In bad shape...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
In bad shape...
Have been in recovery for ACOA and Codependency as well as a lot of therapy for almost 20 years.
I have had a lot of recovery...learning how to communicate, stay calm, emotionally detach, let go, lots with a binge drinker husband, two girls (serially) on drugs...both functional although not in recovery. The second one is very angry...the first one is good now and we have a decent relationship.
There is a codependent son...and a clueless son...both doing well and the codependent son and second daughter are 'helping' him stay on the right path in our old home town.
Hubby and I spent all of our money in helping the addicts, completing bringing up the kids...the 2nd daughter and third child is through college and the youngest two are not, but know they can handle it if they want to go.
My 3rd daughter, however, went into active heroin addiction almost 4 years ago. I am embarrassed to say that we did what we could, but nowhere what we did for the previous 2 daughters because no money left...and we were wrapping up a bankruptcy and home foreclosure...to move to Chile to try to find work for hubby and to give me a rest from the high pressured jobs that I have had throughout the career to keep family going...and which doctor told me I had to stop or suffer health consequences.
It has been five years of serious job searches...about 10 months employed each year and living off of tax return refunds. We finished all of the above, the third daughter finished college last June...and got a job...and also last son (of five) finished high school last year and we moved.
It has been really hard...starting over is really hard and it is way harder here than we anticipated...although we both have jobs...and mine is part time. We have both been thinking to go back...but I am not sure and my hubby is a codependent so he keeps changing his mind to try to make me happy...which is not making me happy.
I am having angry attacks and have alienated my adult children and husband in the past few months with emails that were personal, angry and blaming. I love them, but am lashing out because I feel alone here, out of control, like the work to start over is too much (although I am getting it done), worried about going back, but feeling like I need to to make the money that we don't make here, hubby is now wanting to be close to the kids and I am frustrated that he didn't consider that before us coming...as I gave him time and even sent him to check it out.
I am afraid, self loathing at this point after reading the email...and fearful, because what I have done is to push my family away by hurting myself...if that makes any sense. I know that I was truthful, but it was too much. The direct hurt is often way too harsh for most people...and I would have bled if I had received that email and wanted to kill myself.
My biological family has been in no contact since my dad died and I wrote a letter, which was read by a pastor and two therapists, but which my mother took personally and not only has chosen not to forgive me despite compulsive apologies...for 13 years, driving to her house, etc., but she chose to judge me and say that I was addicted to anti-depressants (not) and was bipolar.
I think that the family now all believes her, as she recently said that I am super mentally ill and that I need major medical help (despite constant medical supervision for 16 years...she only hears what she wants to believe) and now my son and daughter who went to her house for easter are saying similar things...and the daughter is an ex crystal meth addict who already put us through hell...and played the crazy card in recovery and almost made it impossible for me to do anything for her.
I am now afraid that my own family is going into no contact...and I am having deep anxiety. They have all said or done things in their time, but I am the one that gets blamed when I get angry (not often, but in deep crisis...yes) and that happened in my family of origin as well. I am back now blaming myself for the email, but no one in the family even remembers the work I have done for years and years...23 ... and sacrificed myself to do for the kids...well I think that my husband does, but I hurt his feelings and I have been terrible since coming here because we have to depend upon him to work and I am not trusting him to make it...due to four business downturns.
I know that I have screwed up and I have little to no support. I am really not doing well.
Is there anything anyone can say to help me regain my sanity?
I have had a lot of recovery...learning how to communicate, stay calm, emotionally detach, let go, lots with a binge drinker husband, two girls (serially) on drugs...both functional although not in recovery. The second one is very angry...the first one is good now and we have a decent relationship.
There is a codependent son...and a clueless son...both doing well and the codependent son and second daughter are 'helping' him stay on the right path in our old home town.
Hubby and I spent all of our money in helping the addicts, completing bringing up the kids...the 2nd daughter and third child is through college and the youngest two are not, but know they can handle it if they want to go.
My 3rd daughter, however, went into active heroin addiction almost 4 years ago. I am embarrassed to say that we did what we could, but nowhere what we did for the previous 2 daughters because no money left...and we were wrapping up a bankruptcy and home foreclosure...to move to Chile to try to find work for hubby and to give me a rest from the high pressured jobs that I have had throughout the career to keep family going...and which doctor told me I had to stop or suffer health consequences.
It has been five years of serious job searches...about 10 months employed each year and living off of tax return refunds. We finished all of the above, the third daughter finished college last June...and got a job...and also last son (of five) finished high school last year and we moved.
It has been really hard...starting over is really hard and it is way harder here than we anticipated...although we both have jobs...and mine is part time. We have both been thinking to go back...but I am not sure and my hubby is a codependent so he keeps changing his mind to try to make me happy...which is not making me happy.
I am having angry attacks and have alienated my adult children and husband in the past few months with emails that were personal, angry and blaming. I love them, but am lashing out because I feel alone here, out of control, like the work to start over is too much (although I am getting it done), worried about going back, but feeling like I need to to make the money that we don't make here, hubby is now wanting to be close to the kids and I am frustrated that he didn't consider that before us coming...as I gave him time and even sent him to check it out.
I am afraid, self loathing at this point after reading the email...and fearful, because what I have done is to push my family away by hurting myself...if that makes any sense. I know that I was truthful, but it was too much. The direct hurt is often way too harsh for most people...and I would have bled if I had received that email and wanted to kill myself.
My biological family has been in no contact since my dad died and I wrote a letter, which was read by a pastor and two therapists, but which my mother took personally and not only has chosen not to forgive me despite compulsive apologies...for 13 years, driving to her house, etc., but she chose to judge me and say that I was addicted to anti-depressants (not) and was bipolar.
I think that the family now all believes her, as she recently said that I am super mentally ill and that I need major medical help (despite constant medical supervision for 16 years...she only hears what she wants to believe) and now my son and daughter who went to her house for easter are saying similar things...and the daughter is an ex crystal meth addict who already put us through hell...and played the crazy card in recovery and almost made it impossible for me to do anything for her.
I am now afraid that my own family is going into no contact...and I am having deep anxiety. They have all said or done things in their time, but I am the one that gets blamed when I get angry (not often, but in deep crisis...yes) and that happened in my family of origin as well. I am back now blaming myself for the email, but no one in the family even remembers the work I have done for years and years...23 ... and sacrificed myself to do for the kids...well I think that my husband does, but I hurt his feelings and I have been terrible since coming here because we have to depend upon him to work and I am not trusting him to make it...due to four business downturns.
I know that I have screwed up and I have little to no support. I am really not doing well.
Is there anything anyone can say to help me regain my sanity?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
I think you could benefit from doubling down on your ACoA stepwork, to get back in touch with your powerlessness and try to extricate yourself from the family scapegoat role. Find a sponsor or cosponsor or just another person to work the step questions with, do daily reading/writing, attend whatever meetings you can find (open AA meetings are most common).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
When it comes to our kids, less is oftentimes better. Particularly in writing. I have often wanted to be more forthright with mine, not over any addiction issues just manners, but have never dipped my pen in that pool. Now I will take a lesson from you and be sure to never write it out. So if there is any consolation for you, I thank you for showing me what can happen if I give in to frustration and put it to pen.
