always' says wonderful things about me.

So what's going on here? Has my mother finally figured out she's a deluded gossip-monger who actually doesn't really know what's in other people's hearts and minds and should quit spreading stories? Or is she a split personality? Or is she conniving enough to realize she's going to look bad to my kids if she tells them this stuff but conversely can make me look like I'm paranoid and imagining things if she's a little paragon of praise about me to them?

Regardless, after years of people telling me the stuff she's saying, after my friend telling me in thirty years she's never heard my mother say anything happy or cheerful in general, and nothing good or positive about me in particular....now suddenly I look crazy to my kids for saying this stuff is going on.

Sadly, I think my daughter is going to find the grass isn't greener. She has a low-paying job, no interest in college, and wants a big family--all things my dad has found fault with other people over. She also has a health issue which leaves her exhausted constantly, and my mother may start telling people she's 'lazy.' Because of the health issue, she doesn't have a license, and I wonder how long before there are issues because she can't get anywhere or my parents don't like being asked to drive her.

My friend thinks my parents can't put on a show forever and my daughter will see their true colors, but I've seen that my mother is an entirely different person with one of my siblings than she is with me. She's like a chameleon, happy and cheerful with one person, critical and unpleasant and bitter and complaining with another. So I don't know who she'll be with my daughter.

In the meantime, I'm sure my parents are now congratulating themselves yet again on how they're much better parents than I am.

Does it ever, ever end in an alcoholic family? There are days I feel I can't go another step watching my parents' affect on my children.

NWGRITS

No advice, just empathetic hugs. Our families are very much alike, though I haven't talked to my mother or my sister in a year, or my grandmother since early May. It's a lot quieter inside my head now.

PurpleWilder

It will play itself out one way or another. She is eighteen and will have to figure out how the world works....

Kialua

I would move to the ends of the earth and lose everything but my kids to escape them. I'm so sorry.

incitingsilence

It always ends, exactly when we allow it to.

My mother is so good, she strategically shows one side to everyone around and a totally different side when alone with her. She has perfected this, and it can make you feel like you are crazy and leaves you never knowing what the truth is, what is real, not real. I struggled there for a very long time, thinking, well maybe it is me, that I am nuts.

I also have lived this from the perspective of your children. My mother and her mother had a volatile relationship. My grandmother never said a bad thing about my mother, and yet my mother had a lot to say about her. It was a bit twisted if anyone were to ask me. I loved my grandmother very much, she never put me in a position to have to choose between her or my mom. she also didn't bride me to love her. Also I don’t know if I was someone who could be influenced that way. I was so close with all my grandparents and even if I was told I couldn’t see them, I would have done it anyway …

All the choices made will be some sort of learning experience. We can not control what will be learned, but that is ok, because the learning never stops.

My kids have seen the other side of my mother. What they thought was funny, the violent outbursts towards random strangers, the stories of who she beat up as an old woman, and all true and never left a mark, aren’t so funny anymore. She is I think mentally unstable, not genetically, thinking wise. The product of abuse herself, so some of it makes sense … but then it doesn’t, because I was the product of abuse and choose not to treat my children the same and worked hard on me not to pass this dysfunction on. I think that is the only area we can control, the work we do on ourselves. It is a gift we can give to our children no matter their feelings, getting healthy ourselves.

She bribes them so much, god knows what she says to them because they know that I really don’t wish to know. They are allowed to love her and I don’t see it as a threat to their relationship with me. I do this maybe as a reaction because I lived for years in the middle, where they both put me, and I don’t want them to think it is normal to live the same.

I have been reading and following your story for a while. My suggestion is to let it go, give it up, don’t explain as you have no need to. I know how hard it is, and what a struggle it is looking around thinking omg why with a host of a thousands questions to make it make sense.... So now I look at the only thing I ever think was a gift given to me by her, my love for books. From there, she is my mom, who I love the best I can but do not give any power to anymore. I see her when I wish too, I probably wouldn’t if my dad wasn’t around. I have issues with him too, for not stopping her, but then it dawned on me, he is sick as well...ahh that was a interesting realization.

It just sucks.

I wish nothing more than some peace for you, find it, it is out there waiting.

Hang in there.

tromboneliness

Yes, it stinks. No, you can't do anything about it. Eventually, they'll be dead, but I gather your parents got started a lot younger than mine did, so you'll have to "run out the clock" a lot longer than I did. It really is bad -- but your mother is much better at this game than you are. She's going to win. You can either let her rent space in your head, or make a decision not to. That's basically it. The more you try to do, the more she's just going to tell people (like your kids) that you're crazy. And at a certain point, we do start to look like the ones who are being unreasonable, if we try to force solutions. That's why, with my Dad in his last 2-3 years, I just had to step back, answer the phone less and less often, go by less often, and just let the scenario play out. It was not under my control before, and it still wasn't after -- but it did get kicked out of some of the space it was renting.

Now, I have basically stopped contacting most of my cousins, because they were -- all of them, every last one -- my Dad's enablers. I haven't "said" anything, and I am not going to "say" anything. They wouldn't get it if I did. So... they're outta here. I have my life, and they have theirs.

Again, it stinks -- it would be great if there were some better way to deal with it. But the parents are better at this game than we are, so we are not going to win. >8[

T

ACOAHappyNow

And tell the truth even if some don't believe us. Your daughter will see the truth, hopefully soon.

Please be good to you in the meantime. I am sorry this is happening to you.

irisgardens

Evening, you are telling my story.

I am getting better now...it has been 13 years of personal horror...as I realized who she really was after dad died. She has two of my 5 children telling me I am mentally ill...I have also let go and let god with them. I start a new job on Monday and will be rebuilding my life from practically scratch...try to let go...women like this will try to destroy...you deserve so much better.

EveningRose

Thank you, all, for your answers. I'm reading them and re-reading them when I have time to come back. And these are the same truths I'm coming to, and accepting. I can't make people be anything, not my parents, not my children.

I found some of my daughter's writing while cleaning out her room, and it helped me re-focus on caring for her, rather than focusing on myself and my worries. I'll be okay. She has gone into a situation where they may not be aware of her health issues, and they may only increase her insecurities and worries that she's not up to snuff with the rest of the family. It's helped me re-focus on praying for her and having peace. My remaining boys and I are shifting around and readjusting to the new dynamics without her here.

Fortunately, I have a very close friend who constantly encourages me to take the high road and live at peace, and encourages me in that.