Trying to release "mother" thoughts-ESH?

Old 05-25-2013, 06:45 AM
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Trying to release "mother" thoughts-ESH?

Have a mother who is narcissist and alcoholic.

I was the hero of the family until Dad died (45 years old) and then was converted into scapegoat (13 years old).

Have had lots of issues in the 13 years with addiction in my own family and have been doing my own recovery for about 18 years...started after death of son from SIDS.

I can see that I have made progress, but had a huge relapse with my third using daughter (the other two are functional now...after 16 years of really exhausting recovery and work and losing our financial stability and starting over in my husband's home country -- have work and economic stability here...thank you God).

Reached out to mother (as I have for 13 love, in apology--she got mad because I wrote her a letter telling her about my pain after my son died and that she didn't seem to notice--as well as asking her to help me with my second daughter who became a crystal meth addict--she has progressed negatively to calling me bipolar (unipolar) and also crazy and majorly ill...and needing major medical help (have done all that).

I have spent way too much time explaining my recovery to my family...mother and sister cut me off right after I helped over 11 years with Dad's strokes and major surgeries...and also as I did my own work that progressed from grief to treatment for depression and anxiety and working to provide support for addicted daughters in healthy non-enabling ways.

My mind, however, just continues to think about Mom and sister...although slow by getting ignored, told I am narcissistic and selfish (by the sister who was my "best" friend before Dad died and mother who acts like victim most of the time, but has showed her bully side and it is awful...and also called my addict daughter and husband manipulative...and although that is probably true...doesn't ever see that she projects all her negative and always has.

I am really sick and tired of being sick and tired over this. I am going to have to go back to the steps...and work them again. It was re-triggered when I left for my new country with no response from mother and sister...sister screams and yells and blames and mother just is silent and absent. I hate that I called Mom when I was scared, but after hearing what she said about me...I now know there is absolutely no "possibility" of her getting better.

Sister got mad at me when I stood up for her (in the letter above) and asked Mom not to scapegoat her anymore. Well, I was ignorant at the time, but that was the kiss of death.

Hubby is kind and tells me I am the only one who suffers...have come to realize he is right.

I am frustrated with myself...very frustrated.

Doing well with releasing my active addict daughter (on heroin) than I am with the mother thing.

My head hurts.

Any suggestions or thoughts or ESH?
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Old 05-25-2013, 10:57 AM
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Hmmm, well... I am 'an orphan' now- mum bin gone for over two years.

My life appeared to be grossly dysfunctional, and my family was the crucible that I came out of...

...I took care of dad, in his agony and addiction- ensured he got to live and die in his own home...

...but when he died I was dis-inherited, lost my home and the family farm.

Mum was a part of that- she wanted an easy life... 'kicked for touch', to use a rugby football term.

I am the oldest of five and mum was #7 in a family of eight. Looking at it that way it kind of figures... [serenity prayer kicks in here...]

I cut myself off from mum for about three years... we found a way back before she died. I did write to her and step-dad and laid out my grievance. I think this was well-timed.

Mum never mentioned the letter, but she and step-dad changed their wills. [I think they had cut me off as well.]

I was, and still am the person who betrayed my family because I spoke out. I don't regret that...

lining myself up with other adult children keeps me facing sanity and life itself.

In her last two or three years mum and I were mates ]friends[.

Each journey and pathway is different... I lost my nephew to a drug overdose [in our neighbourhood too...]. Our kids are okay now- one day at a time...

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Old 05-25-2013, 06:56 PM
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I am politely disconnected from my entire family of origin. We had some words, but nothing explosive. Just enough that some of them blame me and others are too hurt to have normal relationships as well. I don't hate them, and wish them well but I can't be emotionally invested in them. It's sink or swim. You decide.
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Old 05-26-2013, 04:37 AM
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My ESH is to talk about the weather and positive or neutral impersonal safe topics with toxic parents, and save the painful vulnerable issues for trusted healthy reliable people.

I think the toxic fighting needs to stop to create enough space to do recovery work, and this is the best way I know to have contact and stop the fighting.
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Old 05-26-2013, 01:12 PM
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hmmm, yes 'the weather', sports, books read and enjoyed, are things I like to talk about, period.

Not to avoid the big weighty issues- but to pause, reflect, suck in a bit of air.

I ran through a phase where I neglected to take my own advice.

To have normal relaxed conversations- to enjoy friendship and company...

the big issues, the hidden issues, surface.

I no longer feel lost and alone...

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Old 05-26-2013, 04:31 PM
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