I hope it all settles down for you a bit as you rework the steps like Reedling suggested.
I can't imagine being so far away from my kids.
I hope it all settles down for you a bit as you rework the steps like Reedling suggested.
I can't imagine being so far away from my kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
clueless son is 19 years old...he has not been involved in the addiction issues...we kept him out of it...and he is pretty rational, black & white...and has dealt with ADHD which we got treatment for him about. he is my youngest child...and I was working to support my older daughter and then later, her younger sister...first on ecstasy and raves and cocaine...and the second...on crystal meth. his next older sister became addicted to heroin four years ago and is now out of contact for 7 weeks...and is part of my crisis right now...and the emotions coming up are unmanageable. I also got so desperate by my husband's shut down here in Chile...flat, reactionless face when I asked to see a doctor for a meds evaluation (had been without insurance for the past 3 years and felt so much stress needed it) and then I pulled his hair and he pushed me...only second time in 38 years there has been physical contact by me...but it freaked me out...and then he got me a doctor after me begging for 7 months, my daughter went into relapse and the whole family just shut down again...they did that with the 2nd and 1st child too...so it isn't my imagination...and with the second child...they were blaming me while I was saying I couldn't handle things any more...in the waiting room as they released her from a 1 week admission for a psychotic attack and they said that they had not seen anyone go through that strong of a reaction. Now with the third, it is shut down...except possibly the oldest daughter who told me she cares...but the deadpan faces and no reaction is frightening me...and the denial of my request to see the bank statement in order to be able to see if daughter is in Washington state...in other words, I am the only willing person...and I believe that mother is vindictive now...and that the two middle kids...one the crystal meth addict...are going along. Ex crystal meth addict is verbally abuse...and husband will not stand up...he is afraid. He also wants to keep things smooth for the granddaughters. I am going to post my email...I am thinking that he might go vindictive on me...I told him over the weekend I was ready to leave...and he went cold and said fine. That is how my mother acted. I talked to him yesterday and told him therapist said I was grieving mother, but I also got a positive lead on a job and he now says he wants to go to Chile. He is a nice man; he told me the email really hurt and was mean...I am going to post it. Got ahold of my therapist who said that it was truthful...she has known me for a long time...but that a lot of people can't take truth...and to journal in future or to send to her. Child #1 is being supportive which gives me hope that adult children #2 and #3 might be able to get over their anger in time...but I need to let them have it...and I think I can...and #4 is lost right now...#5 is being parented by #2 and #3 and I think that I was really having trouble letting that happen...as he is doing really well...and I felt it should be me...but standing by husband. Considered divorce 10 years ago, but in light of ACOA status for both, expense of divorce and he has gotten much healthier...I just need to deal with the fact that I am never going to get emotionally supported...which I have done before, but Chilean culture is not emotionally supportive...it is very emotional and leaking, blasting...and practical...get it done and more focused on children than spouse. So, I just learned the truth here and as overwhelming as it is...I learned it.
Posting the email...as now I am working to get us to work together...I told him I apologized, reminded him of when he got jealous without cause and went and threatened one of my ex professional bosses to kill him and said I forgave him that...and that I expect him to forgive me...and I think he will. I am having a hard time with my emotions..shaking and vibrating...once told that that is processing out...hope it is true. He told me to 'let it go' and that sounded positive and hopeful.
Sorry for length, but this is a lot of stuff that has kind of ripped open...'seeing' that he was never an 'american man' and kind of going through all the fixing I tried to do...but that didn't work...as they were american expectations...he is a good worker and hard worker...great father...but he will not do the supportive things that a supportive husband does unless really pushed...and i think, with the empty nesting, i need to release adult kids...let him be their father and get my emotional needs met in the spiritual practices and here and other ways with girl friends that keep me fed. Lost my support group with the move. Could use some positive if any...as I am really believing that I destroyed my family with the actions...but I know that I have not been that person in the past and am releasing 13 years of so much pain and trying to make things work with mother...but she is lost...alcoholic...vindictive...I was the hero...13 years of a scapegoat...and now she is working with all, but I need to save myself. If hubby choses not to get vindictive...it is ok, but is there any encouragement out there? Or should I run? I can see a way to go...but it means I have to stand very strong and do much more recovery and the feelings are just overwhelming right now...grieving mother when I never got past the bargaining and depression cycle (my biological family loves me and thinks I am wonderful when depressed...that is something that has come clear)...i think the kids anger may give them the strength to really do their own things. Father is a pleaser (not with me) and an enabler and will not change. I am trying to do one thing/step at a time. Adding email in next post. Do not have money for therapy but my christian friend & therapist was reassuring yesterday and said that I did what I had to do...and not to process with immediate family anymore. Have been with biological family for years...bargaining...nice, but no good. So that is something I have to process out...mother grief. Does anyone find this logical or good or healthy or am I just stupid and lost and broken?
Posting the email...as now I am working to get us to work together...I told him I apologized, reminded him of when he got jealous without cause and went and threatened one of my ex professional bosses to kill him and said I forgave him that...and that I expect him to forgive me...and I think he will. I am having a hard time with my emotions..shaking and vibrating...once told that that is processing out...hope it is true. He told me to 'let it go' and that sounded positive and hopeful.
Sorry for length, but this is a lot of stuff that has kind of ripped open...'seeing' that he was never an 'american man' and kind of going through all the fixing I tried to do...but that didn't work...as they were american expectations...he is a good worker and hard worker...great father...but he will not do the supportive things that a supportive husband does unless really pushed...and i think, with the empty nesting, i need to release adult kids...let him be their father and get my emotional needs met in the spiritual practices and here and other ways with girl friends that keep me fed. Lost my support group with the move. Could use some positive if any...as I am really believing that I destroyed my family with the actions...but I know that I have not been that person in the past and am releasing 13 years of so much pain and trying to make things work with mother...but she is lost...alcoholic...vindictive...I was the hero...13 years of a scapegoat...and now she is working with all, but I need to save myself. If hubby choses not to get vindictive...it is ok, but is there any encouragement out there? Or should I run? I can see a way to go...but it means I have to stand very strong and do much more recovery and the feelings are just overwhelming right now...grieving mother when I never got past the bargaining and depression cycle (my biological family loves me and thinks I am wonderful when depressed...that is something that has come clear)...i think the kids anger may give them the strength to really do their own things. Father is a pleaser (not with me) and an enabler and will not change. I am trying to do one thing/step at a time. Adding email in next post. Do not have money for therapy but my christian friend & therapist was reassuring yesterday and said that I did what I had to do...and not to process with immediate family anymore. Have been with biological family for years...bargaining...nice, but no good. So that is something I have to process out...mother grief. Does anyone find this logical or good or healthy or am I just stupid and lost and broken?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
This email was sent to all five kids and husband. Husband got cold and angry and said it was vindictive and angry and personal and mean. I feel it was...but I did it already. He says he has never done this to me...but he has...but has been getting more positive and better and not blaming me as much as he did in the early years and we seem to be making progress.
