Why I'm so sensitive?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 67
Why I'm so sensitive?
I've always been very sensitive to what people say, even strangers. A couple of days ago I was feeling a bit dizzy and when I was coming home there was a guy in his 20s standing close to my apartment block door. I started to look for a fob in my bag to open the door but I couldn't find. The guy said "The door is not locked". He said it in a very sarcastic way. I looked at the door and I saw that it was quite obvious that it was not locked, but probably due to my dizziness that day I didn't notice it. I felt very stupid and was beating myself up all day. Yesterday I saw the same guy again so probably he has moved in to my apartment block. Now I feel anxious every time I leave the apartment and in general beating myself up. It has always been a pattern with me to beat myself up for a long time if other people make sarcastic remarks, even small ones. Can anybody relate and how do you deal with it?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Yes, I think I can relate. I have long taken it as evidence--if someone says or implies I'm bad, stupid, unfair, wrong, then I must actually be.
Years ago, I started delving into why this is. For me, and I would think for many ACAs, it comes from growing up hearing it time after time. I can remember going to my mother, saying, So and so said such and such, and thinking she'd offer some sympathy or be outraged on my behalf, or whatever, but usually it was this sort of sad, Can't you see the truth look on her face as she admonished me to look at myself and maybe it was true.
It's that within my own family, I was typically the scapegoat. AF beats up mother, and somehow, their marriage problems are my fault.
It's brainwashing, plain and simple. You hear it over and over and you come to believe it.
What have I done about it?
Self talk, I guess. Being aware of it, first. Second, realizing where my belief came from that if they said it, it must be so. Third, changing the tape playing in my head by looking more objectively at my life, at how I've lived, at human nature, realizing people come loaded with their own baggage.
Sometimes, I've looked at the times I've been irritable with someone and realized, they didn't do anything, and likewise, when someone is irritable with me, they may just be having a bad day.
I would suggest counseling with someone who does EMDR, and going to al-anon, too.
Years ago, I started delving into why this is. For me, and I would think for many ACAs, it comes from growing up hearing it time after time. I can remember going to my mother, saying, So and so said such and such, and thinking she'd offer some sympathy or be outraged on my behalf, or whatever, but usually it was this sort of sad, Can't you see the truth look on her face as she admonished me to look at myself and maybe it was true.
It's that within my own family, I was typically the scapegoat. AF beats up mother, and somehow, their marriage problems are my fault.
It's brainwashing, plain and simple. You hear it over and over and you come to believe it.
What have I done about it?
Self talk, I guess. Being aware of it, first. Second, realizing where my belief came from that if they said it, it must be so. Third, changing the tape playing in my head by looking more objectively at my life, at how I've lived, at human nature, realizing people come loaded with their own baggage.
Sometimes, I've looked at the times I've been irritable with someone and realized, they didn't do anything, and likewise, when someone is irritable with me, they may just be having a bad day.
I would suggest counseling with someone who does EMDR, and going to al-anon, too.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
You are not alone. In fact from the ACOA website that is on the laundry list of traits...
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Laundry List item 3.We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
Sarcasm is easily perceived as personal criticism (it is often meant as such). I totally relate to this. I am very aware (hyper aware you could say) of the way others react to me. If they are angry or negative toward me it makes me very uneasy.
I've had to put up some walls. I've had to stop caring what others think of me. I can't live my life trying to make everyone like me. It's okay if someone does not like me or something I do. They are not living in my shoes, and if they have a negative perception of me it's because the either:
1.) Don't understand what I'm dealing with.
2.) Are trying to manipulate me.
3.) Are having a bad day themselves and would like to project that on to me.
4.) Are just jerks.
Once I place any perceived negative perceptions into one of these blocks it makes it easier to deal with. For example, in the case you described above, I would say he didn't understand what I was going through. If he had been that dizzy, he might not be so observant either. He was also new, so, he doesn't realize that door is not normally open, so the 'habit' is to get out the fob and unlock it.
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Laundry List item 3.We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
Sarcasm is easily perceived as personal criticism (it is often meant as such). I totally relate to this. I am very aware (hyper aware you could say) of the way others react to me. If they are angry or negative toward me it makes me very uneasy.
I've had to put up some walls. I've had to stop caring what others think of me. I can't live my life trying to make everyone like me. It's okay if someone does not like me or something I do. They are not living in my shoes, and if they have a negative perception of me it's because the either:
1.) Don't understand what I'm dealing with.
2.) Are trying to manipulate me.
3.) Are having a bad day themselves and would like to project that on to me.
4.) Are just jerks.
Once I place any perceived negative perceptions into one of these blocks it makes it easier to deal with. For example, in the case you described above, I would say he didn't understand what I was going through. If he had been that dizzy, he might not be so observant either. He was also new, so, he doesn't realize that door is not normally open, so the 'habit' is to get out the fob and unlock it.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Mracoa that was excellent information.
I have quit being sensitive a long time ago, but this put into words how I handle it. It's their problem not mine. I also remember reading C.S. Lewis saying that sensitive people are the world's burden, always to tip toe around them, try to say things right, just way too much work. So I decided to not be the burden and let people do what they want. Not that I let people walk on me either, I will stand up to someone who is rude and cut ties.