I feel like I have really ruined things. Please tell me if I did. I need to know what to expect as I am very scared and have struggled all my life with trying to do things right, but I just couldn't hold it in any more and I had so much being triggered and I couldn't get any emotional support...and I was afraid until I didn't say it and then I snapped.
Do the reading and listening and being on Parents of Addicts and naranon and alanon and soberrecovery and going back to my mom and realizing that she is gone forever...and that I cannot have her back...and it is doubtful I ever had her...after 13 years...a few years 'woke up' to the words emotional abuse, but just in the last two months after a friend confirmed the words for me...I have been reading it and so scared and feel like a failure...bad...to the point of wanting to erase myself...and I know it is the emotions from the past...as when I wrote the letter to my mom and sent it...she told me too...and pastor and two therapists read it...she turned on me...and it has been awful ever since, but I need to let it go...can't let it kill me.
Husband has stood by me...but can't do the emotional part. I am in a sandwich, but need to continue. Do not want to divorce now...I am not in the right place emotionally...to much fear and also my therapists told me he is sweet, ACOA and doesn't want to process, but is getting better and did therapy with me and daughter on drugs. The drug use in the family after a child death is what triggered me to start to 'wake up' and deal.
Daughter on heroin is the current 'trigger' and angry children from last 'daughter on crystal meth'...now functional but angry angry angry...but that is what I understand to be normal and I want to be the best mother possible and allow them their feelings, just have to set boundaries on the verbal abuse...and have...the crazy part...it isn't true...never was...and when my verbally abusive, then crystal meth addicted child almost succeeded in doing it in rehab...i stood up (& pulled strength from somewhere in therapy...as she was manipulating not to do her contract the first time...when she was 17) and I walked out and explained she could not come home without a contract...and that the therapeutic part was for family support not me...I had my own therapeutic resources and asked the case manager if she could come home and not kill herself and the case manager said 'not on purpose' and I said that isn't good enough...and did the contract...and when we went back 6 months later...the rehab had been revamped for family support...not therapy and it was because I was the change catalyst...but out of desperation and fear...and then she came home and used again.
We reported her to the police and then got a choice of misdemeanor with community service and the choice to do recovery work or a felony without and she chose the felony although the possible repercussions were explained to her and was 4 days from her 18th birthday when we reported her because of the work I did in the write-up and how much work her 'parents' had done...and she chose to go with the felony...she got pregnant with her addict boyfriend...went to live at the boyfriend's house... got pregnant, stopped using...came home for the next 7 years (until last August) went to college...I detached...we helped her with childcare and our grandchildren...she lived with us...and then, when we moved...after getting the apartment to share (on visits back) she started with the crazy stuff...and threw her crystal meth addict out who I was trying to get treatment...and that was healthy, but a guilt trip...when she did her whole drug trip when R was 7 and J was 5...and used them...so I have guilt.
I am still processing...so sorry, but it is all coming out...and now I realize that I need to do more recovery and I am upset...but I will...and I can.
Not enabling is NOT the same thing as turning your back on them. Not
enabling, simply means you won't make it easier for them to use by
giving them money, gas cards, gift cards, that they then use to
continue to buy more drugs.
I did my best for you...you didn't appreciate it.
The way the family is dealing with Rachel...after the totally opposite
way we dealt with Betsy and Jenny...tells me everything about your
ability and willingness to be a caring person.
I should have left a long time ago...almost did, but thought I could
'help' Jenny and Dad with his big business failure after I left Schwab
(& he didn't tell me he was going down).
I don't really care what you think...and I don't have to. I'm your
mother...
So, I am deleting you off of everything...to deal with anger directly
is the healthy thing, but since the family won't do that...just
continue to demand what they want...money, behavior everything...so
that they don't have to feel.
It is helpful to hear back from you...confirms what I know already.
Mom,
I said we will get you the chase paperwork.
The only other thing I said was that I don't want you to bash James to
me. Those are your feelings and you are entitled to have them but I
don't agree and don't want to hear it. That is just the truth.
You have a negative opinion towards everyone in your life and I really
feel bad for that. I am sorry you feel such anger but I am unable to
help you. Professional help is the only thing that will help. I am done
enabling this negative behavior and I am officially telling you that if
you are going to have a relationship with me that you need to seek
professional psychiatric help. I love you. James will send the
paperwork to you ASAP. I understand you will be angered by this email
but know that I am confronting you with honesty because I love you and
am worried about you.
Michael
Sent from my iPhone
> Michael,
>
> I am too broken to fix and staying in a family environment like this
is going to make me more broken. I can't take it anymore. I have
spent 23 years of my life helping family members. I am not ok with
anything about my life right now and I hope that you guys all have a
good life. I have lost hope for any kind of compassion or ability to
understand in my husband and children. It was different when I started
with Betsy...I had savings...I felt that being a good mother to
underage children was a good thing to do...and Dad had a failed
business and 'needed' me and the savings to fix it.
>
> Well, he has gone down yet another time...and before that another
time or two. He has not learned to do anything different...and will
not. I have learned that he is the classic 'chilean man'...has to have
all the power, manipulative, **** poor at administering money, takes
care of friends and children, but not wife...blames his problems on
wife and ignores her until she needs to take care of the mess...then is
grateful for a minute before going back to being indifferent
again...the pattern is indifference and other priorities and then
needy...but never steady or caring or affectionate...it's all about the
sex. I don't want to be married anymore and I certainly don't want any
men in my life...they are really messed up and non-compassionate, while
expecting everything from the women in their lives. Been there; done
that...my reward is living in a mudhole with a husband who is
depressed, but refuses to get medication and probably ADD but refuses
to see a doctor...won't help self...why would I believe he would help
me.
>
> Too many addicts in my life...they may get over it and move on...but
the person who worked to help them doesn't. I realize that I am
capable of a caring that is healthy, and that it is being drained by
the people who just want to have fun in my life...I have given my all
and all that I had. I have not been supported with Betsy, Jenny (only
after Kaiser made it clear she was a huge issue and has underlying
issues which she won't deal with), and now, Rachel...who is simply
gone...and not one of you cares enough to tell me you care...although
Jenny sure is good at saying all the harsh stuff...maybe I should have
been that person to her...although was warned it was super dangerous,
could drive her to suicide or worse acting out...but hey...it's all
about Jenny right?
>
> I never realized that you and Jenny 'helping' James was also going to
be enabling him and being disrespectful to his mother. He is lazy...he
has always been lazy...I didn't put the label on him...you, Dad and
Luciano did...think it's time for you to be a little more flexible in
your listening and not be calling the pot black.
>
> Seems like you have your own issues with me. I have been working
like a crazy person all the years of your life to get you to like me
and you don't and I can't care anymore. You are on your own path...you
had your own experiences...like Dad and everyone else...it is easier
for you to slam me than to deal with your own stuff and I just don't
want it anymore. I don't want what you have to offer Michael...you are
harsh and rigid in your wording and you will definitely defend anyone
but me...and I have already lived that with both my mother and your
father all the days of my life...not interested.
>
> I am doing the best I can with a very hard situation. I was
stupid...I should never have supported Dad through the business
failure, the bankruptcy and the losing the house...nor Jenny with her
kids...one sort of thinks that if you do the right thing...then others
will reciprocate...but that is not the case with this family and I am
sick and tired of it. There is a lot of selfish in the family and
selfish means doing what is best for oneself no matter who else is
hurting...even though it wouldn't take much to do something for another
who really needs the help.
>
> Unfortunately, you were never close to me...although I was close to
you. I have stood by you in every real and deep conversation you have
ever needed...I have responded in very diffeent ways to you...with
sympathy and empathy for your situation. You always adored your father
and I did my best to support you in that. Nobody, however, can live
being on the edge and not really treated well...and that is why I am
just drawing the line with you...this is new to you, but not new to
me...and you are a latecomer. I am going to go out and find every
single person in the world who enjoys me and makes me happy and work
hard at never thinking about the people who are resentful and nasty and
blaming and whatever again.
>
> Being a mother is not easy...but right now...between being in an
unfinished house with a husband who spent all the savings and with rain
and wind and cold and having to reinvent myself as an ESL teacher
because he didn't get it together in the states...and went down not 1
time, but four times...taking my savings of $1MM 10 years ago away and
sent on another daughter who, no matter what I did that was healthy has
insisted on continuing in her negativity...verbally abusive and blamer
and telling lies and wanting stuff over being good to people and
stingy...all traits of addictive personalities, but she used...she used
crystal meth and is still using alcohol.
>
> You guys can reprimand me all you want, but unless and until one of
you is coming from more wisdom and not using at all...I am no longer
interested in hearing from you or your Dad. I am the only one who has
said...I am an addict and codependent...I eat and I shop. I want to
get better and I am doing the work. Do you not get that your Dad is a
binge drinker and alcoholic and has been ever since I knew him? Just
like my Dad. I know what I am talking about and I woke up when I was
40 and I couldn't handle all the hard stuff any more nor a mother who
told me for a lifetime that my Dad was perfect...but oh, yeah...she
drinks like a fish too...but oh, no...she's not an alcoholic...just
drinks every single day and hides her liquor in a soda bottle.
>
> Your father denies drinking when he has a glass of wine in front of
him.
>
> Ten years ago, I did 5 years of therapy and figured out that his
behaviors were those of an alcoholics. Those who drink and use or do
anything to an extreme are selfish...selfish...selfish. Your father
doesn't give **** about me. You don't either.
>
> I have hit bottom. I am interviewing in California. I am angry. I
am happy that you guys are holding the line on me...because I realize
that anything I did was stupid and not worth anything. The only thing
I am working on now is to take complete care of myself and to figure
out how to be away from all of you including your father.
>
> I am angry at the way my life has turned out, but hey...that's what
happens in alcoholic families...it's textbook.
>
> You guys can keep on going...just keep on going...like I said...I
never knew about anything (in denial) and thought i was doing
everything right until I was 40 and your father's business went down
again...and I quit my good job to be a 'responsible' mother...only to
find myself using all of the savings to make the clients that he and
his partner had taken money from and used on their own lives whole. He
didn't speak to me for 9 months, he was so mad that I made him do that.
Do you really think that I am as stupid as you think I am?
>
> I have done everything I can to make things good with you guys, but
you guys are so clueless and so in your own worlds, that you wouldn't
know or care...in fact you don't, that I am living destitute here with
Dad, that after me sharing all the money I made over 38 years...he now
makes me ask for every peso...that is controlling...and that I told you
guys months ago it wasn't good, but nobody listened, except now...when
Dad says he isn't happy.
>
> I am at the bottom of my life. I thought losing the house was bad
enough, but I am never going to have a house again with your
father...he let Jenny have the apartment and she won't pay back the
$2,000 that was the deposit (& out of my money), he didn't save enough
to bring my household goods, won't let me administer the money even
though I am a respected CPA and CFO in the bay area...and I just don't
have the energy anymore to start this crap with my children.
>
> You guys deserve Dad and I am glad that I finally figured out that
nothing I have ever done has been appreciated or cared about or me
either.
>
> I am mad...I am disgusted at the presumption that you guys think you
can be the parent, and I am disgusted that the respect, positive
support, truth (that is the mean stuff Betsy and Jenny talk about)...I
told the truth...neither one has ever owned up to their part in our
family's issues...self lying that is what it is all about.
>
> You know, you know that you deserve something better when you get to
a place where you realize that not one ******* person is willing to
listen, to be understanding and even...even when what is being said is
harsh (believe me I have done that for years)...I was advised to leave
your father 10 years ago by two qualified therapists who said he would
lose everything because that is what alcoholics do...he doesn't have
the self respect to even admit his drinking problem and that it may
have hurt me and you kids.
>
> My father never did, but he was a good father...like your father is
to you. I have no idea how good a husband he was...because the day he
died was the last day mom ever even mentioned him...hmmmm...not so
good, huh?
>
> Do you think I like seeing all the same crap I have seem in three
generations of Busks, two generations of Varas' and a mother who had a
'perfect' family -- NOT come out in you guys. I didn't cause it, I
can't control it, & I can't cure it. The prescription for people who
have alcoholism in their family is to never use...but my parents didn't
tell me that...Dad's siblings all warned their children about it...most
of them don't drink...much less use drugs. I learned when I went
through Jenny that there was the alcoholic gene...not because of
honesty in my own family...we were supposed to be perfect (on the
outside at least) but truly that was all a sham...Mom and Dad were
'perfect' in church and never drank in front of those people...Dad
never went anywhere without a vodka bottle in his suitcase and he and
mom drank every day from the time I remember...twelve.
>
> I told Mom about Dad's drinking early on...she was the classic
enabler...don't worry...your Dad drinks too...he is not an alcoholic.
Well, she never read the definition of alcoholism, because when you
read it you know what an alcoholic is. When the alcoholic or drug user
stops using they don't stop being an addict...they just don't drink or
use. They have all the other traits...anger, denial, minimizing,
rationalizing, manipulation, asking for money and not repaying, not
paying bills, you could look it up but you don't want to. I did all of
that for our family until I, the codependent...you know the one who
cares...started losing my health, got depressed and anxious, asked for
help and was turned down...not manipulative enough, told the truth and
got denied...stuffed so much that it started leaking out and it is
leaking out now. I am sick and tired of carrying the 'secret' of our
'not so perfect' family...I've already been there, done that.