I have quit being sensitive a long time ago, but this put into words how I handle it. It's their problem not mine. I also remember reading C.S. Lewis saying that sensitive people are the world's burden, always to tip toe around them, try to say things right, just way too much work. So I decided to not be the burden and let people do what they want. Not that I let people walk on me either, I will stand up to someone who is rude and cut ties.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
I try when I can to look for the best in people-- when someone points out something like this, not to hear it as criticism but to thank them and maybe also mention my truth-- "Oh, thank you! I'm so tired, I didn't even check."
I know by doing this sometimes I give jerks the benefit of the doubt and a pass. But if they aren't really a part of my life, I can afford to do this and I come out of it better.
I know by doing this sometimes I give jerks the benefit of the doubt and a pass. But if they aren't really a part of my life, I can afford to do this and I come out of it better.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
This was and still is (to a much lesser extent now) a big problem for me.
My therapist asked me once to envision a world where everyone was perfect. No one did anything wrong, everything was always exactly right, and I was exactly right every single moment of every single day. He asked me what that would be like.
After a few minutes of trying to envision such a world, I replied "Stepford Wives." It would be creepy. Our foibles make us human and our humanness makes us imperfect and that imperfection is part of what keeps us interesting.
While I won't say that I embrace my foibles, I will say that I have learned to forgive myself. I am human. Humans make mistakes. To not make mistakes would mean I was not human. As a human, I give myself permission to make mistakes. As an intelligent human, I encourage (note: not require) myself to learn as much as I can from my mistakes. And if I learn nothing more than that I'm human? That is a good thing to remind myself of now and then.
We grow up in families where we are expected to not only be perfect, but where the target behaviors of "perfect" change on a second-by-second basis - where behavior praised one minute leads to dire consequences the next. The sand always shifting under our feet, we blame ourselves for not being able to meet the impossible standards set by our family. And we believe those standards to be reasonable. Yet if the rest of the family behaviors are unreasonable, why on earth should the expectation of perfection be any more reasonable than any of the other ridiculous accusations or expectations?
I am human, ergo I make mistakes. If I were perfect, I would no longer be human.
My therapist asked me once to envision a world where everyone was perfect. No one did anything wrong, everything was always exactly right, and I was exactly right every single moment of every single day. He asked me what that would be like.
After a few minutes of trying to envision such a world, I replied "Stepford Wives." It would be creepy. Our foibles make us human and our humanness makes us imperfect and that imperfection is part of what keeps us interesting.
While I won't say that I embrace my foibles, I will say that I have learned to forgive myself. I am human. Humans make mistakes. To not make mistakes would mean I was not human. As a human, I give myself permission to make mistakes. As an intelligent human, I encourage (note: not require) myself to learn as much as I can from my mistakes. And if I learn nothing more than that I'm human? That is a good thing to remind myself of now and then.
We grow up in families where we are expected to not only be perfect, but where the target behaviors of "perfect" change on a second-by-second basis - where behavior praised one minute leads to dire consequences the next. The sand always shifting under our feet, we blame ourselves for not being able to meet the impossible standards set by our family. And we believe those standards to be reasonable. Yet if the rest of the family behaviors are unreasonable, why on earth should the expectation of perfection be any more reasonable than any of the other ridiculous accusations or expectations?
I am human, ergo I make mistakes. If I were perfect, I would no longer be human.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,420
The Four Agreements Helped Me
The Book, "The Four Agreements" helped me around the issue of personalizing others behaviors and statements, whether negative or positive. It explains it beautifully, IMHO, you may want to check it out... just a suggestion based on my experience.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
My parents always told me that I was too sensitive. (Translated: Parent to child: "I don't have time for you; I'm too non-caring, too wrapped up in myself, and too lazy, to care for my child...)
But, I think there is more than one way to look at this. I've realized that I am probably more sensitive than the average person - always watching my back to try and avoid the sarcasm and punishment that happened when I was just being a kid.
But "normal" people have sensitivities also. So, what's "normal" verses what's over-sensitiveness resulting from my dysfunctional, abusive parents? I try to watch when I get that way, and ask myself in a particular situation: is this the "kid" taking care of himself, or is this a normal adult with consideration for other people?
Personally, I'd rather be oversensitive than have the horrible insensitiveness that my parents had.
But, I think there is more than one way to look at this. I've realized that I am probably more sensitive than the average person - always watching my back to try and avoid the sarcasm and punishment that happened when I was just being a kid.
But "normal" people have sensitivities also. So, what's "normal" verses what's over-sensitiveness resulting from my dysfunctional, abusive parents? I try to watch when I get that way, and ask myself in a particular situation: is this the "kid" taking care of himself, or is this a normal adult with consideration for other people?
Personally, I'd rather be oversensitive than have the horrible insensitiveness that my parents had.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
I was, very much so, particularly when young and for a very long time.
Would almost wet myself at times........teary eyes.
In my case I think it was guilt, alienation, and fear along with other nasties, linked in part to my dysfunctional upbringing.
Improved very slowly via self help literature etc CBT, writing, but after a very long struggle am now finding A.A. QUITE REWARDING
Would almost wet myself at times........teary eyes.
In my case I think it was guilt, alienation, and fear along with other nasties, linked in part to my dysfunctional upbringing.
Improved very slowly via self help literature etc CBT, writing, but after a very long struggle am now finding A.A. QUITE REWARDING
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