>
> I am going to find a job in the states and take a good separation
from family. I am not going to even try to fool myself that I have
loving family...I have survivor family. I don't have one person in the
family, except Betsy, who is willing to do one thing for a siblings who
is using...Betsy did the therapy, she got honest about Jenny finally,
and by doing that, probably was the deciding factor in Jenny getting
better. Jenny is oppositional and impulsive. She has wrecked three
cars...she has endangered her children with her accidents...it isn't
just a one time event. She got together with a guy in gangs and who
did drugs. She shows bad judgment and you guys are all enabling that
bad judgment and making it probable that she will never grow up. Dad
isn't going to stand firm...he never has. He allows me to be the bad
cop. I have spent too many years getting to know you guys...nobody is
willing to do the hard stuff and I am tired of doing it alone because
you guys aren't willing to change or even admit that we have
dysfunctional parts of the family that are very scary and far from
being loving and supportive.
>
> I am almost sorry I ever tried to help...the only thing that keeps me
going is that it helped me to be honest with myself, to face the fact
that people use me for what I do and that I treat them well especially
in their crisis and then turn their backs and never even remember me or
remember the bad parts. I am sick and tired of that. I know that I
can find people who are honest...because I have been doing that for the
past 10 years while working to 'help' Jenny. Addictive personalities
are notoriously not grateful or appreciative, but focus on the negative
and not on their own actions but the actions of others... It is well
known that people who see negative in others...have that negativity in
themselves...I am scared now, because I have always seen the positive,
but this past 1 1/2 years...it is going away...there is nothing
positive...and even the stuff that was giving me some relief, although
not healthy...the eating and the shopping has been taken away, because
we can't afford it.
>
> We are living like poor people...worse than I even lived when I was
young and poor in my parents' house. The house looks great on the
outside, so no need to explain anything and as long as I keep up my
perky, American girl, can do...everybody is fine. But there is nothing
fine.
>
> I am at the spot where I need to show myself that I can do something
worthwhile and be with people who appreciate me rather than verbal
abuse, controlling language and behavior and blame and unseemly
protection without respect. I finally respect myself enough to take
this step.
>
> I told your Father this...he said don't write...because it is good
that I am the bad cop...I am good at it...but I am resigning...and
although I like your Dad, I am tired of living like a poor person who
doesn't even have a house to live in and when I have a house it is
crappy and not fixed up. Why? Because Dad cares more about taking
care of others and being a pleaser to them than he cares about doing
for himself or me...and I am tired of it. I have given away my last
bit of sainthood...and wish Dad the best with his wonderful
relationships with others...he's just so nice...but not that nice to me
nor how he treats me...and he is unwilling to face himself and that is
what I can no longer live with.
>
> I am done.
>
> I am really done...your father has had years to get his act together
and he hasn't done it. He has had years to speak honestly to someone
other than me...but he chooses not too...although when I got here, he
refused me a psychology appt, and I finally had to pull his hair...he
just stood there while I begged and begged and begged. That is not
healthy. I am not going to go through that with you children...and you
can do anything you want, but I respect myself and since you have not
been respectful Michael, nor compassionate...and you have returned to
enabling Jenny...I am just done.
>
> I want to go full on in my codependency recovery...which means that I
can live on my own...I do not need anybody else to make me happy and I
am ready to say that if I haven't learned it this time...I am a stupid
cow. Your father cared more about pleasing his clients (so didn't
charge the price of the job) than he cared about putting us in more
comfortable situations. I am done. You act just like him...and he
just now told me...ah...I'm the failure, you're the success...you're
smart, etc...I am so sick and tired of hearing that kind of talk...that
is his personality...always blame someone else. He took advantage of
my mother by asking for money without telling me and I told him I can't
take any more. He still is unwilling to do one thing different...still
unwilling to make things work better...and especially unwilling to be a
partner for me in my needy times...although I have been there every
single minute of every sngle day. He even told his chilean friends
years ago that I was a rigid, controlling woman...found that out from a
guy he told at a party years later...and who hit on me.
>
> Do you really believe that I need your kind of stuff?
>
> It is over for me...I am done. I wish someone had told me when I was
ready to marry that marrying a drinker is all about lonely and taking
care of another without receiving almost anything back...certainly not
good, positve words...or any kind of recognition...it is about being
controlled to do what the addict wants when they want it...no matter
the cost to one's self; it is about being needed to be perky and happy
and never express one's real feelings...so the addict doesn't feel
bad...although they can say anything to you...and make you feel as bad
as they want...including blaming, shaming, ridicule, being joked about
in front of others...not being respected...with timing, desires, or
anything else...because the addict is always right...until it is a
mess....and then, well...the addict doesn't know what to do...why would
they...someone else has cleaned up all their messes for them...grown
strong and is the caretaker of the family no matter how much sacrifice
that entails or what that person has to give up...oh, and the addict
talks behind your back too...they talk nice to your face...sometimes
and then...well, you hear later what they had to say about
you...imagine my surprise when being hit on at a Burlingame party a few
years ago to hear that Dad had some pretty demeaning things to say
about me...and also in the Brujos group that I was told.
>
> I have always protected your father and been good to him and positive.
>
> I am done. I am making my arrangements to go back to the states next
week...he can figure out these problems by himself if he is willing and
capable. If not, well...I can't fix it for him this time...no more
money...got to feed myself. Maybe you guys will help him and feel
sorry for him...have on.
>
>
>
> Mom,
>
> I will have him do it right away. He is not acting selfish, he is
doing his best. I cannot accept you passing judgement on him like that
to me.
>
> Please don't do it anymore. I'll have him do it ASAP. I love you.
>
> Mikey
>
> Sent from my iPhone
>
>
>> James is not scanning the Citibank bank statement for Rachel and I
> need it soonest.
>>
>> The absolute best thing is to get that bank statement as soon as
> possible so that I can take additional steps as necessary and as
possible.
>>
>> Please follow-up to get it done.
>>
>> He is acting selfish and disappoints me.
>
>
>
I feel like I have really ruined things. Please tell me if I did. I need to know what to expect as I am very scared and have struggled all my life with trying to do things right, but I just couldn't hold it in any more and I had so much being triggered and I couldn't get any emotional support...and I was afraid until I didn't say it and then I snapped.
Do the reading and listening and being on Parents of Addicts and naranon and alanon and soberrecovery and going back to my mom and realizing that she is gone forever...and that I cannot have her back...and it is doubtful I ever had her...after 13 years...a few years 'woke up' to the words emotional abuse, but just in the last two months after a friend confirmed the words for me...I have been reading it and so scared and feel like a failure...bad...to the point of wanting to erase myself...and I know it is the emotions from the past...as when I wrote the letter to my mom and sent it...she told me too...and pastor and two therapists read it...she turned on me...and it has been awful ever since, but I need to let it go...can't let it kill me.
Husband has stood by me...but can't do the emotional part. I am in a sandwich, but need to continue. Do not want to divorce now...I am not in the right place emotionally...to much fear and also my therapists told me he is sweet, ACOA and doesn't want to process, but is getting better and did therapy with me and daughter on drugs. The drug use in the family after a child death is what triggered me to start to 'wake up' and deal.
Daughter on heroin is the current 'trigger' and angry children from last 'daughter on crystal meth'...now functional but angry angry angry...but that is what I understand to be normal and I want to be the best mother possible and allow them their feelings, just have to set boundaries on the verbal abuse...and have...the crazy part...it isn't true...never was...and when my verbally abusive, then crystal meth addicted child almost succeeded in doing it in rehab...i stood up (& pulled strength from somewhere in therapy...as she was manipulating not to do her contract the first time...when she was 17) and I walked out and explained she could not come home without a contract...and that the therapeutic part was for family support not me...I had my own therapeutic resources and asked the case manager if she could come home and not kill herself and the case manager said 'not on purpose' and I said that isn't good enough...and did the contract...and when we went back 6 months later...the rehab had been revamped for family support...not therapy and it was because I was the change catalyst...but out of desperation and fear...and then she came home and used again.
We reported her to the police and then got a choice of misdemeanor with community service and the choice to do recovery work or a felony without and she chose the felony although the possible repercussions were explained to her and was 4 days from her 18th birthday when we reported her because of the work I did in the write-up and how much work her 'parents' had done...and she chose to go with the felony...she got pregnant with her addict boyfriend...went to live at the boyfriend's house... got pregnant, stopped using...came home for the next 7 years (until last August) went to college...I detached...we helped her with childcare and our grandchildren...she lived with us...and then, when we moved...after getting the apartment to share (on visits back) she started with the crazy stuff...and threw her crystal meth addict out who I was trying to get treatment...and that was healthy, but a guilt trip...when she did her whole drug trip when R was 7 and J was 5...and used them...so I have guilt.
I am still processing...so sorry, but it is all coming out...and now I realize that I need to do more recovery and I am upset...but I will...and I can.
Not enabling is NOT the same thing as turning your back on them. Not
enabling, simply means you won't make it easier for them to use by
giving them money, gas cards, gift cards, that they then use to
continue to buy more drugs.
I did my best for you...you didn't appreciate it.
The way the family is dealing with Rachel...after the totally opposite
way we dealt with Betsy and Jenny...tells me everything about your
ability and willingness to be a caring person.
I should have left a long time ago...almost did, but thought I could
'help' Jenny and Dad with his big business failure after I left Schwab
(& he didn't tell me he was going down).
I don't really care what you think...and I don't have to. I'm your
mother...
So, I am deleting you off of everything...to deal with anger directly
is the healthy thing, but since the family won't do that...just
continue to demand what they want...money, behavior everything...so
that they don't have to feel.
It is helpful to hear back from you...confirms what I know already.
Mom,
I said we will get you the chase paperwork.
The only other thing I said was that I don't want you to bash James to
me. Those are your feelings and you are entitled to have them but I
don't agree and don't want to hear it. That is just the truth.
You have a negative opinion towards everyone in your life and I really
feel bad for that. I am sorry you feel such anger but I am unable to
help you. Professional help is the only thing that will help. I am done
enabling this negative behavior and I am officially telling you that if
you are going to have a relationship with me that you need to seek
professional psychiatric help. I love you. James will send the
paperwork to you ASAP. I understand you will be angered by this email
but know that I am confronting you with honesty because I love you and
am worried about you.
Michael
Sent from my iPhone
> Michael,
>
> I am too broken to fix and staying in a family environment like this
is going to make me more broken. I can't take it anymore. I have
spent 23 years of my life helping family members. I am not ok with
anything about my life right now and I hope that you guys all have a
good life. I have lost hope for any kind of compassion or ability to
understand in my husband and children. It was different when I started
with Betsy...I had savings...I felt that being a good mother to
underage children was a good thing to do...and Dad had a failed
business and 'needed' me and the savings to fix it.
>
> Well, he has gone down yet another time...and before that another
time or two. He has not learned to do anything different...and will
not. I have learned that he is the classic 'chilean man'...has to have
all the power, manipulative, **** poor at administering money, takes
care of friends and children, but not wife...blames his problems on
wife and ignores her until she needs to take care of the mess...then is
grateful for a minute before going back to being indifferent
again...the pattern is indifference and other priorities and then
needy...but never steady or caring or affectionate...it's all about the
sex. I don't want to be married anymore and I certainly don't want any
men in my life...they are really messed up and non-compassionate, while
expecting everything from the women in their lives. Been there; done
that...my reward is living in a mudhole with a husband who is
depressed, but refuses to get medication and probably ADD but refuses
to see a doctor...won't help self...why would I believe he would help
me.
>
> Too many addicts in my life...they may get over it and move on...but
the person who worked to help them doesn't. I realize that I am
capable of a caring that is healthy, and that it is being drained by
the people who just want to have fun in my life...I have given my all
and all that I had. I have not been supported with Betsy, Jenny (only
after Kaiser made it clear she was a huge issue and has underlying
issues which she won't deal with), and now, Rachel...who is simply
gone...and not one of you cares enough to tell me you care...although
Jenny sure is good at saying all the harsh stuff...maybe I should have
been that person to her...although was warned it was super dangerous,
could drive her to suicide or worse acting out...but hey...it's all
about Jenny right?
>
> I never realized that you and Jenny 'helping' James was also going to
be enabling him and being disrespectful to his mother. He is lazy...he
has always been lazy...I didn't put the label on him...you, Dad and
Luciano did...think it's time for you to be a little more flexible in
your listening and not be calling the pot black.
>
> Seems like you have your own issues with me. I have been working
like a crazy person all the years of your life to get you to like me
and you don't and I can't care anymore. You are on your own path...you
had your own experiences...like Dad and everyone else...it is easier
for you to slam me than to deal with your own stuff and I just don't
want it anymore. I don't want what you have to offer Michael...you are
harsh and rigid in your wording and you will definitely defend anyone
but me...and I have already lived that with both my mother and your
father all the days of my life...not interested.
>
> I am doing the best I can with a very hard situation. I was
stupid...I should never have supported Dad through the business
failure, the bankruptcy and the losing the house...nor Jenny with her
kids...one sort of thinks that if you do the right thing...then others
will reciprocate...but that is not the case with this family and I am
sick and tired of it. There is a lot of selfish in the family and
selfish means doing what is best for oneself no matter who else is
hurting...even though it wouldn't take much to do something for another
who really needs the help.
>
> Unfortunately, you were never close to me...although I was close to
you. I have stood by you in every real and deep conversation you have
ever needed...I have responded in very diffeent ways to you...with
sympathy and empathy for your situation. You always adored your father
and I did my best to support you in that. Nobody, however, can live
being on the edge and not really treated well...and that is why I am
just drawing the line with you...this is new to you, but not new to
me...and you are a latecomer. I am going to go out and find every
single person in the world who enjoys me and makes me happy and work
hard at never thinking about the people who are resentful and nasty and
blaming and whatever again.
>
> Being a mother is not easy...but right now...between being in an
unfinished house with a husband who spent all the savings and with rain
and wind and cold and having to reinvent myself as an ESL teacher
because he didn't get it together in the states...and went down not 1
time, but four times...taking my savings of $1MM 10 years ago away and
sent on another daughter who, no matter what I did that was healthy has
insisted on continuing in her negativity...verbally abusive and blamer
and telling lies and wanting stuff over being good to people and
stingy...all traits of addictive personalities, but she used...she used
crystal meth and is still using alcohol.
>
> You guys can reprimand me all you want, but unless and until one of
you is coming from more wisdom and not using at all...I am no longer
interested in hearing from you or your Dad. I am the only one who has
said...I am an addict and codependent...I eat and I shop. I want to
get better and I am doing the work. Do you not get that your Dad is a
binge drinker and alcoholic and has been ever since I knew him? Just
like my Dad. I know what I am talking about and I woke up when I was
40 and I couldn't handle all the hard stuff any more nor a mother who
told me for a lifetime that my Dad was perfect...but oh, yeah...she
drinks like a fish too...but oh, no...she's not an alcoholic...just
drinks every single day and hides her liquor in a soda bottle.
>
> Your father denies drinking when he has a glass of wine in front of
him.
>
> Ten years ago, I did 5 years of therapy and figured out that his
behaviors were those of an alcoholics. Those who drink and use or do
anything to an extreme are selfish...selfish...selfish. Your father
doesn't give **** about me. You don't either.
>
> I have hit bottom. I am interviewing in California. I am angry. I
am happy that you guys are holding the line on me...because I realize
that anything I did was stupid and not worth anything. The only thing
I am working on now is to take complete care of myself and to figure
out how to be away from all of you including your father.
>
> I am angry at the way my life has turned out, but hey...that's what
happens in alcoholic families...it's textbook.
>
> You guys can keep on going...just keep on going...like I said...I
never knew about anything (in denial) and thought i was doing
everything right until I was 40 and your father's business went down
again...and I quit my good job to be a 'responsible' mother...only to
find myself using all of the savings to make the clients that he and
his partner had taken money from and used on their own lives whole. He
didn't speak to me for 9 months, he was so mad that I made him do that.
Do you really think that I am as stupid as you think I am?
>
> I have done everything I can to make things good with you guys, but
you guys are so clueless and so in your own worlds, that you wouldn't
know or care...in fact you don't, that I am living destitute here with
Dad, that after me sharing all the money I made over 38 years...he now
makes me ask for every peso...that is controlling...and that I told you
guys months ago it wasn't good, but nobody listened, except now...when
Dad says he isn't happy.
>
> I am at the bottom of my life. I thought losing the house was bad
enough, but I am never going to have a house again with your
father...he let Jenny have the apartment and she won't pay back the
$2,000 that was the deposit (& out of my money), he didn't save enough
to bring my household goods, won't let me administer the money even
though I am a respected CPA and CFO in the bay area...and I just don't
have the energy anymore to start this crap with my children.
>
> You guys deserve Dad and I am glad that I finally figured out that
nothing I have ever done has been appreciated or cared about or me
either.
>
> I am mad...I am disgusted at the presumption that you guys think you
can be the parent, and I am disgusted that the respect, positive
support, truth (that is the mean stuff Betsy and Jenny talk about)...I
told the truth...neither one has ever owned up to their part in our
family's issues...self lying that is what it is all about.
>
> You know, you know that you deserve something better when you get to
a place where you realize that not one ******* person is willing to
listen, to be understanding and even...even when what is being said is
harsh (believe me I have done that for years)...I was advised to leave
your father 10 years ago by two qualified therapists who said he would
lose everything because that is what alcoholics do...he doesn't have
the self respect to even admit his drinking problem and that it may
have hurt me and you kids.
>
> My father never did, but he was a good father...like your father is
to you. I have no idea how good a husband he was...because the day he
died was the last day mom ever even mentioned him...hmmmm...not so
good, huh?
>
> Do you think I like seeing all the same crap I have seem in three
generations of Busks, two generations of Varas' and a mother who had a
'perfect' family -- NOT come out in you guys. I didn't cause it, I
can't control it, & I can't cure it. The prescription for people who
have alcoholism in their family is to never use...but my parents didn't
tell me that...Dad's siblings all warned their children about it...most
of them don't drink...much less use drugs. I learned when I went
through Jenny that there was the alcoholic gene...not because of
honesty in my own family...we were supposed to be perfect (on the
outside at least) but truly that was all a sham...Mom and Dad were
'perfect' in church and never drank in front of those people...Dad
never went anywhere without a vodka bottle in his suitcase and he and
mom drank every day from the time I remember...twelve.
>
> I told Mom about Dad's drinking early on...she was the classic
enabler...don't worry...your Dad drinks too...he is not an alcoholic.
Well, she never read the definition of alcoholism, because when you
read it you know what an alcoholic is. When the alcoholic or drug user
stops using they don't stop being an addict...they just don't drink or
use. They have all the other traits...anger, denial, minimizing,
rationalizing, manipulation, asking for money and not repaying, not
paying bills, you could look it up but you don't want to. I did all of
that for our family until I, the codependent...you know the one who
cares...started losing my health, got depressed and anxious, asked for
help and was turned down...not manipulative enough, told the truth and
got denied...stuffed so much that it started leaking out and it is
leaking out now. I am sick and tired of carrying the 'secret' of our
'not so perfect' family...I've already been there, done that.
>
> I am going to find a job in the states and take a good separation
from family. I am not going to even try to fool myself that I have
loving family...I have survivor family. I don't have one person in the
family, except Betsy, who is willing to do one thing for a siblings who
is using...Betsy did the therapy, she got honest about Jenny finally,
and by doing that, probably was the deciding factor in Jenny getting
better. Jenny is oppositional and impulsive. She has wrecked three
cars...she has endangered her children with her accidents...it isn't
just a one time event. She got together with a guy in gangs and who
did drugs. She shows bad judgment and you guys are all enabling that
bad judgment and making it probable that she will never grow up. Dad
isn't going to stand firm...he never has. He allows me to be the bad
cop. I have spent too many years getting to know you guys...nobody is
willing to do the hard stuff and I am tired of doing it alone because
you guys aren't willing to change or even admit that we have
dysfunctional parts of the family that are very scary and far from
being loving and supportive.
>
> I am almost sorry I ever tried to help...the only thing that keeps me
going is that it helped me to be honest with myself, to face the fact
that people use me for what I do and that I treat them well especially
in their crisis and then turn their backs and never even remember me or
remember the bad parts. I am sick and tired of that. I know that I
can find people who are honest...because I have been doing that for the
past 10 years while working to 'help' Jenny. Addictive personalities
are notoriously not grateful or appreciative, but focus on the negative
and not on their own actions but the actions of others... It is well
known that people who see negative in others...have that negativity in
themselves...I am scared now, because I have always seen the positive,
but this past 1 1/2 years...it is going away...there is nothing
positive...and even the stuff that was giving me some relief, although
not healthy...the eating and the shopping has been taken away, because
we can't afford it.
>
> We are living like poor people...worse than I even lived when I was
young and poor in my parents' house. The house looks great on the
outside, so no need to explain anything and as long as I keep up my
perky, American girl, can do...everybody is fine. But there is nothing
fine.
>
> I am at the spot where I need to show myself that I can do something
worthwhile and be with people who appreciate me rather than verbal
abuse, controlling language and behavior and blame and unseemly
protection without respect. I finally respect myself enough to take
this step.
>
> I told your Father this...he said don't write...because it is good
that I am the bad cop...I am good at it...but I am resigning...and
although I like your Dad, I am tired of living like a poor person who
doesn't even have a house to live in and when I have a house it is
crappy and not fixed up. Why? Because Dad cares more about taking
care of others and being a pleaser to them than he cares about doing
for himself or me...and I am tired of it. I have given away my last
bit of sainthood...and wish Dad the best with his wonderful
relationships with others...he's just so nice...but not that nice to me
nor how he treats me...and he is unwilling to face himself and that is
what I can no longer live with.
>
> I am done.
>
> I am really done...your father has had years to get his act together
and he hasn't done it. He has had years to speak honestly to someone
other than me...but he chooses not too...although when I got here, he
refused me a psychology appt, and I finally had to pull his hair...he
just stood there while I begged and begged and begged. That is not
healthy. I am not going to go through that with you children...and you
can do anything you want, but I respect myself and since you have not
been respectful Michael, nor compassionate...and you have returned to
enabling Jenny...I am just done.
>
> I want to go full on in my codependency recovery...which means that I
can live on my own...I do not need anybody else to make me happy and I
am ready to say that if I haven't learned it this time...I am a stupid
cow. Your father cared more about pleasing his clients (so didn't
charge the price of the job) than he cared about putting us in more
comfortable situations. I am done. You act just like him...and he
just now told me...ah...I'm the failure, you're the success...you're
smart, etc...I am so sick and tired of hearing that kind of talk...that
is his personality...always blame someone else. He took advantage of
my mother by asking for money without telling me and I told him I can't
take any more. He still is unwilling to do one thing different...still
unwilling to make things work better...and especially unwilling to be a
partner for me in my needy times...although I have been there every
single minute of every sngle day. He even told his chilean friends
years ago that I was a rigid, controlling woman...found that out from a
guy he told at a party years later...and who hit on me.
>
> Do you really believe that I need your kind of stuff?
>
> It is over for me...I am done. I wish someone had told me when I was
ready to marry that marrying a drinker is all about lonely and taking
care of another without receiving almost anything back...certainly not
good, positve words...or any kind of recognition...it is about being
controlled to do what the addict wants when they want it...no matter
the cost to one's self; it is about being needed to be perky and happy
and never express one's real feelings...so the addict doesn't feel
bad...although they can say anything to you...and make you feel as bad
as they want...including blaming, shaming, ridicule, being joked about
in front of others...not being respected...with timing, desires, or
anything else...because the addict is always right...until it is a
mess....and then, well...the addict doesn't know what to do...why would
they...someone else has cleaned up all their messes for them...grown
strong and is the caretaker of the family no matter how much sacrifice
that entails or what that person has to give up...oh, and the addict
talks behind your back too...they talk nice to your face...sometimes
and then...well, you hear later what they had to say about
you...imagine my surprise when being hit on at a Burlingame party a few
years ago to hear that Dad had some pretty demeaning things to say
about me...and also in the Brujos group that I was told.
>
> I have always protected your father and been good to him and positive.
>
> I am done. I am making my arrangements to go back to the states next
week...he can figure out these problems by himself if he is willing and
capable. If not, well...I can't fix it for him this time...no more
money...got to feed myself. Maybe you guys will help him and feel
sorry for him...have on.
>
>
>
> Mom,
>
> I will have him do it right away. He is not acting selfish, he is
doing his best. I cannot accept you passing judgement on him like that
to me.
>
> Please don't do it anymore. I'll have him do it ASAP. I love you.
>
> Mikey
>
> Sent from my iPhone
>
>
>> James is not scanning the Citibank bank statement for Rachel and I
> need it soonest.
>>
>> The absolute best thing is to get that bank statement as soon as
> possible so that I can take additional steps as necessary and as
possible.
>>
>> Please follow-up to get it done.
>>
>> He is acting selfish and disappoints me.
>
>
>
Last edited by DesertEyes; 06-04-2013 at 09:35 PM. Reason: Removed email addresses
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Working step 1 again...but so much...need to just admit powerlessness of all children and husband again...and mom is just the grieving part now...no more cravings since february...so it is some step or another...but the cravings have kept me compulsive writing to all family of origin or reaching out...and begging, groveling and apologising for being myself for 13 years...my mother and sister told me what they really thought of me at Dad's funeral...I just couldn't believe it was over...after all I was their best friend...but those things change with needy people at the drop of a dime. I just learned that the not responding or the yelling and screaming from sister...and calling me a narcissist and selfish when I did call and ask for forgiveness...I was working on forgiveness, but just started forgiving me...I didn't realize I had to forgive me...I thought it was about forgiving the other...as that is what I did...forgave God when son Dad...but, no...had to forgive me and was relentless about forgiving them and just recently realized that I deserve forgiveness...and I am really having trouble but feeling it...and I know I will survive...and i know that I am loveable now...didn't 10 years ago...that came out of deep emotional and energy work...just maybe not by the people I crave it from.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
You are put into a role that makes you miserable and understandably angry. So you finally told the truth about things instead of always making sure everyone else comes first and denying your own healthy needs and feelings.
I don't think you did anything wrong and think honestly you might be better off without them. Just a thought.
I agree with everyone about getting more support from the program or wherever you can.
I don't think you did anything wrong and think honestly you might be better off without them. Just a thought.
I agree with everyone about getting more support from the program or wherever you can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Thank you to all. I was honest. I appreciate...because it gives me more clarity. I will continue working the program and I really know that I need this program...and the other work I am doing.
Your kindness is so appreciated...and we will see how it goes...staying here though.
Your kindness is so appreciated...and we will see how it goes...staying here though.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
It was a huge step for me. It was so big that I have been processing out feelings for the last two days.
I have stayed because there is benefit to a family where the parents stay together...and there has been some progress on part of Dad...here in Chile. But I have also had to face my eating and shopping and the anger coming through (or the truth...those who love me say I told the truth--those who are not willing call it anger...including me being half and half...that's sick, but I will continue to get better.
I am going to rely on my higher power for next steps...I am not going to try to fix anymore...can't...need to take care of myself...and I can see that those who get angry when I stop taking care of them...are really vindictive and angry...so I am settling in and accepting that too.
I need to regain my strength as a person in my own right.
I have stayed because there is benefit to a family where the parents stay together...and there has been some progress on part of Dad...here in Chile. But I have also had to face my eating and shopping and the anger coming through (or the truth...those who love me say I told the truth--those who are not willing call it anger...including me being half and half...that's sick, but I will continue to get better.
I am going to rely on my higher power for next steps...I am not going to try to fix anymore...can't...need to take care of myself...and I can see that those who get angry when I stop taking care of them...are really vindictive and angry...so I am settling in and accepting that too.
I need to regain my strength as a person in my own right.
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